Stay at home mum of 1 child? Frowned upon?

[Spudulanky]

Why do other people/mums care?!

The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why??

honestly why???

Those many years where she raised children and taught them all her skills were a waste of her skills?

Wow

Maybe the SAHMs are wondering why anyone would not want to parent their own children full time?

Personally I think everyone should make the choices that are right for them and their family.

I was a SAHM until my youngest went to secondary school. Some of my friends did the same, some of them worked part time, some worked full time. I’m not aware that anyone judged anyone else.

"how on earth they are going to cope with retirement?"

By trying to stay active at least in some reduced regard.

I do love these posts where non-working Mums try and justify their position by naming all the stuff they do....housework, shopping, admin, cooking, looking after kids when they are sick etc. It makes me laugh. I do all that on top of a full time job, and it really doesn't take that long. Shopping takes about half an hour a week to place an order, cooking about half an hour in the evening. My kid has had about 5 sick days total in his school career (currently year 8). Admin probably takes about half an hour on a weekend. I really don't know what these Mums do with the rest of their time. I would be bored out of my mind if I didn't work. Just be honest - you don't work because you don't want to, not because all the kid stuff takes so much time.

It depends if you’re self funded or not. People openly told me they were jealous when I stopped working; that’s fine! I’m lucky that my dp earns just enough for us to scrape by, short term. I’d rather people were honest. I’m back at work now. We do whatever suits us when it suits us and works best for the family.

People have different circumstances, funnily enough. You wouldn’t believe the amount of admin involved in caring for a parent with dementia.

How much time does being so sneery take out of your day?

Does your life revolve around your work? Because if it does, that sounds dull. If it doesn’t, then why would you imagine that someone who is at home would live a life that only revolves around domestic chores and childcare? I work but I discuss it very little with my friends and family, there’s a million other things to talk. And when I meet my stay at home mum friends, we don’t talk about domestic chores either.

About 20 secs and I'm still getting on with my work 😀

So I have learned from this thread that I'm apparently unemployed now and not a SAHM. What is my title during the 14ish weeks of school holidays every year? Just so I can update my CV accordingly.

🙄

People judge whether you're a SAHM, part time worker or full time worker. They will also judge if you work overtime and they will judge if you rely on grandparents to help out.

I judge but my position is different - i have a partner who is a SAHD to a single child - i struggle with understanding what he does all day and how he finds it fulfilling and therefore tend to feel similarly about others in the same position. I know you emphasised doing all the housework etc but tbh with a single child that doesn't take that much time- or shouldn't. As the child gets over the work load gets less but it gets harder and harder to get back into the workplace as well.
it creates an imbalance in the relationship as well.

But @Wetherspoons we're back to the idea that if you're a SAHM to a school aged child, that you spend the time when the child is at school either doing housework, or something else equally mundane and not requiring thought or physical effort.

You have NO idea what SAHMs are going home to do. Some may well spend their days doom scrolling and cleaning. Others might be doing all sorts of other interesting and valuable things, but things which don't involve going to an office or working 9-5.

Someone with a school aged child isn’t parenting them full time.

Agree, and this is one of the reasons I don't like the "man with a big job and SAHM" model. It undermines the employees who do don't have that back up at home

i'm still call myselfm technically a SAHM, even though my kids are now 15 and 18. The older one is disabled, i am his legal Carer as well as his parent. I'm also an unofficial carer/companion for my elderly mother.

When both were in school full time that time was spent doing EVERYTHING, cleaning, prepping meals, laundry, life admin, taking mom shopping, taking her to the bank, helping her with her housework/diy, doing my shopping, my banking. taking both of us to various medical appointments (i'm also disabled)

I also used the time for respite and would have an afternoon to myself to sit and read/chill with a coffee somewhere, because the minute they were home i was back on Carer duty.

He's in college 2/3 days a week currently, so same thing, the days when he is home i'm in Carer mode, but also doing all the school runs for my other child who is also disabled (asd/adhd), so currently also helping her with GCSE homework/revision every evening.

Its really off to say 'you're not a sahm if your kids are in school' if you have zero idea what its like having disabled kids and an elderly parent to look after.

And i'd judge FAR more people like @itsgoodtobehome who post nonsense like "I would be bored out of my mind if I didn't work."

Really. Really?? You could't think of 101 ways to fill your day with all sorts of interesting things to do? How lacking in imagination, hobbies and interests must you be.

In my experience the people who are most bothered about what others think about SAHMs are SAHMs. That said, clearly you've experienced judgement. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks if it works for you.
My only advice is to be careful not to leave yourself financially vulnerable or unable to return to your previous career (assuming you had one) in the future. Things can change, relationships break down, redundancy can happen, your partner could become unwell and be unable to work anymore, and no one is immune from dying. Sorry to sound so negative, but you do need to make sure you can support yourself and your family if it comes to it.

What a catty outlook. Why does it bother you what other people call themselves? She's a mum who stays at home so, yeah, a stay at home mum. Why do you think you're owed an explanation?

You choose to work, OP for whatever reason doesn't. Not everyone is the same and your way is not better

I'm still only part time and my kids are adults, so what, my choice. The good thing is I can get all the boring stuff done whilst dp is at work

Why?
School is 9 to 3.
You are at home 9:30 to 2:30.
That is five hours to clean, cook, wash, iron, do shopping etc. If you want to spend quality time with child, take him to park etc once school is done.
Also, you have school holidays to cover.

Just for the record, I work FT, have small children. It would never occure to me that a woman who got children does not "qualify" for SAHM if children are at school. She is mother and at home. It is in the name.

I don't know who does what at my daughters school, much less judge them for it!! If someones financial situation allows them to be a SAHP and that's what they want to do then more power to them I say!

I can see the appeal, it is a pain in the arse covering sick days inset days, attending all the school events along side a job, even a part time one.

Yes, but hobbies, interests etc cost money. How are those funded if you're not working?

Well I never knew people were so angry and bitter about people choose to stay home.

A few things from previous posts...

The comments about contributing to society and paying tax. What about all of those who claim benefits whilst in work? If you work but claim more towards childcare than you pay in tax, then are you a contributer or a burden? And are you better than a sahm who claims nothing? This is the issue with ranking people based on their "contributions" to society though isn't it?

Since when have our careers been our whole personality? I have worked my entire adult life and I've never once attended a party or get together where we have spoken at length about work. It generally only comes up when meeting people surely.

The brain rot type comments! Where do I start?! I've had incredibly dull jobs in the past that haven't challenged me mentally at all. I think you'd be far better off at home reading a newspaper or listening to a good podcast.

I get this a little bit too! Thankfully not too much!

I find a lot of people when they introduce me to others they state my previous career for some reason!

No one else gets to define you, you're still a stay at home mum if your child is at school. A lot happens on the way to school and in the hours after school! I'm sure you're planning and preparing things.

I find people get particularly annoyed when they see my husband do childcare when he is available and that he does his share of the housework!

Enjoy it, after all, it's just a short chapter of your life!

I think we should all recognise that there are lots of ways to live a good life and we should respect people's choices xxx

As your child is in secondary school I think SAHM is a bit of a stretch and I would view you as unemployed.

But I wouldn't give two hoots.