would you consider this a manipulation?

[nuitmiel]

My dp owns a house no mortgage, I inherited a place no mortgage. We live between our homes due to work arrangements. 10 years together not married. 16 years age gap (mid 40s early 60s). He has two adult dc, I am childfree. We were both previously married. I left my ex to be with him on a promise of a child together and a family I always wanted. He was post poning for so long I missed my opportunity to be a Mum. Now my dp came up with an idea of a home abroad with a business of a B&B attached. I told him he has so much money he can buy mortgage free abroad and yes we can run it together. He wants me to invest with him but I would have to sell my place which I do not want to do. We are not married and if something happened to him I would be left in a foreign country with a b&b business and his children on the doorstep wanting to sell it. I proposed he goes ahead with the plan but he can employ me as part of the b&b business and if something happens I continue working for his dc or his dc sell the business and I will live my life elsewhere. I do not want anything from him just to protect my assets. He says no. I consulted a solicitor who said it is a manipulation to ensure I have nothing of my own and he can control me. Even with will everything can be changed with me not being aware. It is not the first time that dp is trying to insist I put all my money into something with him knowing I will not benefit. I challenged him many times on not having a child together and not being married which leaves me vunerable considering age gap and each time he tries to bully me into submission saying I am being difficult and not wanting anything together and that I am affecting this relationship. Solicitor is absolutely adamant the pressure I am under is a red flag. Interested in your views on this.

OP, first of all - I know it hurts and you want to know why he does not love you as he should, but, in reality, it doesn't matter. You should simply accept he doesn't love you, he doesn't want children with you, and he likes his rude and shitty kids simply because he does. You should leave and not bother yourself with these questions.

But I also know this is easier said than done. So I will try to explain as I see it...He doesn't want a "young family". You are there to make his life easier, to support him in his old age, he doesn't want crying babies and you being busy with them. He wants your time dedicated to him 100%. You are not his equal partner and future mother of his kids; he already done kids rearing and now he wants nice and easy life. You are there to serve him and to help him financially; in his mind, this is what you are for. He already has enough children, he doesn't need any more. These kids are real, grown up and his; he done all the hard bits and he is happy with what he ended up with. He also probs feels guilty or whatever so trying to make sure he support them; or maybe he genuinely loves them. Who knows.

In any case, you should not worry about any of this as I hope you have already packed and told Mr Saggy Balls you are leaving.

I'm so sorry you've been treated like this for so long. I agree with PPs, stop trying to analyse him or ponder how he should behave. You can't turn him into a nice loving partner. Concentrate on saving yourself and getting away from this horrible man while you still have a life to live.

Sadly he doesn't love you in any meaningful way, he's been using and controlling you, planned to do an even worse number on you and thankfully your solicitor finally managed to make you start to see what was happening.

OP - honestly as hard as this is please stop trying to analyse him because you’ll never understand his his mind works because you’re not a vile manipulator.

Hes strung you along with future faking and empty promises for a decade so he can have a nurse with a purse in his dotage and then the whole lot goes to his hideous offspring and you’re left destitute. He doesn’t love you in the way you deserve because he’s not capable of it

He is a horrible human being OP - you’re only in your 40’s. You have so much life left to enjoy please don’t waste it in this POS

You cannot understand him or his children because you are not like them.

What does your life look like without them? Start working on that, because this man sees you as his servant, nothing more. A servant he doesn’t need to pay even.

I think you can plan a better life for yourself than that.

yes you are all correct. I struggle with focusing on 'me' and prioritising myself and actually planning that life that I want. At the moment there is a lot of fear around being alone (single) - though not trying to show off but I get interest from men and sometimes I wonder how it would be with somenone new. Is that bad? Someone childless mid 40s/ early 50s or even mid 50s, funny, kind, compatible. I am not good with making a plan and sticking to it. I get distracted and tbh I am very tired of it all which doesnt help. Pp rightly said I am a passenger.

Firstly a 60 year old man does not want fo be knee deep in nappies
what he does want is to tie you too him so that when his cock stops working, he pee’s the bed at night an needs you to wipe his arse you are still there.

basically he wants to trap you. more fool you if you stay.

Please don't do this, he sounds awful, manipulative and controlling. He's led you on with unfulfilled promises and let you down. Why are you still with him?

OP - having some time single after this shit relationship is vital I think. Go back to your own house, take time to cheat your head and then slowly start sipping your toe back into the world and creating the life that YOU want.

It will take time to heal from the manipulation so don’t rush into another relationship but there is a better life for you out there.

on one hand stratigicaly to tie a woman it would be best to have a child with her 5 or 8 years ago. Now the child be school age, no nappies anymore. Even better if we got married but then of course if you are manipulative you will not want to get married because when you die (and there si such big age gap) the wife will get more than the children. It all makes me realise how manipulative it all has been. I am a textbook stupid woman.

@nuitmiel I think you need to stop analysing all this and accept that if you want any kind of life for yourself, you need to leave. More than anything, because you are unhappy and because you dont feel loved.

It may be difficult to actually leave and to adjust initially to being single, but, believe me, you will feel so much better down the line, and you will wonder why you haven't left earlier.

THIS!
What does it matter what a 60 year old should be like as a partner? YOUR partner is a deceptive, manipulative shit with rude, disgusting children.
Leave, go home, clean your own place, work the jobs you want, get your own friends over, live your own life, not someone else's.
And you are not stupid. It's so much easier for strangers to see what's going on than you, inside the fog your partner is creating around you.
You need to get out of it and see clearly.

Don't you resent him for denying you the chance of having a family, I'd have dumped him on my 40 th birthday with no sign of a family if that was me.

OP you have to get out now!! Now. He has strung you along with future faking for 10 years.

Sorry to be so blunt, but If he was to have a stroke tomorrow you’d feel honour bound to take care of him and will then loose another 10+ years.

You do not need permission or a ‘reason’, the only person who can change your life is you. Stop ruminating.

I can't see a single reason why a man in his 60s would want a young family. Neither why would that even be a good idea. He would be in his 80s by the time a potential child matured to adulthood. If he was lucky to still be alive!
Children are extremely demanding mentally, physically and financially.
I think you created a fantasy in your head about what your life with an older man would be like, probably hoping he would cherish you and be delighted at the prospect of young family with younger woman. But that's just that- a fantasy.

Even the fact you don't like his children to the point of avoiding social gatherings with them. They might be adults but they are his children. How can you be with someone when you don't get on with most important people in his life and how can he be with you? There is just so many red flags and you're both highly mismatched as a couple.

You're incompatible and he's a manipulative, selfish liar. Don't waste anymore of your life.

Such a sad story.
Your solicitor can clearly see you are with utter abusive scum.

You need to pack your bags and leave.
If you don't you will end up as free carer to this man.
Why are you his skivvy.
He has never loved or cared for you.
He just saw you as a complete mug to use.

Get out now.

Well you've certainly wasted these years with the wanker, the question is - are you going to carry on being a mug?

Sorry to be so blunt, but it's as plain as day that you are being set up and you're mithering over motives and reasons when you should be packing and leaving!

Go and find a proper life!

YES OP you are being manipulated
Time to leave and not look back

You seem to have really poor boundaries I m afraid.

God in heaven OP just dump him. Why are you tying yourself in knots trying to understand him? He is manipulative and he is a twat, that is all you need to know. You have even described him as bullying you. Your solicitor is a godsend who sounds like is going out of their way to stop you wibbling around and do something the fuck about it. You are even financially independent, why oh why oh why would you stay with him. For fuck's sake.

With respect OP, the questions you are asking here would be better suited to explore in depth with a therapist, after ending the relationship. At the moment you are doing the equivalent of pondering what colour to paint the kitchen and which new units you would like as your house burns to the ground around you. Get yourself to safety first and then explore how you ended up at this point. You deserve so much more than this. Don't delay and be backed into a corner to provide care for this man, you will waste your life doing so.

It's clearly a lie. He just wants your property for his children. The probability of you having a child at mid 40's with a 60 year old man is almost zero. He knows it. You know it. He is quite brutal to be honest to lie so blatantly.

Yes I know this must stop. Currently a bit difficult as I have my elderly Mum living at my place whilst she rents out her bigger place out. My place is more manageable for her so I do go there and stay with her a night or two to make sure she is ok but we can not live there together. We could perhaps go back to her place the two of us - me looking after her and rent my place out. There is a lot of logistics that I need to factor in. I am the only child so I did get asked few years ago whether I know how much my Mother's place could be worth. I had a shiver down my spine.

Why am I not such priority? (other than he doesn't love me)

You have the answer already.
If he wanted a partnership, he could have proposed.. but then what's his would be yours. That's not what he wants.
You are best out of there. Just move back to your house and sort things from there. You have no real ties to this man.

Why am I not such priority? (other than he doesn't love me)

You have the answer already.
If he wanted a partnership, he could have proposed.. but then what's his would be yours. That's not what he wants.
You are best out of there. Just move back to your house and sort things from there. You have no real ties to this man.