DP wants a baby at 50, I don't.

[SherylAnn]

Backstory : I have three children already under 10, late 40s. New partner of 1 year (50) who I love. He has admitted he wants children of his own. I want to let him go but he wants me still. How can I make the relationship work without more children

A. If he wants his own children, wtf has he been doing for the last 25 years??

B. If he's only recently decided he wants them, then surely he knows he needs a 10 years or younger woman. (And even 10 yrs would be pushing it, given the maternal & paternal ages).
Most women, in terms of egg quality, are effectively infertile by 45.
There are outliers of course, but the chances are extremely low and the risks are increasing every year.

C.. if he wants his own children, with no use of a sperm donor; he appears to be ignorant about the risks of older sperm too; like raised incidence of autism in kids if the father's over 50, raised risk of disorders like schizophrenia, the older the father.

Those are difficult enough for parents with no other kids to navigate, let alone someone with 3 kids already.

He needs someone considerably younger, and he'd still be taking some risks using his own sperm.

If the relationship with the mother breaks down, the typical set up is for the mother to be the resident parent and main carer, that's who usually shoulders the burden of additional needs.

He's in cloud cuckoo land, if he wants kids (at 50!!!) he should not have gotten into a relationship with a late 40s woman.

This is why single parents should stick to dating other single parents.

Just tell him to Google male fertility. He's delusional.

I couldn't and wouldn't date someone this dumb and out of touch with reality.

Plus I'd spend the entire time wondering when not if he'd leave me for someone younger who he'd upduffed

He seems delusional on four counts

1. That you'd be able to conceive and carry to term naturally at your age even if you wanted to
2. That the risk of issues for the baby wouldn't be problematically high
3. That this would be suitable for your existing family and
4. That at 50, with no children so far, he is cut out for fatherhood. A man who has left it that late to have kids is having them out of desperation or psychological lack or a misunderstanding of what is required of him as a father.

I mean, it’s his choice, in the reverse everyone would be saying to a woman to break up.

A lady I know was in this exact situation. She was 49. He ground her down and she caved. Was 50 at birth. The realities of having a baby and family kicked in pretty sharpish. He was gone before the baby was 6 months old, leaving her to cope with now 4 children.

Stop treating him as a serious relationship prospect! He's just someone to have a bit of no-strings fun with. He's keeping his options open, ready to leave you the second he finds a younger woman. 'But I always told you I wanted children of my own'.

It's fine for him to be belatedly weighing up fatherhood or not, but he has no business dragging you and your children into it. That's a red flag. Either he commits to having children of his own, and finds a woman of appropriate age; or he lets go of the idea entirely, and re-approaches you, ready to commit to you and yours.

His dilemma, his choice, his mess to resolve without tracking it through your life.

At the moment he doesn't even seem like step-father material to me.

Maybe you need a biology lesson.

He's had 50 years?

Can a newborn become a father?

For many people, not all, I have one very easy one!, the teenage years are the hardest. Small kids, small problems, Big kids, big problems.

Say you gave birth at 52. That puts your child at 15 when you are at retirement age 67. My dd has been far harder at 15 than she ever was before. So whilst yours peers are going off on their cruises and enjoying retirement and peace, you're getting up at 6.30 and trying to persuade your dc to go in to school today.

Get a coil fitted ASAP, have a Mirena, it can be part of your HRT if you start that. That's the part you can control.

*raised incidence of autism in kids if the father's over 40, that should have said

Wanting to have a baby when you've got noticeably lower fertility than someone younger doesn't make you delusional. If a 38 year old OP was saying she wanted a child would you call her delusional?

Men in their fifties father children all the time. Dave Grohl has just fathered a child at 55 and he wasn't even trying. Wouldn't be my choice of coparent but if he's decent looking and solvent (albeit not in Dave Grohl's league) then he could very likely find a woman in her late thirties who wants to have children with him. It's a reasonable goal.

Wanting to have children with the OP who is in her late forties and firmly doesn't want more children really is delusional however.

How does he envisage the relationship going if you can't conceive, or have a severely disabled child?

Your ship hasn't sailed because you have children and don't want another .
His has , let him worry about it.
You don't need to. Not your problem .

This is all a bit heavy for a relationship of this length. He needs to back off.

If a woman was in her 40s yes I would. If you leave trying for children think you are realistically too old to have them, you're delusional. I know life doesn't always work out how you plan, but there comes a point when you have to accept facts.

The particular issue in this situation is that the man is with a woman who is also too old, and doesn't want more kids! This guy is being ridiculous.

Perhaps this completely unrealistic idea is his way of keeping one foot out the door on your relationship?

Plenty will if he's wealthy

Oh, you know what I mean, @Girlslikepearls. 🙄

He's been an adult for 32 years. He's had all that time to think about dc and find the right person.

Sorry OP, there's no good answer to this.

You don't want another child. You're unlikely to be able to have one naturally anyway but the fact you don't want one should be enough.

He wants a child, he needs to go off and find someone to have a child with.

If he protests he doesn't want to end the relationship, then he needs to accept that there will be no babies with you. If he can't do that, relationship is done anyway.

What is his relationship history? Why has he not had DC earlier? Is he ignorant about reproductive health?

He's hoping naturally. I think that its not possible given medical factors

You know what? I don't think he does want a child at 50.
If he had felt that way, he has had years to act upon his wishes.
I think he is asking the very unlikely, or the impossible, in order to have a get out clause if he meets 'someone better', or a stick with which to sadly beat you
' I would have liked children, but SherylAnn can't have/won't have them...' cue sad face and sigh.
I would get rid of him for a whole different reason.
Has he moved in yet?

It's mad he's got to 50 and decided he wants to be a parent.

Women don't have that luxury.

@AbsolutelyRagingMad

But younger women can get younger partners, why would they want to conceive with a man who'll be drawing his pension when they are teens?

Realistically the ship has sailed on all fronts

Biologically it’s not going to happen for you even if you wanted it to.

He could find someone else but the chances of him finding a 35 year old looking to have a baby with a 50 year old man are really rather slim.