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Original poster

would you consider this a manipulation?

160 replies

nuitmiel · 15/09/2024 00:36

My dp owns a house no mortgage, I inherited a place no mortgage. We live between our homes due to work arrangements. 10 years together not married. 16 years age gap (mid 40s early 60s). He has two adult dc, I am childfree. We were both previously married. I left my ex to be with him on a promise of a child together and a family I always wanted. He was post poning for so long I missed my opportunity to be a Mum. Now my dp came up with an idea of a home abroad with a business of a B&B attached. I told him he has so much money he can buy mortgage free abroad and yes we can run it together. He wants me to invest with him but I would have to sell my place which I do not want to do. We are not married and if something happened to him I would be left in a foreign country with a b&b business and his children on the doorstep wanting to sell it. I proposed he goes ahead with the plan but he can employ me as part of the b&b business and if something happens I continue working for his dc or his dc sell the business and I will live my life elsewhere. I do not want anything from him just to protect my assets. He says no. I consulted a solicitor who said it is a manipulation to ensure I have nothing of my own and he can control me. Even with will everything can be changed with me not being aware. It is not the first time that dp is trying to insist I put all my money into something with him knowing I will not benefit. I challenged him many times on not having a child together and not being married which leaves me vunerable considering age gap and each time he tries to bully me into submission saying I am being difficult and not wanting anything together and that I am affecting this relationship. Solicitor is absolutely adamant the pressure I am under is a red flag. Interested in your views on this.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2024 00:41

My view is that I struggle to understand why you are still with this man. He is clearly trying to manipulate you, and if you fall for it, you'd be fucked.

You've already sacrificed enough for him, don't you agree? Listen to your solicitor and get rid.

Zapx · 15/09/2024 00:42

What does his will say? E.g. if you did this would he be prepared to protect your asset in his will (so that it would be yours and his children wouldn’t have a claim to it?)

You sound wise for being very careful here.

Messen · 15/09/2024 00:43

Is this real? I mean, you need to run for the hills. Keep your lovely house and your youth. What a cheek to think you’d throw your lot in with him as he slides toward old age and needing care, whilst at the same time asking you to give him money for a business. Goodbye you cheeky old chancer.

Sanguinello · 15/09/2024 00:49

I don't think I could get past him lying about having a child with you if you left to be with him. You are right to keep your home.

ktab80 · 15/09/2024 00:51

Run and run fast.

Also- if you want children looking into fostering/adoption. Appreciate it might not “be the same” but we adopted our 6 and 4 year old daughters last year and we couldn’t imagine life without them. I looked into it when I was a single parent as well and would have done it alone if I didn’t meet my now second husband.

happinessischocolate · 15/09/2024 00:52

Yes it's manipulative and he's a manipulator, and not just over this

I'd leave him to it.

Your still young whilst he's heading into old age, with you lined up to work and care for him .

neilyoungismyhero · 15/09/2024 00:52

So you are still with this monster who promised you a child and marriage and has led you a merry dance until you are probably too late to have a child and he's clearly not interested in marriage. It sounds as if all he's interested in is your money and you at least have been wise on that front thankfully. Ditch him and find the life you deserve with someone who will value you. You have your house with no mortgage so you aren't too stressed financially, is it really too late to have a baby on your own? We only have one life please don't waste it.

TwistedWonder · 15/09/2024 00:54

Yes he’s a controlling manipulator who has already lied to you about having a child together which personally I couldn’t have got past.

Unless you want to spend your 50’s as a nurse with a purse only to have his kids inherit the lot and leave you with nothing, I’d dump the old bastard and find yourself a life of freedom. You’ve wasted enough years on this liar.

PurpleSparkledPixie · 15/09/2024 00:56

Zapx · 15/09/2024 00:42

What does his will say? E.g. if you did this would he be prepared to protect your asset in his will (so that it would be yours and his children wouldn’t have a claim to it?)

You sound wise for being very careful here.

It doesn't matter what the will says. He could change it the very next day and leave it all to the dog rescue.

I agree with the other pp, why are you still with him after he screwed your chances of being a mother? Why are you still with him after he's trying to get you to sell your home to "invest" in his business? What will it take for you to realise he isn't a good one and for you to get rid?

Grendell · 15/09/2024 01:00

He doesn't want to risk his children's inheritance on a new business he wants to start in his 60's but he is happy to risk your money.

Nope.

Original poster
nuitmiel · 15/09/2024 01:04

One thing is me finding the courage and strength to leave but on the other hand why, with so much resistance from me, he is still pressing on me selling my home so we get something together? anyone would stop after a while. anyone would get a message. I personally (at this stage in life) do not see anything in this for me. (in getting a home together) I even said that. I am not getting into an investment like that because of your dc and the fact we are not married and have not our own children. He said first we have an investment together than we can have a child. My response was it is way too transactional which makes it even more of a red flag.

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 15/09/2024 01:22

Your solicitor sounds amazing. Your partner, not so much.

Do not sell your property. Your relationship sounds very one-sided. If he wants a B&B, he can take the personal risk.

Opentooffers · 15/09/2024 01:24

If you still want a child and are willing to go it alone, either stop taking any contraception or better still go it alone with a donor. However, you could of done that years ago and seem very passive when it comes to your life.
I'm guessing that he initiated the affair, and you were ripe for it because your marriage was stale, but you hadn't done anything about it till he came along. Up to now it looks like you just coast along with anything ignoring the plans you have.
It's high time you put your foot down and make some changes.

SleepPrettyDarling · 15/09/2024 01:28

You’ve lost your child-bearing window in the last ten years, most likely, in your mid 40s, and even if you were to fall pregnant tomorrow, your relationship is in doubt due to his ambitions. Do not risk anything more.

researchers3 · 15/09/2024 01:30

Stop listening to your partner op and listen to your gut. (And your solicitor)

He's a greedy, selfish, soon to be old man.

Sounds like he has a strong grip on you. Why?

He's taken your fertile years from you, tell him to do one.

suburberphobe · 15/09/2024 01:33

Now my dp came up with an idea of a home abroad with a business of a B&B attached.

And probably expecting you to finance it? I hope you laughed him right out of the room.

Protect your assets OP. He won't. You'll be homeless and destitute in a foreign country while his kids turf you out of your home claiming their inheritance.

You're smarter than that.

Oh, and dump him while you're at it because he doesn't truly love you.

Have you even checked on Brexit rules yet about living in EU (I presume).

suburberphobe · 15/09/2024 01:36

I left my ex to be with him on a promise of a child together and a family I always wanted. He was post poning for so long I missed my opportunity to be a Mum.

This is horrendous. So sorry you went through this but show him in his true light.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2024 01:37

Why are you still sitting around listening to his bullshit and lies? He saw you coming, op. FFS, prove him wrong and dump him.

Original poster
nuitmiel · 15/09/2024 01:46

He keeps saying I am not wise with money because I don't invest, he questions me regularly on my divorce settlement money as why I am not investing it in something I constantly repeat myself that it is my pension. Money is like a obsession and a trigger of any convo or conflict.

OP posts:
ktab80 · 15/09/2024 01:50

nuitmiel · 15/09/2024 01:46

He keeps saying I am not wise with money because I don't invest, he questions me regularly on my divorce settlement money as why I am not investing it in something I constantly repeat myself that it is my pension. Money is like a obsession and a trigger of any convo or conflict.

Can you honestly not see the glowing red flags? Because they are like a beacon.

FerreroFan · 15/09/2024 01:55

He sounds awful! His advice is utterly bonkers. You are in a position many would envy - your own home, no mortgage and some additional income you are saving for your pension. You are a smart woman tied to someone who is deliberately trying to bring you down. His aim seems to be to ruin you to benefit himself.

Get yourself out of this situation. If you want a child, you seem financially stable enough and loving enough to adopt/ foster a child and give them a wonderful home by yourself.

Ger1atricMillennial · 15/09/2024 01:57

Keep your assets/investments seperate This is not someone who has YOUR best interests at heart only his own.

Sinisterdexter · 15/09/2024 02:05

If you invested in France and your dp died you would have to give his dc half of everything.
And it would take ages.
Our ndn died in January and the notaire still hasn’t finished the legal bits.

ClickClickety · 15/09/2024 03:47

Do you even want to move abroad? And work for him? Scrubbing baths and changing bedding every few days? Sounds horrendous to me.

It’s not too late for motherhood. I would end the relationship and explore options for becoming a mother on my own. You aren’t married and have your own place so you can tell him it’s over and change the locks then block him. Read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad To Stay.

Daleksatemyshed · 15/09/2024 07:59

He lied to you, you're not married, you have no DC, now he's obsessed with getting his hands on your money_ how much does he have to lie and try to cheat you before you leave? I don't believe for a second this b&,b abroad would be in your interest, it's just a way to take your money. Please wake up and leave him while you can