Stay at home mum of 1 child? Frowned upon?

[Spudulanky]

Why do other people/mums care?!

The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why??

honestly why???

Yes, I wondered this too. It simply isn’t possible. Unless you are a teacher and your own child is in your class, I suppose.

It is quite difficult for both parents to be in full-time work while you have children at primary school (or under 11). They come home early, lots of holidays, inset days, then sick days; plus if you need to speak to their teacher, or attend school assembly, sports days, etc
So most families, it is easier if one parent (usually the mother) is either at home, or works part-time, especially if the part time hours fit in with school hours.
I, myself, was a SAHM for a while when DC were young, then worked part-time, and then full-time when they were older.
Here I would clarify that the part-time work was NOT school related, so I had to organise childcare for holidays, half-terms, etc. The 4 weeks holiday a year each, was often shared, so that DH and I sometimes had separate holidays)
I look back on the decade when I worked part-time, as a constant headache of childcare, holiday care, etc
If you can afford to not work, when DC at secondary school, then I would be jealous, I think.

I came on to say there is no way anyone is bitching about this at school but based on some of these replies, sadly they might be! I wouldn’t give it a second thought, if you and your husband are happy with the decision then crack on doing you.

I didn't say it was. But I can express an opinion on the job description someone uses, as much as they can chose what job description to use.

SAHMs can be slobs too!

As the proportion of people in society that choose to say child free grows, then it won't just be people with SAHPs that you feel like this about but also those without children at all. They will be the ones with the competitive advantage of flexibility and additional capacity. Many people often cite this as a reason why they have chosen not to have kids as they want to prioritise their careers so it seems unfair to suggest that they shouldn't be able to capitalise on this because you chose to have kids and are restricted by this.

Same goes with SAHPs. You or your DP could choose to be a SAHP so that one of you gains a competitive advantage in the workplace. Instead you have opted for two incomes but then you are both constrained by your choice to have children. You then blame SAHPs for their choices without taking any responsibility for your own.

Why not? She hasn’t changed as a person, why would she have made a different choice now? She made the choice to be home for us. I appreciate it with every part of me. Like @Rhdlj said, she made choices that, in her mind, put her children first. Her values haven’t changed, why should she have decided not to now? She still supports working and non-working parents as she did then. She had best friends who went back to work, our neighbour she was close to went back to work, she stayed home. It was a choice. And she still remained an amazing woman with lots of interesting aspects to her.

I agree with the posts saying you're not a SAHM if you're not actually caring for a kid during the day. You're unemployed.

It would make more (short term) financial sense for me not to work as the cost of childcare is killing us, but I know if I was out of the workforce for 5+ years I'd struggle to get back to where I was pre babies. I have a good job that I worked hard to get to, so why throw that away? I work part time to balance being with my kids and keeping my career alive.

If I met a SAHM with kids at school, I wouldn't want to be mates, as I'd probably think we wouldn't have much in common and your life and choices sound boring to me.

It's fine as a personal choice, but that's many years when her skills weren't being used to their full benefit, so it's not something you would want every mother of primary school age kids with her background to be doing.

I'm not suggesting that both parents of primary school children should work FT as a matter of course, but it is good for society if parents can use their skills PT once their kids are at school.

I’m child free and single (both my choice), so don’t fully understand all the ins and outs of the working/SAHM debate (appreciate it’s complicated and nuanced, though), but I’ve definitely noticed that women can’t really win, whatever they do!
We all might as well do what makes sense to us, ask for advice/opinions if needed but ignore the judgement of people who have no real insight into our lives and whose opinions we didn’t ask for.

Because it would be less common now then when she was young if she was (for example) now in her 60s or 70s.

We're all a product of the time we live in - I'd be a different person if I'd been born 20 years later, or whatever.

It was a question not an attack on her.

And it’s great for society if parents spend time with their children teaching them certain skills. Or they could volunteer if they so feel the urge to contribute to the rest of society.

Parents don’t have to work if they don’t need to. It’s concerning that people think you MUST work.

Maybe, but equally lots of women (and some men) don’t work now if they don’t have to. It’s not that weird. Were being forced into a corner where in many cases both parents do feel they have to work, but for those who don’t have to, many don’t, and nor should they feel they have to.

There’s more to life and more to contributing to society than going to work.

There are lots of reasons people will care/gossip

1. Because they are nosey busy bodies and bringing down other women make their sad lives more interesting
2. Concerns for your vulnerability (eg. pension, future work options should you want to go back, what happens if you seperate/divorce)
3. Concerns partner might be controlling/abusive. Abuse usually ramps up with children and not working especially when kids are at school could be a result of abuse and being forced to stay at home isolated
4. Jealousy
5. Intrigue. Wondering what you do all day when the kids aren't there
6. Curiosity as to how you can afford to only have 1 of you working

I am a SAHM of one child … and it gets worse.. child goes to NURSERY 😂 obviously I’m a total dosser. Nothing but a drain on society!!!

I don’t know why people care. Maybe because it’s not a choice everyone has to the same degree. Which I think it should be. Raising a small human is a very important job, especially when the birth rate of small humans is declining and the population is ageing. But thanks to capitalism, it has no value. I think it will have value when there are no employees to employ, and when there’s no customers to buy products, and not enough people to pay the tax required for governments to function…. Maybe then being a parent will be seen as a more important job.

I was a SAHM for years. I took part time work as the eldest was already in primary school when I gave up fulltime work, because frankly we needed me to be earning something, and jobs that fit in with school hours and holidays are bloody hard to find. I waitressed, did a masters degree, had eight children's books published, while being responsible for all childcare and housework, and still people sneered at me. But as PP have pointed out, I could have been secretary general of the UN, and then I wouldn't have been spending enough time with my child. No one ever commented on how my husband ran his life as a father. People have always got something to say about mothers, ALWAYS! It's time we told them all to fuck off and mind their own business. How people organise their home lives is nothing to do with anyone else.

Uh why? Most schools finish around 3.30pm most jobs don't. I have been a SAHM the whole time mine have been in education and it has been invaluable in being able to support them.

It's also disconcerting how people are desperate to band around the 'unemployed' label.

I think we all know that if someone described themselves as unemployed then it conjures a very different image than a SAHM. This is because the definition states that it must besomeone that is actively seeking work or is at least available for work. We would never describe a billionaire swanning around enjoying themselves as 'unemployed' even if they weren't in paid employment at that time. We also don't describe those who are actively taking a break from work to travel the world or to pursue a passion project as 'unemployed'. Posters are deliberately using the inaccurate term 'unemployed' for SAHMs as they believe it to be an insult.

Because being judgemental is a hobby for some people, they enjoy being angry/righteous. an easy target is people who are unemployed and SAHM fall into this category.

I am on mat leave from my job but I’d love to be a SAHM for a few years, I probably will if I can figure out how to do it without crippling my career. What other people think of that is none of my business!

Don’t offer personal stuff up for validation on sites like this op. People are not here to help they’re just enjoying the judgement.

You think it’s a cop out to be there for your child before school and after school every day? To take and collect and have your child see your face when they come running out, rather than have someone else do it? To be there for sick days. To be there for every assembly and sports day. To take their (sometimes) multiple children to after school activities most days and then to be there to put them to bed every night?
Im happy for you if your work is so flexible that you can do all that but most people’s isn’t.- far from it.

OP it’s pure jealousy and guilt. People will scorn and dress it up in all sorts of negative ways but it’s jealousy and guilt.

Sounds like jealousy to me, they are probably salty things don't go that way for them, while they probably would like them to. Ignore them, those who are happy with their own lives aren't trying to find happiness in discussing others' lives.

If being a stay at home mum/housewife works for your family and you’re happy with it then who cares.

Facebook- "full time mummy"

What would offend me most if I had the misfortune to know people in real life who thought like this is the idea that mums (or any people) who don't work and are at home most of the time have nothing to talk about, apart from fabric conditioner and airfryers.

It depends how you define your worth and purpose, the whole work to live, or live to work. If working women "worry" about the poor SAHMs and their lack of social skills, conversation topics, or addled little brains, i'd throw that back at them and ask how on earth they are going to cope with retirement? What could they possibly have to discuss then?

I couldn't be jealous of somebody whose life revolves round domestic chores and childcare. But if they had a full-time nanny and cleaner then yes I would be a bit jealous.