would you consider this a manipulation?

[nuitmiel]

My dp owns a house no mortgage, I inherited a place no mortgage. We live between our homes due to work arrangements. 10 years together not married. 16 years age gap (mid 40s early 60s). He has two adult dc, I am childfree. We were both previously married. I left my ex to be with him on a promise of a child together and a family I always wanted. He was post poning for so long I missed my opportunity to be a Mum. Now my dp came up with an idea of a home abroad with a business of a B&B attached. I told him he has so much money he can buy mortgage free abroad and yes we can run it together. He wants me to invest with him but I would have to sell my place which I do not want to do. We are not married and if something happened to him I would be left in a foreign country with a b&b business and his children on the doorstep wanting to sell it. I proposed he goes ahead with the plan but he can employ me as part of the b&b business and if something happens I continue working for his dc or his dc sell the business and I will live my life elsewhere. I do not want anything from him just to protect my assets. He says no. I consulted a solicitor who said it is a manipulation to ensure I have nothing of my own and he can control me. Even with will everything can be changed with me not being aware. It is not the first time that dp is trying to insist I put all my money into something with him knowing I will not benefit. I challenged him many times on not having a child together and not being married which leaves me vunerable considering age gap and each time he tries to bully me into submission saying I am being difficult and not wanting anything together and that I am affecting this relationship. Solicitor is absolutely adamant the pressure I am under is a red flag. Interested in your views on this.

Is your solicitor single? Joking, but they sound great - and absolutely right, you're being scammed.

His age is irrelevant, op. And why are you wondering what he should do?

You should be asking yourself what YOU want out of life. Are you happy? What do you see your life looking like? What do you want it to look like? Then take things from there.

It is nothing to do with being a man.
It is nothing to do with his age.

It is everything to do with a controlling, manipulative, coercive person.
You are in an abusive relationship.

RUN LIKE THE FUCKING WIND.

OP, this man does not love you, and he is not even your friend, believe me. If he loved you, he would have married you, had a child with you and would have made sure you are provided for when he's gone. If he did not love you but still cared about you, he would not be asking you to give up your financial security.

Instead, he wants to drain all your money, make sure you have no rights to any finances, and have nothing of your own - basically, fully dependent on him. He literally doesn't care what happens to you after he dies. He robbed you of your chance of having a child and says you can only have one if you give all your money to him. Listen to yourself, this old git is a predator and manipulator, why are you even with him?

You are 40, still young. Finish this nonsense and start afresh. You deserve it!

This, perfectly put. Listen to your gut and your solicitor, don't leave yourself vulnerable.

Glad you didn't fall for the "If you do what I say we'll have a child" line again.

Leave him.

Your solicitor is a true gem!
Do you have any other people in your corner to support you through separating from him - and saving your financial life?
Your "partner" truly is a monster who will bleed you dry and discard you without a backward glance. Your only value to him is to serve his needs and plans. Hard to write but blazingly true.
With warm wishes for the secure, loving future you deserve.

Are you still considering the possibility of
a child OP? If you still want one, I’d seriously look at IVF for yourself.

i know you are getting older, but still
possible at mid-40’s

if you had a kid with this man, you’d be doing everything yourself anyway.

Either way, get rid of this man.

He robbed you of your chance of having a child and says you can only have one if you give all your money to him.
True. Awful.

It might sound dramatic OP but your partner is a truly wicked human being who is only interested in himself and what he can get from you.

Please read these posts and find the strength to leave him. You have your own home and money - use these to start a better life free from this monster.

Stop trying to second-guess him, his motives, or what the average man in the street should be doing.

Never mind all that. For 10 years now, this man has been dangling the carrot of a baby in your face, but only if you sign all your money / property over to him. And because you have been understandably reluctant to do that, here you are, in your 40's and childless. He no doubt tells you that it's your fault for not doing what he said and investing with him, and then he would have given you the baby you want. There is only one word for what he is doing, and that is blackmail. And of course you are now so near the end of your fertile years it might not happen anyway.

Ask yourself what your ideal relationship looks like. It doesn't look like this one, does it? What do you want? If you stay with him, are you likely to get it?

Please leave. This man has already taken so much from you. Don't let him take what's left. You will end up destitute and dependent, with an aging partner that you will end up looking after as he gets decrepit, until he dies. Leave now. You are being abused.

@nuitmiel

it really doesn't matter, because this bloke does not have your best interest at heart.

why stay with him?

he says you're not good with money - what he really means you won't let him control it.

your solicitor has told you
posters have told you

what's it going to take???

why didn't he want to get married?
why has he put off having a baby together?

I suppose this is what you get when you destroy another woman's marriage, the twat she's happy to be apart from. What did you learn from your first marriage Possibly not a lot if this is where you're at. Take control of your life, be single or at least sort yourself out before starting to see someone else!

Wrong question. You can't control his behavior, only yours. Any man who browbeat me and started arguments about MY money would be shown the door.

I amazed and delighted with your Solicitor @nuitmiel . Normally a solicitor would not express an opinion life this, but would stick to legal advice and opinion.
This suggests to me that you're solicitor is very concerned about this person (I can't call him your partner because he's an abuser) and his proposal to take all your assets from you.
You've paid for their legal advice, now listen to them! This man IS a manipulator. If you don't leave him now I'm really scared for your future.
But if you do leave, your can try for a child, or adopt or just live life the way YOU want to.

Thank you again for all your comments. It was hard to read but necessary. I have not got many people around that I can share this with. Solicitor knows a lot about this situation. Dp is continuously using this phrase of 'true partnership' but ulitmately there is also a large income disparity between us which cancels out the 'partnership'. I am on low income he is a very high earner. I know I have to make the move, I know a lot has been taken away from me and really he is too old to be doing the b&b with. Really and truly it is perfect to do it with a childfree guy my age where we could still build truly 'our' future. I always feel I am laying pockets of dp's children for the future rather than doing it for myself. His dc are hoping I am the free carer whilst I do not even know them that well. One of pp said I will end up doing it all on my own at the b&b and it is true as I do all now. Dp does not like cleaning and looking after home so I do it for him and me. He was complaining I do not hire a cleaner but I do not want one and can not afford one. He said he will pay but I do not want a stranger in my home plus he has not had a cleaner for a decade at his place. I suggested that maybe if he is so keen on a cleaner why not pay me since I really could do with some extra money. He said no. Basically he would rather pay a stranger than me. I found it odd. I was doing an extra job for someone for a year (some extra money to add to my low income) and they did not treat me well so dp convinced me that I should ditch it and he will employ me so I will not lose out. I belived him and guess what it has been 4 months since I am missing that extra bit of my income. Once I said I am ready I can work for you he said how complicated it would be and that really he has not got much for me to do. I felt awful and now the topic is dead in a water. Another of pp said dp doesn't love me and I agree. I don't feel loved by him at all. I think I fit the lifestyle and image he wants and needs but he does not love me. He never talks about future in a 'secure way', I always feel anxious around him and my body gives out signs. I often wonder was my marriage that bad that I jumped. Could I have done more to save it? One thing I do know even today is that my ex loved me. I felt it despite difficulties we have had at the time. When I compare the two relationships today - day and night. I was my ex's number one. What a sad story.

@nuitmiel dont feel sad or beat yourself over it. Look to the future, not to the past! As I said before, you are still young, you can do whatever you want with your life. Leave this man, why drag it out? You can still meet someone, maybe even have a child - adopt or maybe even have your own. Do whatever you want with your life, you only get one. What you have now is a dead end.

Please leave this appalling man and don’t look back. He’ll make your life truly miserable if you stay. He won’t have a child with you now even if you do invest together. He’s too old.

If a child is something you really want, waste no time looking into IVF /sperm donation etc and go it alone with your divorce settlement.

Please don’t consider, even for a moment, selling your home and ‘investing’ with this arch manipulator. You have already identified the very real risks of buying abroad with him. Why put yourself in such a vulnerable position? Leave this user and don’t get strung along with any more of his future faking.

OP he is too old to have a third child and he knows it. He is at the stage of life when he is focusing on his retainment, protecting his children's inheritance and needing someone younger to look after him in 10 years. He is using you. Not only that but he's ruthlessly manipulating you for his own gain with zero regard for harm that he's causing you.

You need to stop being in a passenger's seat of your own life. You're still young and have future ahead of you. Don't waste it.

I know this thread fizzed out now and tbh whatelse can we all say! There is however one more thought and I am hoping someone may leave their opinion here about. Dp adult children have always been (by my standards) rude - to dp, to me, to others. I have been observing it for a decade now and they are not what I consider well mannered adults. Frankly it is so bad I never orchestrated any wider social events with my friends and family so that I do not need to include them as I am embarrassed. The table manners, the hygene incl. They are also very stingy people but earn well. Whenever I would have mentioned something, that yes I admit was of criticism or made a comment that something was innapropriate etc, my dp would literally yell at me all agressive and be very defensive of his dc. He was defenssive even when one of the dc was cheating on their partner in a very nasty and malicious way. Your comments made me recall many events and combined with the story about the b&b and how one pp mentioned me doing it all by myself, I realised of course the dc will have a free holiday spot there and me as a servant. My question though is - why is the dp so defensive of dc and so obsessed about protecting their inheritance but not thinking that he coudl in fact have a new young family, fresh start, happy young wife and if he played his cards right and be loving and caring he could have a beautiful loving environemnt to retire in? I know men that have dc from previous relationships and can be very brisk with them and criticise them if needed, can be very protective of their new young wives or gf and the women (despite the dc in the picture) still feel like they are the absolute number one. I know few couples like that. The men were very upfront about ensuring the partner is looked after and do not give a damn that their dc dont like it (due to inheritance) - Why am I not such priority? (other than he doesn't love me)

Seems obvious that he would like your capital to go to his DC. Listen to your solicitor who has your best interests at heart. Why would he want all the hard work of a b and b at his age? It makes no sense for you to risk your future security.

It doesnt matter how he should behave, it's not like you'll change him.
It matters how you deal with it. And by deal with it I mean leave.
You're halfway there with your own house. Go back to your own house and stay there. Never go to his again.

Without being dismissive, I wouldn't waste too much of your time trying to work out why. You'll tie yourself up in knots wondering what he's all about.

Put yourself first and keep reminding yourself that he's a selfish man looking out for himself and his precious offspring.

On a lighter note. From your description of his DC, I cannot believe anyone would want an affair with them