Stay at home mum of 1 child? Frowned upon?

[Spudulanky]

Why do other people/mums care?!

The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why??

honestly why???

@spicychilli82 great honest post - thank you

Maybe we are all constantly just trying to prove ourselves and our decisions as worthy

I’ve noticed since becoming a parent a lot of competitiveness.

On the one hand there’s the race to the bottom parents - people want to share their worst labour, worst birth stories, say they had it worse with this baby or that baby and how they’ve struggled.
Then on the other hand there’s all the people who brag about how perfect their child is, I saw some really horrific things online after my first; people bragging because their baby slept through the night or ate everything they were given or that stupid trend of ‘My Amelia isn’t like other 2 year olds, Amelia has never had a tantrum and has slept for 13 hours since she was 1 week old bla bla’. The one that really irked me was a guy whose daughter was about 18 months and she slept all night and ate all her food without complaining and he said it was because he and his wife were really great parents and someone replied calling their child ‘A gift from God’. Ew.

There is SO much competition amongst parents and it’s all so stupid. I don’t get it because so what if your child sleeps through? Or eats broccoli? Or never kicks off in the supermarket? Or can do their ABC before 2 years old? Or gets 9 A stars or whatever it is now in GCSE’s? Or is the fastest runner? That doesn’t make them better than any other child who will have other amazing attributes. And yes you can be proud, but bragging and rubbing it in is a really bad look. And personally I’d rather hear about natural acts of kindness than a child who always eats their veg.

We Really need to stop attacking each other and start supporting each other, because maybe if we did, we’d get our villages back, and then we’d all find parenting a little fucking easier.

Yes absolutely this. I don’t have friends in my industry and some of my friends have jobs which sound amazing and others have jobs that don’t interest me and some don’t work and none of it impacts who they are a people. They have so many other interesting aspects than their jobs, which is why I’m their friend.

Really couldn’t care less what someone does for a job, if we hang out it’s because you’re a decent and interesting person, not because of your job.

I totally respect people staying home to look after their children. But once at school I don't get it.

What would you say if your children came to you when they reached 18 and said they didn't want to ever get a job or work? And they just want to be housewife's with a rich husband.
I think you'd be disappointed wouldn't you? I know I would.

It's a cultural thing I suppose but our culture recognises success often by the work role you do and who you become in life. I think that's where the judging comes from.

I honestly would be a bit sad if my daughter wanted to be a housewife and didn't want to strive for a career.

When you read articles from those whom have lived long lives, the "Any regrets? Any advice?" articles, what comes up over and over again is time. I wish I had spent less time in the office/worrying about the housework and more time just being.

I left employed work when on maternity leave with eldest and have never returned. I am not economically inactive but can pick and choose if, when and how I make money, because we based all our calculations on H's salary alone.

I do as much as my skills (which are varied) and arm strength allows in the house, garden and with the now teens. What this means for H is as much of his time not at work is for him to be, live, enjoy.

We worked this out together, obviously there is more to this than just this post, we pay more, oh much more than double the average into the Chancellor's coffers, we are both financially secure for now and the future. Setting the children up into adulthood, that's taken care of as well.

If I worked as well we could have a bigger house I guess, but then no one would be in it most of the time, flasher cars I guess but they still get from A-B safely and within the speed limit etc etc.

I am not some bored, put upon housewife. My H isn't a miserable overworked drudge.

H gives me choice, I give him time. Anyone we know understands this, anyone who talks to us about our set up understands this. Strangers judging, meh who cares, their judgement is the last thing that would make me scurry out and lose everything, not financial, that we would lose having two jobs.

We know we are lucky to be able to make this choice. But we were both looking for someone to make these choices with. Guess our main luck was finding each other.

People are welcome to judge away. When J Hunt tried to bring in the "get the economically inactive 50s back to work campaigns" we laughed like drains and decided that the job I would consider just doesn't exist.

Call me whatever you like. Unemployed, yes, economically inactive, not exactly, housewife, we don't really see it like that, I am a mum, yes that's true. I am a time giver.

I'm hoping we have few regrets on our deathbeds. That's the ultimate aim, reason for our choices, isn't that enough?

@@Spudulanky
When you read articles from those whom have lived long lives, the "Any regrets? Any advice?" articles, what comes up over and over again is time. I wish I had spent less time in the office/worrying about the housework and more time just being.

not sure how you propose most of us make a living without going out to work. We cannot sit all with our arse at home all day. Do you think the Sahm-funding-fairy will appear? What an absurd comment!

I did say we were lucky to make this choice.

And this post is about judgement towards women who don't work. So I was addressing that particular issue.

If I had to work for us to survive I would, of course I would, and I don't sit around all day. It wouldn't be a happy household if I didn't contribute my equally valid part of the work required.

I’d feel the same way. Like I had gone wrong somewhere.

That’s not how women become SAHM. Most of the ones I know are very well educated, and had successful 20 year careers before they started their family. They didn’t set out to become SAHMs but discovered that it worked best for their family. An 18 year old that just decides she doesn’t want to work is a very different story.

What would you say if your children came to you when they reached 18 and said they didn't want to ever get a job or work?

But that's unlikely. Most sahms I know ended up here due to circumstance not as a deliberate choice made at the age of 18. If you were my mum would you be disappointed that I ended up a sahm due to taking the advice of mental health professionals due to postpartum psychosis in my mid 30s?

For me at least I've replicated my old working life as much as I can through a variety of charity work. Home Start, Scout Group, Chairing a board of Trustees, helping at preschool and school. My kids get to see me achieve things outside the home, another degree, successful funding applications, chairing meetings and so on and whilst psychosis totally undermined my feelings of self to the point I lack the confidence to return to work, that's all I can do.

Despite being an on-off SAHP, I've always brought the kids up to know that they have to earn a living and not to rely on anyone else. But one of my DD's, who is working, just wants to be a mother. I worry desperately for her, she's such a gentle soul, loves children (she works with them), hates her job as she finds the other employees cliquey and bitchy, rather like school. I worry that she won't be able to stay home with her babies and won't get to do that one thing that she sowants. I do wish she didn't feel this way, but I think it's just the way some people are and it's a shame that's there's so much resentment against women who don't want a career, but just want to be homemakers.

I have said SAHP and not referred to women. I am aware most SAHPs are women but not all.

Why ‘worry’? Well, I don’t sit in my house worrying about every single person but of course it matters for someone’s welfare. Perhaps worry is the wrong word but yes, I do care when relationships end and when people are left struggling to pay bills and they have children. That’s shit for them and their family. I ‘worry’ (care about) how disabled people manage on benefits. I ‘worry’ (care about) how pensioners just above the PC cut off will cope without the winter fuel allowance. I ‘worry’ (care about) how a lot of families are coping with increased food prices. You’ve taken something from my statement to mean more than it is. It was a broad comment about society.

I am simply posting on an internet forum suggesting that SAHPs are higher risk of finding it difficult to be financially stable if the relationship ends and they are being fully financially supported by a partner. I did say it’s different if they have their own independent finances, have studied and / or CPD.

I would never comment on someone’s choice in real life but OP posted on MN (Edit: this isn’t AIBu, my mistake!). I would suggest it’s advisable to not be fully reliant on another person and to seek steps to minimise that. That’s not a moral or value judgement.

I think it’s a wonderful thing that she already knows that she wants to stay at home with her children. There’s really no need for your daughter to waste time in a job she hates when she could be doing what she really wants. Now what she needs to do is meet a like minded fella and make it all happen!

I would be very upset if one of my daughters didn’t want to stay at home with her children. I’ve told all my kids that I expect my grandchildren to be cared for by their parent, and they all agree! I went to university and had a good well paying job before I had children aged 27. I couldn’t care less about that job, I walked away from it without a second thought. If my marriage ended and I no longer had financial support I could easily go back to get a job, it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest to start from the bottom and work my way up. Luckily that’s not my situation and I’m not living my life on the proviso that I might get divorced. I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it. My husband’s grandmother divorced in her mid-40’s in 1975 and then trained as a nurse and then a midwife and later matron of the hospital, having never before had any paid employment or qualifications in her life. Everything works out in the end.

@MorvernBlack yeah I was the same…desperately wanted kids, wanted to be a sahm…as I said above…I didn’t love it. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be at all!! I ran back to work once my oldest got his free Montessori hours!

My youngest I mean!

I would be very upset if one of my daughters didn’t want to stay at home with her children. I’ve told all my kids that I expect my grandchildren to be cared for by their parent

bloody hell. You’ve told them what you expect for your grandchildren…..I bet you make a frequent appearance being complained about on these boards 😁

You’re lucky that they agree. Ultimately, you don’t get a say when it comes to grandchildren.

I would’ve laughed if my mum thought she had a say in my career and if my children go to nursery.

Exactly!

I worked from leaving school until my first maternity leave and did well. I supported my husband for many years while he wasn’t working. He did the same for me after we started our family.

Funnily enough my DM (a war baby) was very judgy about people who used childminders etc. She was very much of the opinion that mothers of children under secondary school age should not work. She also assured me that she would never provide childcare herself.

I was the complete opposite, wasn't very child focussed, thought I'd struggle and be rapidly back at work. Turned into a lentil weaving baby wearer, who brought up someone else's kids as well as my own 😆

So when you meet a mum and you're chatting about what you do, you say "so what do you do for work? Or are you wilfully unemployed?" 😂

I've only ever seen SAHMs say this when they're attacked for not working in paid employment and forced to defend their choices.

No. I’d just ask what they do, especially if they have a school aged child.

This thread is a bit vicious at times.

End of the day you're all women, you all know how hard it is being a mother, you should support eachother. The vast majority of people do what they think is right for their family.

For some that is working part time, for some that is working long hours, for others it isn't working at all.

I haven’t. On a thread I was called sick for having a baby in nursery and selfish for not wanting to be a SAHM.

It goes both ways. Without a doubt.

End of the day you're all women, you all know how hard it is being a mother, you should support eachother. The vast majority of people do what they think is right for their family. For some that is working part time, for some that is working long hours, for others it isn't working at all.

fucking hell @Honest00lad horrendous mansplaining, condescending shit. Stop trying to tell women what to do.