Stay at home mum of 1 child? Frowned upon?

[Spudulanky]

Why do other people/mums care?!

The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why??

honestly why???

If you’re self supporting, I wouldn’t care either way.🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't normally ask but making a big fuss and skirting the question makes me interested. 🤷

When my DC were young, many years ago now, I faced a lot of negativity from SAHMs (I worked 4 days a week)

I got told: Your DC are actually doing pretty well considering you're a working mum

Once I had a day off and went to one of their coffee mornings. The conversation consisted of:
Do you tumble dry towels or hang them on the line?
When you sneeze is it once, twice or more times?
How great they were for washing and ironing their children's school uniforms daily
I left after an hour. Couldn't stand the banality and smugness!

@SouthLondonMum22 well if they aren't jealous why are they being judgmental and bitchy? Makes no sense. I could not afford to be a SAHM but I also wouldn't want to be one. However. I'd never slag SAHMs off. I don't care enough. Definitely seems like jealousy to me.

Are SAHM’s who judge working mums jealous too? Surely there’s reasons other than jealousy.

Why is anyone judging anyone? Anyone who judges someone else for a choice that doesn’t affect them is an idiot who needs to focus more on their own life.

There isn’t a reason for anyone to judge, jealousy or not.

Anyone using the word "unemployed" is judging. If you are a SAHM you are not unemployed, in the same way that under 16s aren't unemployed, or old age pensioners.

How is it the same? Under 16s are legally too young to work, pensioners have worked most of their lives.

I suppose because it can be human nature for people to make judgements. This platform also invites judgements because it would be very boring if others didn’t share their opinions.

Most of the stay at home mums with kids in school that I know are very proactive in their communities. For example, in my church circle many such mums run play groups, mentor women or lead women's group bible study groups. They seem constantly on the go.

Sharing an opinion in a discussion is entirely different from judging a person because of their life choice on whether to work or not. We’re past the shaming period of life we went through, we don’t need to judge and attempt to shame women for their life choices anymore. If a family have made the decision that the mother or father are going to stay at home, that’s their business and not for anyone else to ‘judge’.

And if you do struggle getting a job after being an economically inactive drain upon society, which some MNetters would have you believe will be the case, we’ll snap you right back up in teaching!

It is great, all you do in your DC’s school, btw. I work in ed and have always really valued the contributions of SAHPs - and working parents!

Is it? Especially regarding this topic, sharing your opinion often at least implies something.

“I’m a SAHM because I wanted to be the one to raise my children” implies that working parents don’t raise their children.

“I’m a working mother because it sets a good example to children to earn everything you work for” implies that SAHM’s aren’t positive role models.

and again, if discussions only consist of people falling over themselves saying it isn’t any of their business or that they aren’t judging, it would quickly become very boring.

Why? It is factually correct. They are mothers. They ‘stay at home’ rather than go out to work. It’s just a commonly used term. It doesn’t take anything away from you / working mothers. Why do you have a problem with this?

I wouldn’t want to be called a housewife, it’s a label that carries all sorts of negative historical connotations. I think people have a right to some say over how they are labelled and referred to.

Furthermore, I think speculation on why a man could possibly want to be with his wife - for WHATEVER reason that might be, is abhorrent. You must know some deeply unpleasant people if these are the sorts of conversations you are having. And of course, birds of a feather….

For those who say you can't be a sahm if your child/children are in school, does it then follow that working mums shouldn't describe themselves as working mums because they do this while the child is in school?

I think once your children go to school, you’re either unemployed or employed. Either way you’re still a mum, same way the child’s father is still a dad.

SAHM’s care for their children during working hours. Working parents don’t because they use childcare.

A school aged child is at school during the majority of working hours.

Eh? Are you suggesting conversation can only be interesting if we are judging other people?

I have lots of interesting conversations that don’t include judging people. And I haven’t made any of the statements you have posted because as far as I am concerned, it’s up to other people how they decide to raise their children and conduct their lives and it’s none of my business because I would t judge anyone for choosing to go back to work or not.

I personally have no interest in judging anyone to prevent boredom.

I find the constant ‘accusations’ of judging bizarre. Of course we all judge. To judge means to form an opinion or conclusion. As humans we do this hundreds if not thousands of times a day. We also stereotype and classify in order to make sense of the world quickly and apply cognitive decisions.

Therefore if I have formed opinions on SAHM from people I’ve known/ things I’ve seen and my conclusion is that the type of person who desires to be one wouldn’t be the kind of person I’d get along well with, then that’s fine. Of course there are exceptions. Of course there are hugely inspirational, interesting, curious and intellectual SAHM. But on the whole, if you’re fulfilled by keeping house and rearing children alone that’s not for me. It’s not jealousy.

I reckon jealousy and defensiveness are the main reasons on both sides

I’ve never encountered any negativity about working so
i can’t really envision what that’s like in reality. You went over to someone and they ignored you? I’m also interested in why you attributed it to your work status and not some other factor. If someone was a bitch to me I wouldn’t immediately assume it was because I worked. Perhaps they don’t like you because there are other factors that they find distasteful or unpleasant.

Hang on, if you are at home why does your connection only stay to your husband/wife and not your children in your opinion? Surely if the label ‘mum’ gets erased from the title when the children are at school by nitpickers like you, then so does the label ‘wife’. So us stay at home parents just become stay at home singletons because everyone magically erases out of existence when they leave the house!

I personally have no interest in judging anyone to prevent boredom

That’s amusing when on this very thread you have called me ‘dull’,’ boring’ and ‘without a social life @SpiderPlanter

Discussions almost always includes judgement. It’s part of forming an opinion.

Everyone judges to a certain extent. Everyone.

Anyone who judges anyone for either choice is judgemental IMO rather than jealous.