Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Would you even want him back if he came back? How dare he do that to you and ruin 35 years, what a disgrace. It might not seem like it now, but there’s something better out there for you ♥️♥️

I’m so very sorry this is happening to you. You’re obviously devastated and in a state of total shock. Don’t expect to be able to deal with normal things - your world has been turned upside down and you need time to adjust.
His cruelty seems extraordinary and I think your response is that of any normal loving partner.
You will start to feel better but you need to give yourself time. Sending you a huge hug. X

The truth is though men lose their looks too and need to be viewed through love goggles at that age.They don’t realise it because women tend to be less superficial so they still imagine themselves to be sublime. Johnny ( who lets face it was gorgeous) is definitely needing a tidy haircut these days. And when scrolling Netflix the other day my Dc saw a pic of George Clooney and stopped suddenly: “Wait!! Is that Grandpa?” And I had to admit .., yeah he looked like a grandpa.

Please don't resign,your boss sounds really caring and understanding.

Go on the Runway Husbands website OP. You’ll find great support there.

Is This Your Story?
You believed yourself to be in a happy, secure marriage. Then one day, out-of-the-blue, your husband turned to you and said, “I can’t do this anymore” and just like that, your marriage was over.

From that moment on, your life became unrecognizable as you struggled to understand what happened.

I'm here to tell you that you're not alone and you're not crazy - you're a victim of Wife Abandonment Syndrome.

Wife Abandonment Syndrome is when a husband leaves his wife out-of-the-blue without ever having told her that he was unhappy in the marriage.

Following his sudden departure, he replaces the caring he'd typically shown her with anger and aggression.

He often moves directly in with a girlfriend, leaving his bewildered wife totally devastated.

Although recovery is a struggle, many women find that it forces them to reinvent themselves in positive and exciting new ways.

www.runawayhusbands.com

Yes, I have been in this situation but married a lot longer than you.
He had a midlife crisis and now it is like nothing has ever happened.
Horrible while it is happening but sometimes it comes right.
I hope it does for you.

Also from the Runaway Husbands website

Do you suspect that you’re a victim of Wife Abandonment Syndrome? Here are the ten defining characteristics that will let you know if you are. You don’t need to check off all ten to fit the definition.

1.Prior to the separation, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, emotionally engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.

2.The husband had never said that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship.

3.The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over "out-of-the-blue" in the middle of a mundane domestic conversation.

4.Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.

5.By the time the husband reveals his intentions to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and he often moves out quickly.

6.The husband’s behavior changes radically, so much so that it seems to his wife that he has become a cruel and vindictive stranger.

7.The husband shows no remorse; rather, he blames his wife and may describe himself as the victim.

8.In almost all cases, the husband had been having an affair.

9.The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been completely extinguished.

10.Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband denies what he had previously described as positive aspects of the couple's joint history.

www.runawayhusbands.com

Some great advice. It's awful. Try and remember he is not your friend anymore.
He might pretend to be, to get more. Sorry.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. But please listen … you WILL get over this. And you will be so so SO much happier. You will have a new and exciting lease of life, another chance. You’ll look back and think “actually he wasn’t that great”. He wasn’t; he’s a scum bag who is clearly happy to break up two families, including devastating a family with two young DC. They won’t last 5 minute. You will have the last laugh. Please don’t ever let him back into your life. Good luck, and congratulations for getting rid of him.

My heart goes out to you OP and I think u should cry as much as u need to. You are totally devastated and find it impossible that this has happened. The man u have shared your life with for 30 years and who u thought u knew inside out has gone and u have every right to feel as u do. U most certainly aren't pathetic, u r human. I don't have any words to lessen the agony other than to take one moment at a time, there is alot of uncertainty for the future which comes one day at a time. Of course u would want him back, he has been part of u and your life for so long. U r dealing with a rollercoaster of nightmare emotions right now.
Continue to phone the Samaritans whenever u want/need to. One moment at a time. Please make sure u are eating and drinking; you need to reserve your energy levels.

What an awful shock for you, wtf is wrong with these idiotic men!

Please don't resign op, you haven't lost that person, that inner core of who you are. She's still there just give yourself time to adjust to the shock and grief. I hope you can get some comfort from your brother tonight and manage to eat a little and get some rest

@Pleasenotme

OMG. 😢

I can't add any advice onto what you've already been given sorry. Many people have give some amazing advice. And the true kindness that many Mumsnetters have inside them is showing itself here!

Like a few other posters, I was close to tears reading your posts. You sound absolutely broken. I am so desperately sorry for you - but like a number of posters have said, stop apologising for being so devastated. You're not weak and you're not pathetic. You're an amazing strong woman.

And please stop saying his looks haven't faded and yours have. You're a beautiful woman and far more worthy of someone better than him and how he is treating you. As quite a lot of posters have said, it will all go horribly wrong for him. Not might - it WILL.

A woman nearly 20 years younger isn't going to want to stick with this man for very long. She'll soon get fed up of him. As someone said earlier when I was 39. no way would I want to be with a man of nearly 60. It won't last! I reckon he will come back to you, but I don't think you should have him back!

Honestly, I bet my house it won't work out. If he gets with her in the next couple of months, I'll give it a couple of years. Tops! Please look after yourself, darling, and keep on talking to us on here.

I didnt want to read and run. Im so sorry you are going through this op. The only thing i can suggest is to picture yourself scrolling on mumsnet and coming across your thread. Or having a friend come to you to say her DH wants a divorce and relaying your story. You would not for one moment be suggesting the writer of the thread or the friend should be apologising, nor would you want them to get back with the man. It is so easy for me to say this as an outsider looking in but you seriously deserve so much better. For a DH and DF to blindside his wife and family in this way is terrible. Hold your head high and take him to the cleaners.

I'm saying this in the spirit of trying to give an insight into from the perspective of the 'leaver' and its going to sound a bit hard but may be of some use. I left my husband and there was someone else - though that was not the reason I left him (the reasons were complex, some to do with him, some ro do with me). For my ex husband to accept the reality of it I had to be colder than I would have liked, there was no point in prevarication or giving false hope. I had been thinking about it for a long time so to me, truthfully, there simply was much less feeling there than my ex husband had. His emotions were heightened, mine were deadened, that is what a separation is and if you really loved someone you couldn't do it. I remember at counselling - which I only agreed to to arrive at a situation where we could manage the separation from the children's perspective - the counsellor turned to my ex who was begging me to engage, to change my mind, etc and said 'theleaf is no longer here to attend to your emotional needs. That's what a separation is'. Harsh but true.

Your ex has gone further than this and been actively cruel in rewriting your entire marriage and denigrating you, that is heaping pain upon pain and I am very sorry that this is how this has gone down. It is totally unnecessary. But the coldness is I think exactly how if usually goes down, it is part of what the thing is.

He may well come back. But by then you may not want him back. Even of there is no one else, the trust would have gone and you'd spend your life walking on eggshells. The hardest part of anything traumatic is simply getting used to the idea and processing it. You need to allow your brain to catch up and deal with the shock. Remember to eat small amounts, listen to the calm app or sleep stories at night (a blue tooth sleep mask can help) and have a hot shower before going to bed. These small acts of self care are very important. Surround yourself with friends and family and seek medical help if your mood dips low again.

What a wonderfully written response with some excellent advice. The kindness and good advice on here is lovely. I hope you can get some confidence anf comfort from it, OP . Sending you a huge hug ❤️❤️❤️

No one here thinks you sound pathetic. No one

You should stop wishing for him to come back, he's made his mind up. You need to get angry and stand up for yourself, seek advice, get one step ahead of him. Tell yourself he's a nasty f*cker and don't believe those nasty things he's said to you, why would you want someone back that's said hurtful things to you? I do realise you are hurting, this has come as a shock whist he has planned this out. Maybe there's reasons he doesn't want to stay in the marriage but he doesn't have to be so nasty, you are the woman he once loved, married and had kids with.

Do you truly believe he's seeing this other woman? If so, I'd tell her husband but as long as you are sure it's her.

Why would you want him back?? You will look back one day a massively regret pleading and begging him, I promise you that. You will look back and cringe with embarrassment. Self respect is key here. By all means cry, break down, of course - but absolutely not in front of him.

Can we stop talking about what people look like? Love is nothing to do with looks.

Oh op I'm so sorry, I have been in a similar situation a few years back and honestly it does get easier. You may not feel like it now but you WILL be ok again, I promise.

I was in a really dark place too and the grief was so painful. Our brains don't actually know the difference between physical and emotional pain so it is truly agonising. Your whole world has collapsed around you. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time if you have to. Eat and sleep as much as you can manage, lean on friends/family for support, get therapy, hold onto your job, tell work if you feel you can, they will hopefully support you.

Cry and scream and feel it all. It's so tough but it's part of the process. Also be kinder to yourself, dont beat yourself up for your feelings, or be too self critical, you are going through hell right now and everything you are feeling is natural. Looking after yourself both physically and emotionally is so important in healing.

My ex left after 20 years in similar circumstances. I was broken too. 2 years later and I have picked myself up, moved on, I am happy and stronger than ever. The kids are doing great. The grass wasn't greener afterall for him and he is now regularly begging to come back remorseful, regretful and depressed. I look at him now and feel nothing. I don't want him back as I could never trust him again, couldn't risk disrupting the kids again and I won't be so insulted as to be second choice. And I was like you when he left - desperate to cling onto him, terrified of living without him and missing him so much it hurt.

He threw it all away, he has to live with that while I am living my new life that I have built for myself from rockbottom, where he left me. You can do that too one day even if it feels impossible now. Look after yourself op, sending hugs ♥️

I am so sorry you are going through this. We didn’t get to talking divorce but multiple huge rows and other stuff left me thinking he was going to leave and was having an affair and the complete devastation I felt was horrific. Like you I could not see the point of carrying on but we have 3 kids, one with a disability so I know I couldn’t do that to them. It consumes you doesn’t it . Sending hugs x

Even if this were true, which I somehow doubt it, he's going to age like hell if he has run off with a woman with 2 kids under the age of 5 when he is old enough to be their grandad! If he is fortunate enough to have any of his own hair left, it will soon be gone! And if it doesn't fall out, he'll probably end up with a good bout of nits! If he's lucky he'll pick up threadworms too. Fortunately for you those days are behind you. He'll end up a lonely old man too, whilst in 5 years time, you will no doubt be settled down with some really wonderful chap.

You write so powerfully and beautifully of your feelings. Your honesty, self-insight and intelligence leap off the page. I feel like I know you. I care about you...something tells me you will heal and you've only just begun to realise all life has to offer you xx

You are not selfish
you are not pathetic
you are not a fool

try and stop thinking like this, none of the blame is yours!

ultimately you will see this was as good thing as he has shown his real colours now

try and be businesslike about the money side of things and be extremely kind to yourself, you deserve good things, go very very gently on yourself

take care