Stay at home mum of 1 child? Frowned upon?

[Spudulanky]

Why do other people/mums care?!

The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why??

honestly why???

I’ve been told others couldn’t do what I do because they want to be role models for their children.

By “what I do”, I mean taking a few years out from a hard-earned career to have my family of two children in quick succession, which I felt necessary after years of delaying it because I was focusing on my work. I plan to go back to work when my youngest is a toddler.

I personally think the few years out I am taking while my DC are babies and, in part, pre-schoolers will have a less negative impact on them and the women they’ll become than if they were exposed to me criticising the choices of women in the way I see on here so frequently. And this is not the same as educating our children about the importance of work and financial independence.

Sigh.

I never said I thought that. I said that’s often why women do sneer at the school gate. OP asked a question, I answered 😀

@Killingoffmyflowersonebyone your post is in full below. Please do point out where I missed you pointing out that this was not your opinion. Because it certainly reads like your opinion. You seem to have some very definite ideas about how a SAHM conducts her life and its certainly not attributed to anyone else.

"Because if your kid is in school you’re not a stay at home mum. You’re a stay at home wife. Let’s be honest about what it is. Too often SAHW try and dress it up. Be honest.

It does not take all day whilst your child is out to do life admin, clean etc. Many single parents manage full time work, cleaning and caring for a child around their job. It’s not jealousy from working parents, it’s often sheer confusion how anyone can be content being funded by someone else and not doing things…and how their partner can want to be with someone like that tbh"

No one should be funded by anyone. If you have sufficient cash in the bank from work/Investments then do what you want.

• Once my DCs started school I remained a SAHM. I didn't have much time to myself though. My DCs school wouldn't have been able to function the way it did without the time SAHMs gave. I volunteered regularly listening to other people's children read, giving sewing sessions, providing cookery sessions, accompanying local trips (the little walks to the library, shops, church woods etc), taking groups of children to swimming lessons on the bus etc. I went in to help with refreshments for concerts etc. I gave lifts to children attending out of school/after school events for sport or music when their parents were still at work. It was usually the SAHMs who volunteered to help out with cubs and brownies etc - the extra outings or the special meetings*

This is how our primary functions too. I'm currently a SAHM (well actually, in some posters' opinion, an economically inactive drain on society) who volunteers in school twice a week (ex teacher), supports on school trips, has taken on a governor role and leads the kids' club at the church our school is attached to. In the last couple of years I've also increasingly been supporting two sets of elderly parents.

DD is now 7 and I haven't worked since she was born. We are lucky in that DP earns enough for us to live comfortably without me working, and having seen the negative impact of inattentive parenting during my years of a teacher I wanted to be around for DD's early years. Any return to work (and I do intend to return to work within the next couple of years, but not as a teacher) would be for me. We've never needed to claim any benefits, aren't eligible for any child benefit etc.

I have felt a little judged at times, especially by those school parents who constantly go on about their 'important jobs' and whinge about being too busy whenever the school makes a request for volunteers, while failing to understand that many of the nice trips, clubs and events that their children enjoy just wouldn't happen without those of us who spend our time propping them up. However, I look at how knackered, frazzled and chaotic some of these parents are, constantly juggling work life and home life (while often feeling guilty about both) and I wouldn't especially want their lives either.

I just wish we could all live and let live a little more, as long as one person's lifestyle choice doesn't impact on others.

Just tell them you are WFH doing admin for a family friend's business if it's a problem OP.

I mean what exactly can they gossip about?
What do they say?

All these sweeping statements about people. One of the most interesting and busiest people I have ever known has never had a salaried job. She got married straight out of school to a man who had a sister with Down Syndrome. As their parents were dead, she took on all the caring responsibilities of her SIL. She set up a local Riding for the Disabled group to help her SIL and other children like her and at 76, she still runs it. She has travelled internationally to help people set up RDA organisations in other countries, spoken at conferences, taken educational courses to help the group meet disabled children's needs better and she CAN'T retire because there is no one she knows able to take her place and do it full time as they are either working or have caring duties to children or parents. I know there are not many people like her but honestly, there are plenty of dull, lazy people in work as there at home. You should treat people as you find them and not instantly dismiss them because they do not tick a certain box. As @TempsPerdu said, live and let live.

I never said ‘I think’ in the last sentence when explaining how other parents may feel at the gates.

I accept the final sentence may have caused some confusion and I, perhaps, should have started a new paragraph to make it clear I was talking two separate issues. Poor formatting on my part (typing and walking is hard) 😁

If you’re interested in my view - personally, I don’t really care at all. Although I find it dishonest and disingenuous to try and label yourself as a SAHM when your kids are in full time education (which is my gripe with the table of SAHMs).

Volunteering is a hobby. When you don't make money or you make so little money you cant support yourself, it is a hobbie: You are economically dependent.

Working from home just means you are working in a different setting to the office: You are economically independent.

You obviously do care, you've taken the time and effort to reply several times. That's a bit dishonest and disingenuous of you to claim you aren't at all bothered, and surely it's the honesty that you really value, right??

Backpedalling at its finest.

It's just jealousy and sour grapes. And I say that as someone who could not afford to be a SAHM.

That’s assuming that all women secretly want to be SAHM’s though which simply isn’t true.

I care enough to reply because the reading skills of the average mumsnetter leaves much to be desired 😁But we’ll have to agree to disagree

That's why I said I know I'm lucky. I was just responding to the PP who said it couldn't be done.

Agree to disagree on what?

You win the sweeping statement award for that last sentence.

That’s some expert level back-pedalling there 😂
formatting my arse.

Not really.

Do I wonder why their partners are with them? No. But I know people who do. Just because I explained why people might judge doesn’t mean I judge. I just dislike the claiming to be stay at home mothers or fathers.

I know. That's why I said I was lucky. I was just responding to the PP who said it couldn't be done.

Why won't you answer the question of why you became a SAHM?

@nappyvalley1992 Didnt fit in why?

@Katielovesteatime But they are with their child more if you work full time, surely?
They drop them at 9 on average, pick up 3.15?

i dunno, maybe because it's none of your business.

You choose not to work when your kids are in school - you're unemployed. Being a parent isn't a job nor is being a housewife - it's just life.

Exactly this