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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sleep deprivation and DH workout routine

149 replies

ICarriedTheWatermelon · 15/09/2024 16:41

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not here.
I am severely sleep deprived. Our second child is 21 months and has still not slept through the night once. Tried numerous books, methods etc. I am still BF him, and he won’t sleep unless he is cuddled up to me/on me. I do all the night wake ups, which there seems to be a lot of at the moment, as he is receiving from Hand Foot and Mouth. I am to the point I am so shattered, I’m struggling with having the energy to get a new sleep regime imposed.

DH sleeps through all of this. We also have an older child, and I am 8 weeks pregnant. I am just so, so exhausted all the time. I put the milk in the cupboard yesterday, and I ramble and struggle to speak.

Anyway, DH has a routine on the weekends of getting up early and going to the park run, then finding a 10k somewhere on the Sunday morning and doing that. Due to the school run, Saturday and Sunday are the only two days I could potentially get any kind of lie in.

I was furious with DH today when he rocked up back home at 2pm, having being out since 8am and told him he should read the room and go for afternoon runs, rather than fitting in these morning events.

Instead of offering to stop doing them; he put the guilt trip on me about how they help him and he enjoys them and then asked me if I wanted him to stop doing them.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to take the kids on the weekend mornings for a couple of hours so I can sleep?

He doesn’t seem to notice that some days I’m so shattered I don’t get time to take a shower or even brush my hair. I feel so unseen and uncared for. 🙁

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 15/09/2024 16:42

You need to sleep train the child.
It works within three days of you follow the Ferber method.

Booksandwine80 · 15/09/2024 16:44

And you’re having a third child with this selfish turd?

Original poster
ICarriedTheWatermelon · 15/09/2024 16:45

TheShellBeach That’s true . And I want to Dc sleeping through. But DHs attitude and lack of support is a real issue too - I need his support and help to get the sleep routine.

At any point in the future, one of our kids could stop sleeping for whatever reason, and I feel he needs to step up

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 15/09/2024 16:46

“Do I want you to stop your morning runs forever?” “no”. “What I want is you to acknowledge how hard it is just right now and support me getting through it, and if that means you need to make some short term changes well so be it.”

Thewildthingsarewithme · 15/09/2024 16:47

Yes you do want him to stop, you appreciate that it helps him but who helps you, you are willing to compromise by him running one day at the weekend and you lying in the other day if you are particularly kind but my husband would be doing neither

Awfeck · 15/09/2024 16:48

Stop breastfeeding the 2yo, and tell dh he can deal with night wakes, as you are now pregnant again .

Floralspecscase · 15/09/2024 16:48

He should be stopping them in order to support you, yes. No possible question there. He should be taking the toddlers out instead, so you can sleep.

Original poster
ICarriedTheWatermelon · 15/09/2024 16:49

Berthatydfil · 15/09/2024 16:46

“Do I want you to stop your morning runs forever?” “no”. “What I want is you to acknowledge how hard it is just right now and support me getting through it, and if that means you need to make some short term changes well so be it.”

This. I also suggested he take the DC in a running pushchair, as he told me loads of others do it. But no, they are too expensive and he enjoys running alone so he can beat his PB apparently…

It isn’t like I want him to stop running forever.

OP posts:
Neolara · 15/09/2024 16:52

He's being a complete arse. It's ok to call him out on this and it's fine to ask for some help so that you can get some sleep.

Asking him to go for an afternoon run on a Sunday is totally reasonable.

It maybe time to leave him at home solo parenting for a weekend while you have some quality time away with your friends/ family. Nothing bad will happen to your toddler if you are away for 2 nights even if they normally bf to sleep. It might be different and they probably won't like it, but they're not going to be traumatised. And you getting some sleep / feeling more rested is very important.

Anyonefortennistoday · 15/09/2024 16:52

Yet another totally selfish man.

Yes he should be adapting his life style to fulfil his share of caring for his DC.

He should supporting you, especially now you are pregnant again.

He must be able to see how exhausted you are and yet he is only thinking himself. Doesn't he care about you at all?

It makes me so angry.

PermanentTemporary · 15/09/2024 16:53

You are being reasonable, and really he shouldn't have enough energy to rustle up a dumb argument like this.

If things weren't so extreme right now I'd be genuinely interested to find out how the fuck he justifies this to himself.

Original poster
ICarriedTheWatermelon · 15/09/2024 16:53

Anyway, he has (reluctantly) agreed to stop all morning runs, but it is his attitude that annoyed me.

Now I feel guilty for even asking, but also resentful I even had to.

OP posts:
Neolara · 15/09/2024 16:54

Don't feel guilty!

Fizbosshoes · 15/09/2024 16:55

YANBU
The fact that parkrun is free and available every week means it's easy to fit in when possible you don't need to pay or sign up in advance, so nothing lost if you dont go!
You would be unreasonable to insist he never goes running....but you haven't done that, it is quite possible to run at other times of the day, after supporting you, or looking after kids in the morning.

Original poster
ICarriedTheWatermelon · 15/09/2024 16:55

Anyonefortennistoday · 15/09/2024 16:52

Yet another totally selfish man.

Yes he should be adapting his life style to fulfil his share of caring for his DC.

He should supporting you, especially now you are pregnant again.

He must be able to see how exhausted you are and yet he is only thinking himself. Doesn't he care about you at all?

It makes me so angry.

I think this is the nail on the head - it makes me feel very uncared for. He knew how badly I had slept last night, and I had stomach cramps and the DC climbing all over me in his sleep, and I told him all this and he still got up and went!

OP posts:
JennyForeigner · 15/09/2024 16:57

My husband is a serious runner. He runs at night and if the kids don't go down well, he skips it. In return, I try my absolute best to allow him to run every night when he can.

Tell him to get on Strava if it's about his pb and help you otherwise. Yavnb.

Gymmum82 · 15/09/2024 16:58

My husband is a runner and he used to enjoy his morning runs and weekend runs and also weekend events where he’d be away pretty much the whole weekend. He had to stop all of those when we had small children. Now they are older he can do them all again.
That’s just life with kids. Sometimes you have to stop the things you enjoy for a bit but it’s not forever

Original poster
ICarriedTheWatermelon · 15/09/2024 16:58

JennyForeigner · 15/09/2024 16:57

My husband is a serious runner. He runs at night and if the kids don't go down well, he skips it. In return, I try my absolute best to allow him to run every night when he can.

Tell him to get on Strava if it's about his pb and help you otherwise. Yavnb.

He has Strava, so he is just being stubborn and inflexible in wanting to do these runs. It’s not the same atmosphere running alone and timing it apparently for his PB

OP posts:
UrbanFan · 15/09/2024 17:00

ICarriedTheWatermelon · 15/09/2024 16:53

Anyway, he has (reluctantly) agreed to stop all morning runs, but it is his attitude that annoyed me.

Now I feel guilty for even asking, but also resentful I even had to.

Edited

Do not feel guilty. He is an absolute arse.
What you should do is express milk and he should get up for some of the night feeds. How he has got away with letting you do all the night feeds is beyond me.

Come on now. Put your foot down. He is not participating enough in the raising of your children.

distractmeagain · 15/09/2024 17:02

well he's been allowed to get away with it all for this long why should he stop now?

and you are pregnant with your 3rd!

thekrakenhasgone · 15/09/2024 17:02

You need to stop breast feeding the older child and train/ reward him to sleep through the night. Don't get up for him, or get your DH to do it. If the sleep problem with the child was sorted, you'd feel better straight away.

JennyForeigner · 15/09/2024 17:03

ICarriedTheWatermelon · 15/09/2024 16:58

He has Strava, so he is just being stubborn and inflexible in wanting to do these runs. It’s not the same atmosphere running alone and timing it apparently for his PB

Edited
Show quote history

I'm not even slightly surprised. It's an excuse to avoid the hard graft of parenting and you have called him out. It tells you something about his character that this is how he reacted.

Pixiewombat · 15/09/2024 17:07

Sleep deprivation is a method of torture.

Book a hotel, go to it and have a sleep.

What does this prince among men bring to the party, btw?

Jennyathemall · 15/09/2024 17:08

Not helpful but why on earth are you having another at this time and with this type of DH?!

RawBloomers · 15/09/2024 17:11

he put the guilt trip on me about how they help him and he enjoys them and then asked me if I wanted him to stop doing them.

Your response to this needs to be to go batshit at him about how selfish it is when you have just been asking for support because you aren’t getting enough sleep to function let alone go for a fucking run.