Page 12 | Stay at home mum of 1 child? Frowned upon?

Spudulanky · 2024-09-11T08:15:56+00:00

Why do other people/mums care?! The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why?? honestly why???

rosesareredvioletsareblueaimverytiredandsoareyou · 11/09/2024 14:26

theduchessofspork · 11/09/2024 12:56

I didn't say it was. But I can express an opinion on the job description someone uses, as much as they can chose what job description to use.

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Without meaning to sound cheeky, your opinion on how someone defines themselves isn't really relevant.

EI12 · 11/09/2024 14:28

EI12 · 11/09/2024 11:26

Jealousy. I am the main breadwinner and I feel jealous of sah mums. I wish I could do that, but for financial reasons, I can't. Ignore them and enjoy your previous time with your dc!

Bloody autocorrect - precious, not previous.

mewkins · 11/09/2024 14:32

Leavesandacorns · 11/09/2024 14:23

But working mums don't do what SAHP do, SAHP generally look after their children for much longer during the week, or at least those that work full time do.

Many working parents that I know aren't home until after 6pm, meaning they spend around 3 hours less per week day caring for their children (and that's ignoring before school clubs etc that many have to use). Then there's all the school holidays to consider.

Then, unless you're lucky enough to outsource a big chunk of domestic jobs, you have less quality time on evenings/weekends because all the things a SAHP does throughout the week still need to be done.

I plan to return to part time work when my youngest is 3. I'm lucky that this is a choice for me, and that it will allow us to save more for their future and provide a nicer lifestyle for them growing up, but I can't kid myself that I'm not sacrificing parenting time to do so.

OP, I think people judge because it makes them uncomfortable about their own parenting decisions. But people will judge whatever you decide to do, so you may as well do what works best for your family.

A lot depends on job flexibility. I work remotely and my hours are very flexible (you can do school hours and then work later on when the kids are at activities etc). My whole organisation is like this and the organisation I left two years ago was the same. Obviously different if you have to go into an office.

I use my annual leave during school holidays, as does the kids' dad.

Also as kids get older (my youngest is soon to move to secondary) you're 'needed' less and less. I don't outsource anything but manage to stay on top of housework.. it might actually be easier that I'm the only adult in the house 😆

Interestingly, my daughter used the term 'tradwife' (in an American accent) the other day to describe I guess what we used to call a housewife.

Marchingonagain · 11/09/2024 14:33

Harvestfestivalknickers · 11/09/2024 10:04

Yes, I wouldn't describe you as a SAHM if your child is at school.

How would you describe her then?

Girlslikepearls · 11/09/2024 14:33

redracoon · 11/09/2024 14:11

Agreed that once kids are at school SAHM just means you're unemployed by choice. I might silently judge you a little bit if I hear you claiming to be 'so busy' each day doing all the stuff that working mums do on top of their jobs or claiming you're doing it for the sake of your kids as if it's some big sacrifice, but each to their own and as long as you're not claiming benefits and your DH can support the family on one salary then I wouldn't really care.

The word 'unemployed' is being used emotionally here as a criticism.

There isn't a medal for being employed if one parent earns enough.

It would be better to say 'working for money'.

Many women who don't work for money, do a lot of volunteering. (Who do you think runs all those food banks, for example?)

If you look at other parts of MN there are zillions of threads about when can I afford to retire and how I hate my job.

I've not done a poll but my guess is that at least 50% of the working population don't enjoy the work they do.

They do it to pay the mortgage which now usually requires 2 incomes.

Most women are not in fulfilling jobs that are a career.
They do unskilled, low paid work which means they can finish at 3pm, or work half days or shifts, because they want to spend more time with their children. Or because they are not qualified to pursue a 'career'.

CoffeeLover90 · 11/09/2024 14:37

I get judged for being a single mum who works full time.
I'm single because the ex was an abusive shit. And even if I did want to meet someone else, I've no babysitter.
I work full time because on part time wages our lifestyle wasn't great. No days out, holidays were just a dream. Now I can give DS the experiences his peers have. Yet their parents judge me for not attending meet ups, clubs, school governors meetings etc.
We're judged no matter what we do. Accept it, do what's best for you and your family and learn to ignore it.

banoffeelover · 11/09/2024 14:37

I'll admit to judging a SAHM recently. Like me she's part of the PTA committee and like me she volunteed for one of the committee roles. She was allocated the busiest role and then proceeded to moan about it. However, seeing as she's the only non working PTA member (hasn't worked for 10 years), has had 2 DC in school FT for the past 3 years, and is married to a very wealthy man, I'm thinking if anyone deserves to have the busiest role it's her.

Why should another working mum dedicate her evenings to carrying out a role, when she has her feet up all day (she has a cleaner and openly admits to having her feet up most days)?

rainsofcastamere · 11/09/2024 14:42

CoffeeLover90 · 11/09/2024 14:37

I get judged for being a single mum who works full time.
I'm single because the ex was an abusive shit. And even if I did want to meet someone else, I've no babysitter.
I work full time because on part time wages our lifestyle wasn't great. No days out, holidays were just a dream. Now I can give DS the experiences his peers have. Yet their parents judge me for not attending meet ups, clubs, school governors meetings etc.
We're judged no matter what we do. Accept it, do what's best for you and your family and learn to ignore it.

Ah don't worry about those people! I don't join meet ups, clubs or the governors, not because I don't have time but because I'd rather have an eye out. I work full time not because I have to but because I want nice things, for me, for my son. Holidays, clothes, shoes, experiences. My DH & I both earn well, his wage covers the bills and mine covers the fun stuff!

Marchingonagain · 11/09/2024 14:43

PilgorTheGoat · 11/09/2024 11:37

Wow, the bitchiness is alive and well on this thread!

I’m a stay at home mum to 3 school aged children. I’m not “just unemployed”. My eldest has ASD and cannot cope with wrap around care. I could seek employment between 9.30am and 3pm each day but I choose not to as it works best for my family for me to be available.

I’m available for the kids if they’re poorly, I’m available for therapy and hospital appointments. I’m available for school masses, assemblies, shows and sport competitions. I’m available to help in school with reading or on school trips. I’m available to volunteer within the community both in school and out. I’m available to help elderly relatives with shopping and medical appointments.

I may be “economically inactive” but I take care of my financial needs. A lot of these SAHM’s people sneer at keep the wider community going with various unpaid roles and responsibilities.

Haha agreed. I’m not ‘unemployed’ either. To add to your list there’s also school holidays, and I do volunteering and studying. It’s also nice for the family to have a bit of ‘give’ as and when friends/extended family need it, rather than everyone being run into the ground

redracoon · 11/09/2024 14:50

@Girlslikepearls no medal for being employed but someone needs to pay taxes to support the huge number of people not working or under employed in the UK so yes, as a top rate tax payer I am resentful of those who take from the system and contribute nothing (extreme sickness/disability etc aside). As I said, if your husband is a high earner and you're not claiming benefits (either now or if you split up in the future as PP mentioned) then by all means be a SAHM. However I don't know any SAHMs who volunteer in their spare time other than at their kids' schools, in fact it's my single / child free friends who regularly volunteer for food banks and the like, on top of working full time jobs.

WhiteLily1 · 11/09/2024 14:51

Soldieringnonosoldiershere · 11/09/2024 13:50

OP it’s pure jealousy and guilt. People will scorn and dress it up in all sorts of negative ways but it’s jealousy and guilt

ah you’ve nailed it @WhiteLily1 every woman that works is a jealous guilty mess…..

If working women "worry" about the poor SAHMs and their lack of social skills, conversation topics, or addled little brains, i'd throw that back at them and ask how on earth they are going to cope with retirement? What could they possibly have to discuss then?

excellent point @KnottedTwine. As soon as my parents retired I DID notice their world decrease even though they’re very active/ go away a lot. I think having the brain not challenged on a daily basis can make it a bit lazy. They became far more insular and discussed local topics and neighbours far more. It’s a recognised phenomenon not accounted for by age.

added to that I am not ‘worried’ by the things you state. I just don’t want to spend time with people whose primary source of fulfilment is making home as that doesn’t interest me. It obviously does others so fair dos.

The ones that criticise others perfectly valid choices are yes. Those that are happy and fulfilled don’t put down others. That goes both ways.

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 11/09/2024 14:52

Because if your kid is in school you’re not a stay at home mum. You’re a stay at home wife. Let’s be honest about what it is. Too often SAHW try and dress it up. Be honest.

It does not take all day whilst your child is out to do life admin, clean etc. Many single parents manage full time work, cleaning and caring for a child around their job. It’s not jealousy from working parents, it’s often sheer confusion how anyone can be content being funded by someone else and not doing things…and how their partner can want to be with someone like that tbh

Foxxo · 11/09/2024 14:55

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 11/09/2024 14:52

Because if your kid is in school you’re not a stay at home mum. You’re a stay at home wife. Let’s be honest about what it is. Too often SAHW try and dress it up. Be honest.

It does not take all day whilst your child is out to do life admin, clean etc. Many single parents manage full time work, cleaning and caring for a child around their job. It’s not jealousy from working parents, it’s often sheer confusion how anyone can be content being funded by someone else and not doing things…and how their partner can want to be with someone like that tbh

Edited

'wife' 'partner' why is there the assumption we're all married.
i'm happily divorced thanks.
my ex does fuck all to contribute to the caring or parenting i do for my disabled kids.

SpiderPlanter · 11/09/2024 14:56

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 11/09/2024 14:52

Because if your kid is in school you’re not a stay at home mum. You’re a stay at home wife. Let’s be honest about what it is. Too often SAHW try and dress it up. Be honest.

It does not take all day whilst your child is out to do life admin, clean etc. Many single parents manage full time work, cleaning and caring for a child around their job. It’s not jealousy from working parents, it’s often sheer confusion how anyone can be content being funded by someone else and not doing things…and how their partner can want to be with someone like that tbh

Edited

That makes no sense.

Why would it be wife? If you aren’t a stay at home mum because your kids are at school then by your logic you can’t be a stay at home wife because your husband is at work? You’d just be a stay at home person.

I would say they’re still a stay at home mum. They’re still mums, that’s doesn’t change. If one person call themselves a ‘working mum’ then others can say ‘stay at home mum’. Other people can define themselves however they feel.

WhiteLily1 · 11/09/2024 14:56

Girlslikepearls · 11/09/2024 14:33

The word 'unemployed' is being used emotionally here as a criticism.

There isn't a medal for being employed if one parent earns enough.

It would be better to say 'working for money'.

Many women who don't work for money, do a lot of volunteering. (Who do you think runs all those food banks, for example?)

If you look at other parts of MN there are zillions of threads about when can I afford to retire and how I hate my job.

I've not done a poll but my guess is that at least 50% of the working population don't enjoy the work they do.

They do it to pay the mortgage which now usually requires 2 incomes.

Most women are not in fulfilling jobs that are a career.
They do unskilled, low paid work which means they can finish at 3pm, or work half days or shifts, because they want to spend more time with their children. Or because they are not qualified to pursue a 'career'.

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Totally agree. The hate towards SAHM and sneering no you arnt a SAHM you are ‘unemployed’ (said in a righteous tone whilst looking down nose)
is horrible.

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 11/09/2024 14:57

Foxxo · 11/09/2024 14:55

'wife' 'partner' why is there the assumption we're all married.
i'm happily divorced thanks.
my ex does fuck all to contribute to the caring or parenting i do for my disabled kids.

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I mean ‘wife’ ‘partner’ is semantics isn’t it? And I did say single parents aside - the post was clearly aimed at people in relationships, where both are present, with children and one of them doesn’t work whilst the kids are in school. Nothing to do with your situation which is clearly different.

Not sure why you felt the need to get snarky with me…

SpiderPlanter · 11/09/2024 14:57

I think one thing we can derive from this thread is that it doesn’t matter what you do, someone is going to have an issue with it.

Don’t work? People judge
Work part time? People judge
Work full time? People judge

It’s piss poor to be honest, and not very feminist either.

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 11/09/2024 14:58

SpiderPlanter · 11/09/2024 14:56

That makes no sense.

Why would it be wife? If you aren’t a stay at home mum because your kids are at school then by your logic you can’t be a stay at home wife because your husband is at work? You’d just be a stay at home person.

I would say they’re still a stay at home mum. They’re still mums, that’s doesn’t change. If one person call themselves a ‘working mum’ then others can say ‘stay at home mum’. Other people can define themselves however they feel.

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SAHM implies there’s child care all day. There isn’t if the kids are in school all day.

SAHM before kids are in full time education is very different to someone whose children are in full time education and they still don’t worry - that person is, in my opinion, more accurately classified as a SAHW

RuggedHairyTortoise · 11/09/2024 14:58

ETA I posted too soon and changed my mind about posting anyway.

SouthLondonMum22 · 11/09/2024 14:59

Househundred · 11/09/2024 13:38

And someone who works full time is not parenting full time either. School is only 9-3, childcare is outsourced somewhere.

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That was my point.

SpiderPlanter · 11/09/2024 14:59

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 11/09/2024 14:58

SAHM implies there’s child care all day. There isn’t if the kids are in school all day.

SAHM before kids are in full time education is very different to someone whose children are in full time education and they still don’t worry - that person is, in my opinion, more accurately classified as a SAHW

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But their husband is at work so they’re not ‘caring’ for him either.

Your ‘logic’ is entirely illogical. It makes no sense at all.

rosesareredvioletsareblueaimverytiredandsoareyou · 11/09/2024 15:01

redracoon · 11/09/2024 14:50

@Girlslikepearls no medal for being employed but someone needs to pay taxes to support the huge number of people not working or under employed in the UK so yes, as a top rate tax payer I am resentful of those who take from the system and contribute nothing (extreme sickness/disability etc aside). As I said, if your husband is a high earner and you're not claiming benefits (either now or if you split up in the future as PP mentioned) then by all means be a SAHM. However I don't know any SAHMs who volunteer in their spare time other than at their kids' schools, in fact it's my single / child free friends who regularly volunteer for food banks and the like, on top of working full time jobs.

It's not up to you what other people do though, no matter how you feel about it. You also have no idea how some people might contribute to society because they're private about it.

rosesareredvioletsareblueaimverytiredandsoareyou · 11/09/2024 15:01

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 11/09/2024 14:52

Because if your kid is in school you’re not a stay at home mum. You’re a stay at home wife. Let’s be honest about what it is. Too often SAHW try and dress it up. Be honest.

It does not take all day whilst your child is out to do life admin, clean etc. Many single parents manage full time work, cleaning and caring for a child around their job. It’s not jealousy from working parents, it’s often sheer confusion how anyone can be content being funded by someone else and not doing things…and how their partner can want to be with someone like that tbh

Edited

Are you always confused by folk who don't make exactly the same choices as you?

WhiteLily1 · 11/09/2024 15:01

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 11/09/2024 14:52

Because if your kid is in school you’re not a stay at home mum. You’re a stay at home wife. Let’s be honest about what it is. Too often SAHW try and dress it up. Be honest.

It does not take all day whilst your child is out to do life admin, clean etc. Many single parents manage full time work, cleaning and caring for a child around their job. It’s not jealousy from working parents, it’s often sheer confusion how anyone can be content being funded by someone else and not doing things…and how their partner can want to be with someone like that tbh

Edited

Because some people have no family support when the child is ill or no wrap around care and can’t find 9-3 work. Maybe they are the only person to take and collect their children each day. Maybe their wages don’t cover the school holidays or they have multiple children and childcare in the holidays would be incredibly expensive.
maybe they want to be around for assemblies and sports days and the hundred other things schools ask you to come in for. Maybe their child needs hospital or medical appointments and there is no one else to take them!
But no, all those things arnt being a SAHM mum then in your opinion?

Go on then, enlighten us with your wisdom and tell us how you manage to do all those things working full time?

krustykittens · 11/09/2024 15:03

"It’s not jealousy from working parents, it’s often sheer confusion how anyone can be content being funded by someone else and not doing things…and how their partner can want to be with someone like that tbh"

Wow. Olympic level sneering, right there. I don't think anyone else went as far as questioning why the partners of SAHM would even want to be with them