Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stay at home mum of 1 child? Frowned upon?

487 replies

Spudulanky · 11/09/2024 09:15

Why do other people/mums care?!

The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why??

honestly why???

OP posts:
Changeiscomingthisyear · 11/09/2024 10:44

Snoken · 11/09/2024 09:58

I guess because once the child is in school you are no longer a SAHM, you are a housewife or unemployed if you are looking for work. A SAHM surely means that you look after your child full-time not just mornings, evenings, weekends like us working mums. I think most women don't want to be housewives but I could be wrong.

Classic example of judgement.

Women judge other women OP. It doesn’t matter what choices you make.

@Katielovesteatime do you work when the kids are in bed? It’s good that your work are flexible so you don’t need to pay for childcare. School is normal 32.5 hours and full time work is at least 37.5 hours a week.

Goldbar · 11/09/2024 10:44

When my DC was in reception, there were a couple of SAHMs who were very clear that this was "their" time now the kids were at school and they finally had a few hours to themselves in the middle of the day. They tended to use to to walk the dog, go to the gym, clean the house, cook dinner in advance and just take a bit of time for themselves, having had the relentlessness of small children at home for a number of years beforehand. And it's not like it was the whole day - school hours are 8.45 to 3.30 and then they're into the whole round of school pick-ups, ferrying kids to activities, supervising homework, reading, doing dinner, bath and bed. Usually by themselves with their partners home late. Weekends are spent on family days out and taking kids to activities.

Tbh, it doesn't sound like a very lazy life to me, I'd probably describe it as "leisurely" and when you add in things like sick kids, helping with school trips and being on the PTA and doing home improvements (which lots of people constantly seem to be doing), I can see how they can fill their time. I work part-time (admittedly with a toddler as well as school child) and DH and I are discussing adding in an extra nursery half-day when I'm not working to give a bit more flex to get things done.

Of the mums I can think of who were in this position, two now have jobs, one is retraining, one is doing a university course and one has had a new baby. One is still a SAHP with one child but she has significant caring responsibilities for elderly parents, I think, and even if she didn't, no one would bat an eyelid - it's not our business how other families organise themselves.

Viviennemary · 11/09/2024 10:45

Spudulanky · 11/09/2024 09:15

Why do other people/mums care?!

The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why??

honestly why???

It's a lazy cop out but I don't blame people but let's not dress it up.

Katielovesteatime · 11/09/2024 10:46

Changeiscomingthisyear · 11/09/2024 10:44

Classic example of judgement.

Women judge other women OP. It doesn’t matter what choices you make.

@Katielovesteatime do you work when the kids are in bed? It’s good that your work are flexible so you don’t need to pay for childcare. School is normal 32.5 hours and full time work is at least 37.5 hours a week.

I’m a private international school teacher and my children attend the school. Class gets our at the same time, so they come to my classroom and we do our work together (they do homework while I do marking/planning!) and then go home and enjoy our evenings!

Katielovesteatime · 11/09/2024 10:46

*out

Goldbar · 11/09/2024 10:48

SwiftiesVSLestat · 11/09/2024 10:35

Are you sure that’s why people are gossiping?

In affluent areas sahp is very common. In fact it’s quite common in a lot of areas.

I've noticed amongst wealthier friends that family life is run almost like a "business" - I.e. optimised to fit all the "right" things in. It's hard to do this with two full-time working parents because you need someone with time to "manage" family life.

Wwyd2025 · 11/09/2024 10:49

It's even worse when you have two disabled kids who need care through the day & night, and people judge you for caring for them and not working!

LeavesTrees · 11/09/2024 10:49

I’m a SAHM and I have chronic health issues. That’s a double whammy of judgement. I’ve been treated horribly by some women because of it. Mocked, called lazy, told what jobs they think I could do despite not knowing my symptoms of my long term illness etc. It’s so bad that I actually fear anyone asking me what I do because it more often than not ends up with the person saying something snidey to me.
I live in a town that’s a mix of working class people where both partners have to work, and affluent people where both partners have really high paid jobs. I don’t know any other stay at home parents which doesn’t help.

I don’t know why people judge, especially when it doesn’t effect them at all. I don’t judge what anyone does or doesn’t do for a living, as it’s nothing to do with me.

stanleypops66 · 11/09/2024 10:55

I don't think you're a SAHM if your child is at school. I work school hours (tto also) so am with my child probably the same amount of time as you. I'm not a SAHM (though I mostly work from home!). I'd say you're unemployed/ not working.

GelatoPistacchio · 11/09/2024 10:58

You might not be a SAHM any more but it's still homemaking. I don't remember my mum being sneered at when I was in school as someone not working outside the home. It was traditional to do the domestic labour in the house while the husband was at work.

It's not a life I want for myself but I don't judge others for doing what was traditional not that long ago. This judgement and presumption that you must be sat at home on your bum all day is relatively new.

TillyTrifle · 11/09/2024 10:59

Katielovesteatime · 11/09/2024 10:41

I think it’s quite amusing when people call themselves a ‘stay at home mum’ when their child is in school. Because they’re not a ‘stay at home mum’ anymore - they’re just unemployed. They’re with their child as much as I am and I work full time!

I have no problem at all with genuine stay at home mums (those whose children are not absent at school all day!) and I was one myself until my kids started school. But people who call themselves stay at home mums when their kids are in school all day do make me laugh a bit. Like they feel the need to give themselves this title just to justify not working? What are they doing all day home alone that justifies this special title? Is it some secret mum business or is it just the same stuff that everyone else fits in around a work schedule 😂😂

I work but I have to disagree with this. Non working parents for sure spend more time caring for their children than full time working parents, even once the kids start school. How many full time working parents do morning drop off at 9am, pick up at 3:15 and look after the kids for every day of the 13 weeks of school holiday plus inset days?

Once they start school there’s less time looking after them for sure but still more than full time working parents do.

stardii · 11/09/2024 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

stardii · 11/09/2024 11:01

Katielovesteatime · 11/09/2024 10:41

I think it’s quite amusing when people call themselves a ‘stay at home mum’ when their child is in school. Because they’re not a ‘stay at home mum’ anymore - they’re just unemployed. They’re with their child as much as I am and I work full time!

I have no problem at all with genuine stay at home mums (those whose children are not absent at school all day!) and I was one myself until my kids started school. But people who call themselves stay at home mums when their kids are in school all day do make me laugh a bit. Like they feel the need to give themselves this title just to justify not working? What are they doing all day home alone that justifies this special title? Is it some secret mum business or is it just the same stuff that everyone else fits in around a work schedule 😂😂

You can't work full time and collect at 3pm.

CuriousGeorge80 · 11/09/2024 11:03

stardii · 11/09/2024 11:01

You can't work full time and collect at 3pm.

Some people can.

Anyway, I always find these threads interesting as I genuinely don’t know anybody who would care in the slightest whether another parent was a SAHM / homemaker. Nobody. Who are these people making snide comments? What pricks.

Spudulanky · 11/09/2024 11:04

@Snoken and what business is it that of anyone’s ??

OP posts:
Spudulanky · 11/09/2024 11:05

@Viviennemary sounding a bit negative there

OP posts:
Spudulanky · 11/09/2024 11:07

@Threesmycrowd @3luckystars

but WHY wonder???

OP posts:
middleagedandinarage · 11/09/2024 11:09

Harvestfestivalknickers · 11/09/2024 10:04

Yes, I wouldn't describe you as a SAHM if your child is at school.

Really? She has 6/7 hours during the day to do the house, shop, fix dinner, life admin etc which means she can be there for her dc before and after school. I think this is still being a sahm?
It's jealousy because you're in a position to do this and they're not!

MummyJ36 · 11/09/2024 11:09

I suppose because between 9am-3pm you have complete alone time which is usually a luxury for most parents, even those of school age. However, it really isn’t anyone’s business.

My mum was widowed when I was very young and she didn’t work full time beyond a few cafe jobs until I was a lot older. I didn’t even question it and I think it would have done her in to try and fit in a full time job around being a single mother.

Threesmycrowd · 11/09/2024 11:13

Spudulanky · 11/09/2024 11:07

@Threesmycrowd @3luckystars

but WHY wonder???

Curiosity. Why don't you tell us what you do? It is genuinely interesting. But to be clear, before you started this thread i hadn't thought about it and i have no idea whether any of the school mums at DC school SAHM - there isn't any judgement around here (that i've seen) - maybe you're unlucky with the crowd at DC school.

Vivalavida1 · 11/09/2024 11:13

I only judge if someone doesn’t have the funds to be a stay at home parent but chooses not to return to work when child is of school age.

If they have the money to not work/partner with a good enough salary to facilitate this then I don’t see an issue. The idea that you have to work for the sake of working when you already have money is daft (own money/partners money that is - not referring to those choosing to live 100% off benefits).

I have no DC yet but if I won a sizeable sum you would simply never see me in a workplace again!

middleagedandinarage · 11/09/2024 11:17

Snoken · 11/09/2024 09:58

I guess because once the child is in school you are no longer a SAHM, you are a housewife or unemployed if you are looking for work. A SAHM surely means that you look after your child full-time not just mornings, evenings, weekends like us working mums. I think most women don't want to be housewives but I could be wrong.

I think you're right in that most woman don't want to be housewives, but i genuinely wonder why? There is such a stigma with it these days, I think there's huge satisfaction in being able to have your home all clean and organised, nice hearty homecooked meals on the table and be there for your children all the time. I agree working mums also look after their children before/after school, but how much time do we really get to concentrate on them? I get in (after they've been at after school club because I can't leave work at 2.30) sort dinner, sort washing, try to sort the house, get organised for the next day. I don't feel like I have a lot of time/brain space just to concentrate on my dc. How amazing it would be if I could do all those other things while they're at school and solely concentrate on them from 3pm. I'm a working mum, not in a position not to work but I don't know why you wouldn't want that if you could

Spudulanky · 11/09/2024 11:19

I agree, whatever you call it whether Stay at home or housewife or whatever, you are basically running the home/family life.. there for ALL the holidays and time off
sick ., people fail to mention that some work companies would not tolerate it too well if you were off for your kids etc., in my opinion, you are really lucky if you have an understanding company/boss and can manage to fit in a FT job around your family.. or are in the position to pay
for help/support..

also I agree some SAHM I’ve met are neurodivergent or artist types - it seems it’s their calling!

also some women in particular are very impacted by having kids, mental health, PND etc that they actually CANNOT cope with the demands and stress of modern day society…

I just wish women supported and respected others without judgement.. why do we judge SO much?? When it takes nothing from you or your life!!

shame.. there’s always someone better off, more money, better job, have a bit of leisure time.. but that might not be your life or reflect the choices you made..

OP posts:
Spudulanky · 11/09/2024 11:20

@middleagedandinarage

Wonderful, honest post there.. well said.. thank you!!

OP posts:
Seeline · 11/09/2024 11:21

Once my DCs started school I remained a SAHM. I didn't have much time to myself though.
My DCs school wouldn't have been able to function the way it did without the time SAHMs gave. I volunteered regularly listening to other people's children read, giving sewing sessions, providing cookery sessions, accompanying local trips (the little walks to the library, shops, church woods etc), taking groups of children to swimming lessons on the bus etc. I went in to help with refreshments for concerts etc. I gave lifts to children attending out of school/after school events for sport or music when their parents were still at work.
It was usually the SAHMs who volunteered to help out with cubs and brownies etc - the extra outings or the special meetings.

Swipe left for the next trending thread