Stay at home mum of 1 child? Frowned upon?

[Spudulanky]

Why do other people/mums care?!

The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why??

honestly why???

Exactly! The fact these types of posters have the cheek to call SAHPs en masse boring is just baffling.

As my mum used to say, 'boring people get bored'. There is so much to do and see in the world and I find the time I spend working detracts from my ability to do the really interesting stuff.

I don’t know anybody who would ‘frown upon’ it tbh so maybe there’s something else at play?

It may be the title ‘SAHM’ when you have school age children.

I would love to be a SAHM for the early years and can’t wait for my second maternity leave later this year so I certainly don’t judge any. Am I jealous of stay at home Mums… maybe (lightly) those who haven’t had to compromise and still get nice things, holiday's, to run a car, days out, to take their children to decent activities, time with their friends, supportive partner but not if they’re counting the pennies to do it.

It is possible to work part or full time/school hours and be there for drop off’s, pick up’s, sickness and school holidays. Granted not in every job but I know first hand that it is possible.

If somebody said to my face it wasn’t possible to work and be there for your children when I was doing both I may be a bit put out.

I suppose I'd wonder why you have no ambition? Personally my career is really important to me so I'd find it hard to understand.

I have never given it much thought. Each to their own. It not a lifestyle I would want.

They shouldn’t care. People project their feelings so much on to others, it’s definitely jealousy.

I work full time and have two young children. My partner also works full time. I’d love to stay home with them and I hope I can at least reduce my hours soon. I would never judge a stay at home mum, I strive for that myself. Also, staying at home with a child is hands down one of the hardest jobs, so you are working but in a completely different way.

Enjoy every moment, time passes so quickly and they grow so fast. I hope you are content with your choices and anyone with negative things to say is not happy in their own life.

Ambition can span all kinds of things though. You can be ambitious in your hobby or to achieve some big life goals. Tying ambition only to one's career is really strange.

And someone who works full time is not parenting full time either. School is only 9-3, childcare is outsourced somewhere.

Absolutely, I could easily fill my time with hobbies and interests and achieving within them would be more than ambitious for me, much more than climbing the corporate ladder would be. I work because I have to, I’ve a million things I’d do if I didn’t have to.

Totally agree with this.
The only thing is I don't avoid SAHMs, I even have a SAHM friend and i have a career.
I cannot understand how such an intelligent and capable woman has given up her financial independence and reduce her world to drudgery tasks and belive very naively that her situation and security will never change. Nobody knows, the risk is too high.

Being finantially independent (together with your own heath) is everything.

I’m another who agrees if your child is at school all day you’re not really a stay at home mum anymore, you’re just staying at home. I think a more appropriate term is a homemaker or I’ve seen it described as a houseperson.

I think people probably wonder what parenting you’re doing between 8.30 and 3.30 and yes they probably wish they could stay at home/do their hobbies/clean the house etc. during those hours instead of having to work.

Many families can’t survive on a single income, I’d love to stay at home and have someone else pay for everything if that was the agreement. But I’d also find it unempowering to not have my own money

Maybe I need to clarify my point. I actually have no problem with people who choose to be a SAHM. Everyone has the right to choose what they want to do. What I have an issue with is the justification about how there is soooo much to do at home. I exclude disabled children, caring for elderly parents from this. But, for the average non-disabled, non SEN child at school, there really isn't that much to do that justifies being at home 24/7. Fine if that's your choice, but don't try and justify it with a list of all the things you do that we all know really doesn't take that long. Laundry - 5 mins to gather up and put it in the machine. The machine does all the work. Hang it up - 5 more mins. I just don't get how it takes people all day and all week to achieve these things!!

You have a husband earning £££££. Or have family money. Or investments or whatever. Not every SAHM has the financially abusive partners that are the topics of threads on here. Many have spouses who share equally and are more than happy with it. I'd also argue that hobbies and interests cost money - not necessarily. There is a lot which can be done free of charge if money is tight.

Wow. Lots of snide, bitchy comments on here just going to prove your point OP! I think some people will just always lash out at anyone who does things differently to them. Possible an ingrained defense mechanism?

Not RTFT but this nonsense that you're not a SAHM if your child is at school is just that - nonsense. The PP who says they spend equal amounts of time with their child and work full time, how do you know that? Are you available for school drop offs and school pick ups? Can you immediately get your child if they become unwell at school? Can you attend the events which still happen at primary schools where parents are invited in for part of the school day to take part in a workshop or whatever with the child and can you do all this without it being high stress / a rush because you have to balance everything? If you achieve all this and still work full time, hats off to you because many, many working parents find this difficult or impossible. For context, I've done both - working full time as a parent of young child and being a SAHM so have a decent perspective on both. If you're not working because you want to be there fully for your child and provide and relaxed home environment for them both at the start and end of the school day and be available to them if needed during the school day, as well as having the available time to cook from scratch, make sure that the home environment is lovely etc etc (not saying you can't or don't do this as a working parent but it's much more tiring / stressful / difficult to find the time) you absolutely are a stay at home mum / homemaker and not just "unemployed." Working parents do a fab job. Don't reduce SAHMs to simply "unemployed" because they are able to, and choose to, do things differently from you.

This is well said.
being a parent is a full time job in itself - even if the child is in school. School days are short - and school holidays are long.

I think it encompasses more than just literally caring for the child in the hours that they're with you. Lots of mums stay at home even when they're children are in school because they want extra time to cook loads of food from scratch, do home improvements, be there when their child comes home etc etc.

Excellent post

Ouch.

Maybe they do volunteering?
Or work from home?

I've only encountered one woman in real life who has openly judged a SAHM- she said to me (now knowing that I was also a SAHM) "I don't like Jayne. She's doesn't work" and scrunched her face up in disgust. She later said to another friend that she felt she'd misjudged Jayne because it turned out she did work after all. This women was also very judgemental about other aspects of women's lives- said another mum (a hairdresser) we know obviously neglects her kids because her hair is always styled on the school run. Some people are just really judgy and look down on others due to them making different life choices. I'm sure I've been judged before about not working but no one has said anything to my face about it.

When I was growing up my mum was a single parent in a very demanding job. It always made me sad when she couldn't come to school plays, events at school, busy all weekend etc. She always said how much she would have loved to have been home with myself and my siblings but she didn't have the opportunity to do that. My dh is able to support us financially so that I can be at home. He says I can return to work or not, gives me full access to money and supports my decision to remain at home as it makes both our lives easier. He works very difficult hours which vary day to day and he can leave as early as 3am and return as late as 8pm. My being at home ensures everything runs like clockwork in our house. We both have our roles and it means that everything is covered without any stress. I also don't carry all the mental load- it is shared between us. Both my kids are school age so I don't call myself a SAHM anymore. If anyone asks me what job I do I just say I don't work.

This situation works for us now, but in the next year or so I will return to work. I've started looking now but I'm also not in a rush and will only take something that I'd enjoy but also works for the entire family (whilst the kids are young).

OP it’s pure jealousy and guilt. People will scorn and dress it up in all sorts of negative ways but it’s jealousy and guilt

ah you’ve nailed it @WhiteLily1 every woman that works is a jealous guilty mess…..

If working women "worry" about the poor SAHMs and their lack of social skills, conversation topics, or addled little brains, i'd throw that back at them and ask how on earth they are going to cope with retirement? What could they possibly have to discuss then?

excellent point @KnottedTwine. As soon as my parents retired I DID notice their world decrease even though they’re very active/ go away a lot. I think having the brain not challenged on a daily basis can make it a bit lazy. They became far more insular and discussed local topics and neighbours far more. It’s a recognised phenomenon not accounted for by age.

added to that I am not ‘worried’ by the things you state. I just don’t want to spend time with people whose primary source of fulfilment is making home as that doesn’t interest me. It obviously does others so fair dos.

I’ve been unemployed (to use the correct terminology) for nearly three days now as the kids have been sent off to preschool and I couldn’t give a flying fuck if anyone is judging me. I feel like a human again after the long summer holidays! I’ve done all the laundry, sorted out all old clothes to go to charity, washed the windows, done a healthy, toddler friendly meal plan, the house smells of bleach and clean but more importantly is that I am a better parent when I pick them up at 3 and I’m able to be fun and patient with them. DH is happy that I’m happy and he’s not coming home to stress and chaos. I can absolutely understand why some women don’t ever want to go back to work. My previous career expected blood, sweat and tears for the very average salary provided and I do not miss it at all.

I just don’t want to spend time with people whose primary source of fulfilment is making home as that doesn’t interest me. It obviously does others so fair dos.

How sneery.

I've done both as have my friends.

'Making a home' wasn't all we/ they did.
It also included keeping fit (exercising) , socialising, helping elderly friends and family, volunteering, studying ( online or in-person degrees) and more.

The day is actually very short if a child is at school for 6 hours.

If you're doing a minimum of housework, meal planning, cooking and one other activity (like an OU course) the hours fly by.

Not the point but what is on your toddler friendly meal plan please? Mine is going through a ‘refusing to eat anything at all’ stage and the ideas I see online are very fancy!

See, this is where I have a problem with the 'justification'. I work full time and have a child in school. But I cook food from scratch, either me or DH are there when they get home, we do home improvements, help DC with their homework. Everyone has clean clothes.....I just don't understand this argument that you need to be at home all day to achieve this. I just wish people were more honest. E.g. I stay at home and I do a bit of washing, cleaning, shopping etc. But then I also watch Netflix, read a book, have a nap, get my nails done. I just hate this matrydom that it's all for the kids. Be honest - you don't want to work, and you sneakily watch tv in the afternoon!! It's fine - I have no problem with this. Just stop pretending it's for the kids. It's for you!!!

Are you OK? It sounds like you might need to get out more. When I was a SAHM I was the most fulfilled, outgoing, involved, happiest, 'sparky and curious' I've ever been! I was almost never at home - I was living my life without restrictions and It. Was. Glorious.

I genuinely enjoy my job but I recognise it's a restriction on my life all the same. I don't want to make it my personality.