Stay at home mum of 1 child? Frowned upon?

[Spudulanky]

Why do other people/mums care?!

The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why??

honestly why???

Where are all these judgey people!? I've seen it online but never experienced it in real life. Come and live in Bristol...we have SAHP's, working parents, single parents, parents with one child, parents with 5 children, PT parents who do a bit of both, home educating parents, flexi-schooling parents....honestly, my experience has been overwhelmingly supportive of 'you do you'! Recognition that we're all on our own journey and mostly just doing our best! That's how it should be. This shiz is hard enough without judging one another. Goodness!!

You do you OP!

I'm a stay at home mum of 4 children all school age but we home ed.
Nobody has ever said anything negative to me about being a SAHM.
If they did I wouldn't give there opinion a second thought,what works for me might not be possible in another house hold.

@Threesmycrowd and I’m curious to your curiosity..

I do think there’s a lot of snobbery and jealously about SAHM. I had to work when my boys were younger went back when eldest was 6 months and 4 months with second I had to work for financial reasons.
By the time we had our daughter we were a lot more comfortably off so I stayed home with her I had all intentions of going back to my career when she started full time school but I became disabled and that through that out the window.
shes 14 now and I still don’t work and I don’t think I ever will full time again luckily my husbands salary and some investments we have plus my PiP ensure we have a comfortable secure life.
I feel more judgment being a disabled parent who doesn’t work than I ever did when I was a SAHM

Jealousy. I am the main breadwinner and I feel jealous of sah mums. I wish I could do that, but for financial reasons, I can't. Ignore them and enjoy your previous time with your dc!

This is our experience of school so far too. I haven't been able to help as much as I would have liked (I'm either working or have our toddler) so I'm grateful that other parents have time to contribute. DH is actually planning to take a half-day of leave later on this term so one of us can help with the school trip as we feel it's our "turn".

But if you don't want to be a housewife, don't be one, why judge others who can and are happy with the arrangement? Have they caused any damage to those who don't want to be one or they dont have anythjng else to talk, so indulge in judgemental gossips?

Well that type of attitude is part of the problem. Frankly it's noone else's business what you do. I was a sahm of 2. Went back to work when youngest was 7. While my kids were at school, I volunteered for various school type things, a few community organisations, and ran around after my unwell Mother. I certainly wasn't unemployed, I wasn't particularly keen on being called a housewife but plenty of people would have labelled me as that. We live in a society where so many people want your job title to work out if you're worth talking to.

I am the same and I would absolutely love to be able to work , I can’t even keep my own home clean by myself. However in my social circle ( professional backgrounds) it is very rare for mums to be sahm but luckily I haven’t encountered any prejudice - but I do feel I have to “ apologise” for not working as my generation are very much expected to be working mums. I often get people saying how nice it must be but everyone is coming at it from their own perspective . Personally I feel modern mums are often over working themselves as many are now expected to work full time as well as still ending up doing the majority of housework and childcare.

Stay at home anything, not just SAHM, crack on as long as the taxpayer isn't supporting you with benefits. Up to you if you don't build a pension etc.

I can talk about this as someone who stayed home for six years, but the second mine were in school, I went back to work. why because I didn’t enjoy being at home, I longed for adult interaction. I’m not the type of person who can take on lots of hobbies. There’s not enough that I want to do. I wanted to feel like I was making a difference in the world more ways than just bringing up my children. I’m not saying that if someone stays at home and only brings up the children that they have contributed to the world… that’s just how I felt. I feel more accomplished by doing it at work and then collecting my children. I feel like I can give them more, I’m less irritable, I can and do cook warm, hearty meals in the evening and I spend time with them doing whatever it is we do. That’s just sitting watching TV playing a game. Now I am separated and I have never been more thankful that I had a good job to fall back on that I can provide for myself and my DC. I simply couldn’t have done this if I was a SAHM. I don’t judge, but I do wonder how a SAHM fills their day when everybody else is at work anyway. And when I think about it, it triggers a lot of feelings in me then wrongly assume they might feel. I felt very lonely. I felt very lost and to be quite honest I felt kind of useless. But as I said that’s just me, that’s my shit.

That's just a whole bunch of excuses really.

Running a house isn't a full time job unless you live in Buckingham Palace and have several kids. Most people can do it in a few hours a week (laundry excepted).

But you can do something for yourself or society, you don't need to be tied down to a life of pure drudgery. Doing some online education, learning some skills, volunteer work etc. Your brain will shrink just doing housework, that's why it was so popularised by men as a form of control.

You sound like the exact character the OP is referring to. Why is it your business what others do with themselves? Literally shouldn't concern you at all.

I;m currently a SAHM, barring working about 3 months a year temping. I love it. And I have a disabled child with high needs so not having to negotiate time off with employers for his multiple medical appointments is a joy.

I'm not sure if I have been judged. But I will confess the only time i HAVE judged is someone I know who has 1 child in boarding since they were 10 and still calls themselves a 'SAHM'. Mind you- she has a very unpleasant and demanding husband who treats her as staff so I'm not sure her life is any the easier for it.

I work full time and I’d say 80% of the mums at DD’s school also work. I have never once heard anyone say anything negative about someone being a SAHM, most people accept that everyone’s circumstances are difference. I will admit I do sometimes raise a bit of an eyebrow when a SAHM tells me how busy and stressed she is because for example all the ironing she’s had to do that day (true story)! I also have noticed (and this is where I admit that I do judge) that it’s often the busiest mums who run the PTA, volunteer to help with school events and act as parent governors.

If people are judging you or gossiping about you are you sure there isn’t another reason?

I don't care unless you are expecting the tax payer to fund it.

Although personally I'd be really bored.

I've had mum's from primary school blank me, after they've found out I'm not working! They're jealous and wish, that they could have done the same thing!

I mean I’d never blank someone that’s bizarre but I might distance myself. And it would be jealousy. I just find people who focus their whole beings on being ‘mums’ and housewives (once kids at school) don’t have a lot to say, aren’t very sparky / interesting. Personally, I wouldn’t click with someone like that.

It's really common in the village where I live. Loads of the mums do the school drop off in their gym kits and then go to do a workout together. My neighbour is part of that group and seems happy with no plans to return to work. My DC is very little so I don't know if any gossiping goes on but why would anyone else care?

Wow, the bitchiness is alive and well on this thread!

I’m a stay at home mum to 3 school aged children. I’m not “just unemployed”. My eldest has ASD and cannot cope with wrap around care. I could seek employment between 9.30am and 3pm each day but I choose not to as it works best for my family for me to be available.

I’m available for the kids if they’re poorly, I’m available for therapy and hospital appointments. I’m available for school masses, assemblies, shows and sport competitions. I’m available to help in school with reading or on school trips. I’m available to volunteer within the community both in school and out. I’m available to help elderly relatives with shopping and medical appointments.

I may be “economically inactive” but I take care of my financial needs. A lot of these SAHM’s people sneer at keep the wider community going with various unpaid roles and responsibilities.

@Alwaysyoudoyou thank you, great post!!! 🙏 Bristol sounds lovely

Well, patriarchy and both communist/ capitalist economy conditioning people to think that caring for young and old and keeping a house are non-jobs that should not be paid for or appreciated.

Children and the elderly who need care and active involvement suffer the most, and so do women who are still expected to do most of the caring, regardless of how emancipated they feel, are guilt-tripped for not doing enough, or feel obliged to pay large chunks of their income to other women to do the caring.

And of course, practically, having a job that works around children in school is often a privilege- you have to earn more than you'd pay for wrap around care, you have to often have a car/ be able to drive to be at school on time (2hrs bus ride in one direction leaves you 2 hours of work you can be paid for), or have husbands who are paid enough to work less than full time and be around for some pick ups/ drops offs, extended family support (tough if your an immigrant), etc.

They don't need your approval to live their lives as they please. There are many ways to lead a fulfilling life.

Well why would you want to fit in if this is the way that society thinks?

@stardii You can't work full time and collect at 3pm

Who says? I worked full-time. DH worked full-time. Kids were dropped at school at 9am. Picked up at 3pm (or home for the ones delivered to our door by school bus). Looked after by us in the school holidays.

Exception was some kids wanted to do after school clubs because their friends did and they did ‘cool stuff’. So that meant all our kids at that school at that time did after school club but only because it would have been a massive waste of time to take some home and then have to drive back later to pick others up, then drive home again. It wasn’t because we needed to use it. Same for holidays, some liked going to holiday club and went, they went on great excursions, zoo, horse riding, movies, museums, closed beaches etc. All for a fraction of the price if we had of taken them ourselves, and they got to do it with friends! But for holidays we only sent the ones who wanted to go, ones that didn’t stayed at home with us.

Please justify your claim that you can’t work full-time and pick up at 3pm (and drop off, and care for them in school hols while you are at it).

Edited to add, didn’t have anything against SAHP, certainly was never jealous of them though, that’s laughable, couldn’t have given a shit what anyone else did, did wonder what SAHP did with their time though as we fitted everything in while working full time, not having kids in care, just outsourced lawn and pool maintenance.

It doesn't bother me at all if you don't want to go to work and can support yourself. It's your business, possibly those other people are jealous. But to call yourself a SAHM when your child is at school is disingenuous in my opinion. You don't have a job, aren't in paid work - fact, so why not just say so?