DP wants a baby at 50, I don't.

[SherylAnn]

Backstory : I have three children already under 10, late 40s. New partner of 1 year (50) who I love. He has admitted he wants children of his own. I want to let him go but he wants me still. How can I make the relationship work without more children

Sick of these pathetic men who dick around for decades and then think they can casually jump on the kids bandwagon at the last minute - it’s so obvious they have no intention of rolling their sleeves up for equal parenting or they’d have done it years ago. Why does he get to throw a bomb in someone’s life and ruin their health?

I would ask him why it has taken him 30+ adult years to realise that he wants children and why did he pick to date someone who doesn't want/can't have them.

He's left it too late. Even with a female who is biologically able to have children he'd be mid 60s when they were teenagers. He needs to face facts. It's not likely that women 20 years younger would be queuing up either. To make your relationship work he needs to come to terms with the facts of life. Its probably coming to terms with his own mortality. You don't get everything.

Why did he wait till he was 50. Bloody hell that ship has sailed and sank .
I hope he comes to his senses for you op, it sounds like you really like him.

Even with a lot assistance is unlikely you'll get pregnant and carry to term at your age anyway

Playing devil's advocate, it's not impossible to become pregnant in your late 40s. There are a fair number of births every year to women that age and even up to early 50s (if you don't believe me, google it.)

You might be aware of Daniel Craig (over 50) and Rachel Weis (45-ish).

It's much harder, yes, and many of these births are 'accidental' because women thought they were too old and then thought their missed periods were menopause.

But it's not impossible.

I don't think it's right to tell anyone they are too old to have a child IF they really want one and they understand the significant risks of birth defects.

But the issue here is the couple don't want the same thing.
Two people who both really want a baby of their own- fine, get cracking.

But the OP doesn't.

It doesn’t really matter if it’s possible. You don’t want any.

Presumably for the same reason that women make that judgement about older women having a child- they didn't meet the right person.

You can't just conjure up a baby if you're not in a happy relationship.

He needs to accept he's never going to have a biological child. And he needs to grieve for the child he dreams of that will never happen.

Or he needs to find someone much younger than himself.

Celeb births cannot be compared to real life because they have help in the form of IVF, surrogates, donor eggs etc etc.

This.

If he started putting pressure on me or dropped comments about me changing my mind, I'd be gone.

He uas the same choice as every woman who finds herself in this position - wanting a baby with a man who doesn't - has.

Stay and accept no children or leave and hope to find someone else who also wants them.

That's all irrelevant and I'm sick and tired of people making judgements about older people. So what if he's in his 60s with teenagers?

Plenty of fathers were- Tony Blair, Daniel Craig, Gordon Brown, Mick Jagger, Rod Stewart - just ones that come to mind.

Men in their 60s are not all decrepit.

He's delusional. If he can't accept that your family is finished at three children then you either send him off or face a number of years of the topic coming up repeatedly and then resentment.

Thats what I thought too?

Celeb births cannot be compared to real life because they have help in the form of IVF, surrogates, donor eggs etc etc.

Very true

If the relationship breaks down, you'll be left with a baby close to 50 yrs old doing all the hard work again. No way would I agree to this.

If he's really keen on a child then he should formally adopt a baby or young toddler & raise the child himself. I bet you he won't be so keen on the idea if it means he'll have to do the hard work. There are plenty of children who need a home, why bring more into the world.

His attitude stinks of male privilege and entitlement. Why didn't he have a child earlier if he really wanted one?

Ok, but either way at 50 man or women it's time to move on .

My friend was in your exact position, she had very much left the baby days behind, got into a relationship with a man and made it very clear that babies were not on the agenda, which he seemed to have no issue with. They got married and from the next day decided he really wanted a baby, put a lot of pressure on her to have a baby (as did his mother!) and every month she'd reluctantly try. After 2 years, she's mid 40s and has had a few m/c and he is now saying that he doesn't think he can live without children and needs to part ways

Your language is a little strange. You seem to be looking for a middle ground between having a baby and not - there isn't one.

It is not impossible to get pregnant at your age but the likelihood of a healthy pregnancy, birth and baby are low, so he is actually asking you to risk your physical and mental health and even your life. Make damn sure your contraception is water tight.

I see no reason he couldn't meet a younger woman and have a baby, so if he wants one he can choose to leave. Obviously it's up to you if you want to continue the relationship knowing what you know, I'd expect him to continue to pressure you and maybe turn bitter long term.

I agree with others wondering if he has any understanding of what he's talking about here.

I have a friend who conceived (with a donor egg, obviously) at 50, because she had married a much younger man. She went into it fairly open eyed about the risks and she is a lovely mother, but she knows it could have been very sad. I'm currently thinking about TTC with a guy in his 50s and I sit up at nights getting freaked out by the stats on miscarriage and abnormalities and so on.

I mention those things so you can see I'm not just kneejerk responding. But you're not saying anything about him that suggests he has spent ages agonising over the practicalities - you just say he wants a baby. In my view, someone who was serious about this would have talked to you about how frightened he was or how worried he was, not just 'oh I want a baby'. Wanting isn't enough.

I am not in the least suggesting he ought to be able to talk you round if he did enough due diligence on this subject - not at all! You've made your decision; it's the sensible one in this context; he should respect it. But honestly, for his own sake he also needs to do all the research (which, sorry, women typically do) into how difficult and fraught and likely painful and futile this whole process would be.

A lot of men really don't think that their age matters. Even if his partner were 30, it would matter.

Highly unlikely to get pregnant in your late 40’s. Why would he persue a relationship with someone who is beyond the childbearing years?

If you’ve had three in the last ten years naturally who knows you may be more fertile than most. I’d be a hard no, hopefully in a few years any change will disappear for you but the risk if he’s still desperate is he then leaves for a younger model in the hope he can make it happen.

Does he actually understand even if you physically Could have another, you don't Want another and nothing is going to change that?
If so, the decision is down to him, although I'd be worried he would resent you further down the line.

Did you meet online? The only reason I ask is that I've come across a Lot of profiles where a 55 year old man wants children, yet is matching with 50 year old women (ie me)

I’d say it’s not possible because I’m not having more babies! You need to be totally 110% clear. If I got pregnant I would terminate as I will not have another baby at this stage in my life. I will not change my mind, I don’t want more children.

It doesn’t matter whether you theoretically could or not, you don’t want to.

You don’t need to do anything - just tell him “sorry love, but my uterus has retired”. If he is desperate for a child and this is a deal breaker then so be it.