DP wants a baby at 50, I don't.

[SherylAnn]

Backstory : I have three children already under 10, late 40s. New partner of 1 year (50) who I love. He has admitted he wants children of his own. I want to let him go but he wants me still. How can I make the relationship work without more children

@SherylAnn what the hell has he been doing for the last 30 odd year???? abstaining??????

He missed the boat!

It's not going to work OP - end it, and save your children a lot of upset further down the line.

Thank you - appreciate your reply here as well as everyone elses

You, sensibly, don’t want a fourth child so thats the end of it. I wouldn't entertain such a mad idea.
A relative of DH’s had a baby in his third marriage, first set of kids were older than the third wife…He was mid 50’s when the child was born, unfortunately he didn’t live long enough to see them start secondary school.
50 year olds should be looking forward to being grandparents not fathering children themselves. If he has such an urge to be a parent, he can step up and be an amazing adult to your existing kids.

He was always worried whether they could financially have a baby so never had one/never the right time/whether the woman was right. This is a common issue - never the right time.

Nah, this is just excuse-making. People don’t go through 25+years of trying to work out if the time and person is right if they really want children. They get to a point where they think, “Ah hell with it, we’ll make it work.” Of course that doesn’t always pan out but people who really want kids don’t dither for as long as he has.

You carry on and he can leave if he wants. You don’t make him stay nor do you make him leave. Biology has sorted this for you anyway so it really is his choice.

Neither of you should be having a child - you because you don't want one and him because he's not ready/capable (he wouldnt accept risk of defects/the thought of it.)* *

If you've told him firmly that it's not happening and he's still trying to persuade you, the relationship likely isn't going to work out. If he can't genuinely accept the fact that the two of you are not going to have a child together, the relationship is probably not going to work out. That doesn't mean he never mentions the word child again - he may genuinely be struggling and need a little bit more time - but ultimately he has to respect your wishes and respect YOU - which means taking your word for it that you HAVE fully considered having another and the answer is and will remain no. And you can't remain with him with the idea that he's eventually either going to leave you to have a child with someone else or be permanently dissatisfied that he's "settled" for not having a child.

Hi - i meant the idea of any potential issues with a child would be something he couldnt handle thinking about

I have three ND children. I am counting the days to when the youngest gets through school. It is unbelievably difficult. An older father with possible ND themselves who couldn't handle any issues in their DC? Hell would freeze over before I would consider having a child with such a person, regardless of what age I was.

Hi - i meant the idea of any potential issues with a child would be something he couldnt handle thinking about

It wont just be this one thing. Your life with him - anyone's real life - is going to be full of risks your boyfriend can't handle thinking about. Things going wrong in your life or your children's lives that affect him. Things he hasn't thought of and doesn't want to think about. It will be your job to make sure they don't affect him or to minimise the effect on him.

That's what I meant about you having to carry everything regardless of whether you have a child with him or not.

If you want to let him go, why do you want to make the relationship work? That makes no sense.

I'd have thought you'd have enough to do with three children under ten. I get you probably want some company but why get so intense? You've not known this chap long anyway and presumably it isn't that long since you split with your children's father.

He has a nerve.

The man is unreasonable to suggest you try for a baby at your age, especially as you have three already. Tell him to find someone else if he is that desperate. He may well want you but you don't particularly want him and he can easily want somebody else.

It's not really about whether he can or can't think about birth defects. The resulting child would be stuck with them. Considering his age and issues he already has that he might pass one, he really should not be having a child at all. That ship has sailed for him.

If he can’t handle even the thought of a child having issues much less the reality, he is not ready to have children, despite his big age.

You need to be the one to pull the plug on this @SherylAnn. You can’t want it to work out and tell him he can leave to meet someone else. It’s in with no kids end of discussion or it’s out.

He is going to keep badgering you about this. The fact he doesn’t understand the basic biology involved at both your ages or take your no for an answer is a huge concern.

RIP the plaster off.

Does he have any other potential hidden agendas - eg cocklodging tendancies?

Is he well set up from a financial/career and housing situation - or is what you have attractive to him?

This. You’re not a vessel for his whims.

God I always wondered about those blokes age 40-50 who have "want kids someday" on their profile. When?!!!!! And with who????

Hilariously they often also have on their profile that they're "looking for casual" or "not sure what they're looking for".

Some blokes are pretty hard of thinking, aren't they!

A 50 year old man who wants children in the future is dating a woman in her late 40's. How does she think these children are happening? Like what is his plan? Or has he not considered biology? Especially since you have kids from previous relationship. Has he actually put any thoughts into practicalities?

Since you don't want kids but both of you want to be in a relationship. Either he accepts he won't have kids and you stay together or you break up and he looks for someone younger who wants kids. He needs to decide which future he wants

Also wonder if he is a 'future faker' - has he used this 'flattering' tactic on previous women to keep them hooked and then not delivered?

What has he been doing over the last 30 years whilst his peers have been growing families that has kept him distracted from this desire? Is he a bit Peter Pan, play boy, party boy, addict?

Yes, hard of thinking. I have been married for years so I had no idea there were men out there thinking this. Just why?

Its just a marketing gimmick to attract the younger woman with the biological clock ringing - they will then proceed to waste her time and do the same again to another 37 year old....

If he wants his own children, he'll have to end the relationship and meet someone else.

Simple.

You two could try without contraception but it'll be extremely unlikely you fall pregnant, if you do it will be extremely unlikely that the pregnancy doesn't end in miscarriage.

I'm not sure that you need the physical and mental effects of a miscarriage while trying to be a Mum to three kids under 10.

You could probably only have kids together by using a donor egg and doing IVF.
This is expensive.
It would be very hard on you.
The baby would not be your biological child.
The fact that 50 yr old sperm was used would still be a risk for all the things that are being established as higher risk for older fathers
.
It is probably not in the best interests of your children.

Why is he even raising this with a late 40s woman ....does he not understand basic biology? It's only outliers (women) who have babies in their late 40s onward.
Does he have learning difficulties?

He can't imagine or process potential problems with any baby born from people in their late 40s and 50??

He sounds like he has "issues".

Not unlike the issues that led him to delay having kids because of money til 50 (and counting).
Loads of people have children when not in perfect financial circumstances. Who would have any if their circumstances were not "perfect".
If you really really wanted kids, you would compromise around that

It’s not about being decrepit. It’s about giving up your freedom into your early 70s - not being able to downsize or travel freely in your retirement etc.

Yeah true. They probably think that's the "correct" answer for their profile.

Whereas 40 year old me just thinks "idiot" and swipes left.

Ditto.

OP go and read the MN threads there are 1000s of posts about being in a relationship with someone ND and raising kids.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5081532-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-11?page=1

prepare for hell to freeze over.

a fourth kid that’s ND with a ND partner that can’t cope with ND??

Sorry but that’s almost making me laugh with terror/horror that anyone, ANYONE in their right mind, might consider.

It also shows how completely unsuitable he is to have children.

Did you read the thread yesterday about the ND husband who just bought a kitten and then fucked off to the other side of the country for work, leaving his long suffering wife to look after it, despite knowing NO ONE, including his kids, in the house wanted it except him.

Sounds like you’ve got a replica model.