DP wants a baby at 50, I don't.

[SherylAnn]

Backstory : I have three children already under 10, late 40s. New partner of 1 year (50) who I love. He has admitted he wants children of his own. I want to let him go but he wants me still. How can I make the relationship work without more children

A 50 year old man who dates women his age and wants children in the future is giving himself an exit strategy.

@5starzz not at all - but ticking biological clock. Ive said he needs to look for someone who gives him all this as it cant be me

Also these men have plenty of money for nannies, baby sitters, private care (if the kids are high needs). I still think it's selfish to risk the health of a baby by using your 50+ years DNA to create one. It's the kids who will be stuck with the consequences for the rest of their lives. A woman is also at higher risk for complications during the pregnancy if the man's sperm is older. It's just a bad idea all around. Just because a man can conceive, doesn't mean he should.

100% agree with this .... suspect that as I said in my previous post he has spent the last 30 years whilst his peers have been growing families being distracted by being Peter Pan, play boy, party boy, addict etc - especially if he has declared that he was never in the right financial situation to have a child - mayber he was spending on his 'lifestyle' - I suspect he is now broke and looking for a safe harbour.

Realistically at 50, he has left too long.
Even if you were 10 years younger and willing, it took me 4 years to have a baby in my early-mid thirties. I know Dave Grohl has just had a daughter but it didn't sound planned and he has the megabucks lifestyle for armies of staff, the best education money can buy and multi million dollar mansions.
As it is, to have a baby, he would need to find another partner (which could take years), have baby (which again could take years and with additional risks due to his age) and then raise child for next 18years. By that stage he could be mid 70's and maybe 80's by the time they leave home.

What does he think his cut off age is to start having children?

Ahhh I know a man like this. Always thought he had plenty of time, and hadn’t allowed for the fact that (a) he was going to have lower quality sperm as he aged, and therefore more likelihood of a child with genetic issues; and (b) that as he got older, he would still need to be able to attract women in their fertile years, ie women who were increasingly younger than him. The reality hit him a couple of years ago and he’s really struggling with it. I think our boys are done no favours by not being taught these things, that as men they actually don’t have all the time in the world to have children, and that just like women their prime reproductive years are numbered.

OP, please be aware that if he wants to continue with the relationship it might be because he thinks he can use your not giving him children as a stick to beat you with; something to give him the upper hand in the relationship.
If he does that I hope you can firmly but politely shut him down.

This is very important: no young woman should be wasting her youthful fertile body on old man sperm!

OP, I’m not sure what the query is here - you are in your late 40s so too old to have another child. Plus you don’t even want one. You don’t live with this man, and aren’t married to him.

There isn’t really anything to discuss here. If this man wants children he needs to break up with you and find somebody fertile. If he doesn’t, he needs to shut up about it. Going on at you about it is like continually telling you he wants you to grow another leg.

Is he actually asking you to TTC, or just wistfully wanging on about how he’d love a child of his own one day?

@Saschka just the latter, wistful.

Exactly. If your plan 100% relies on attracting a partner 15-20 years younger than you, then it ain't much of a plan.

But in all seriousness as this guy has picked OP, a woman nearly 50, as his partner, it sounds like he has given no thought at all to what it takes to get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy, give birth and look after a child for 18+ years.. Which again wouldn't indicate having a child is really a major priority in life and not just a passing fancy.

I’d completely ignore him then. Sounds like DH musing about how he’d like to be a famous novelist one day, but not actually writing any novels.

If he really wanted a child, why hasn't he had one by now? There isn't exactly a shortage of women wanting to procreate.

I agree.
I don't think he wants a child because he wants to be a parent, he wants a child as a way of affirming his masculinity and potency, his ability to impregnate a woman and his ability at the age of 50 to capture a woman young enough to conceive.

How old are you exactly

To be fair I don't think you should have to justify whether you love together or not,!? Your post wasn't about that. Although if you love one another and the relationship between him and your children is fine, then I'm not sure why some posters think living together after being together a year is unreasonable?! You're adults after all. Anyway......

Maybe the OP having no plans to live with him is a reason for him pushing his desire to have a child with her which would necessitate him moving in?

Never assume that...lots of examples of women having naturally conceived babies in their late forties, usually unplanned.

Intersting that it was never the right time financially in the past to have a child - whats happened in the last year to improve his financial sitaution?

His wistful wanting might be a tactic to keep the op on the back foot; he hopes she will be fretting about whether he will stay with her because she can't give him children etc.
(Obviously his tactic is useless because she's made it very clear she cannot & will not give him this and is prepared to let him go if he wants to!)

39 is hardly pushing it.

So he's 50 and never had kids but claims to want them. Either that's horseshit or he's a fantasist.

He'd need to date someone 20 years younger for any liklihood of kids down the line. Does he really think he's that much of a prize? Ick.

My guess is its a get out of jail free card to cheat. Or, to end the relationship out of the blue down the line when he gets bored.

Or the beginnings of that abuse move where they make you feel 'not enough' so you are insecure and on edge all the time and put up with bs you shouldn't.

Other practical considerations about a 4th child,
Most cars are really designed for a family of 4, most will fit a 5 person in the not very comfy middle seat.
So 6 people will mean using a people carrier, making cars more expensive.

Houses 4 kids could potentially mean looking for a 5 bedroom house, or kids sharing which might not be practical depending on the sex and ages of the kids.

Holiday similar issue to above accommodation is geared for 2 or 3 kids.

Teens are expensive beasts, to feed and clothe. And that's before you hit the costs of uni.

Thinking of that 4th child, he'd potentially be in his 70s when that kid is going through uni. Would he be able to afford to fund the child and retire at the same time.

Why does him wanting kids with the OP equate to meaning he will cheat down the line if he doesn't get that? I interpret him wanting kids with her as a sign of some commitment. Yes he shouldn't be putting pressure on the OP but I don't see how it means he's a potential cheater for wanting kids with her.

Maybe he could find himself a surrogate and be a single dad? Not sure how that's compatible with your family unit though.