DP wants a baby at 50, I don't.

[SherylAnn]

Backstory : I have three children already under 10, late 40s. New partner of 1 year (50) who I love. He has admitted he wants children of his own. I want to let him go but he wants me still. How can I make the relationship work without more children

The chances of you getting pg and carrying a child to term in your late 40's are so slim regardless of having kids already. Surely he knows that? People will come along and tell you lots of woman have babies post 45 and it's very normal age to start a family. It's not. Surely he has looked that up?

He's being RIDICULOUS!

Him wanting a baby, and him never getting around to it by the age of FIFTY, is not your problem to solve. You are not RENT-A-WOMB.

He's 50, you're late 40's. Chances of conceiving a healthy child are low. So you'd likely end up with a child with birth defects. And he might bugger off and leave you to it.

To be honest, you're late 40's with 3 kids under 10. That in itself is eye watering. My kids had all grown up and left home, by the time I was 46, and DH was 43.

If you want any kind of retirement, please don't even think about doing this.

I agree. I always wanted kids. I still woudnt have searched for a 50 year old to have them when I was younger. The reason for that is due to how old he would be as the child is growing up (less energy to help care for them as toddlers etc) and the likelihood he'd die when they were only teenagers.

I am sure some younger women go for older rich men but it's certainly not super common. None of my friends did when they were in their 20s/30s either.

Plus, if he's not mega wealthy then he's screwed isnt he?

You will need to break up but what’s his financial situation and do you live together?

Women in their mid to late thirties don't always have an endless supply of men in their thirties and early forties who are keen to settle down and have children within a, say, two year timeframe.

These men are selfish gits who clearly didn’t have any idea about the effects of pregnancy on a woman’s body, let alone the ridiculous notion that pregnancy at nearly 50 is any woman’s dream 😡
I bet he wouldn’t be around long enough to see the child grow up.

But sperm quality in older men isn't great. They can make a baby, but much higher chances of something being wrong with the baby.

At 50 HIS fertility could be an issue, even with a much younger partner. Can’t abide adult men who deliberately ignore biological facts!

Put your needs first op.
He has had plenty of time to become a father.
Why has he left it until now?
I think 50 is far too old to become a parent.
It isn’t fair on the child for a start.
Anyway, I’d tread carefully here. It’s one thing him musing over what could have been, quite another expecting you to go along with it.

Also - is he a great step-dad figure at the moment?

He's hoping naturally.

The chances of that happening are minute. Beyond minute.

How come he hasn't done even basic research.

The only real chance you'd have would be use donor eggs.

You wouldn't have to go through egg collection, but you'd have to go through all the other parts of IVF ...while being a mother to three kids under 10.

He in contrast, would have to wank into a cup.

You've still got the issue that his 50 yr old sperm would have greater risks of autism in the child and many other things.

Your relationship is not mature, it's only been a year. How do you know he's realistic about what a bomb in a relationship a baby is?

He's certainly not realistic about basic things like fertility.

He should barely have been introduced to op's kids within a year, let alone step dad-ing them!

It’s not about the men, it’s about the children (and let’s not pretend women don’t get the same attitude). It’s selfish of men to leave it so late and then pass the increased risks of their less than prime sperm onto a child, as well as an aging father who won’t be around very long to help a possibly disabled child through life. Would you have a baby if you knew there was a much higher chance of disability and you might not be around for much more than 25 before you needed care of your own?

This!

Don't listen to all the "surely it must be impossible to conceive in late 40s" as it isn't and you don't want to take any chances. There was an article years go about women in their forties who had stopped contraception in their 40s because they had divorced then started a relationship and got pregnant. Don't take that risk.

Disability is a very real factor for older fathers.
I know someone who fathered a child at 46. The woman was a lot younger, by about 20 years. They are not still together, the child is disabled.

You wouldn't have to go through egg collection, but you'd have to go through all the other parts of IVF ...while being a mother to three kids under 10

He in contrast, would have to wank into a cup

Yep- its so easy isnt it to suggest pregnancy when all the emotional and physical work has to be done by someone else when all he has to do is have a wank.

The fact he hasn't even mentioned any of those potential IVF issues indicates he hasn't thought this through and that he'd expect you to also do the bulk of the child rearing just so he can say to everyone that he's a dad.

So selfish.

Some people have questioned whether it's feasible to get pregnant in late 40s. Maybe not for everyone, but my Auntie got pregnant at 51. She'd been together with her then (much younger) husband for four years, loved children and it was right for her. She already had four children and would have had more if my Uncle hadn't lost he life to cancer at 40.

In this case, it isn't right for you, OP. You've been honest with him and he needs to accept that he has to make the decision.

I agree, I am just wondering what he's like with them. It's easy to imagine being a parent when you see then for an afternoon picnic, compared to them having meltdowns, being ill or upset.

You can’t change what he wants.

You cannot sign up for a dysfunctional relationship with 3 young kids - it’s going to be dysfunctional because he’ll resent them because they aren’t his children, and you will be running around trying to placate him (as you already are)

Tell him to move on and mean it. This relationship isn’t going to work.

(Also he sounds like an idiot - you are in your late 40s w 3 kids under 10, having another baby would cause a load of strife for you which would land on him. He needs to go find someone who’s up for it)

As a 43 year old mum of 3 school age kids (DH is 51) no way would i consider having another baby. We are both to old for a start and it would hugely disrupt our kids lives. You need to spell this out that you are not having more kids and it's his choice to stay or go

I know a guy who had 3 healthy kids. Then in his late 40's he fathered a child, with a much younger woman, and the child isn't right at all. Undergoing tests for all the usual ND conditions, but there's something, very wrong. No problems with the first 3 who he fathered when he was much younger.

OP - I’d let it all develop naturally.
Seen same pattern before in a relationships of friends. Men who haven't got children by 50 - want children in some theoretical sense - in reality if they did, they would have had them by now. Would have made choices and compromises as we all do to make it happen.

He has chosen to be in a relationship with a woman who cant physically have a child with him. So - thats an active choice.
It’s not your job to make sure his ‘desire for children’ is fulfilled. Its on him.

Just ignore what he says and continue the relationship as is. You can even stop contraception as its unlikely you will get pregnant. Soon enough, few years down the line he’ll just say - we tried, not happening.
I think he just wants an excuse of - ‘we tried’, not in the cards…

I wouldn't stop using contraception! I'm going through menopause now at almost 55 years old, but I'm pretty sure that I was ovulating still in my late 40's - all the signs were there. Too risky. And don't you have a last push fertile period just before menopause?? I'd be doubling up on contraception if he's not using any.

You can even stop contraception as its unlikely you will get pregnant.

Cripes, don't do this!

@Naunet

Exactly, Women and children don't exist to enable the poor choices of men.