I've met a guy but have reservations

[roses321]

He's extremely affectionate and a perfect gentleman, opens the door for me, very respectful and caring. We've been dating about 2 months, he ended up accompanying me on what was going to be a solo trip to Turkey and we got on great. He asked me if I'd like to make a go of things with him and I said yes.

Few things though:

1. He's very into these right wing political conspiracy theories. I put it down to the fact he's south african and he's seen a lot more than I have (I've just been in the same place my whole life). He's convinced the government want to control us and his endless tiktok watching is more annoying than anything. I've just ignored it largely. It's not something I am interested in. I'm open to anything but I need solid facts before I really listen to things like this.

1. Whilst we're both 40 he seems very keen for a baby. I don't have children and he has one in south africa. The mother wouldn't let him have any part in her life and wanted him to give up rights. He tried to be involved and still pays for his daughters schooling but she just texts him when she wants money there is no custody arrangement and because he couldn't get work in south africa and was repeatedly given just an hour supervised with his daughter he came back to the UK because he had no money or work. White men apparently find it hard out there. He has no idea if he's on the birth certificate and no legal advice has been sought over this situation, he's just trying to do what he can.

1. He doesn't earn amazingly, he has been back in the UK for a year and is living with his mother right now who he takes care of. He's made it clear he's not a financially motivated person. I earn a lot more than him and I have kept quiet about this and said nothing about my income. I think he's on about 30k so he's not exactly broke but I do worry about it.

1. Things are very early days with us but he made my alarm bells go off when he suggested we both go to a party that he was invited to by someone he had made friends with from tinder (a woman). He was happy to show me the messages but I said it's inappropriate to stay in touch with people you dated and since he'd only met her once and decided she was not for him I couldn't understand why he'd stay in touch. He said they got on and he has no friends in the UK they are all in south africa. I didn't like this at all. I believe him because he was completely transparent but I'm still uncomfortable. He said he's happy not speaking with her again. His message to her says he met someone (me) and she acknowledged the invitation might be inappropriate but she was inviting us both as friends. I have my own friends I am not interested in this at all.

I would normally just cut someone off if I'm not sure but we get on great and the things he does for me are small but mean a lot. His general manner towards me is just extremely respectful and kind and caring. It's not about money or overblown gestures it's just decency. Always taking my bags, always letting me through doors first, walking on the outside of the pavement, the way he's taken care of his mother after a hip operation, his consistency with staying in touch and his affectionate manner. There is a lot I really like that is understated and means so much to me.

I think he genuinely does want his own family and because he's spent his life moving around perhaps he just wants to settle down. I am wired to be cautious because of my previous experiences so perhaps I'm doing the same here. Thoughts would be great.

Run far and fast

You're not prepared to challenge racism and conspiracy theories?
Wow.

He must be spectacularly good in bed.

Hard no 💯

You’re prepared to ignore half a dozen major red flags because he does a few common or garden polite things for you? More fool you op. More fool you.

OP as a South African myself, the carrying bags, opening doors is just how he was brought up. That is very normal thing for him to be doing.

But please don't let that shadow things.

The most obvious red flag here is that he had no contact with his child. How does he talk about the mother of his child? This is normally quite telling.

I agree with you here. This is not a racism issue. But there are other issues here that I think would be best focused on.

Yep and anyone pointing out red flags so obvious Stevie Wonder could see them clearly has an insane rhetoric apparently.

None so blind as those who choose not to see

Oh, come on, OP!

I read your first three paragraphs and my gut said, get rid. He's a waster.

It’s true re the work situation in South Africa, and it’s not racist to point that out.

However, his conspiracy theory tendencies and the fact he has been prevented from seeing his child are two major factors.

Think about it. His ex is a bitter woman who has prevented him from seeing his child. So he has two choices: either go to court and fight for access, or go and live 6000 miles away. Mmm

fact is if his ex really is that bitter he would be doing something about it and he’s not.

You were being unreasonable about the party, they obviously weren’t romantically interested in each other but it’s perfectly fine to stay friends with someone you went on a date with if you liked each other well enough but there was no spark.

the rest of it would put me off though

Given the fact that the conspiracy theories he believes in are of the right wing variety, I’d bet a reasonable sum that there’s racism involved.

OP I hold the door open for complete strangers. It’s not a benchmark of my moral rectitude or personality.

Are you dating Elon Musk?

Why have you asked the questions if you don't want to hear the answers?

Your reservations seem justified. Trust your gut.

Caring for his dm could mean something else entirely..

Haha! You're right! I think it is.

Even if you take at face value what he's says about his Ex and DC and you aren't bothered about his earnings, isn't him being a conspiracy theorist a basic incompatibility?

Conspiracy theorists are pretty obsessive about their beliefs (you refer to his 'endless' tiktoking), everything is seen through the lens of those beliefs and it dominates their conversation. If you aren't yourself a right-wing conspiracy theorist, isn't that a major barrier to you having a successful, long-term relationship with this man?

If you aren't yourself a right-wing conspiracy theorist, isn't that a major barrier to you having a successful, long-term relationship with this man?

Not to mention having a sensible conversation about almost anything.

He's a white South African right-wing conspiracy theorist and it hasn't occurred to you that his views on race might not coincide with the laws in the UK? Come on.

I'm a South African woman. It's a hard NO from me. Absofuckinglutely not. Get rid.

So you want to carry on seeing this racist, future cocklodger because he opens doors for you? Standards my dear, standards.

I met a guy who wanted to insert himself into my holiday to Skegness in the early 90s. Great sex but I noped out of that one asap.
Major red flag!

Conspiracy theorists are not otherwise well adjusted individuals.

If they were well adjusted, they wouldn't be conspiracy theorists.

You've only been involved with him for 8 weeks, if I've picked that up correctly. 8 weeks is the blink of an eye in the scheme of things.

If you get to know him properly (closer to 2 years) you'll see the rest of the crazy.

If you're happy to be a single Mum,why don't you go on pollen tree or somewhere and make an arrangement with a donor. Or better still do it through a clinic.

Then you don't lumber your kid with a nutty right wing conspiracy theorist for a father.

I've also seen that the mother has made things difficult at every turn.

But do you know why? Maybe he's her 'crazy ex' rather than the other way around. You don't know him well enough to be sure.

Don't rush into anything (especially not a baby!!) and trust your instincts - I think they're already telling you something, otherwise you wouldn't have posted on here.