Stay at home mum of 1 child? Frowned upon?

[Spudulanky]

Why do other people/mums care?!

The child is school age.. its gossiped about.. but why??

honestly why???

@Bumpitybumper it’s not that black-and-white. Lots of people can think of lots of things they would like to do and fill their time with. I don’t have any hobbies. I can think of a few things that I would like to do/learn HOWEVER I can imagine that as a stay at home parent unless my husband earned absolutely loads, money would be an issue for that as most hobbies and opportunities to learn cost money. I did get bored staying at home because my ex-husband did not earn enough for me to take on several hobbies that cost money nor did he earn enough money for me to swan around having coffee and lunches all day every day. So what else was I supposed to do? I’m not gonna sit at home staring at the ceiling. That’s not what I was made for. I can do a lot more and the best way that I could do that was through work.

I really wish that people would realise that it’s not that black-and-white and what fits one person does not fit another!! Yes there are people out there who thrive in the workplace and yes I understand there are people out there who try being at home!! Each to their own.

It would depend on why you’re a SAHP. If it’s because partner supports the household without reliance on UC or that the SAHP or dc has disabilities then understandable.

If SAHP because through a quirk they’re getting the same via UC as they would via work then yes, I do begrudge those people.

Would you also have these unpleasant thoughts towards all the countless people working hard in perfectly respectable but dead end jobs? Being stuck in the rat race does not equal ambition.

It depends what time you come home and what your job is.

My DH was never home before 7pm. He wasn't going to cook the kids' dinner at that time or do housework.

My kids arrived home at 3.30 and there was no way anyone working full time could be home then.

What time do you finish work? Must be before 4pm.

And when they were little, there were very few childminders, nurseries or even an after school club.

I do. I work from home and just make up the time/use lunch breaks. I'm available for sick days, have never missed a school play etc. I work around my kids' schedules. If I have to take DD to gymnastics (which is 4 times a week), for example, I can carry on working in the gym cafe for half an hour or so after I've dropped her off. I've even been known to work in the car. I know I'm lucky to have a flexible job, but a lot of employers encourage a better work/life balance now.

@middleagedandinarage I can honestly say I that would be my idea of hell. I had a taste of it on mat leave and I was SO bored. I became obsessed with the house being clean and resented being the person responsible for all the cooking and cleaning. It's drudgery, not satisfying.

Anyway - my child's school still seems to operate on the assumption there's a SAHM in every family, so it can't be that uncommon.

iWhen I was a SAHM I was the most fulfilled, outgoing, involved, happiest, 'sparky and curious' I've ever been! I was almost never at home

But many on here are saying they have to stay at home to do cleaning, bleaching the house, cooking, laundry. If you’re not at home you’re not a homemaker, I’d say.

and you don’t have to start a threat with ‘are you okay’ passive aggressiveness. Just write the post without it. I really hope people on here in their real lives don’t talk like this to others they don’t agree with!

Surely you appreciate that the vast majority of the population do not have 'careers' - they have jobs.

Working in a shop, an admin role, a call centre, a TA in a school, etc are not careers. And- unequal as it may be- they are mainly done by women - who often want the flexible hours they can have.

Absolutely this. You can make it work if you stop with all the excuses and justifications

@ImthatBoleyngirl ditto. Pick up 2-3 times a week (her dad does the rest) and never missed a recital or a play. Best of both worlds.

But there are many jobs where someone simply couldn't work in a gym cafe or a car! Many people need to be in the office, factory, hospital, school, talking to the CEO in a board meeting, etc.

Exactly, this is my point! Did you mean to quote wallywobbles rather than me?

Human nature.

I'd love to know how a nurse, teacher, doctor, dentist, lawyer, sales asst, etc etc can work from their car.

Get real.

Most people who can do the things mentioned here are doing some kind of admin role and not interfacing with others.

I did! Sorry! I thought their post was quoted too.

That’s great! I think most people would carry on working if they had a job like yours. But surely you realise that your job is still very unusual to be that flexible even these days?

@Wallywobbles You need to be a bit better informed.

I know several women/parents who are highly qualified as scientists, vets, who decided to take other more menial jobs while their children were young, so they could be around more. Even my own dentist who LOVES her job works part time.

Agreed that once kids are at school SAHM just means you're unemployed by choice. I might silently judge you a little bit if I hear you claiming to be 'so busy' each day doing all the stuff that working mums do on top of their jobs or claiming you're doing it for the sake of your kids as if it's some big sacrifice, but each to their own and as long as you're not claiming benefits and your DH can support the family on one salary then I wouldn't really care.

Some families choose to give their children that support etc/ take part in community activities etc. It's not anyone else's business. My children with additional needs have needed more support with school than others their age, as a necessity for their good. Again, nobody's actual business but ours, when people have asked I've only ever said it's our decision. As for asking about our finances, fortunately noone has been that bloody rude!

again, i know i'm coming from the perspective of having a disabled child.

I'd love to know how those of you telling mums they're not a SAHM because their kids are at school would cope if you had to keep having to leave work early because school rang and needed you to come in, or have a day off because your child won't go in, or a morning off every week to take your kid to therapy, then the other afternoons at odd times for drs appointments?

How about EVERY holiday, PD day, half term because no holiday club will take them because of their needs?

I only got to be a 'carer' because my kid ended up qualifying for DLA/PIP and i got awarded Carers Allowance.

There are plenty of parents of disabled kids out there who don't qualify for it.

Those parents are not 'unemployed' tyvm.

No idea how these parents hood down jobs during the holidays tbh there's certainly very little uptake of holiday clubs near me.

I completely agree that what people choose to do with their own families, isn't anybody else's business.
Except that it often ends up becoming so.

Divorce and SAHM struggling to get back to work... Needing help in the form of benefits.
Not building up pension, in old age, again claims from the taxpayer.

I'm not saying it's always this way. And in many cases SAHM taking care of kids with additional needs etc are saving the taxpayer money, as carers they deserve far more than what they get.

But the rest just want an easier life. It's ok if your husband is a millionaire or earns 6 figures, enough to keep you in comfort until the grave. Or you stay married. Otherwise it's us poor working sods who have to foot the bill.

Even a PT job keeps one economically active, earning pensions contributions etc.

Very few families can actually afford a SAHM at full cost. They just don't think long term.

Imagine actually thinking that everyone can do this 😂😂😂

Absolutely, I work part time and still feel like I'm being judged sometimes for not working enough or having a proper 'career'. You really can't win, you just have to do what's right for you.

But working mums don't do what SAHP do, SAHP generally look after their children for much longer during the week, or at least those that work full time do.

Many working parents that I know aren't home until after 6pm, meaning they spend around 3 hours less per week day caring for their children (and that's ignoring before school clubs etc that many have to use). Then there's all the school holidays to consider.

Then, unless you're lucky enough to outsource a big chunk of domestic jobs, you have less quality time on evenings/weekends because all the things a SAHP does throughout the week still need to be done.

I plan to return to part time work when my youngest is 3. I'm lucky that this is a choice for me, and that it will allow us to save more for their future and provide a nicer lifestyle for them growing up, but I can't kid myself that I'm not sacrificing parenting time to do so.

OP, I think people judge because it makes them uncomfortable about their own parenting decisions. But people will judge whatever you decide to do, so you may as well do what works best for your family.