I've met a guy but have reservations

[roses321]

He's extremely affectionate and a perfect gentleman, opens the door for me, very respectful and caring. We've been dating about 2 months, he ended up accompanying me on what was going to be a solo trip to Turkey and we got on great. He asked me if I'd like to make a go of things with him and I said yes.

Few things though:

1. He's very into these right wing political conspiracy theories. I put it down to the fact he's south african and he's seen a lot more than I have (I've just been in the same place my whole life). He's convinced the government want to control us and his endless tiktok watching is more annoying than anything. I've just ignored it largely. It's not something I am interested in. I'm open to anything but I need solid facts before I really listen to things like this.

1. Whilst we're both 40 he seems very keen for a baby. I don't have children and he has one in south africa. The mother wouldn't let him have any part in her life and wanted him to give up rights. He tried to be involved and still pays for his daughters schooling but she just texts him when she wants money there is no custody arrangement and because he couldn't get work in south africa and was repeatedly given just an hour supervised with his daughter he came back to the UK because he had no money or work. White men apparently find it hard out there. He has no idea if he's on the birth certificate and no legal advice has been sought over this situation, he's just trying to do what he can.

1. He doesn't earn amazingly, he has been back in the UK for a year and is living with his mother right now who he takes care of. He's made it clear he's not a financially motivated person. I earn a lot more than him and I have kept quiet about this and said nothing about my income. I think he's on about 30k so he's not exactly broke but I do worry about it.

1. Things are very early days with us but he made my alarm bells go off when he suggested we both go to a party that he was invited to by someone he had made friends with from tinder (a woman). He was happy to show me the messages but I said it's inappropriate to stay in touch with people you dated and since he'd only met her once and decided she was not for him I couldn't understand why he'd stay in touch. He said they got on and he has no friends in the UK they are all in south africa. I didn't like this at all. I believe him because he was completely transparent but I'm still uncomfortable. He said he's happy not speaking with her again. His message to her says he met someone (me) and she acknowledged the invitation might be inappropriate but she was inviting us both as friends. I have my own friends I am not interested in this at all.

I would normally just cut someone off if I'm not sure but we get on great and the things he does for me are small but mean a lot. His general manner towards me is just extremely respectful and kind and caring. It's not about money or overblown gestures it's just decency. Always taking my bags, always letting me through doors first, walking on the outside of the pavement, the way he's taken care of his mother after a hip operation, his consistency with staying in touch and his affectionate manner. There is a lot I really like that is understated and means so much to me.

I think he genuinely does want his own family and because he's spent his life moving around perhaps he just wants to settle down. I am wired to be cautious because of my previous experiences so perhaps I'm doing the same here. Thoughts would be great.

Follow your gut
those little red flags
looking from outside, they are huge red banners
sorry op
but u know really it’s a dump and run on by

Too much talk about money so early in proceedings.
His daughter could be fictional.
Lives with his mother.
Conclusion: Cocklodger-in-waiting...

@roses321

"He's convinced the government want to control us"

Well there is a theory that left wing governments by offering to provide more services/ things for their citizens removing personal responsibility and by default then have more control over its citizens.

Whereas right wing governments that emphasise more personal responsibility and less provision by the state then have less control over its citizens.

I'm very confused, OP. You said it "really does appear to me as though I'm being spoken to by a bunch of people who have their perfect husbands, perfect lives, perfect kids and I must be an idiot not to have those things and what is wrong with me in the head."

Firstly, I'm sure many posters are speaking from their own personal experience with men and red flags in relationships. Lots of us have been where you are.

Others, yes, are speaking from happy, fulfilled relationships. Why is that a bad thing? We all want good relationships, why not listen to people about how they got there?

Some people are better at spotting red flags than others. It's also easier to see red flags from an outsider's perspective. You've had a near unanimous response. Think about it.

...............it really does appear to me as though I'm being spoken to by a bunch of people who have their perfect husbands, perfect lives, perfect kids and I must be an idiot not to have those things and what is wrong with me in the head

You've said that several times.

I personally have had two very abusive relationships in the past. One violent husband and another who left me for another man.

I am happily married now though and a lot older than you.

Don't make assumptions. Especially about "perfect kids" - mine are as flawed as the rest of the human race.

My advice to you on this thread, and I am a woman who is almost 70, is not to believe any of the toffee this man gives you. He's shared too much, too soon, and there are many, many reasons for you to be extremely cautious.

I do wish you well. Everyone deserves a happy relationship.

You can do better OP, this sounds more than a bit desperate.

He's not a catch at all.

it really does appear to me as though I'm being spoken to by a bunch of people who have their perfect husbands, perfect lives, perfect kids and I must be an idiot not to have those things and what is wrong with me in the head

No. Not at all.

I'd imagine it's far more likely that many of us have been (and some still will be) in crappy relationships with crappy men and dont want the same for you.

There's no point waiting until you're trapped ans it's harder to leave.

I never understand why people ask for advice and then get angry when people give them advice. No one on here has an axe to grind but are just offering different views on what you have posted.

I have a very strong suspicion we'll be back here in a few weeks.... Again....

No one claimed the mother "was born with a vagina and that somehow equates to the same as a halo and wings"; since you said you have previously noted that there are a lot of women suffering from domestic violence and other abuse in many threads on Mumsnet, I am assuming, or hoping, that you would be at least somewhat aware of the level of misogyny women still face in this world and if you think saying something like this is fair or appropriate, you really need to think again.

Of course i'm aware of the misogyny! I myself came from an abusive relationship with an absolute class a misogynist.

My issue as i've said isn't the warnings i'm getting, it's the WAY they are coming across, the tone of them.

In any case things are so far so good with this guy, I have a lot more peace with him than I ever did in my last relationship - i'm cautious but I also realise that I am not really giving anything to him by simply spending time with him if I'm enjoying myself (which I am).

I'm not about to move in with him, I'm not getting financially tied in with him, I'm not spending money on him and I'm not giving him more of my time than I am prepared to give. It's a peaceful situation for the moment and long may it stay that way.

I looked up the mother of his child online, he isn't mentioned once - literally not once at any point. It isn't my problem personally and I won't be taking it on as my problem at this point either. I've got enough of my own issues and i'm not planning on marrying him tomorrow, or potentially ever for that matter.

We're all a work in progress, but since my last relationship I have done plenty of therapy, plenty of self reflection and I recognise red flags when I see them, but I also recognise that a lot of people have baggage and that you can easily discount good people because you're being way too cautious. I personally think he deserves a chance and so far the way he's behaved with me hasn't given me a reason to consider otherwise.

Someone said he might be a cocklodger in waiting - maybe, but generally you soon find out (I have my ex for reference on these things as he was definitely a cocklodger!!). I'd be worthy of being spoken down to if I cared about tying my life up with someone, but you get to the point in your life where you're ok on your own, like your life and like a bit of male companionship and are not trying to push a relationship forward to the white picket fence and engagement ring places.... I think that's all a load of horseshit if i'm honest at this point. I'm not bothered if that isn't my journey.

As for getting pregnant - i'm 40. I'm happy to roll the dice on it personally, I have a good enough income and a good enough support system to deal with it should it happen.

Good luck OP, I fear you're going to need it!

I know but like why would you say that???

This is what gets me about mumsnet...

I'm the one who doesn't need it, it's the ones who are married with two DCs and a house that need it. This place is just the worst for judgemental behaviour amongst women, it really is kinda appalling.

There's warning someone in a supportive way, and then there's mumsnet. The crowd and pitchfork bunch. The very same people saying "I was on my husbands ipad and found out he was having an affair, we were just about to go to John Lewis and buy some new cotton sheets for our guest room and instead my life has fallen apart".

Trust me, the only time a guy can cause shit in your life is when you start giving your resources, and i'm not the one doing that. Look yonder.

You say you have reservations people have given their sensible opinions and you seem defensive in some of your responses.
Read over what you have told us , i think there are lots of reasons to have reservations about this man and you should be very careful.

I know but like why would you say that???

@roses321

Why do you think the PP said that? Did you read all the previous responses? 🤦🏼‍♀️

Unfortunately I did read all the responses most of which were incredibly patronising.

I am happy with this guy, he is great, I have no reason to think he is a liar at this point but I've also got no reason to unquestioningly believe him (I don't).

My last relationship was abusive, trauma bonded and it took me 18 months to stop crying over. I still haven't been able to get rid of my ex fully because we co-own a house which we're currently in legal matters over - that makes me a bit of a poor prospect relationship wise I suppose so if you asked a mens forum they'd say the same about me as you lot are saying about him.

I suppose what I haven't conveyed is that I am not starry eyed and limerant, I'm just having a nice time with this guy and if he starts shitting on my life then I have no problems just putting him in the bin, I think that going through something awfully traumatic and heartbreaking puts you in that space where you are just completely jaded af about men. You have your own life, your own things, your own career and you are absolutely ballsed if your'e going to give any of that up to "try again" with someone new becuase been there, done that and got the tshirt.

If in 2 years he's still being awesome then great, maybe i'll marry him if he asks me, but if he starts putting pressure on, or if i find out things about him that are problems or if he starts attempting to persuade me the sky is green then nope. I'm absolutely not in the mind to be swayed by another knob on these things. I think the assumption here is that I am. I am not.

I get the warnings i've received, I do however feel that things are not always clear cut in life. I judge someone on their behaviour consistently over time (now I do anyway, if I had taken that approach previously I'd have binned my ex after 3 months but I digress). His behaviour has been good, he's not aggressive, he's not pushy and he's not trying to monopolise my time or find an "in" into what i've got - if he does - bin.

People asked why this serious stuff is coming up so soon, some of that is my fault because I met him all the way back in April when I was absolutely not ready to date anyone and did nothing but harp on about my ex, it set the precedent i suppose. I didn't see him for several months after that and by the time I did I was in a much better place - we both have baggage, we've both talked about it and i'd rather it happened early than later.

Anyway, if it all goes to shit i'll remember what was said here - i'm aware. Highly aware. Having said that - i'm not giving the guy anything and he's not asking for anything so I do not see it as a particular issue. I'd come to terms with buying my own house and spending my days single before I met him, and if I have to go back to that plan then that's cool - it's not going to be a problem.

I'm single, I'm not that desperate that I'd end up with a guy like you have, I'm much more choosy as I deserve better than that. Again, good luck

case in point.

🙄

This thread has been dormant for almost a month. You came back to revive it for…what, exactly?

To tell us that your garbage heap of a DP is great? To complain about the responses you received in September? What have you come back for? What do you want to happen here?

I do not want to see our country filled up with people who contribute nothing and leach off the system, but people like that will exist who come into it, and who were born into it. Race doesn't come into it. On that, he and I agree

This is my favourite bit of this whole batshit thread. The South African deadbeat dad in the UK on £30k complaining about immigrants who contribute nothing and 'leach off the system'.

@roses321

'Trust me, the only time a guy can cause shit in your life is when you start giving your resources, and I'm not the one doing that'

This is simply not true. I had no ' resources' when I got involved with my ex I had even less when that ended badly and with 2 kids. Men can cause shit in a whole ton of ways. Just be very cautious and mindful that you do not believe what you are told I was labelled the 'crazy -ex' too, it's an age-old trope used when men try to control women. I'm older now and a lot wiser. Go slow.

Some questions to ask him: he is not sure the child is his-why he did not request paternity test? Either he doesn't care or he already knows the answer, no option is hood enough-this is an insight into your future!!!
He only had supervised contact one hour- because her family would supervise, because he had no job-what the job has to do with contact? Surely the mother of baby would not limit contact with the father because he has no job, something else happened, dig. Her family supervised, why he did not go to court and just accepted crumbs? Ask him that! Massive red flag!!! Stop going after everybody who answered you honestly, if you don't want a perspective from outside go on and keep on living in lalaland! I won t even start with the right wing activist!

You see the red flags, as many do. But then they ask on here what to do about them. A red flag is an indication that you need to end things, that's the definition of a red flag. But what you and all others who find they don't have the strength when it comes to it do, is look on here for permission to do a work-around on the flags. People start by wanting the flag confirmed by general consensus, then when it is, the next thought is, how many flags are reasonable to collect before acting, and are some more red than others? Anything to avoid acting.
It's no surprise that people who do nothing about red flags are often coming from a past with someone so full of atrocious behaviour, that in comparison who you have now seems a lot less bad.

You're ex was a raging misogynist, he set the level, so this guy who you see as less of a misogynist seems not so bad.
I wish for you a man who sees you as equal, for that you have to believe you are equal too. It's hard not to let the devaluing some men do get to you in some way, that is their MO - to have you believing you are less than - its why people stay.
Based on your description, it would be an instant no from me. I'd think that all the 'nice stuff ' he does comes from a place of ' I'm old fashioned, treat her like a lady, open doors, do the man work, so she will be the woman and know her place and give me adulation in return". I'm sure he seems lovely, but know the things he does is to protect the 'little woman' so he's the big man. But if that's what you want in a man, go for it. At some point, these types want payback for all the good stuff they did at the start. It can be an expectation to always agree with his opinion, or it can be putting up with his moods. It can take months for this to occur, they wait till they think they've hooked you. That's when you realise you've ignored the flags that were always there. That's when you realise you've been lovebombed, which is why they seem so great at the start.
Just beware is all, hold something of yourself back, be prepared to get out when you need to.

I wouldn't have a problem with the situation around his daughter. He has tried to be involved and contributes to her care. It reflects well on him that he looks after his mother. As an international far from home, I can understand why a tinder date could become a friendship. If he works hard, I don't know that you can criticise his salary.

However the conspiracy theories would do it for me.