Stay at home mum of 1 child? Frowned upon?

[Spudulanky]

Why do other people/mums care?!

The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why??

honestly why???

I don't want to be one but I did have a period of unemployment when my kids were younger and it was lovely to be able to do all these things that other posters are talking about so I can see why it's hard to give up.

I think my concern about the whole housewife concept is that it's usually so incredibly damaging for women long-term and women need to future proof even more than men because we are still paid less than them. I was married for 20+ years before we divorced and had I not worked for most of those years and built a career I would have been fucked now. Sure I would have got some equity but my kids are adults now and I wouldn't have got CMS and the need for me to be comfortably housed wouldn't have been taken into consideration the same way as if I had young children who primarily lived with me. So, my issue stems from women supporting and enabling mens careers to the detriment of their own. It's short-sighted and not smart in my opinion.

Jealousy, ignore it

It is wonderful! Aside from the stabbings and occasional riots 😉

The only reason I could think why someone would judge is if you are claiming benefits to enable you to stay at home, or if your family is financially struggling because of the decision.

What do you do in the day? Do you volunteer somewhere?

Im so sick of reading this type of BS.
I'd love to know what full time job allows you to drop a child at 9 and pick them up at half 3? Sounds fantastic!
You must have an exceedingly flexible employer who allows you to work late into the night once your children are asleep(our children are not asleep until between half 8 and half 9). Those types of jobs are not easy to come by and neither of us fancied working evenings so we both made career sacrifices
My job required me to be there half 8 to half 6. Same with my husband. There is no way we could have seen as much of our children and both continued to both work full time. Stating this type of thing perpetuates the fantasy that you can have it all. You can't. Choices need to be made and a balance found for everyone in the family. Stop judging other people for making different choices to yourself.

.

I think good luck to you if that's what you want to do, nothing at all wrong with it. Providing you're not claiming benefits to do so.

I honestly don’t think it’s right that a woman should be working FT and covering off all other duties such as dinner, bath, cooking, cleaning.. SURELY that would be split equally between you and partner regardless of earnings..?

that’s my gripe!! I know many who couldn’t manage a FT job and doing all that around it.. no way.. something HAS to give!!

we can’t have it all, neither can men… no one can!

We can’t have it all!

What are you willing to sacrifice???

I do find it odd when your child is in school. I certainly wouldn't blank you though! But seriously, unless there is something medical/disability related in the family, or you are caring for elderly parents what do you do? Why don't you want to do something? I'm certainly not jealous - it would drive me nuts.

Fast forward five or ten years and a few of that group will be anxiously checking how much benefits they will be entitled to now they are single parents. Will they get to keep their lovely home? What about pension entitlement? Yes that is negative but its a fact of life

People will judge you for being a SAHM and they will also judge you for working full time and not being with your child enough

This! Although in my experience it's more if you dare to work. But that was about 15 years ago now and I suspect times have changed. It probably also depends what area you live in.

Yes, I wonder if the sneering people might ponder on the fact that some SAHMs were possibly helping their children--listening to them read, helping with trips, projects, etc.

This is trotted out all the time on MN. I had a number of friends who didn't work. All still married. All still living in their large and lovely houses, planning holidays, enjoying life.

Gossiped about how?

If your kid is a school you are a housewife rather than a SAHM, but beyond that, it's no one's business, if anyone is critical remove them from your life.

And of course, even working people who divorce have to cope suddenly with a big drop in household income. Taking it to extremes, it’s far harder to run a home on £100k than £200k.

As people have said people judge either way. I got comments when I left my job and then some of the same people said ‘oh it’s going to be a long day for your kids, isn’t it?’ and the like when I went back. I know plenty of sahms to one child by the way- childcare around here is both lacking and extortionate!!!

over 40% of UK marriages end in divorce, so anecdotal experiences like yours don't hold any water - that's just you and your tiny friendship group.

It's a personal matter whether you work or not, but anyone should have a plan for what happens if the income support from their partner dries up, whether that by death, divorce or ill health. Obviously some couples have enough investment it's all fine, but the majority don't.

One of the joys of earning a good salary is that you don’t have to clean, you can hire a cleaner! I’m lucky that I love cooking and when I finish work I think of the time making dinner as my relaxation time although I know not everyone enjoys it.

Most people will not judge you for being a SAHM but you are starting to come across as though you’re judging working mums as being unable to fulfil ‘family duties’!

All the SAHM posters seem to just be repeatedly exclaiming ‘jealousy’ which is a lazy response given there have been lots of valid reasons given by people on here about why they may ‘judge’ SAHM.

But I think a big theme seems to be many just don’t understand how someone could be happy just doing housework and drudgery without any kind of financial independence. Your world becomes very small and that doesn’t make for an interesting person. I’d also think they were horribly naive. So if you’re being avoided, at least by me, then that’s probably why. I wouldn’t gossip about you though as I’m a grown up.

Honestly OP? Fuck 'em. If it works for you and your family then who cares what others think?
My son is school age, my husband works full time and we live abroad as my partners work requires it. We move country every 4 years or so. I've been able to work in some of those countries but this country and our last one I am unable to for various visa and language reasons. Would I prefer to work? Yes, I'd love to, it can get boring being a mum at home alone with the kids at school. I'm looking for work, but it is hard to find a job with a UK company that allows you to work from home and in another country, even though I'm still classed legally as a UK resident.

But while I'm not working, be it for the next few months or four years, I'm going to make the most of being able to have so much free time. I've spent my time writing a book, taking creative writing courses, taking language lessons, exploring the city I live in and meeting other mums in similar situations. It's a luxury (that I don't take lightly) to be in a position where we don't have to both work and we have more energy and time for our son. I can clean, tidy, wash clothes, do the ironing, walk the dog, cook dinner and be at every school event, and still I have plenty of time to do things that interest me. If that makes me a housewife, so be it. I don't judge others for the decisions they make, and I spent the first 2 years of child's life working full time, so have seen it from both sides.

So don't take what other people say to heart - if you are happy and it works for you, carry on.

My DH is a SAHD and it's a huge benefit to us all. It means that there is always someone available to look after DD whether it's during holidays, when she's ill, if I have meetings etc that mean I can't do pick up on my days to do it. He also does a lot of the organisational stuff around school and DD's extra curriculars. Then he picks up lots of other household stuff in the week so at weekends we have family time and both he and I have time for our hobbies/each other.

People holding up paid work as the most valuable thing a person can do with their life is part of the reason "women's work" is held in such low regard (and is ironically unpaid or low paid).

I think it’s quite amusing when people call themselves a ‘stay at home mum’ when their child is in school. Because they’re not a ‘stay at home mum’ anymore - they’re just unemployed. They’re with their child as much as I am and I work full time!

This is such nonsense. Firstly the correct term in this case is economically inactive, not unemployed ( that's how they are classified for data collection).

Secondly, I work full time and I absolutely do not spend as much time with my kids as my SAHM friend does. Because, I am still working when they come home from school and because all the stuff that she gets done in the day, I have to do when the kids are around. She actually organises and sets out lovely activities for them to play with together when they get home from school. Mine sit with screens until I've stopped work and cooked and served up dinner - compare and contrast people! And even then, I'll have other stuff to do, life admin, house stuff, shopping, my own socialising/ leisure life - cos I can't do that stuff in the day.

Be honest, everyone has a nicer life when there is a SAHM (Or Dad), because they get done in the day all the boring shit so no-one has to do it after work. SAMH has a nicer life and so does the other parent and the kids.

Exactly, you lose either way.

Anyone who is a stay at home mum/ dad or a housewife/husband - if you’re happy and your partner is happy, then don’t worry about it, your personal life is your business. Anyone else who is judging is an idiot.

I think that's likely to be a lot of people's feelings. 'They're only jealous!' is the kind of non-answer given when a child says to its mother than the other kids don't like her.

It's nobody else's business.
Comparing lives actually makes a lot of folk really unhappy. 😬