Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Apologies to anyone offended by my previous post above. It was an attempt to make op feel better and I did not consider the offence it would cause. I have reported it to mumsnet and asked for it to be deleted.

I acknowledge that attractiveness is always subjective and perhaps what I ought to have said is that regardless of his age, the op’s husband had made himself look a very ugly person through his behaviour.

Op I meant this gently but you have no idea if they are having an affair, men and women can be friends, on mumsnet they are always having an affair, you’ve taken what your daughter saw, which she herself told you could have been innocent and ran with it,and people on here are encouraging it

you need to focus on you, maybe take a couple of weeks off, speak to your gp. Ignore those trying to stick the knife in and saying it’s absolutely an affair. They don’t know, it might be, but it might not. Marriages end, and yes sometimes people are unhappy. Sometimes we know that, lack of sex, affection, joint activies, laughing, romance, fun and we pretend it doesn’t matter,

stop focusing on this woman, just focus on you.

This is a little much,

Deeply sorry you are having to go through this. Something similar happened to me 7 years ago. It was horrendous, no one knows the pain unless they have gone through it. Looking back at how broken I was - I could never have imagined I would have survived, but survive I did. After I found out about the affair I spent about 9 months fighting to keep him, to get him to try to help me save us, but it was over, it just took me that long to see it was useless. You will be nowhere near this point, especially as your husband may well have taken the deeply cowardly route of refusing to tell you the truth.

A lot of people are saying "they never come back", "he might come back", "there is another women" (they're may not be, but it does sound likely). Truth is you just do not know.

In retrospect I can see my relationship had died a good many years before that, we were just good at denial and muddling along. You will also come to see the affair is likely a symptom of a more serious disconnection. My partner broke up with his affair partner (younger and much much prettier than me) soon after and in fact hasn't had a partner since. I think there is always a chance the relationship that causes the break doesn't last - because it's not actually a relationship forged in a good place. It's usually about each of the affair partners unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Once the primary relationships are broken it often starts to dissolve. That doesn't mean he will come back or even that you will be able to accept him back.

My advice (for what it's worth) would be based on how I wish I could have dealt with it at the time. Which was to hold my nerve and not lash out. I wish I could have kept my dignity - though saying that I'm not sure I could have, given the strength of the pain. You have to focus on yourself and grieve, but think very carefully about what you do. Pride now will serve you well with what is to come.

As your daughters are adults, they could try and talk to him about the importance of telling the truth now, for the good of long term relations, with them and you. I doubt it will work though. I don't understand the need to lie in these circumstances, but it's horribly common - with women and men. Lies are a killer. I can't even talk to my ex now, not because of the affair, but the lies involved (over 4 years!)

You need a good friend - I do hope you have one to help support you through this, if not please get a therapist to help you through this traumatic part, I did and it was a lifeline. Many hugs.

Sorry this is happening to you. Of course your are in pain, but you also need to get hold of the reigns. I suggest heading to chumplady.com and taking advice from there. Btw there is zero chance he is not cheating, so face this head on now. This love of your life has betrayed you and the correct response is to get angry and protect yourself.

Please do not think you are pathetic. The rug has been pulled from under your feet; what has been the norm for 30 years is suddenly whisked away; everything that your brain has become programmed to has changed.

It is OK to be sad - we all would be - but you are NOT pathetic.

You are in such pain because being in love gives you dopamine every day and you are having to go cold turkey from it so it is literally painful. Think of it as coming off a drug. It's really hard but give him the break up he wants. Don't contact him at all. Go full no contact. It will help you and it will give him a jolt to let him know that he has actually lost you. If you want him to come back, that is the only way he will realise he was wrong. The good thing about this is that it gives you a chance to move on and find yourself again, so hopefully by the time he realises he wants to come back, you will be over him.

Take this time to find yourself, improve yourself, and find new things to do. Being the dumpee is in some ways a massive gift because you have all this energy to spur yourself on to improve yourself and find peace. Whereas the dumper is the same person.

Was some you tube videos on the topic to help.

I love him so so much
Do you? Despite the 'turmoil' and 'ups and downs' ?
You must have been quite young when you got together so, really, it could just as much be a habit. Would you know? I'm not saying you don't love him but, really, do you even know who you are without being one of two? I get that it's the life you built and want to hang on to but maybe ask some questions of yourself? Change is hard, especially with such a long attachment. None of this is your fault, no matter what he says but going forward YOU are now in charge of YOUR outcome. Scary, yes. Sometimes terrifying. But there is a strong woman in there who doesn't need to lower herself to beg on her knees for him to come back. Be a warrior for your children. Blow their minds with your dignity and strength.
Do they come back? Yes, sometimes they do. Mostly if the grass isn't really greener and/or she doesn't think he's the catch she thought he was and ends things. He's not going to stay alone and you've made it clear you need him back no matter what the circumstances. He knows that and he'll come back if it is going to ensure HIS comfort. He won't feel any different about you, he just knows where his bread is buttered and your neediness lets him know there's always another option for him.
Taking care of YOU, learning to stand strong and seem unattached to his bullshit is always the best way towards real change. That's how he needs to see you but hopefully by then you see HIM for who he really is and not cave with gratitude and promises.

You are far more than who you believe you are right now. I hope you can take this opportunity to find YOU and to shine in a way you just can't when you obsess on an illusion.

It is a very scary time but, no matter the outcome here, you can absolutely come out stronger and with a far greater sense of self and worth if you allow yourself

Lean on us and your friends and family. So many good women out there with great advice.

They are all right. The shock has set at the moment but afterwards you will somehow dig very deep and find strength in yourself.

It will happen. You have just got to wade through this treacle of emotions. The sadness, the grief and anger stages.

I reiterate what other wise women have said on here. He is NOT your friend. He is someone now who is a stranger to you.

Lawyer up when you feel stronger.

Sending you love.

I can't believe there are men who feel its acceptable to spring this type of bombshell on their wife and family, especially without warning. Selfish doesn't come close.

All situations are different & whether he comes back OP is anyone's guess. If in the end a reconciliation is not on the cards you are still relatively young with new horizons to explore. If you dont feel your best at the moment, given time you can take a deep breath & begin a plan to up your game in this respect & show this man exactly what he is missing.

I hope you find comfort in the knowledge this situation is definitely not your fault. Stay strong 💐

I'm so sorry OP. Another hand hold for you. You will get through this.

To be honest I thought the same: that op writes expressively and is very in touch with her feelings. These traits do help people heal and, like that poster, I feel very sure OP will find her feet and move forward to a full future.

So sorry for what you are going through, I can't imagine the pain you are feeling.
Please don't make any rash decisions about work etc that will impact your future right now. Allow yourself time to get over the initial shock and begin to grieve, get signed off sick for a time so the pressure of work is removed for a short time.
It might not feel like it now but you will come through this and work may well provide the stability, structure, and normality that you will need.
Be kind to yourself, take care.

Gosh. That was a grisly glimpse…

OP, you're in the throes of shock and grief, but hopefully you'll soon be able to see that he's done you a favour. You deserve SO much better than him.

Hi op my dad did this to my poor mum after 25 years of marriage, she was exactly as you are now, utterly heartbroken.

I'm not sure if it helps but we're now another 20 years down the line and my mum has the most amazing life. She has lots of friends, hobbies, she travels, she walked the Camino before covid!

My dad on the other hand is very isolated and the relationships with his children never fully recovered.

There's hope and you won't always feel like you do now.

This is totally unhelpful. Of course she wants him back!

She still loves him and she is in shock. Telling her she will "cringe with embarrassment" is not helping anyone.

Ending a relationship is always, always going to be hard however its done, however kindly, gently or slowly. But people do have the right to do so, so acceptable or unacceptable doesn't really come into it. I've had my heart broken, I have no doubt broken people's hearts. To love is to risk, to put your heart in the hands of another. And ultimately, most people wouldn't want someone staying with them because of duty or because they didn't have the balls to do otherwise. The OPs now ex has handled it very badly but even he has the right to end his marriage if he wants. His conductt is another matter

A lot of women like that for the (perceived) money, or they have daddy issues, like Carrie and Boris.

The OW sounds like a rubbish mother giving in to her children whereas you OP have been a brilliant one from reading all your posts. How dare this awful man rewrite history? He knows it isn't true, he is just doing this to give him permission to be a ratbag. Which he is. He really deserves nothing.

OP, it is heartbreaking to read this. He should be so, so ashamed at what he’s doing to you, and the way he’s doing it. The contempt and cruelty is mind blowing. Truly.

And he should be particularly ashamed for his flagrant lies about you and your marriage in an attempt to justify his pathetic and utterly clichéd affair with a younger woman. That is laughably embarrassing.

Can’t wait until his Saturday mornings are totally fucked up by two spoiled little under-fives. Won’t look so fucking rosy then.

He is re-writing history. It’s him, it’s not you.
He is doing it to make himself the hero,
Tell friends, his family, the truth. He will distort things to suit himself.
You don’t need him back. He is not the man you thought he was.
Please look after yourself.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know how painful it can be.
I hope you can try and speak to a counsellor, your close friends, and family. What he's done is terribly cruel. I know you don't feel like it now, but if he is able to treat you this way then you're better off without him. Please know things will get better. You can make it on your own.
I wish you all the very best x

Those of you saying you didn't want to read and run, it really isn't necessary as nobody would know if you read and ran. Just add your comment/support/advice, that is a weird comment to use.