DP wants a baby at 50, I don't.

[SherylAnn]

Backstory : I have three children already under 10, late 40s. New partner of 1 year (50) who I love. He has admitted he wants children of his own. I want to let him go but he wants me still. How can I make the relationship work without more children

Because I’m married to one and I’ve hung out on the partners with aspergers threads on MN for years where we’re all clinging to our mental health and many of us with autoimmune diseases after 20 odd years of marriage due to the stress we experience in the relationship. Yes it skews things a bit.

if it really were “just a sad, whimsical comment from time to time” and no pressure then you would not be giving it any more than a fleeting thought at the time

much, much less be posting on MN asking advice on how to “make it work”

I also agree with this. We all make whimsical comments about how we'd like our life to be from time to time eg, wanting more money, more holidays, wanting a bigger house. wishing we'd taken a different career path rather than the one we had etc None of those cause our partners to feel insecure.

I suspect there is more implied pressure than you say OP otherwise you wouldnt be posting about it. I agree with other PP- this isnt your problem, it's his to work through. If he has regrets about his life then only he can come to terms with that and its up to him to decide whether they matter enough for him to change the direction of his life now.

What isnt ok is for him to say he wants to stay with you, say he accepts your decision which is no, and then to carry on making comments about it. Thats really not fair. Either he accepts it and drops it or he does something about it. He cant have it both ways because you'll end up feeling resentful about it if he keeps going on about it and there is an implication of blame there that its you that is standing between him and his regret.

I don't like the sound of "determined to make it work" at all. You've known him a year, you seem to have a pretty fundamental incompatibility in that he's just realised, at 50 that he wants to have a baby. Yet he hasn't joined the dots that he's in a new relationship with a woman who is pushing 50 and has three young children already.

You have a family. That needs to be your priority. If at some point you meet someone who adds to all of your lives and can accept that they are incredibly luck to have been given a seat at your table, then fair enough.

You may feel that your determination can move mountains, and I hope for all your sakes that it does, but you might find that there's very little of yourself left at the end of it all. Check what you've got, don't give the house away for a man who is full of regret and is looking to you to fix things.

I’ve just seen your comment. I have chronic fatigue and husband, who clearly has traits… yes to him causing my mental health to take a terrible nose dive.

The Aspergers/NT threads are illuminating to say the least. I do recommend joining and discovering more.

I also feel days like I have chronic fatigue.

I know my life would have been very different if I’d had a NT DH and NT kids.

There is so little joy in my life now. It’s exhaustion and burnout from raising to kids alone a very inflexible, critical partner, who while lovely at times has no idea how detrimental he has been to our mental health. Kids included. He ignores them too.

Sorry meant to @ you @Mummyoflittledragon

Well he can't, can he? Not with you. You are too old and don't want another child.

If he's seriously finally decided at the age of 50 that he wants to become a father, he's probably left it too late. The quality of his sperm is likely to be poor and he basically needs to find a woman 20 years younger than him who wants his baby.

I don't rate his chances that high.

Thanks Mabs will poke my nose in at some stage. Life only runs smoothly when there is nothing for dh to think about apart from work. Got a lot going on with my teen dd right now…

You have my sympathy. DD and DS teens over here and it shouldn't be this hard. Having ND kids is like the sort of mental endurance test over decades, no one should have to go through ever. Can you keep your sanity? Erm, maybe not.

Very true, low chance of finding a willing& able partner multiplied by low chance of conceiving = little to no chance of him having his own lineage.

I remember there was a thread about older men regretting not having children before because there was a report in the press about it.
The reality is if you are a 50 year old man your partner is more than likely to be in their 40s.
They are highly likely to be menopausal,
struggle to conceive or done with having children.

I do know someone who had her first at 49 (ivf abroad) I don’t think it was a good choice personally.

You haven't said if he is actually grasping the fact that it's not just a question of him deciding that he now what's a baby, it's not even a question of you deciding you want one. Does he grasp the mechanics and practicalities of making this decision at your ages and the differences between conceiving now and ten or 20 years earlier (and that's aside from dealing with a busy, lack of sleep, toddler, school age, childcare, teens as you hit pension age, funding college on a pension etc)? Does he get how low the chances of his sperm and your eggs making a viable embryo without medical intervention are? How high the risks of miscarriage are? How increased the chances of the baby having Downs for instance? Like what is his actually plan for all this to happen even if you were willing? Or is this justsomething he is going to blame you for denying him down the line even though its not really in your power to give

@MILLYmo0se you're right, it's actually a bit immaterial whether he wants to have a baby with OP at some point (now only a year into the relationship, so now wouldn't be a great time presumably) because tha baby making window is closed. He might as well say he'd like OP to grow a pair of antlers or another set of arms, it's not going to happen however hard he wills it.

Which makes me think, that even if you were of an age to have another baby, it wouldn't be a particularly attractive option to have one with him, who hasn't grasped the facts of life by 50.

It's probably different for different people but there's something about being around people with a poor grasp of reality that makes me feel really on edge. I'd include a 50 year old wanting to have a baby with me in my late 40s in this.

Does he really not understand how fertility works? Does he not understand that the aging process is a real thing and not something you can put off by being "young at heart"?

Echoing other posters.
There is something very off with a 50+ year old man who has sailed through life. Progressing in his career and using all the advantages of being childfree who now thinks it’s actually ok to get someone pregnant at the age where most parents are becoming grandparents.
It’s tacky.
Why didn’t he settle down on his 20s and commit to his partner then? Why didn’t he sacrifice all that parents do then?
Why would he believe it’s a good idea now? With someone who clearly doesn’t want to do it again?
I think he is a bit thick to be honest. Sperm from a 50 plus make is very bad quality. He should know that.
He should also know that he should have made the effort and sacrifices earlier.
Absolutely nobody wants a senile old father. Imagine his child having their first child at 40. What use will this man be to them? That’s if they are still alive.
Contrary to the fairytale world which lots of MNers inhabit, 50 year old men do look too old to be parents of babies. They do not look like 30 year olds, ever. People would assume he is the grandad.
I’ve made that mistake May times in the past calling someone a child’s grandad and so has everyone of my colleagues. I tell them not to worry, the dad must be used to it. Most of them don’t even try and make an effort to look good either. I suppose being the parent of a baby/toddler makes you look even rougher.
I would dump him to be honest if he mentioned it again.
It would be a red flag. He must be very dense.

The point a pp made about people who have a poor grasp of reality is a really good one. My ex couldn't grasp the most basic things sometimes, it was bloody exhausting being with him, I was constantly managing him and trouble shooting. It was horrible.

A man makes passing comment about regreting not having his own children and he is literally made into psychopath, weirdo and serial killer 😂.

My ex nextdoor neighbour did. They'd been together for about 20 years with no children, told she was infertile . Had really bad problems with the menopause, it wasn't she was finally pregnant.

I doubt he really, practically wants a baby. It’s far easier to feel that you want something when it is not possible. The biological urge to reproduce is so strong for most people that they have babies despite not being in the perfect situation.
I think his expressed desire for a baby is more an expression of sadness that the opportunity is actually gone now. It is quite natural to feel sad even if it is not something he ever really wanted.

@Pacificisolated it's this really. I think it's the idea of children but he knows its too late for me and he doesn't want children enough to find someone else.

In terms of timing before, he wasn't messing around with life, more that he felt there was going to be a perfect time to have children (when financially stable in their own home and able to both manage childcare alongside their jobs).

Oh dear, op, has he realised that for most people the ‘perfect time’ never happens? When we are young enough we are skint, or single, or building careers and relationships. Few people have it all before say 30! Most not before middle age, by which point it is too late for babies!

I suspect he 'future faked' and potentially squandered the fertility of many women in the past by wasting their time. We've all seen these characters.

Not sure what his game is with you now though - keeping you on your toes worring he will run off with someone fertile or keeping you subjugated as you will always disappoint because you cant deliver?

I reckon call his bluff - tell him you want to go for it and say you want to crack on with IVF asap - what his micro-expressions.....

Hope I am wrong.

when financially stable in their own home and able to both manage childcare alongside their jobs

He doesnt sound very solvent if he hadn't reached this basic place in his life (like most of the population) by the age of 50....but somehow 12 months ago on eeting you it has all kerchinged into place?

Maybe its you who now has these assets - financially stable in their own home and able to both manage childcare alongside their jobs - and not him?

@5starzz he's very solvent - far more than myself. I have no concerns there. He just thought he had more time, then didnt, and now its too late.

I have female friends who were the same, hoping to meet the right person or delaying having kids till things were perfect - and then it was too late.

Good luck with it all. Keep prioritising your 3 young children and I hope that he enjoys them and the family life you create together.