Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Who?

I was where you are over 20 years ago. I thought I would die. Guess what I didn't. My ex was the same, cold cruel the lot. He was in "love" with someone else, couldn't live without her apparently. He didn't like it when I took back control, he hated it when he didn't know what I was thinking or what I was up to. He hinted at coming back a few months later. I hunted him, no way. Also he left the OW for someone else, I couldn't care less by then. Some great advice on here, please put yourself first now, protect yourself financially. I wish you the very best. 💐.

Absolutely - he is the pathetic cheating cowardly scumbag!

OP

I am working my way down the excellent responses and I apologise if this has been said.

This part of OP

"It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. "

He told DD before you? Or he told you he was leaving then she told you?

Either way. SHE was worried.

Children do not get worried about adults chatting. Believe her. Get angry. 😡

That's a bit ageist! Maybe 60-something women are still attracted to 60-something men?!!

It didn’t go brilliantly to be fair, at least for my ex.
After some upheaval the OW and her husband decided to stay together.
My ex lost his job as they worked together and one of them had to go.
By that time I had come to my senses and decided I didn’t want him either.

Mine (tried) to come back recently after. They do that if things don't get to plan elsewhere sometimes and when they see you have happily moved on.
By the time mine tried to come back I had found myself again, felt much happier and at peace. I literally saw nothing at all desirable in him but at the same time have no anger, malice or regret - we can still be friends.
I never thought I'd feel that way as I thought we'd be together always and my life was turned upside down when he walked.
Be kind to yourself, things will get better 💗

Hi OP I thought this thread might help you, to see someone else go through the heartbreak then the dawning realisation that they are better off without someone in their life who can treat them so horribly and ultimately look like they're going to end up in a better place.

Please be kind to yourself, you're in shock, your emotions are completely normal.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5005102-is-this-the-script-handhold-please?page=17&reply=138268105

@Pleasenotme, I have read all your posts and you sound a truly lovely woman. Whatever horrible things your husband is saying about you are not true. Please have faith in yourself and your ability to survive this. Your children and family clearly love you and value you and that counts for an awful lot.

A lot of what I wanted to say has already been said but I just wanted to add my voice to the crowd.

Though it might not feel like it right now, or even from time to time, you will absolutely get through this intact. You will be a different person, but you will get through this. One step at a time. It's okay to cry, it's okay to feel miserable but it's not okay to stand still. Above all else, allow yourself moments of happiness when they arise. Seek support from those you feel you can trust, don't suffer in silence. Many women have been where you are and honestly it's about moving forward a little bit at a time. Be kind to yourself, nothing you did / could have done would have changed this outcome, people we've ostensibly known and loved for years can seem to change almost overnight, but I'd add if this is his current treatment towards you it sounds like he checked out a while ago and you're only learning about it now. Do not be drawn, don't trust anything he says - if he tells you tomorrow is Wednesday check your calendar to be doubly sure.

It sounds trite but I think you will survive.

@Pleasenotme

I'm going on 38 years of marriage and I can only imaging the devastation I'd feel if DH announced to me that he was leaving me for another woman. I think I'd feel as if I'd been dropped on another planet because 'my world' wouldn't exist anymore.

But I think I'd try to put that devastation to one side as much as possible and work fiendishly hard on maintaining my dignity. No begging, no pleading, no 'pick me dance'. Dignity doesn't mean acceptance. It means keeping 'face' to the public and saving the emotion for private or with people you can implicitly trust.

So I think my first piece of advice to you would be to show dignity (and disdain) to my STBX. Histrionics won't bring him back, I'm sure, in fact they may actually feed his ego and push him further away. And serve to convince him how 'right' he is to leave 'unstable you'. And remember that everything you say or do is going to go directly into the ears of the OW and all his 'pals'. And you don't want that, do you? He will crucify you in order to make himself look good.

As far as all the crap he's thrown at you about everything that is 'wrong' with you and the marriage, please remember that a man in his situation is going to rewrite history making you the bad guy and your marriage a horrible mistake. Because he can't possibly be at fault for any of it, can he? Oh no, not him!! After all he's a stand up guy, a man of principles, right? And he must keep his public reputation and his clear conscience! So please don't waste your precious emotional energy on wondering what you did wrong, because chances are the answer is not a damned thing. He just won't take responsibility for the decision that HE made based on his dick and his ego. Stupid bastard.

You're a smart cookie, you know you are. So you know that the smartest thing to do right now is see a solicitor. Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean you're acknowledging the death knell of your marriage. Seeing a solicitor isn't going to change anything. And it doesn't mean you have to 'do anything'. It just means that you will be educating yourself on what divorce may mean to you. Forewarned is forearmed. Please understand that he is far ahead of you on the road you've just set your feet on. He's had weeks, if not months, to put together his plan of action. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't already sought legal advice. You need to play catch up ASAP.

I know this is hard. I know that every action you take will make you feel as if you're giving up hope. But it's not that way. If you were on a leaking ship would getting in a lifeboat stop that leaking ship from sinking? Of course not! But getting in that lifeboat will keep you alive, whether that ship sinks or not.

I'm so sorry, OP. I've been through this though I was the one who found out and ended it. It had gone on for years and completely devastated me. I didn't know the OW's husband or how to get in touch with him, but I really wish I had known. I would definitely have spoken to him - in person, not via message.

The thing is that your husband is having to be horrible to persuade himself that the explosion he's thrown into your family is worth it. Think of how people behave in a war - it's exactly the same. He doesn't want to think of himself like his father so he has to persuade himself that your relationship isn't like his parents'. He has to blame you for absolutely everything to live with himself. And of course he's blaming you when he talks to the OW - don't believe he won't for a minute.

In your position I'd behave as though I was at war, too. I wouldn't speak to him again about anything - I'd hire a lawyer and only communicate that way.

One thing I wish I'd heard of is the "pick me dance" where you try to persuade him you're the better of the two women. Don't do this - learn from all of us who did do it and lived with regret afterwards. He'll think he's a dog with two dicks otherwise, how lovely for him having two women fighting over him.

I would get a lawyer to file for divorce immediately. That will take the wind out of his sails. I'd speak to her husband and tell him what you're doing. Forewarned is forearmed - he deserves that.

I think the saddest thing about your situation is how you are not angry, or disappointed in him for treating you and your children (even if they are grown-ups) like this.

You seem to consider yourself to be unworthy of him, simply because he is more outwardly attractive than you. How many years have you wasted feeling inadequate like this? This is no way to live.

I actually think it's likely that this piece of shit will come back, as the OW returns to her senses. She has very young children that she will find hard to go 50:50 with and he is an old man with grey pubes. Yuk. He will return because their relationship will fold. You can speed this up by making sure her husband knows.

I wouldn't take him back, because he's put the blame on you and made you out to be a terrible wife to him. What a coward.

Oh OP, you are grieving. It is OK. He has treated you appallingly. You are allowed to be devastated. Please speak with your GP though, or if you have an employee assistance programme. Any help to get you through these tough days and weeks.

Of course he is rewriting history, your shared history. Because he wants to walk away as the good guy. Don't believe his words. Hold onto your truth.

In time, you'll find a new future, I promise. It's ok not to want that now. But he doesn't deserve to be wanted by you, and when you come out of the grief stage, you'll find your anger. And then you'll see him very differently. You'll realise he hasn't treated you well. And you won't want him back even if he begged you.

For now, take all help offered. Use this board for support. Get through these days one minute at a time. You WILL be ok.

The opposite of love isn’t hate in these circumstances, it’s indifference

Gosh this brings back things I'd forgotten,@Pleasenotme. The utter disbelief. The daily realisation of new, awful consequences. Suddenly being in tears in front of clients. Balancing being honest with DC without being scarily out of control. Seeking mental health support.

This went on for weeks after my OH left. Two things shocked me out of it. One was seeing that he'd taken off his wedding ring, when he came round to pick up some stuff. My initial reaction was more weeping - then I was surprised to find I was really, really angry. The second thing was simply time and perspective.

No two situations are the same of course, so I won't push the comparison. But there's no avoiding the awful weeks/months. I think it's somehow necessary for your emotional health to suffer them. You don't want to get stuck there, but you do need to trust your mind, body and spirit to get you through.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. Feeling the complicated feelings (so many! it's exhausting). Not diverting them into revenge, which is a way of tying yourself to the ex. Accepting that he is an ex (that takes a while, but I found things got easier from that point.)

I hope you take heart from the first sentence of this post, and from others who have come out the other side. You will too.

Just remember it's a shock to you but not to him.

You need to play catch up. Dave the crying for a few months in the future. Be angry and get even by getting your shit together.

He's not coming back and even if he did you now know he thinks with his nob

Speak to your solicitor friend.

Sorry that was meant for @LMBoston - the quote function failed, and the post has been deleted now anyway.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Sending love your way xx

CinnamonJellyBeans
"he is an old man with grey pubes. Yuk."

This is ageist and unnecessary.Even if you're trying to make OP feel better.

This is heartbreaking but I think you know on your gut when there is someone else.
It sounds like gaslighting behaviour making you think your being paranoid despite all the evidence.
This exact thing happened to me. I even messaged the 'other woman' and asked her to leave us alone and he still denied it.
I moved him out.
It's gut wrenching but get yourself a good support group, friends and family, your going to need people you trust and can talk to.
It's a bit of a cliché but it's just going to take time. Hour by hour then turns into day by day. It's just hard without the answers and closure you want.
It's a real trauma your going through so be kind to yourself.

Do not resign !
whatever you do, do not resign.

take some time off ' sick ' if you need to but do not resign.

No need to be so rude about older men. Denigrating the looks of her appalling husband is no help.

If the OP comes back in time with a new man also of her own age, will you be telling her he's not much?

Yes, do read this thread, OP. You’ll find some more great advice.