would you consider this a manipulation?

[nuitmiel]

My dp owns a house no mortgage, I inherited a place no mortgage. We live between our homes due to work arrangements. 10 years together not married. 16 years age gap (mid 40s early 60s). He has two adult dc, I am childfree. We were both previously married. I left my ex to be with him on a promise of a child together and a family I always wanted. He was post poning for so long I missed my opportunity to be a Mum. Now my dp came up with an idea of a home abroad with a business of a B&B attached. I told him he has so much money he can buy mortgage free abroad and yes we can run it together. He wants me to invest with him but I would have to sell my place which I do not want to do. We are not married and if something happened to him I would be left in a foreign country with a b&b business and his children on the doorstep wanting to sell it. I proposed he goes ahead with the plan but he can employ me as part of the b&b business and if something happens I continue working for his dc or his dc sell the business and I will live my life elsewhere. I do not want anything from him just to protect my assets. He says no. I consulted a solicitor who said it is a manipulation to ensure I have nothing of my own and he can control me. Even with will everything can be changed with me not being aware. It is not the first time that dp is trying to insist I put all my money into something with him knowing I will not benefit. I challenged him many times on not having a child together and not being married which leaves me vunerable considering age gap and each time he tries to bully me into submission saying I am being difficult and not wanting anything together and that I am affecting this relationship. Solicitor is absolutely adamant the pressure I am under is a red flag. Interested in your views on this.

This thread crushed me. The weight of it all. The realisation through all the posters views. Part of me regrets I started it here, part of me knows time to face the reality and roll up the sleeves. This is so so hard when you realise the sunk cost fallacy. I can't believe it was all so callculated.

To give you some perspective OP, my DP also wanted to move abroad to pursue his career and wanted me to go with him. He was a high earner with savings. I was a low earner but with secure accommodation (council flat in a lovely village). He knew that I'd be in a very precarious position if I agreed. So he reasearched and took decisions to ensure I was protected. Eg he put the house in my name despite me not paying a penny towards it and we got married so other assets would come to me.

Your DP isn't interested in bringing you along, he's after your assets.

OP I am sure it is crushing. But not as crushing as life would be running his B&B with all your assets gone.

No more time to waste OP. Start planning the rest of your life. Firstly decide on accommodation. Speak to your mum. Will she share her larger place with you? If so, give the tenants notice. If not, will she sell hers and move into something smaller so you can get yours back?

I would set a date whereby you will move out whatever. Even if you have to put stuff in storage and sleep on your own sofa for a bit until you and mum sort things out.

I honestly feel quite excited for you that you can leave this all behind. You are younger than me and were heading to such a dull life I could not imagine! And now you have a future where anything could happen. Grab it OP! You will be ok.

I can imagine your horrified realisation, but stop looking back.

Make yourself look and move forwards. You are still young enough to have a child - even via a sperm donor if needs be.

You can't Unknow what you now Know. He's a piece of shit which you need to scrape off your shoe now and walk away.

Don't listen to any bullshit from him. Don't let him use you for a moment more.

You are lucky you realized this now and not 10, 15, 20 years down the line. You still have time and energy to live your best life free of his bullshit.

Also, please, please have some therapy. He really messed up your head, OP.

I'm not surprised you feel like this. Sometimes posters (me included) can be a bit harsh but it can be difficult to get over the importance of something whilst trying to be kind.

This man is not good for you. This man will NEVER be good for you. He can promise you the world but it will never happen. Why are we so certain of that? Because of what you have written of your past. In the big things, the important things, he has let you down. We are also aware of certain patterns based on joint experiences and yours is following that pattern.

I am so, so sorry. It is time for you to look after yourself and put your needs first. The most important need is to ensure you are financially secure in your old age without relying on anyone's business, kindness or wills that can be changed. To ensure that your money is not tied up in a foreign country that you have no idea of regarding taxes or family inheritances. Rely only on yourself, anything extra is a bonus.

Of course you feel crushed OP. You’ve spent years being controlled and manipulated and suddenly the blinkers have been ripped off and you’re seeing this POS for exactly what he is.

You say you own your own house. Go back there, tell him you’re going no contact and take the time and space to clear your head. Do not let him reel you back in. Walk away now and look forward not backwards. The day you leave him behind is the first day of a better life.

I'm so sorry OP, I can understand why you feel crushed. A pp has already said that we do tend to give you the unvarnished truth on here, because we really want you to see what's happening.
But this is your opportunity to grab yourself a life that you want. You have options at least, somewhere to stay while you figure out what's best in the longer term for you and your mum. This is where it starts to get better x

I read all your comments multiple times. I decided I will update this thread in the future, once I am making progress. Your opinions harsh or gentle all valid and helped me realise how bad it all is. I have never been more lonely than past few years. Almost feels like I am trapped, pp said 'he has a grip on you'. When I met dp (and years before) I was in very well paid jobs and over a decade in this relationship I not only lost my well paid job but I've never managed to go back to that level. I earn nothing in comparison to what I used to earn. I wonder if it is him that crushed my confidence. I have formal qualifications, international experience, very good cv. My thoughts over last few days are around the fact that dp is very well connected and I have been asking him multiple times to help me with networking and recommendations but he always finds excuses and says there is nothing there for my type of expertise. Solicitor said dp doesnt want me to have a good job and be independent because it would make it easy for me to leave him and if I ended up working amongst men he would view it as his competition. I am actually embarassed for how stupid I am. Years before I met him I used to mingle in great circles, had friends, aquiantances but now when I said I want to meet with a friend I have not seen for 5 years dp told me he is not happy I am meeting her because she is from the group of friends I shared with my ex. I started postponing the meeting but I really want to meet with her.

You know what you need to do about meeting your friend.

You don’t need to ask permission from a partner to meet with friends.

Start going to networking events online or in person and start growing your career again. Use LinkedIn and make as many connections as you can.

OP -you’re not stupid you’ve been groomed by a toxic manipulator.

Google the boiled frog analogy. That’s how manipulation works. Slowly and subtle change so you barely notice it and then eventually you’re stuck with seemingly no escape. But there is an escape. Go to your own house, go NC, work on you self and get your CV updated, start applying for jobs and rebuild your career. . Remember he needs you you don’t need him - slowly rebuild your life. Be kind to yourself.

We live, we learn. Kudos to you for seeing the red flags. Kudos to you for having and listening to an insightful solicitor. Kudos to you for believing in yourself.
Go make yourself proud. Your CV still stands. You still have financial assets and independence. There are plenty of resources out there aimed at supporting women to develop their financial savvy, to put you in an even stronger position. (I am reading the financial feminist and loving it.)
You’re gonna be great!!

When I finally got free of my DS dad, i was how you are right now. Feeling like the most stupid person who had ever walked the earth. Shadow of my former self, hardly any friends left at all in my life and lacking in self confidence to the point that I had agoraphobia.

You have an incredible solicitor. For them to say all this to you is gold dust. it's literally worth your weight (and mine for good measure) in gold. LISTEN TO THEM! Pay attention and take the decisions you know you need to make.

Do you feel strong enough to make these decisions? of course you don't! But you know that you have to make them for your own good.

Sometimes we have to take the hard decisions and process that decision afterwards. Make your move now and then process the whys and wherefores - remember that we are ALL here for you and can help you find your way back to you.

Oh God you are like fairies that fly around me the lost girl I am. I actually imagined the group of you in reality how many experienced women different age would cheer me. The confusing bit (and the boiling frog analogy from pp is very accurate) is that dp is nice, can be lovely, charming etc but also can be very mean behind closed doors and that can be crushing. I kind of doubt myself all the time that maybe it is me that is the problem. Maybe I am not doing enough, being enough. To the outisde world we look like a well off couple. If you saw me walking down the street this story would not match at all. The shell of me is in tact but my heart is actually broken.

OP you really need to stop the introspection for now and ACT.

Agree with this. OP you’re in a position where you to have an option to move to your own property and live an independent life away from this millstone round you neck but you have to stop analysing and procrastinating, rip off the band aid and walk away NOW.

Every day you don’t leave this manipulative creep is another day that you’ve created starting your best life

This is in your hands OP - you know what to do, just do it!

No I absolutely wouldn't go into business with this man never mind sell my house and invest my savings. You will end up doing all the work and be completely trapped with nowhere to go. I would end this relationship.

He has slowly and surely stripped you of every last shred of confidence.
Take a look back at all the decisions that took away your job, your self-esteem, your ability to make decisions, and you will find that your partner is behind every one of them. Not always out front and obvious, but rolling eyes, or not able to help, or tutting, or Are you sure you want to do that?
Are you sure that's what you want?
Are you sure you can manage that?
And you think to yourself, oh no maybe that's too much for me, maybe I need to just stay home, not push myself, not do anything that's just for me, not do anything I want to do. Just do everything he wants me to do.
Well, you can do what you want to do. One step at a time. First step is leaving him, then your head will become clearer. Listen to your solicitor, not many are as forthright as the gem that you've found. Act on her advice. Don't ruminate on it, going round and round in your head. Act. Now.

He said first we have an investment together than we can have a child.

At this point I would definitely have told him to fuck off.

DO NOT SELL YOUR PROPERTY under any conditions or pressure from either him or anyone else.

@nuitmiel Please listen to this. You're wasting time trying to understand him, wondering why you've let him rob you of your confidence, and generally feeling sad. I don't want to be harsh but the only thing that will do you any good is getting off your backside, dumping this horrible man and starting a new life.

He can buy the B&B. If it's France it's not that easy to move to after Brexit. You might not both get visas.
Then you keep your own home.
That gives you security, ask him where your security would be ?
In France the children automatically inherit I think?
I'd leave personally.

You are looking at all this from the point of view that you are the one who hasn't done enough or been enough and if you could only change something about yourself, then everything would be all right.

Please don't do that any more. You are fine just as you are. Believe in yourself.

He is not nice to you, and he certainly does not view you (or, I suspect, any woman) as his equal. In his eyes, you are a subordinate and you are there to facilitate his life. As far as he is concerned, you haven't been subordinate enough.

He has broken your heart, and it won't heal if you stay with him.

Listen to your solicitor.

This man has already stolen your chance to be a mum, don't let him steal your money as well.

Firstly I think you putting the financial settlement from your divorce into your pension is a VERY wise decision and the only reason he is quizzing you on it is because he wants to get his hands on it.

secondly DO NOT sell or even mortgage your home. You will end up living with him, he will have full control and I am sure he will also own more of the property abroad as well. You will be completely under his control. He’s already taken so much from you. Please don’t let him take anything else.

Oh and the charming loving wonderful side is all part of the abusive manipulator that he is. It’s part of the cycle of abuse.