DP wants a baby at 50, I don't.

[SherylAnn]

Backstory : I have three children already under 10, late 40s. New partner of 1 year (50) who I love. He has admitted he wants children of his own. I want to let him go but he wants me still. How can I make the relationship work without more children

Urgh I so agree with this. If children were that important to him, he should have thought about it a bit earlier. You've only been together a year! You have no idea what he'd be like as a father and if he is this impulsive then he is likely to go off the idea just as quickly when he realises how much hard work it is.

You'd only have a 20yr old at 70 :o - he needs to look forward to the later stages of raising a teen when you are both in your 60s. Wanting to retire and relax but having to pick teens up at 2am and things like that.

She should show him the door

Does he have any close-up experience of birth or early years say, from a sister or younger siblings.
I am moving my thinking on to the effects on him and what will change in his lifestyle if he does father a child in say 2 years time. We saw the drudgery of it in an older friend. He stuck it out but it was very tough on him.

I think it shows unpleasant things about a character, generally, if a man has waited till 50 then wants a baby.

Entitlement.

Selfishness.

Delusion

Chances are he's had relationships in his twenties/thirties/forties where his then partner has wanted babies due to the biological clock. And he thought 'nah, tough, I'm happy having fun, I'll sort that later.' Not caring about their biological clock, thus selfish, and assuming a younger woman would have him when he fancied it, thus entitled.

He sounds selfish and like he just wants his line to continue. Having a 10 year old at 60. Great for the kid, daddy is going have so much energy to play with and look after his child. I'd question whether he is completely self absorbed. Don't have children with him and make sure you are in control of birth control.

Sick of these pathetic men who dick around for decades and then think they can casually jump on the kids bandwagon at the last minute

This. He sounds selfish. And you've only been together a year. Has he not seen how busy you are with 3 young DC already? He sounds completely incompatible and you need to cut him loose.

The most important thing is that both people want the same thing.

You two don't.

Well to be blunt he has picked the wrong woman then hasn't he? Does he not realise how small the chance is of you managing to conceive naturally and because of your ages then carrying a healthy baby to full term? Or is he willing and able to fork out for IVF etc seeing as you are the one having to go through the procedures and hormones. Even if you wanted a baby at all, nevermind one with a man you ve known for a year, nevermind the upheaval on your own kids this soon into a relationship how exactly does he see the baby happening.
And tbh though I know there are amazing older dads I'd be very worried about him liking the idea of a baby but checking out or even leaving the relationship if a tiny person arrives. It's difficult to make the adjust to having to put the baby first at any age but a 50 Yr old man that s only had to work around himself and the adult he is going out with? I think that is a massive risk to take, leaving yourself raising a child into your 60s.

Sick of these pathetic men who dick around for decades and then think they can casually jump on the kids bandwagon at the last minute

What a horrible assumption when you have know idea why.

I know a few men who aren't fathers.
None of them 'dicked' around.

In most cases, they were divorced (not through their own choice) or simply didn't meet anyone - or if they did, the women (like the OP) felt too old.

You can’t make it work unless he decides he doesn’t want children. Are you 50 too?

Well you've given him the choice, it's now his choice to choose you or a fictional baby. If you had the conversation at the beginning of the relationship he needs to respect your feelings about the subject.

I'm 38 and jonathan knight from nkotb is 55 and I still would 😋 his husband might have something to say though 🤣

Well, he can have "children of his own" if you get married and he becomes a stepdad. We need to stop entertaining the idea that you can marry with children and the new parent can be held at arm's length and absolved from having to form relationships with these young people who are forced to live with them. If "its not the same as his having biological children", then it is an admission that the idea of YOUR existing children isn't fulfilling or prioritized. I know its a harsh way to see it, but if any man wanted to have children with me, I'd have to ask him how much he knows the children already in the room. They deserve to be more than attachments to you. As an aside, having babies in my 50's is the stuff of nightmares! lol

Generally speaking, a 1 year relationship is too soon to be planning a child.
You presumably don't live together so how do you know you're compatible long term.
Your body is less suitable for pregnancy and childbirth than it was 10 years ago.
The higher risk of a difficult birth.
The higher risk of the child having additional needs
The impact of a baby on your existing children who hardly know your DP.
The impact on your career.
The impact on finances.
Practical arrangements (space in the home etc).
Why hasn't he had any children before?
You'll have less energy to parent.
You'll be early 60s with a teen. Not necessarily a problem, but your own health might not be as robust as it is now and you'll have less emotional capacity for the tricky teen years.

Most importantly, you don't want another baby.

That's all there is to it. He accepts that and ends the discussion for good. Or he leaves because he was never the man for you.

Let him go.

Jesus he sounds selfish. Does he have any idea of what you are likely to have to go through in order to have a baby naturally? Not to mention your age being a factor. I'm 40 and my 4 year old is killing me off. And the MOST important factor is you don't want another baby!

Just throw him back to find someone else. Even if he wants it to work, he will be doing it with either a) the hope you will change your mind or b) resenting you.

He was incredibly stupid to get with a woman of your age and background (ie, already having children) if he had always wanted his own kids.

That's harsh. He may have desperately wanted children but it didn't happen. OP didn't say that he hadn't prioritised it earlier in his life

OP, your position is clear. I think DP is the one who needs to think hard what he wants to do

It's not happening. Tell him to do a bit of research on the chances of conception and continuing a pregnancy at 50. He obviously hasn't a clue.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's equally clueless about what's involved in looking after a baby and raising a child.

I think he's being quite manipulative- he wants you to have a baby in your late 40s when you already have children after only a year of dating and when you expressed no and suggested the relationship wont work he starts off with the "but I want to be with YOU" stuff. So, basically the only option he is open to is his plan isnt it? fck what you think about it.

It's emotionally manipulative. I also find it a bit strange he doesnt seem to recognise the difficulty of even getting pregnant in your late 40s and the health consequences for you of that. Does he not care or recognise those things?

Agreeing with others that you need to be extremely careful with your contraception. I come from a family where late 40s babies are not unusual and my great grandmother was 52 when she had her last. Very rare but not unknown.

I think he is utterly unreasonable to take up with a late 40s woman who has completed her family and then expect her to want a baby with him. I'd think about the future of this relationship in your situation, because there is no middle ground and the potential for great resentment down the line, yours or his.

I totally agree with this.

If the children are under 10 then he has the time and potential to form a close relationship with them if he's willing to put in the hard yards. Why isn't this his main focus?

You've been clear you don't want a baby.
You're very likely to be unable to conceive without intervention (unpleasant & intrusive for you).
There's an elevated risk of disabilities which would affect the baby, and have a huge affect on you and your existing children.
There's an elevated risk of lasting birth injury to you.
And again, you don't want to.

There's no debate to be had.
The man's either ignorant or delusional if he's serious.

This would be the most likely medical outcome if the OP did decide to give in and TTC with her DP. Getting pregnant isn't all that rare in your late forties, but carrying to term is a lot rarer. Having one or two miscarriages, with all the trauma and disruption that goes with them is the likely outcome. Nobody needs that while parenting three children.

He's a muppet. He's had 50 years. If kids were important to him, he should have had one years ago.

The risk of SN in babies is much higher at his age.

Tell him no. Or dump him.