Sleep deprivation and DH workout routine

[ICarriedTheWatermelon]

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not here.
I am severely sleep deprived. Our second child is 21 months and has still not slept through the night once. Tried numerous books, methods etc. I am still BF him, and he won’t sleep unless he is cuddled up to me/on me. I do all the night wake ups, which there seems to be a lot of at the moment, as he is receiving from Hand Foot and Mouth. I am to the point I am so shattered, I’m struggling with having the energy to get a new sleep regime imposed.

DH sleeps through all of this. We also have an older child, and I am 8 weeks pregnant. I am just so, so exhausted all the time. I put the milk in the cupboard yesterday, and I ramble and struggle to speak.

Anyway, DH has a routine on the weekends of getting up early and going to the park run, then finding a 10k somewhere on the Sunday morning and doing that. Due to the school run, Saturday and Sunday are the only two days I could potentially get any kind of lie in.

I was furious with DH today when he rocked up back home at 2pm, having being out since 8am and told him he should read the room and go for afternoon runs, rather than fitting in these morning events.

Instead of offering to stop doing them; he put the guilt trip on me about how they help him and he enjoys them and then asked me if I wanted him to stop doing them.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to take the kids on the weekend mornings for a couple of hours so I can sleep?

He doesn’t seem to notice that some days I’m so shattered I don’t get time to take a shower or even brush my hair. I feel so unseen and uncared for. 🙁

Do you mean he wants to run alone or doesn’t? I’ve heard of strava but thought this just tracked your runs on an app.

You said earlier he wants to run alone which is why he won’t t take your toddler out with him?

How is this man in any way pulling his weight in this ‘partnership’?

This

Also, even if she does choose to sleep train (a) Mr RunninfgMan needs to help out fully with that process so that the two year old has a parent to hand without a milk supply and (b) it still isn’t fair for him to disappear most of the weekend and (c) she’s pregnant, so sometime next spring, she will again have broken nights for at least a few months and this guy needs to have got over whining about not having the freedom a non parent would have.

I can do relate to this
After our second child my husband started walking at the weekends , these walks would take all day and usually involve a pub lunch stopover and back to his mates house . Then progressed to Sundays and Saturdays , then progressed to a walking holiday , the last one was a month long !
He wouldn't compromise , saying he needed them for his mental health due to stress from work . I said it wasn't what I needed for my mental health and children not seeing their dad was not what they needed for their mental health . I bought him a gym membership that he's never used despite him saying he would switch to using the gym .
It bought me to my knees at the time , the selfishness and lack of insight he had .
He was willing to sacrifice our family / relationship for his "needs" .
I shouted , cried , begged ( I know !) and told him our marriage was dead
Then he lost his job , it was stressful but a different stress , he was more present at home ( his job meant he also worked away in the week) . He said how he hated working away and walking gave him headspace .
He returned to a different job , he still walks most weekends but returns home after a few hours , not all day . Then does things with children in afternoon so I can do bits . I go to gym , meet a friend or just get shopping in . And he's booked us a fancy family holiday away and no walking holiday this year .
I know it's not the same OP but it's when i stopped shouting then he found he needed me that bought us back together .

I don’t think he should have to stop running as it so good for mental and physical health but he should do it at a time that doesn’t put you out in any way. He should also facilitate time for you to engage with YOUR hobbies too OP@ICarriedTheWatermelon

He either had some kind of a mental breakdown due to work/ stresses of being a parent to a 2nd child, or he was a monumental dickhead.

My money is on the latter @Sceptical123 I couldn’t quite believe what I was reading there.

It’s unbelievable isn’t it 😵‍💫

I can understand it’s not easy to just sever a relationship, particularly when kids are involved, but it seems from these threads that there is a substantial number of men who like the idea of kids, but have no actual concept that their lives are going to have to change. Dramatically. Either they’re unfathomably naiive, or they just assume the mother will pick up the slack (do it all) so that their own lives are unaffected. And a lot then have to.

A lot of men walk out bc they can’t (won’t) compromise. It’s the height of selfishness and irresponsibility. I have no time for men like this. Absolutely no care or consideration towards their partner or their poor kids.

If this thread is real, because I can't fathom why you'd be having another child with this selfish arse, then this is what you should do

@Sceptical123 @SirChenjins
Whatever it was I know it was bloody hard on me
He went from a fully engaged husband and father to that .
I was made redundant and not working except with children . My job involved retraining and was quite niche so all the financial load was on him .
Whatever it was I don't know , but he was not selfish before . Now he's back to what he was before . Many friends commented and felt it was a mid life crisis or breakdown because he became very introverted.

An affair that then ended? Mid-life crises and mental ill health are often blamed for men opting out of family life at the weekends but it’s usually a more straightforward explanation.

He doesn’t seem to notice that some days I’m so shattered I don’t get time to take a shower or even brush my hair. I feel so unseen and uncared for.

Men aren't particularly observant. You need to tell him and not wait for him to notice.

....but he must notice that he's out for 6 hours (for what is likely less than an hours actual running) which is a large chunk of the day, and that hes leaving his wife to do all the parenting in that time (he's likely unavailable for even longer because he probably has to have a shower etc when getting home)

If your DH is not going to step up, I suggest you make some changes so you can be more rested. Your DH is extremely selfish.

That sounds about right then. Maybe it was his way of ‘escaping’ or checking out bc he couldn’t cope. Women don’t seem to have that option, although of course everyone’s circumstances are unique to them and some women do leave.

I’m glad to hear things are better now and he’s not like that any more 👍🏻

1000% he should not be doing these runs, certainly not on both days. Very selfish of him not to allow you to get some rest when you can, especially being pregnant as well.

He is selfish. Sorry but he seems to not care about you.
You need to have a serious talk with him.

I would book into a premier inn for 2 nights 3 days and leave him to it.
Apart from a very upset 2 year old of course.

How can he put going to a run in the morning against your mental and physical health? That surely is verging on abusive. Certainly neglectful and very very selfish.

Please please OP start using contraception after this baby and do not have any more with this man. Unplanned pregnancies happen of course (I had one) but three times with the same useless git, when he must've been a useless after the first baby? I'd also seriously consider if you want to continue with this pregnancy.

Does he even like you OP, let alone love you? He isn't showing ANY consideration for you at all.

Clamp your fanny shut and do not have a 4th child with this horrible man.

Tell him to get a double running buggy and that the buggy record for parkrun is 15.20 and he can work on getting close to that for a while

Why do you think that you think put up with this behaviour?

Instead of offering to stop doing them; he put the guilt trip on me about how they help him and he enjoys them and then asked me if I wanted him to stop doing them

The answer to that should have been "Pick one" followed by - and you get up with the DC's on the other day. And stick to it (or tell him to do the Sunday one and you get a Saturday lie in. Then he can't nab both days by sleeping through them getting up)