Stay at home mum of 1 child? Frowned upon?

[Spudulanky]

Why do other people/mums care?!

The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why??

honestly why???

Under 16's are school children and not able to work full time

Pensioners are people who are retired from working - ie drawing a pension

Completely different from a SAHP who is chasing not to work but is able to. It's a choice. The other 2 are not

I largely agree with pp and I have 3 kids.

Does she think that women have a duty to work for the benefit of society, regardless of what's best for their family? That's some extreme socialism...

@SouthLondonMum22 - not all working parents use childcare so you can't say SAHP care for their children and witking parents dont

What about SAHP who's DC are in school. No need for them to be honest. They're parents who aren't working

This

I'm not jealous of STAHMs at all. Neither do I judge or gossip. (I do think a lot of STAHMs like to think that working mums do that though 😂) I really couldn't care less. But relying on someone else ( a man/partner/husband) to fund my lifestyle financially not only whilst I'm of working age but also into retirement....it's not for me. For me there is self respect and self worth in being self sufficient financially, building something career wise, being someone other than just mummy. I'm fortunate to have an understanding boss and I don't miss any of my children's school events etc. Just as many STAHMs would say for them there is self respect and self worth in being home and available 24/7 for their children. Horses for courses.

I think a "surprising" number of women actually do want to be housewives (or whatever your chosen term is). Not because they've somehow not been "liberated", but because, given the choice, they'd rather use their time and resources on their family and themselves rather than a company that doesn't actually care about them or could easily replace them.

A lot of assumptions here though, not all SAHMs are financially dependent, and not all working mums are financially independent, as a quick peruse of the relationship board on here will attest!

I’ve not read all the other 383 replies (and counting) but for those trying to apply logic by saying OP isn’t a stay at home mum bc her kids are at school - she is staying at home, and she is a mum. She is literally a stay at home mum 🤷🏼‍♀️

The title implies she is staying at home BECAUSE she is a mum - to allow her to become a mum in the way she is comfortable. Many women choose to go to work for many different reasons, not all financial.

People judge no matter what you do, usually due to resentment. They do not care about you and are not your ppl so do not give them the headspace.

You cannot please everybody and if you turned yourself inside out attempting to you would be criticised for being a fake people-pleaser or ‘sickeningly nice’. You can’t win so let them get on with the game with other unhappy people.

I’ve not read all the other 383 replies (and counting) but for those trying to apply logic by saying OP isn’t a stay at home mum bc her kids are at school - she is staying at home, and she is a mum. She is literally a stay at home mum 🤷🏼‍♀️

By that logic I'm a SAHM. I stay at home (working) and I'm a mum 🤦‍♀️

Ok then, well a SAHM can declare herself a working mum then, because she is doing jobs in the house. FFS. Why are people so hung up on the terminology? What difference does it make??

Haven’t explored the thread of PPs so I’m not commenting on that but what YOU refer to in your first sentence does seem to be a view I see on here now and again. Eg “SAHMs don’t contribute to society as they are economically inactive/don’t pay taxes.” “They enable men to progress in their careers and working mums can’t compete.” etc…

I agree with both, especially the latter, and I’ve encountered my fair share of what seems to me very part-time dads (despite living with their children full time) who work all the hours they can to secure a promotion. But if I’m called part of the problem for taking a few years out when my DC are babies and toddlers, so be it. I WANTED to be with them, to take them to baby and then toddler groups and to do extended breastfeeding beyond my maternity leave period. There’s no way I could have continued to do it if I went back to work in my line of work - and I don’t really care if anyone replies saying they breastfed until their children were 10 😂 and went back to work when they were six months old.

I don’t really appreciate the “women can have it all” sentiment - as much as I wish it was the case for 100% of women, which is precisely my issue with it - because if I went back to work quickly (to keep my foot in the door for future promotion, which would have been the only reason for me), I would have had to put my DC in nursery from what is quite young in my opinion. It wasn’t for me personally although I would never, ever judge anyone who does make that decision. However, I do tire of when people who do make that decision seem to expect others to do something similar or are critical of SAHMs. (My SIL is like this.) Instead I chose to take a few years out and I’ll deal with the consequences of that when I go back. Regardless, I still see what my husband and I have chosen as middle ground and the best decision for us as a family. I’m happy to compromise my socialism and feminism for this if that is the way my actions are perceived.

It goes without saying that I never take the privilege of having the choice to stay at home with my DC when very young for granted. I don’t need to be told that so many don’t have that privilege.

Lets be honest though, financially independent SAHM’s are in the minority.

I agree, but it’s really not everyone. I think there’s a surprisingly high number of financially dependant working mums out there though, to varying degrees. From a financial perspective I’d rather be a married SAHM with a husband who views his salary as family money than unmarried with a financially abusive partner that earns much more than me, probably having dented my career by having children even while working - see it all the time on here.

And for someone who claims not to judge or gossip, there’s an awful lot of thinly veiled nastiness towards SAHMs in your post. From your laughing emoji to your comments on self respect and self worth (implication - SAHMs have no self-respect or self-worth).

Why couldn’t you just say it’s not what you’ve chosen and move on?

Yes it is horses for courses but I rarely ever read posts from SAHMs bashing working mums for their choices, so why do we need it the other way around?

Thank you, @Pregnantandconstantlyhungry. I don’t think most of us who volunteer expect much reward - other than the intrinsic kind - for what we do, but it can be frustrating when people just sort of expect the extra help in school/school governance/trips/clubs/church and community groups to keep happening, but also denigrate those who are keeping them ticking over by implying that none of this unpaid work is valuable, and that the only way of gaining any kind of acceptable status in society is by contributing in economic terms.

So many people currently complain that ‘there is no real sense of community any more’, and that opportunities/youth groups/extra-curricular activities for young people don’t exist in the same way as they used to. But it is unpaid volunteers who often facilitate these things. Just off the top of my head:

Our school library wouldn’t run without its team of volunteer SAHMs who come in for an hour a day to change books (the school can’t afford to employ a paid librarian)

We would have no local Brownie/Guide pack without the team of largely SAHMs and retired volunteers who run it

Our PTA would be far less proactive as it is largely made up of SAHMs who have more time to commit to fundraising

School trips would be unable to run in the same way without reliable volunteers with flexible schedules to accompany them each time

The Year 4 class I volunteer with would be without any additional support twice a week, as due to funding cuts the school has had to reduce the class TA’s hours

Several local charities I’m aware of would be struggling as they rely heavily on SAHMs to volunteer in various support roles

I absolutely get that SAHMing/unpaid work is not for everyone, and it’s not what I see myself doing forever either, but it is disingenuous to suggest that this kind of unpaid work has no value.

People don't always know someone's personal situation though. To those who don't know me, they see an unwed SAHM who doesn't have any money. However, through sad circumstances, I've inherited hundreds of thousands, but I live frugally, wear plain clothes, drive an old car etc. I'm only a SAHM because I have such a safety net meaning that if we were to separate I'd be fine. Yet, to those who don't know me well, I probably look like I'm in a very precarious position financially.

Oh, it happens. Both ‘sides’ can be just as nasty as each other.

From SAHM’s it is usually why bother having kids if someone else is going to raise them, working mums are selfish, working mums are materialistic etc.

Unless she's a carer for somebody, I'd describe her as wilfully unemployed.

I wouldn't judge either way, child rearing is hard graft, all children are different. Noone knows what's really going on in someone's life, we are all different and have different needs/wants. Think it's just best to concentrate on your own family.

There are more variations of that scenario though. However, using your scenario, in the case of divorce, which woman is a better financial and employment situation? I am not placing a value judgement on SAHPs but it does, unfortunately, place you at a disadvantage in many cases if you’re returning to the work place after so long out of it.

Being a SAHP and being financially able to independently sustain yourself is a whole different ballgame. I know everyone on MN is married to a man who earns six figures and is independently wealthy but most are not in that privileged position.

It's about getting that balance between quality time and the money needed for a good quality of life. Some parents go too far on both 'sides.'

And in the school holidays when she’s looking after her children all day? Still wilfully unemployed?

This..,,

@Soldieringnonosoldiershere your posts are the most offensive on this thread. You seem to have painted a very narrow idea of what a SAHM is in your head, and your superiority complex is oozing out of every post.