Stay at home mum of 1 child? Frowned upon?

[Spudulanky]

Why do other people/mums care?!

The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why??

honestly why???

There are different reasons for judging something; judging a situation for example, for risk assessment purposes, is entirely different to judging a person by nothing more than the choice they’ve made about work.

To defend that seems very bizarre. It doesn’t have to be for jealousy purposes, but I can’t fathom any reason why you would judge a person for choosing not to work if that’s what suits their family. I can’t think of a single reason where that would be an acceptable judgment to make.

Well no, in economic terms SAHMs/ housewives etc are not classed as unemployed. Furthermore, not all working people are employees.

it's what i'm hoping to do, if school will take on a disabled classroom assistant who uses crutches/a wheelchair these days.. hoping to go back in the next couple of years or so.

I love working with kids, and i specialise in child mental health support/send kids

@ImthatBoleyngirl

And this is great. However:

1. You acknowledge you are lucky. To the poster who quotes you and says "absolutely this - you can make it work etc etc", this is total rubbish. Jobs with this degree of flexibility are few and far between.

2. It's excellent that you can fit work around your children's schedules, allowing you to do a job you presumably either enjoy doing, need to do or both. Let's not pretend, though, that this is the same as being a SAHP. A SAHP doesn't have to make time up or sit in a cafe working during a gym lesson or work after bedtimes or however else you make this work for you. A SAHP (in a household where this is fully funded by the other part of the team) has the luxury of time to ensure everything household related runs smoothly with minimal stress and freneticism and also to pursue hobbies and interests. I go out between 1-3 evenings a week to do my area of interest. The house is always clean and tidy. I am not exhausted and stressed. Nobody has to rush from pillar to post to accomplish everything. Nobody is in wraparound care. As I mentioned before, I've been both, so know what it is like from both perspectives. In terms of how I feel both as a parent and as a human being, being a SAHM is a dream.

It might not be for everyone but those of you commenting that you wouldn't choose to spend time with a SAHM, whose interests lay in home management, or who "wouldn't care" but would "silently judge" - how very short-sighted and narrow-minded of you. Equally, those who have suggested SAHP aren't "using their brains" and begin to live in some kind of reduced universe as a result - again, how very short-sighted of you. As a SAHP, I use my brain ALL the time, both on home management but also on the things that genuinely interest me. As an Oxbridge graduate, there are lots of them (not saying you have to have an Oxbridge degree to have varied interests, just pointing out that we're not all brain-stunted, boring individuals).

Lots more I could say but judging someone before you know them is never a good trait. I don't judge you for your life choices. Don't see fit to judge me for mine, which don't impinge upon you in any way whatsoever.

If they’re gossiping about you they’re probably jealous. I think some working mums feel at least a small amount of guilt that they don’t stay at home with their children. When they see a SAHM it makes them feel bad about themselves and they feel the need to bring her down in order to justify their own parenting decisions. In no way am I suggesting all working mums feel this way. Only the ones that feel the need to judge SAHMs. Other people’s parenting decisions have nothing to do with you so why would you care unless its something you’re insecure about?

I disagree. It’s perfectly possible to decline to form an opinion on something, I do this all the time when it comes to people’s personal choices that do not affect me. Try it sometime.

It’s still possible to enjoy lively discussion on a variety of topics with this exclusion I assure you.

I know lots of mums that stay at home for various reasons. Including husbands that work away. If they can afford to do it why not? Also finding jobs that fit in with children and are financially viable are like oldest in some areas. If they can live comfortably and it works for them it's know-ones business.

I disagree. It’s perfectly possible to decline to form an opinion on something, I do this all the time when it comes to people’s personal choices that do not affect me. Try it sometime.

it’s cognitively impossible not to form an opinion.

Well, your specialisms would certainly be very useful at present! Oh gosh, without a doubt they would! It goes without saying. Hopefully you find a school you love!

It does not take all day whilst your child is out to do life admin, clean etc. Many single parents manage full time work, cleaning and caring for a child around their job. It’s not jealousy from working parents, it’s often sheer confusion how anyone can be content being funded by someone else and not doing things

I could absolutely be a SAHM (dc 16, 14, 7) and fill my days. My house would be cleaner and more organised and probably in better decorative order. Our meals would be more varied. The dog would get walked a lot more to new, interesting places. Everything needed to keep our lives ticking along would be done by me, Monday to Friday, in school hours, leaving our evenings and weekends lovely and free.

I wouldn't choose that because I would never give up my own secure employment, even after 20 years with dh, who I'd trust with my life. But I'm sensible enough to realise how risky it would be.

However...I'm confused as to how some people are confused by 'how you'd fill your day'. I don't think I'd have any trouble at all.

Yet the majority of this thread have said they don’t and wouldn’t judge a stay at home mum. So they have formed an opinion without judgement. Or at least, they have judged that it’s not their business.

Of course we all judge, I’m on another thread judging famous musicians who have sex with young girls and cheat right now, but the I still cannot fathom a single reason (and no one has offered one up except for jealousy) why you would judge a person for making a basic career decision that doesn’t affect you but they feel is best for their family.

We live in a society. Our choices can and do affect other people.

This thread has got me thinking..

I am a sahm (judge if you want). I became a sahm because I couldn't keep my job and manage my disabled child's appointments/ needs etc. I gave up work completely before he started primary but there is no way that I could have retained my work. In hindsight once he was in school the work regarding his disabilities increased ten fold (managing appointments, therapies, complaints, meetings, tribunals, pre action protocol letters etc). Truthfully I would rather have worked anywhere and have my children in every before, after and holiday club than him have his disabilities.

I have a slightly older child too who is applying to Oxbridge this year. He has benefited immeasurably from having me at home too.

I didn't choose this life but I'm grateful for the time it has given me with both my children. When I look at both their childhoods I can see how having me there in the mornings, evenings, holidays and sickness has helped them. I made the most of the time with them so did /do take them out an awful lot, arts, crafts, reading, kite flying, baking, support for ds2's 11+ exam, homework support and just having a hell of a lot of amazing memories that I would not have had if I had been working.

I do have a friend who struggles with pnd she needed to return to work- she has very strong feelings about this but it is just to make her feel better about her choices which she struggles with. I think this is the crux of it too. Women are judged so much and as a group we fight and have faught so hard for equality but whatever we choose some of us need to justify those decisions.

Do you make a habit of forming sweeping opinions on an entire sector of the community based on your interactions with a small number?

Having a job does not make someone remotely interesting, unless they’re an astronaut or something. But even then people then if they can’t discuss anything other than work they become dull very quickly.

SAHMs are no different to anyone else in that respect.

Do you make a habit of forming sweeping opinions on an entire sector of the community based on your interactions with a small number?

yes I do, because we all do. The brain has to group and categorise to survive. Have a look at some psychology websites. I did a masters in this area!

Having a job does not make someone remotely interesting, unless they’re an astronaut or something

see you just did it.

because they want us to admit we're just sitting around being lazy/sponging off society while we sleep in, drink coffee and watch shit day time TV... which isn't the case for many of us in the slightest.

Never mind that most of us worked before giving it up to stay home with our kids, never mind that some of us don't have a choice but be home with our kids because of disabilities/circumstances.

I don't judge parents who choose to go back to work, i know not everyone can afford to be home, or wants to be home, but i'm not sitting here sneering at them like we're getting back on this thread.

The point of feminism is choice. Having agency over your own life.

This is your choice. Ignore them all!

No I’d didn’t, I did the exact opposite. I was making a point that we are all individuals and not defined by our education, employment status, wealth etc. I’m very highly educated, but I wouldn’t assume that a person who left school after GCSEs to go and work in Tesco couldn’t be an interesting person and a potential friend.

I dare say we are all biologically programmed to judge, but that’s no reason for us not to fight against prejudice in all its forms.

and let’s be honest- that’s what you are doing. You are not judging all those SAHMs out there that you haven’t met yet - you are pre-judging them.

The point of feminism is equality.

Not at a personal level. People go out to work to please themselves and to earn money. Not to be some vague benefit to society. Unless they are a massive communist or something.

Sounds like you only have one child. Try and add a couple more children into the mix

Not equality of outcome

As I’ve said previously, I was a SAHM (although I used the term housewife mostly) until my youngest went to secondary school. No benefits were claimed (apart from child benefit until youngest was about 14). When I went back to work I got the first job I applied for (and was offered two others). Despite 16 years outside of paid work my skills were still relevant and up to date because of all the things I’d been doing while DCs were at school. I volunteered in school helping with reading and life skills. I helped in my church with admin. I helped a local charity with accounts, publicity, fundraising etc. I took care of the home as DH was effectively “paying” me (that’s how I saw it and was happy to). I also had my hobby, visiting friends and going to the gym.

When I went back to work (albeit term time only), I dropped all the voluntary stuff and DH automatically stepped up and took on a lot of the house stuff (no I didn’t have to ask him). Life as a working parent was a lot quieter and less hectic than as a non working parent!

DH wouldn’t care if I stopped work again (I’ve got a long term health problem that he thinks might be better if I stopped work - it wouldn’t) but I love my job so I’ll carry on while I can.

I really don't understand why it bothers or affects people what SAHMs do all day. Unless they're claiming benefits when they could be working, ir scrounging off friends and family... If they can afford as a family to just have one working parent, why does that upset people?

But you can have an internal debate with yourself at least? If a judgemental thought about someone pops into my head, I’m able to reason my way through it and decide if it’s fair or not. I can for example remind myself that I rarely know that full story about a person.

I was brought up by very snobby, superior and bigoted parents so it’s taken a fair amount of retraining my thinking to get to this point. Totally possible though.