I've met a guy but have reservations

[roses321]

He's extremely affectionate and a perfect gentleman, opens the door for me, very respectful and caring. We've been dating about 2 months, he ended up accompanying me on what was going to be a solo trip to Turkey and we got on great. He asked me if I'd like to make a go of things with him and I said yes.

Few things though:

1. He's very into these right wing political conspiracy theories. I put it down to the fact he's south african and he's seen a lot more than I have (I've just been in the same place my whole life). He's convinced the government want to control us and his endless tiktok watching is more annoying than anything. I've just ignored it largely. It's not something I am interested in. I'm open to anything but I need solid facts before I really listen to things like this.

1. Whilst we're both 40 he seems very keen for a baby. I don't have children and he has one in south africa. The mother wouldn't let him have any part in her life and wanted him to give up rights. He tried to be involved and still pays for his daughters schooling but she just texts him when she wants money there is no custody arrangement and because he couldn't get work in south africa and was repeatedly given just an hour supervised with his daughter he came back to the UK because he had no money or work. White men apparently find it hard out there. He has no idea if he's on the birth certificate and no legal advice has been sought over this situation, he's just trying to do what he can.

1. He doesn't earn amazingly, he has been back in the UK for a year and is living with his mother right now who he takes care of. He's made it clear he's not a financially motivated person. I earn a lot more than him and I have kept quiet about this and said nothing about my income. I think he's on about 30k so he's not exactly broke but I do worry about it.

1. Things are very early days with us but he made my alarm bells go off when he suggested we both go to a party that he was invited to by someone he had made friends with from tinder (a woman). He was happy to show me the messages but I said it's inappropriate to stay in touch with people you dated and since he'd only met her once and decided she was not for him I couldn't understand why he'd stay in touch. He said they got on and he has no friends in the UK they are all in south africa. I didn't like this at all. I believe him because he was completely transparent but I'm still uncomfortable. He said he's happy not speaking with her again. His message to her says he met someone (me) and she acknowledged the invitation might be inappropriate but she was inviting us both as friends. I have my own friends I am not interested in this at all.

I would normally just cut someone off if I'm not sure but we get on great and the things he does for me are small but mean a lot. His general manner towards me is just extremely respectful and kind and caring. It's not about money or overblown gestures it's just decency. Always taking my bags, always letting me through doors first, walking on the outside of the pavement, the way he's taken care of his mother after a hip operation, his consistency with staying in touch and his affectionate manner. There is a lot I really like that is understated and means so much to me.

I think he genuinely does want his own family and because he's spent his life moving around perhaps he just wants to settle down. I am wired to be cautious because of my previous experiences so perhaps I'm doing the same here. Thoughts would be great.

Sounds like a walking red flag. What on earth.

Also it's not weird to stay in touch with someone you went on one date with and weren't interested in.

Right wing conspiracy theories aren't known for being not racist

The conspiracy theories and the fact he doesn’t see his child would be enough of a turn off for me!

be a man and be there for your child.

not the kind of man I want involved with.

Not to mention tagging along on your holiday when you'd only known him a fortnight.

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
sorry, OP

He is looking for a cash cow and a care taker.

Its only been 2 months, you can't be too invested. Dump and block.

Right wing conspiracy theories simply do not come without misogyny and racism. Either he’s not yet deep enough to be misogynist and racist (yet, if he keeps on with right wing tik tok he will get there), or he’s hiding these bits from you for now.

This.
with bells on.

Op, you’re kidding yourself. Or being disingenuous.

This👆

Aside from the parade of red flags, you find him irritating after just two months of dating. End it, and don't compromise. Single is better than this.

Random strangers will open doors for you if that's what you want.

He sounds awful. Racist conspiracy theorist, deadbeat dad, unambitious, doesn't have the sense to seek expert advice when he needs it (assuming he actually wants it), trying to get you pregnant (but presumably not barefoot as he'd still want you to bring in the dosh...)

Big fat NO.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I've also seen that the mother has made things difficult at every turn.
You've known him 2months!!! ffs wake up, it's a storyline as old as time; crazy ex, hard life as a white man, lives with his mum, no ££, conspiracy theorist, jesus woman wake up!!
There are other men out there.

Points 1 and 2 are 🚩🚩🚩🚩 to me.

The conspiracy theories - you only know what he has told you - for now.
You have no idea how deep he is into those ideas and how far right he actually is. If he isn’t stupid, he isn’t going to tell you now.

The not seeing his child and leaving SA I dint get if he is from SA?!? This man chose what he thought was a nicer life for himself instead of the opportunity to see his child, even if it was just for one hour.
He could also have started a new career there.

And YY some women are awful etc….
But you can’t judge from messages received in the last two months. I mean, let’s say there was a lot of violence and DA in that marriage or that he was using the child to get to me, I’m not sure I’d be nice to him either. Or I’d want any contact bar a bit of money there and then.

If it's not 100% right then it's a no.

I think I'd be trying my best not to let my ex see my child if he was a right wing conspiracy theorist too!!

Maybe if/when you have a child, you see how easily children can be affected & influenced, and you worry about their mental health growing up and the course of their life, you'll understand why a parent wouldn't want a conspiracy theorist having contact with their kid too.

Salary, fine in a solid job with prospects.

Staying in touch with an ex/ someone met dating as friends only, fine if honest and within reason. I met some nice blokes that way who have remained pals. I don't see them every week or anything.

If those are your boundaries, that's ok but they are yours and it is incumbent on you to walk away, not him to change.

However. Having a child overseas whom the mother won't let him see? Right wing conspiracy theorist? I would let this one go without trying to unpick it too much. Some men are potentially great but just not quite right. Don't spend too much time on them once this has become apparent.

If he irritates you now just think how it would be in a year or two. Run, and run like the wind. Keep running.

Yes! Yes! Yes! And deep down you know this. That’s why you’re posting. Opening doors means nothing unless you’re both 73+

Most South Africans hold quite right-wing views in comparison to Brits. As a white South African he is being truthful about finding work difficult to come by out there - they are discriminated against.

If he’s working and living abroad what more can he do, other than send money home, especially if the mother is reluctant to facilitate contact? You only have what he has told you to go on here but I wouldn’t be necessarily seeing it as a red flag.

He sounds like he’s been honest and straightforward with you, but your views don’t quite align and he lacks drive/ambition. For me, that would be a no. But we are all different, and I guess it just depends on whether or not these are dealbreakers for you.

Please ignore all of those red flag responses, I suspect that a lot of the pp don’t know any South Africans are jumping to conclusions.

@FeistyFrankie

Not saying you’re wrong.
BUT
the fact those ideas are common there doesn’t mean anyone has to accept them or not see them as a 🚩🚩. In particular, being right wing is one thing. Being into conspiration theories is another

The fact he is discriminated against might be true. Does it mean it’s ok to abandon your child though?
I mean, I’m not ok with discrimination as such but on the other hand, white people have no issue discriminating against black people for a very long time there. They’re now experiencing it too. Time to adjust instead of feeling they had it all?

I'm not sure I'd overlook the right wing conspiracy theories because he's got nice manners. I think down the line, fundamentally different belief systems will cause you problems. I'd also be wary of anyone who would even talk about wanting to have a child with you after only a couple of months. You say it wouldn't be the end of the world if you found yourself pregnant - that's very different from saying you really want to have children. My advice would be to move very slowly OP and be careful. You don't have to rush anything, date him for another year or two and then see how you feel, you'll know him a lot better by then.

Good parents don't leave their DC on another continent for their own convenience. If you want a child, find someone better to have one with. Otherwise there's nothing wrong with enjoying the relationship for what it is.

Please ignore all of those red flag responses, I suspect that a lot of the pp don’t know any South Africans are jumping to conclusions

I’ve worked for a SA company for 30 years. At least 30% of our UK office staff are from SA and I’ve travelled out there for work on numerous occasions. I also dated a SA guy for a couple of years that I met through work.

So, on the contrary to your conclusion, I know many South Africans and I stand by the fact this guy is waving a bunting of red flags that opening a few doors doesn’t anywhere near compensate for but it’s obviously up to the OP who she dates. I personally wouldn’t touch this one with a bargepole.