Tell his wife - why it should be a YES

[Fedup46]

Will try to keep this concise..

Dating a guy I met on Bumble for 6 weeks... unable to shake my gut instinct something was not right (sketchy phone receiving messages, calls never connected, last minute date confirmation, seemingly busy most weekends and just a feeling) , he's in the armed forces so I accepted contact would be potentially inconsistent. Last night I worked out he is very much married (very happily seemingly, looking at his wife social media) he lied about name, where located, where he'd been etc.... discovering the truth was almost impossible but I persevered with Google lens on a picture he sent me and the rest is history.

So I challenged him, lies until he realised there was no denying it. He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

I expect many readers will say no don't contact the wife and I unreservedly and unashamedly disagree. And it's vital that we do if this is happening to you.

I'm 47 and been online dating since 2021 trying to find love and monogamy with a man.

I have encountered 3 out of 5 men I have been involved with are lying, cheating married men with no intentions to leave wife and willingly, knowingly and brutally ruining my life and abusing the trust and union with their wife.

On all 3 occasions I have sensitively and genuinely contacted their wives to expose them and have been so relieved to be thanked without reservation for telling them.

This behaviour ruins lives, it is scarily common, especially in 40's and I am amazed when I hear or read negative comments about exposing them.

I hope this is received with the good intention I mean.

Something is seriously wrong with this culture of behavior from these men and attitude towards the 'other woman ' who is a victim as well and only wants to protect and give the truth to the wife - it's called humanity.

I'll leave this here. X ✌🏼❤️

The OP willingly entered into a relationship with a man she thought was single. She has done absolutely nothing wrong. Her values might not align with yours but she hasn’t lied, she hasn’t pretended to be something she’s not in order to get access to sex, and she has told the wife kindly and honorably, and hopefully saved her another few years of wasting her life with a husband whose dick is in the driving seat. The men are not prizes, and they do not deserve to be protected by the very woman they lied to for the safe of a fuck.

Not everything about the past is bad.

Many people who behave abominably are also religious (Jimmy Saville was an extreme example). They see the religious aspect of their lives as a counter balance to their appalling behaviour.

In their minds the religious aspect more than offsets any bad so on average they see themselves as 'good' people. What they don't see is that the people they inflict the 'bad' on don't experience the 'good'.

No clearly it’s much better to say nothing. That way eventually the OH will catch an STD and give it to his wife. That will be a much better way for her to find out about his infidelity. 🙄

I think covering up affairs is one thing about the past that we can happily get rid. It's not like getting out of a marriage is hard now!

The other woman isn't throwing a grenade into anything. They're just holding up the unfiltered picture of a relationship.

The cheating spouse is the problem.

I wish I had done this. I also fell victim to this kind of low grade scum bag ‘man’ who funnily enough was also ex military.

His was lying about absolutely fucking everything, including running two phones, making up accidents that meant he was offline - pretended to be working abroad and I dropped him off at the airport for him to I found out later, get the national express bus home. What a fucking loser. But anyway, I digress.

When I found all this out by seeing a wedding ring he forgot to take off in a video call, I told him I’d tell his wife. He did that before I could and she was so fucking vile to me, because I hadn’t anticipated that someone like him has had multiple years to manipulate her and she believes his bullshit of how it was all the other woman and he was trying to get away. What followed was many months of her leaving me voicemails, threatening messages and causing shit for me with anyone who knew me. none of it directed towards him, who had photoshopped a fake divorce certificate, set up other phones to text himself to look like it was coming from her to confirm their divorce arrangements - all to deceive me that he was single. He’d even call us the same nickname so when he made a video message he could send it to both 🤦‍♀️ how lazy.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say in a really long winded way is that telling the wife will sometimes backfire if she has been brainwashed into thinking it’s never his fault

If I were you OP I’d start some hobbies, join some Meetup groups and if you ever do OLD again, go to one of the higher costing sites like elite as this tends to put this type of loser off as they won’t want to spend the money. Block him on everything now because if the wife sees the light and leaves, you can bet your bottom dollar he’ll be texting you in no time to tell you ‘how happy he is this has all
happened’ Etc etc, ec fucking cetera.

No, really - they definitely haven’t experienced it - they have dated men who are willing to meet in person in public, interact publically on their social media, and meet each other friends. These men have not been married or in other relationships.
´Dating’ to me means more than just meeting at home for hookups, rarely being contactable and sending each other nudes.

Willingly, yes. And in the process left herself and her child open to harm by bringing him home after knowing him for just a few weeks. And as with the three men who have gone before, she’s then relentlessly gone after him to expose him to his wife. Despite having minimal knowledge of these men she’s eagerly exposed them to their wives without a single thought for their safety when they inevitably confront their husbands. Does no-one else think that something here feels off. ? I simply don’t believe that on a normal dating site this exact same scenario played out four times out of the OP’s dating pool of six men. Sounds more like a mission to me.

Everything you have done and said is right except for sending pics of yourself naked. I assume it's boobs only as you said 'no face or fanny.'

This is not a good idea.
It's not normal either, no matter how many people you think do it.

It cheapens you. Don't try to pull men in by sharing intimate pics.

You're happy that your mother had to put up with crap, crazy making behaviour and put her self at risk of STD because you had better financial start in life? Wow!

It's not good idea for YOU. At 47 she kind of knows better what's right for her then random stranger on Internet.

It also sounds as though this man has visited OP at home - struggling to think how else he would know where she lived. Not a good idea for her own safety. Definitely not a good idea when she has a child living with her.

That may well be true. But it’s risky behaviour when you’re dealing with someone you met online, and about whom you know very little.

I have been the wife getting this news at least twice. Totally agree wives should be told.

Interestingly once I left DH but we were still married he got very ill and as I was still next of kin and the children obviously wanted to look after their dad I was at the hospital every day. There was a woman there sometimes who would run off when she saw us.

Constantly cheating Ex said she was just a friend. Was adamant about it. Turned out she was his girlfriend. I literally didn’t care but didn’t understand why he wouldn’t admit it. Just said to let us know when she was visiting so it didn’t clash. Had a few chats with her and apologised for not knowing who she was. Yes she was a previous affair partner from years ago.

He has since tried so hard to turn that into a narrative of two women fighting over him and I can’t stand to be in the same room as her ‘handbags at dawn.oh no!’ blah blah. I have realised he was missing the thrill of an illicit affair. He is still trying to get a rise out of me and is baffled at my lack of engagement.

Now he’s out of danger but permanently disabled and I leave them to it. They have both won their prize 😁

It looks like four out of six now. OP’s previous thread mentioned three out of five and she had her suspicions about this latest one but hadn’t proved anything. I just don’t buy it. I’ve been on various dating sites and never came across this - there were some weirdo’s, don’t get me wrong, but in the main happy to meet up in public and share details, show photos etc. there’s something about OP’s zealousness in exposing these men, to the point of exhaustive research online, that doesn’t sit right.

I agree wholeheartedly OP.

I was the OW. The lies he told to get what he wanted and the ease with which he told them was scary.

This was about 9 months ago and I’m still reeling from it all tbh - I realise now I was lovebombed and I can’t believe I fell for it but when you are a genuine person who hasn’t come across someone like this before you have no reason to believe they’re not telling the truth.

It’s really messed with me and I don’t think il trust anyone ever again. In my case his wife found out but she’s never contacted me and I doubt she knows the half of it. I hope she’s left him but I’ve no doubt he’ll have painted an alternate reality of what actually happened to her and manipulated her to stay.

Why are these men like this? I’ve never heard of a woman doing anything like this. I know women cheat but they don’t tend to tell blatant lies and create a whole fake life to the other person.

It’s scary how many men seem to do this, they’re like con artists.

Huge difference between saying something is risky and saying something is "not normal" and it "cheapens you". Especially when there is no face in those photos and OP is unrecognisable.

Would I want a woman to tell me my husband was cheating? Ab-so-fucking-lutely. Well done, OP.

You're funny 🤣🤣🤣

This is spot on ^^

I agree with what you say, yes. However, she may be unrecognisable to anyone else, but this man still knows it’s her. She hardly knows him. It’s risky. She also indicated that he knows where she lives, so it’s possible he’s been to her home. Bad enough if she lives alone. But she has a child. And now his reaction to being exposed has given her cause for concern because he knows where to find her. And her child. Like it or not she’s broken almost every rule posted on online dating sites to keep all parties safe.

How sure are you he's in the armed forces? Isn't this a very common lie with these types of men?

I'd report to the police, at least so its on file - he could try the same thing with someone else, or if he does share your images it might be easier to have reported the threat.

When it came to light about my dad cheating on my mum, she said one of the hardest things to deal with was the number of people who said they weren't surprised. They'd seen things and they'd known.

It made her feel a fool, she felt she was the only person in the world who didn't know. She'd trusted him, he was her husband and you're supposed to trust the person you love, aren't you?

It's a man's world all right when the victim is blamed and made a fool of, and the guilty party is protected.

I am not relevant here.
I am not 47. I am not doing online dating.

You can disagree if you want to. That's fine. You are just another random stranger.

There are other posters who've got the same opinion as me.

There are some things that are just not right and - maybe you can just about understand this, but it looks as if you can't - the OP has posted because of those pics she sent. That's the whole point of her post (as well as telling his wife.)

If she or anyone wants to open themselves up to blackmail, fine, carry on sending boob pics.

But it's tacky and can lead to what's happened here.