I've met a guy but have reservations

[roses321]

He's extremely affectionate and a perfect gentleman, opens the door for me, very respectful and caring. We've been dating about 2 months, he ended up accompanying me on what was going to be a solo trip to Turkey and we got on great. He asked me if I'd like to make a go of things with him and I said yes.

Few things though:

1. He's very into these right wing political conspiracy theories. I put it down to the fact he's south african and he's seen a lot more than I have (I've just been in the same place my whole life). He's convinced the government want to control us and his endless tiktok watching is more annoying than anything. I've just ignored it largely. It's not something I am interested in. I'm open to anything but I need solid facts before I really listen to things like this.

1. Whilst we're both 40 he seems very keen for a baby. I don't have children and he has one in south africa. The mother wouldn't let him have any part in her life and wanted him to give up rights. He tried to be involved and still pays for his daughters schooling but she just texts him when she wants money there is no custody arrangement and because he couldn't get work in south africa and was repeatedly given just an hour supervised with his daughter he came back to the UK because he had no money or work. White men apparently find it hard out there. He has no idea if he's on the birth certificate and no legal advice has been sought over this situation, he's just trying to do what he can.

1. He doesn't earn amazingly, he has been back in the UK for a year and is living with his mother right now who he takes care of. He's made it clear he's not a financially motivated person. I earn a lot more than him and I have kept quiet about this and said nothing about my income. I think he's on about 30k so he's not exactly broke but I do worry about it.

1. Things are very early days with us but he made my alarm bells go off when he suggested we both go to a party that he was invited to by someone he had made friends with from tinder (a woman). He was happy to show me the messages but I said it's inappropriate to stay in touch with people you dated and since he'd only met her once and decided she was not for him I couldn't understand why he'd stay in touch. He said they got on and he has no friends in the UK they are all in south africa. I didn't like this at all. I believe him because he was completely transparent but I'm still uncomfortable. He said he's happy not speaking with her again. His message to her says he met someone (me) and she acknowledged the invitation might be inappropriate but she was inviting us both as friends. I have my own friends I am not interested in this at all.

I would normally just cut someone off if I'm not sure but we get on great and the things he does for me are small but mean a lot. His general manner towards me is just extremely respectful and kind and caring. It's not about money or overblown gestures it's just decency. Always taking my bags, always letting me through doors first, walking on the outside of the pavement, the way he's taken care of his mother after a hip operation, his consistency with staying in touch and his affectionate manner. There is a lot I really like that is understated and means so much to me.

I think he genuinely does want his own family and because he's spent his life moving around perhaps he just wants to settle down. I am wired to be cautious because of my previous experiences so perhaps I'm doing the same here. Thoughts would be great.

Seriously this guy has more red flags than a communist party convention and yet you’re choosing to ignore them because he carries your bags and hold doors open.

Please wake up and see what’s in front of your eyes. Have you been in an abusive relationship previously because I don’t think you’re being cautious at all, I think you’re completely disregarding the obvious signs that’s he’s a bad prospect just because he treats you well at times.

If you want to date a conspiracy fanatic who has been denied contact with his own child, I’m not sure what I can say to talk to you out of it.

he ended up accompanying me on what was going to be a solo trip to Turkey.
Errrrmmmm....? After only 2 months he inserted himself and you didn't think this was a red flag?

Whilst we're both 40 he seems very keen for a baby.
Run like the wind. Don't question it, just RUN. He doesn't want YOU, he wants a willing baby receptacle who has no boundaries. Don't let that be you.

It's lovely that you enjoy little gestures like doors and walking on streets... but that's not what a relationship is about.

He's not a right wing conspiracy theorist because he's South African. He's just a right wing conspiracy theorist. His not an absent dad because his ex makes it hard. He's just an absent dad. And he isn't not finding work in south africa because he's white. He's not finding work in south African because he's a mediocre white man and he's lost his privilege.

He is an obvious loser. Dump and block.

He doesn’t earn well, not that motivated, but sounds like he has a decent and stable job. For me this wouldn’t be an issue, I don’t have expensive tastes myself. Unequal finances would make me more cautious about marriage and I’d want to clarify our contributions etc before living together, otherwise no problem. If you want someone with more drive and career success that’s valid, but I don’t see a red flag here.

Staying in touch with a date that didn’t progress seems fine to me. I’ve dated people I’d have gladly stayed friends with but there just wasn’t a spark. Also think it’s fine to stay friends with exes, depending on circumstances. He responded to your discomfort with it and dropped the contact. Seems okay.

I’m always suspicious of the crazy / controlling ex narrative. His having a child he claims he wasn’t allowed to see, plus linking his lack of work in SA to race both put me on edge. But I don’t know the situation or the culture so could be true. I’d be asking a lot around this. His wanting a child is fair enough, he must realise that you’re fairly old for having a baby. Have you talked about whether he’s committed to the relationship if there isn’t a child? Do you want kids? Is this making you rush or compromise too much?

The right wind conspiracies would give me the ick very quickly. Have you challenged him? Does he hold a lot of “traditional” views about family life? That doesn’t play well with his lower earnings and could spell trouble. Is he open to changing his mind? This one would make me very very cautious about continuing anything.

Holding the door for you is not a good reason to stay with someone!! But strong communication, a caring personality, and generally making you feel valued are real positives. Following up the kids conversation might bring clarity. How does he imagine that working? Does he want to be main carer, since he’s not career motivated? Can you see a good family life with him, given his political views? And how much do you both want the relationship to continue if the possibility of kids were off the table?

In your own words:
-We've been dating about 2 months + he seems very keen for a baby
-The mother wouldn't let him have any part in her life and wanted him to give up rights.
-He's made it clear he's not a financially motivated person. (a problem if you work hard to earn)
-he made my alarm bells go off
-I'm still uncomfortable

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Do some push-ups. Build up your arm strength. Carry your own bags.

This is him on his best behaviour, and already you have all these signs that he is bad news.

Stop explaining things away just because he is charming and has nice manners (which can also be the classic signs of a confidence trickster).

It's a NO from me.

Totally dodgy guy given his history. Lol, you think you are cautious? Far from it, in 2 months you have found out lots of negatives about him, yet have chosen to ignore it all. Going on holiday with someone you hardly know is throwing caution to the wind - its lucky nothing bad happens.
If he's seemingly that wonderful and respectful now, he could well be love-bombing you, this is what abusive men start off as. There will be a valid reason why he only got an hour supervised with his DC, they don't put those kind of restrictions on for nothing.
He's sucking you in by buttering you up, so that when the mask slips, you'll do nothing about it and then he'll know he has control.
As a minimum take a step back, maintain your friendships and take your time to assess. I bet he's been moving this at breakneck speed - talk of DC's within a couple of months, coming on your solo holiday , are all signs of him being pushy. How many times a week do you meet up? If its more than twice at this early stage, it's too much.

Those who say he doesn't earn well sounds like you live down south to me 🤣 30k is not bad at all up north.

But regards to that, he is definitely a walking red flag. Just bin and move on.

Thanks for the only sensible response.

I've asked him plenty of questions and the political views are extremely irritating to me but I think I understand the reasoning which at least provides some insight. The thing about finding work is a genuine thing actually, I've known others in the same boat so I think people saying it's bs don't know what they are talking about. There is plenty of information freely available about this situation.

I'm not being blind about this. Frankly if I ended up pregnant at my age and had a child I wouldn't actually see it as a negative. I earn well and even if things didn't work out with him I genuinely wouldn't see it as the end of the world, I have the money and lifestyle to be a single parent and it's very clear to me from what I've seen evidence wise that he's supporting his current child and I've also seen that the mother has made things difficult at every turn. Women can be the bad guys and in this situation I've seen the evidence. My concern with him is that he's not getting legal advice. He's paying without any kind of custody agreement in place and he's paying more than he needs to considering he can't see his child. If people don't think women can use children like this they need to wake up. It isn't always just men.

I'm well aware of men and their control tactics. I don't pick this up from him. He isn't trying to trap me in a shitty situation and even if he was he'd have a hard time trying. He has a stable job, he's had ups and downs, he works bloody hard and he puts himself out for me and treats me with the utmost respect. His political beliefs are annoying though but respect is honestly worth a lot to me and he shows that repeatedly.

I appreciate the responses saying watch yourself and I do but honestly some of the rhetoric is insane and not what I was asking. You're the only one who has actually answered what I was asking.

I stopped reading at right wing conspiracy theorist.

That will never get better. If that's not what you're into, then don't hitch your wagon to it - at best, he becomes your partner and people start avoiding you as they don't like it/ him, at worst, you start to believe the nonsense too.

Indeed I'm on double that

Wondering why he only had supervised contact with his dc.... Shame you can't ask his ex... Likely you are better off not knowing and ltb before he accidentally gets you pregnant..

The holiday thing was a group holiday. Was open to anyone who wanted to go.

I'm aware of DV and DA I don't need advice on that. I'm not seeing any love bombing at all. Genuinely not seeing it.

We meet at weekends. He's not constantly in my face. He spends most time working or taking care of his mother.

OP, why did you post? You have asked people's opinions but seems upset when the very obvious red flags here are pointed out rather than taking on board what people are saying.

It all sounds incredibly dodgy and odd to me and I wonder if your better financial position is part of the draw for him but you only want to hear people saying that it all sounds great, so carry on.

He's paying without any kind of custody agreement in place and he's paying more than he needs to considering he can't see his child

What has seeing or not seeing his child got to do with the amount he pays?

I'll tell you. Nothing.

Men have used this as an excuse for not paying maintenance since time began.

And I'd be very, very wary of the "nasty controlling ex" trope.

It's very convenient, especially as he's no longer in the same continent as her.

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He's openly racist and clearly not very bright if he believes in conspiracy theories. He is not allowed contact with his child. Why on earth anyone would date a racist is beyond me. But you're clearly not going to listen to anyone so why bother posting.

I wouldn't go on holiday, even a group holiday, with a man I barely knew.

Is he a Trump supporter?

I'm actually a bit surprised that you haven't challenged him on the conspiracy theories, @roses321

I'm not sure where I said he was racist??? That's a leap. But that's also where this discussion goes off track I think and I'm not going to get into that debate.

Thanks for the only sensible response.
😮

So the rest of us who advised otherwise are just man hating harridans then, nothing to do with experience? Looks like you have already decided he's a good one so I don't know what you are after. Permission to be stupid? Probably.