Stay at home mum of 1 child? Frowned upon?

[Spudulanky]

Why do other people/mums care?!

The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why??

honestly why???

Aren't you just unemployed though , If the child is at school what is your role?

I think we would also judge a man who chose to stay home and not work in the same way.

I must admit I'd be jealous. You are very privileged. And I'm sure a lot would be jealous who also couldn't live off husband's salary and just be a housewife.

I’d gossip about you. I’d be saying “lucky cow… how come I didn’t land a sweet deal like that?!”

My mum was a sahm to two kids. She was the best mum who ever lived, she was amazing. She took us to heaps of extracurriculars and we both went to Oxbridge (she didn’t even get O levels). She was a force of nature and did bags of charity work - PTA and school governor; Sunday school teacher for 20 years; Scout leader; St John’s ambulance, knitting hats for the hospital to give to premature babies and blankets for cancer patients… it was an endless list. She organised a local babysitting circle so mums could get a break from their kids. She had a 20m x 20m fruit and vegetable garden. She cared for her housebound mum for 15 years. She made her own jam and cheese. She made our clothes when we were little. She learned how to tile the kitchen and bathroom. She reupholstered our chairs and made curtains.

She was the most energised, sociable, humble, fabulously accomplished woman who I ever had the fortune to know.

Now I’m older and she is dead and I WISH I could tell her: being a sahm rocks.

Go out there with your head high and ignore the gossip.

It doesn't matter what others choose to call it, or judge it.

I'm guessing she works from home and/or runs her own business, I know a few people who do that - they do school hours plus a couple in the evening.

Anyway, I don't think anyone, including that PP, is suggesting that parents of young primary school kids should both work full time, unless they want to, just that once your kids are in school, if you aren't working PT than you are a housewife/husband rather than a SAHP. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Then why are people judging? What difference does it make to someone what job, or lack therefof, someone else does? Why would they be ‘gossiping’? What is there to possibly say?

’Have you heard? Sandra doesn’t work’
’….Oh, that’s nice for Sandra?’

What else is there to possibly even discuss? If people are ‘gossiping’ then it comes from a bad place and I can’t fathom any other place than jealousy, in this instance.

This happens in most cases when there is a split. Most couples merge finances and pay for a lifestyle and house that they can only afford together. When the relationship breaks down then it is common for the house to be sold to fund two new homes and concerns about pensions increase as this is often an area of inequality between couples and also the fear of having to shoulder all of the costs of retirement on your own creep in.

I find it strange how MN seems determined to present this as a SAHP problem as opposed to a divorce/relationship breakdown problem. How well you bounce back from this will depend on lots of things which will include your own work experience/history, but also the financial health of the family before the breakdown, what (if any) financial settlement you are entitled to, what custody arrangements are put in place, and how work friendly they are etc. The list is literally endless and yet MN is convinced that the biggest factor is whether you're a SAHP or not!

Bloody hell. Personally I judge people who think the only thing that is interesting about them is their job. How boring must you be?

My job is the least interesting part of me.

I honestly don’t think it’s right that a woman should be working FT and covering off all other duties such as dinner, bath, cooking, cleaning.. SURELY that would be split equally between you and partner regardless of earnings..?

that’s my gripe!! I know many who couldn’t manage a FT job and doing all that around it.. no way.. something HAS to give!!

We can’t have it all!

What are you willing to sacrifice???

honestly, your ‘small world’ syndrome is starting to show here. You sound very much like you are doing the one thing you’re accusing others of doing - judging. Many people do exist in equal partnerships. I’m a single parent - with a very good full time career - so I ‘do it all’ I guess but I genuinely don’t find that very hard. My work is flexible, I pick up from school most days of the week. I have plenty of downtime. It’s just not that hard

Maybe your job is very dull. Mine isn't.

My mum worked full time when she had a small family (30 odd years ago, so maybe different now) and said that she used to get judged for the opposite “oh I’d hate to not be able to pick my kids up from school”, “I’d hate to spend that much time without my baby” etc etc so I really just think you can’t win whatever your choices and people should just mind their business a bit more.

Folk can call it whatever they think it is though.

Bloody hell. Personally I judge people who think the only thing that is interesting about them is their job. How boring must you be?

@Silkinside where did you get from my post that I think my job is the most interesting thing about me? My point is that someone who stays at home all day doing housework with minimal adult interaction is unlikely to have a huge amount of interest to talk about.

She sounds great.

My mum also did a lot of all the volunteer and community stuff, as did lots of her friends - and some of them, not all, but a chunk - then got totally fucking financially shafted when their husbands dumped them in their 40s/50s/60s.

That is the thing.

I think that a society where we're all working crazy hours is a bad one. Overall I think we'd be better off if most parents both do PT work - perhaps most mothers of younger would do less work outside the home than fathers, but it would be more balanced all round - women don't totally lose touch with an income source and society still benefits from their skills, while communities and kids get more input from fathers. Of course some couples are going to find this impossible because one person has to do v long hours for whatever reason, but if we rearranged how we work, a lot of couples could do this. I was saying on another thread that I am not one to flag Scandinavia as an amazing model - it's not somewhere I'd want to live - but Denmark for example manages this much better than we do.

Because instinctively people understand that our community is the sum total of all the individual contributions, and the contribution of the mum of one school age child is less than the contribution of the others, unless she is doing something else productive with her time. So obviously they will judge, people always do.

Indeed, your job is so interesting that it apparently eclipses your ability to understand that there are other interesting things in the world and that maybe other people are doing some of those things. and thus remain interesting people.

I wish I had a friend like you. I'd just love to hear you have no conversation other than your job. Everyone longs for a bestie like that.

It's a universal truth that women can't win - damned if you do, damned if you don't. And the people doing the policing/criticising? Other women.

As the saying goes, you'll never please everyone so you may aswell please yourself.

Well they can - but unless they were disabled or parents of kids with special needs, and if they didn't get a break when the kids were at school they just couldn't function, then it's not accurate - and it's also defensive. If you're a housewife/husband and that works for you, why not call it what it is.

I find it strange how MN seems determined to present this as a SAHP problem as opposed to a divorce/relationship breakdown problem. How well you bounce back from this will depend on lots of things which will include your own work experience/history, but also the financial health of the family before the breakdown, what (if any) financial settlement you are entitled to, what custody arrangements are put in place, and how work friendly they are etc. The list is literally endless and yet MN is convinced that the biggest factor is whether you're a SAHP or not!

@Bumpitybumper well it’s a pretty massive factor! I am divorced, I also have a career with a very decent salary. Hence my pension is fine and we’ve both been able to purchase new properties with mortgages. I have friends in situations where the husband has swanned off to buy a new property but their share of the houseful finances haven’t enabled them to - they get a minimum wage job as they’ve been out of the market so long - and they struggle. With little prospect of changing that at their age

How can you determine how productive a random person is, or what they contribute?

Most working mums put their kids into clubs before and after school so the non working mums do look after their kids more hours

It's not up to you to define what someone should or shouldn't be doing of gow they define it though.

They might have a huge amount to talk about, their hobbies interests, music, books, politics, current affairs.

I discuss my job very little with my friends

Exactly.
Not a judgement, just a statement.

I don't know any of their financial situations. But I am taking a career break whilst my DC is small. I am planning on going back to work part time when he starts school if I can find something suitable. During this time my DH will be contributing to my annual ISA allowance, my portfolio is already quite heavily weighted towards dividend paying stocks which i could if need use as an income and I own a property that I rent out. Not everyone will be reliant on benefits.

Indeed. Adults who only speak about any one or two things will end up not contributing much to a conversation.