DP wants a baby at 50, I don't.

[SherylAnn]

Backstory : I have three children already under 10, late 40s. New partner of 1 year (50) who I love. He has admitted he wants children of his own. I want to let him go but he wants me still. How can I make the relationship work without more children

I’d wonder if he has any concept of how much hard work, heartache, stress, total change of life having a baby, then small child will be. Might be a different thing if it’s going to be someone else doing all the caring, raising, decision making, but remote parenting doesn’t seem very loving to me. Lots of questions to think about for him before even thinking about a baby…..finances, his own health, his current lifestyle, lots of other things. Then there’s your health.

Is it just me wondering why this man is getting ripped to pieces for saying he wants children with the OP? For many reasons people decide much later in life that they want kids. I was adamant I didn't want children then one day age 33 I decided that I did and went on to have my 2 amazing kids. My youngest I had at 38. As far as I have read, this man isn't putting pressure on the OP to have a child with him. The OP has told him she doesn't want another baby and therefore he has two options: accept that or leave.

I don’t think anyone is ripping the man to pieces, just trying to make sure reality kicks in in terms of what a huge life changing thing it is to parent a child. Most couples can make this decision a lot earlier in life, one way or the other. I know a few Dad’s who have been older, but usually with a younger partner, who was happy to take on having and raising a child. This is about both of them being willing (and able) to raise a child into adulthood. Clearly one of them isn’t, and I don’t blame her to be honest, it’s a huge ask in late 40’s, and could be risky for both child and mother. Would he cope with a less than perfect child? I don’t think so. Could he raise a child alone if god forbid anything happened to Mum? I doubt it.

I agree with the two rational options you have set out for him - but he seemingly hasnt done either if the OP is here asking this Q when she has told him quite categorically No.

Is he trying to wear her down (to either have a child or move in) or use it as some sort of subtle emotional weapon to hold over the relationship by staying and this seems to be working as the OP is possibly precoccupied and maybe questioning her decision.

Their goals are incompatible cuurently.

If the BF has a deep desire for a child there are many more potentially less complicated partners out there (younger and without children) to satisfy this - also as he is recently now financially very secure he will be an attractive prospect.

Thank you @Foxlovesfruit - there isnt a pressure, its just a sad, whimsical comment from time to time. Im fully ok for him to find someone else but i think he's just coming to terms with blood related children not being in his future.

Not only IVF with donor eggs but OP and partner would most likely have to travel abroad to even get this treatment - not many UK fertility clinics will treat women over 45 even using donor eggs. If I was going to shell out for 2 weeks in Greece or Cyprus I'd have a lovely holiday with my kids not be trying to get pregnant with this guy 😬

What I don’t get is why you are taking these offhand whimsical comments and running with them - feeling like you have to ‘make it work’. This is his stuff to work through, about his own life regrets. It shouldn’t be causing you all this angst. Don’t take it on.

She said in her OP that she is in her late 40s, and that she has 3 children under 10 now!

I could not imagine having 3 kids under 10 at nearly 50, and than having a 4th one in addition to those 3! LOL, no ta!

3 under 10 - at nearly 40 - would be fairly hard work, but at 10 years older?! OMFG! Nooooooooooooooooooo. 😱

Yes. It's not your problem. It's his.

Yeah Bunny & Kate and PP have it

if it really were “just a sad, whimsical comment from time to time” and no pressure then you would not be giving it any more than a fleeting thought at the time

much, much less be posting on MN asking advice on how to “make it work”

he has cast a hook, you bit and are now wriggling on it

and, ime, baiting & hooking are the prelude to a line of abuse to come

but you don’t have kids together, don’t live together, you’ve been clear no future kids and also happy for him to leave for someone else so I guess on paper you think you won’t be reeled in…….

but once you start making excuses for their crappy behaviour you are already being reeled in

no he should not "try getting a dog". This is totally unfair to the dog.

He may need time to come to terms with the fact that ship has sailed. And grief the child that will never be.

It is well known that people who are infertile need to grief for the child that they will never have.

When people start TTC they start dreaming about the child they will create and need time to accept that child won't happen.
Somehow he needs to come to terms with it.

Unusual but not unknown - but then if you don’t want more children YANBU.

But he apparently has had numerous opportunities over the past 30 years of numerous relationships to have a child but he decided on each occassion that he couldnt afford it or it wasnt the right woman.

Suddenly (only a year later) at over 50 he is now financially flush enough to support a child. I am not buying the grief bit really. If he was so keen why would he have selected a woman in her late 40s as a partner.

I call BS.

@5starzz its not BS at all - he had partners before but they werent right for various reasons - not just financial but other issues too. Plenty of people dont find the right person till later on. I agree with PP, he has to come to terms with not having his own blood children because things happened too late for us.

My ex husband was 53 when our twins were born; I was nearly 39.
At now 59, he struggles to keep up with our very active DC (on the rare occasions he sees them).

@SherylAnn you seem determined to stay with him and I think it’s setting you up for years of being the one who ‘took’ his chance to be a dad.

He doesn’t sound like a man who can see reason or sense from what you’ve said. And exactly like the type to hang this over you when he wants his own way.

Alongside the sort of twisted love bombing that she is the first person he has met in all his 50 years that he wants to procreate with - but conveniently shes too old (which I suspect suits him) and also has said No. I wonder how long he would be hanging around if she had yes.....

Here here. It's such guff!

It's 'Oh I've never met anyone like you' love bombing bs.

Well I agree actually! He sounds completely inept to be honest and the poor dog would probably suffer, or not doubt OP would take on full responsibility for it, more than likely.

And no one does a special interest type of love bombing better than ND person,

Just wait for the phut at the end. Someone turn off the lights and shut the door because OMG, it’s a 180 degrees turnaround where they want pretty much nothing to do with you after being OBSESSED with you. Even though you are married and living under the same roof and share children. You are completely separate entities with nothing shared at all except your marriage licence.

I didn't say that at all, he's had partners who he has wanted kids with and they haven't, or those who have wanted kids but he didn't. Same as me. It just so happens, we met now and it's too late.

Yes I'm determined to make it work of course. But not by having another baby.

@mabs49 your view seems to be skewed by the fact that he may be ND.

Is he not? You said you thought he probably was?

He probably is but your views seems very negatively skewed as a result