DP wants a baby at 50, I don't.

[SherylAnn]

Backstory : I have three children already under 10, late 40s. New partner of 1 year (50) who I love. He has admitted he wants children of his own. I want to let him go but he wants me still. How can I make the relationship work without more children

Not in a million fucking years would I be doing this. You could be 6 months pregnant and he could just fuck off and leave, and you're stuck with the responsibility for this child til you're 70. High chance of issues with the pregnancy, and the birth, and also with the child. All sorts of things could go wrong. Yeah, fuck that for a game of soldiers!

As previous posters have said, he has 'always wanted children' but somehow hasn't managed to for 50 YEARS!

And you have been together just 12 months, and is demanding you have a child for him - at nearly 50. FFS!

Something very funny about all of this! Tell him to bog off @SherylAnn Do NOT have a baby with this man. Just no!

Ive never understood anyone wanting or even having babies when they are knocking on 50s let alone being 50.
Some on mums net have babies at 46- 47 i just dont get it.

In that scenario- Because he doesn't ACTUALLY want kids.

He just wants op to feel like she can't give him what he really wants and he can go 'I cheated because my head was a mess because I love you but I want kids'.

Yeah this. ^ LOADS of women on Mumsnet allegedly have babies when they're 45+, but in real life, I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of women I know who had a baby past 45. Literally just 4 or 5. It just hardly happens in real life. Yet if people on Mumsnet are to be believed, around a quarter of women have babies past the age of 45!

I couldn't think of anything worse! 😬

It’s not your responsibility to make up for his bad planning in life.

One of my friends had a surprise 3rd baby in her 40s. Her second child is just going to uni and she should have some kind of freedom now, instead she has a 5 year old and I know it’s hard for her.
Your children should be just about independent in around 10 years. If you started IVF/pregnancy now it could be 20 years before you are child free.

I think men leaving it too late isn’t that unusual. They see famous men becoming fathers for the first time in their 50s/60s and think it’s a viable choice, it’s not.

You're are both to old end of!

Its not just men that leave it to late its women as well.

He's just in a better place and financially better off than me - but its more us/seeing me as a parent whereas others were probably not ready/suitable.

May i ask how old are you op and your children.

I mean to be fair he could Foster or adopt, especially with a suitable partner who has experience with kids.

But, surely over time your children will feel like his children. So I don't understand why anyone in it for the long haul at his age would be giving it 'waaah' I want kids when he's already on route to join a family with kids. It's like he's saying he will never see you guys as a family.

Whatever you do, make sure your contraception is as failproof as possible and don't rely on condoms.

OP, if you have a child with this man he will have all the power in the relationship.
He will put his child above your children and you will trapped because your loyalty will be to all four of your children.
Your time and your mental energy will be divided between the four of them and trying to make things equal and fair.

You cannot 'make' it work.

Either he accepts what you say or he doesn't. He cannot have children with you, no amount of wishing on his part will make it happen.

Based on all your updates having a baby with him makes absolutely no sense so I would have one more serious discussion with him to make it clear that you're not having another baby under may circumstances and ask if he is willing to carry on with relationship based on that, if the answer is no then end the relationship and move on. Pull off the band-aid quickly and cut it off.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who has resentment over my decision not to have any more babies so I just see many more problems later on.

Then it's up to him to actually hear you. If he doesn't it's better to part ways imo, because otherwise you'd just grow resentful towards each other.

Foster and Adoption are not for the faint hearted. Those kids need a heck of a lot of support to get them over the truma they have been through.

Would Op or partner be able to provide that while meeting the needs of the other 3 children.
Are they a stable enough family unit to adopt or foster?

I know where I am to adopt they has to be a maximum of 45 years between the child and the youngest partner. So the youngest child they'd be allowed would be about 5 or 6 depending on how long the process takes.

No I don't think that's a good idea.

Again OP proceed at your peril.

A friend of ours is married to a super financial whizz in the city.

He had his first child at 42. They are late developers. Even for marriage and having kids.

But it’s very lonely with a man like our friend says, once the love bombing period is over. It doesn’t last. And with a kid prepare for the roof to be blown off. She said he does absolutely nothing for the kids they have she does it all added to which one is ND.

Give it one more year. They usually can only sustain interest in NT sense for two years. Then you are no longer a special interest and to all intents and purposes from a NT point of view, the love dies.

To the outside world it looks like our friend has it all but she’s so very very lonely. He works that’s about it.

Money comes with strings attached when it’s not your own.

This is not entirely the issue you asked about so sorry to detail but when you said he couldn't handle the idea of a child possibly having a health condition, is that not a concern in case one of your children develops some sort of need or health condition over time? Or struggles at school or with sport if he is an academic/sporty person? (I know a very sporty dad who struggles with his son just having no interest). Would he just decide he can't handle it and walk away from you all? We never know what is round the corner when parenting and this would worry me in terms of a partner involved with my children.
I am younger than you and the thought of going back to a baby fills me with absolute horror for soon many reasons.

You have to ask yourself why he’s still in and out of relationships and not settled down aged 40? 50?

The reason is staring you in the face but you can’t see it. Or don’t want to.

I agree.

Jeez he sounds at best clueless, but also delusional and extremely selfish. None of which are attractive qualities imho.

But whatever you do, make sure you're on good contracepton. Ovaries just before menopause can chuck out a loooaaad of eggs...

I would let this relationship go - he hasn't prioritised being a father.

if he is definite about wanting a child, then the relationship won't work, probabaly better to accept that now.

As long as you are both honest about what you want, then it is probably his decision whether he stays or goes. But if he stays, he has to understand that you won't change your mind. Please don't keep the relationship going on false pretences, that's unfair to both of you. It's hard but it might be the right thing for you both to part.

He should try getting a dog first. That’s gives you just one iota of an idea what it’s like to have a child. The responsibility that comes with having another life dependant on everything you do for it. From my experience many ND have troubles running their own lives and having dependents increases stress and depression likelihood stratospherically.