Help with my girlfriends weight

[ConfusedBoyfriend]

I’m coming up on one year with my girlfriend, who is my first love, and there’s something that’s been on my mind for a while now. My girlfriend is 5’3” and about 37kg (81 lbs), and I’m genuinely concerned about her weight. To my knowledge, she doesn’t have any eating disorders, but it’s clear that she’s underweight.

I’ve tried to gently encouraging her to eat enough calories consistently, especially when we’re out together, by suggesting she finish her meals or enjoy desserts and snacks. Unfortunately, this rarely happens, and when I’ve brought it up outside of a food-related context, the response has been the same. This was raised in a gentle and a way that indicated this was from safe space.

Recently, she has asked to stop with my concern. While she appreciates that I care, she insists she knows her body best. What complicates things further is that her ex-boyfriend had similar concerns but expressed them in a very toxic way. Her friends, who are qualified doctors, supported her and assured her that she was fine.

My main concerns are long-term—especially when it comes to pregnancy and adulthood. I don’t think this is a healthy weight to maintain, and while it’s a difficult issue, I believe it’s something that can be addressed.

I’m considering bringing this up in person, as we usually discuss issues over text (which she prefers), but if she doesn't want to change then I'm not sure where to go next.

I dont live with her for reference. Her mum and brother are also quite skinny

I know this is not a typical post but I just need all the advice or input I can get here.

Why shouldn't he try to help her? She's his love.

You would just terminate a friendship with your bestie if you saw her displaying a possible (hypothetical) eating disorder?

I’m surprised she is still having periods at that weight.

What a ridiculous comment. I've mentioned upthread about my own DD who is similar (though slightly taller than OPs gf). Although it's not usual to be this underweight, for a small proportion of people it's their normal. You'd be surprised what my DD eats but she just doesn't put on weight. DD is tiny. She has normal, regular periods and has had a recent gynaecology appointment about something that showed no fertility issues. It can of course cause infertility being so slender, but it's not a given.

She could possibly be purging the food afterwards.

Making herself vomit.

There are signs to look for if this is the case. {just google Bulimia}

Being anorexic is seemingly like an addiction- almost akin to drug addiction, the 'relationship' the person has with their condition.

On holidays we have been on this wasnt the case. Have spent full days with her and never saw this sign. Unless this only when she is home in which case i would hope family members would pick up?

The fact she was defensive rings alarms bells as does the fact that this has been raised as a concern previously.

Anorexia is extremely manipulative and will lie constantly, it's like a separate being to the sufferer which takes control of them.

It is very like an addiction.

If she is on contraception she will still get periods and anorexics do eat but just in a very restrictive, unhealthy, rule based way.

Does she exercise?

Not much exercise, not on contraception but does get normal periods

Please ignore anyone downplaying this as being like their equally extremely underweight friend/relative/acquaintance. Of course it’s not remotely ok to be 5 and a half stone - especially when a 5 ft 3 woman!

I’d recommend mentioning your concern to her mother but saw you haven’t met yet really. I thought maybe that could have helped any ED or purging at home, if she doesn’t do it when with you.

I really don’t know what else to suggest if she’s shut you down.

I’m 5”5’ and used to be a size 4. My dad is skinny and my mum was only 6 stone when she had me, although she is a few inches shorter.

I gained weight after having kids but I was never ill, never anorexic and never had fertility issues. I didn’t have any issues, I had two thin parents who produced thin kids.

I haven’t seen your girlfriend but I think it’s interesting you said her family are also similar sizes.

Are you concerned she has an eating disorder? You say she eats ‘normally’ at home, do you think the portion sizes are about right or too small? Does she eat three meals? Does she snack? What sort of thing does she eat? Is it only outside that she struggles to finish her food?

Telling someone who is underweight and may be suffering from ED that you're worried about them 'bring able to have children' is not going to be helpful. Firstly she may not want them.
Her own mind will not be wanting to engage with you about fertility in this context.

I weigh not much more than that (40kg) at 5 foot 4.

I've always been thin. I've had two children, no fertility problems, my weight went back down very easily after pregnancy both times with zero effort from me. I've never put any effort into staying at this weight, I'd actually like to put weight on because it would be easier to buy clothes but I won't force myself to eat more, so I just stay this weight. I have no health issues that I'm aware of, and it's never caused me any problems. I don't exercise much (I run a few times a week but not far), and don't have an overly healthy diet - I'd say it's average in terms of nutrition.

I wouldn't assume there is definitely an issue with your girlfriend's health, either mental or physical.

I assume she’s much smaller than a size 4 though.

I am a size 6 when 8.5 stone and she’s three stones lighter!

What medication is she on?

37 kg is 5 stone 11 lb, still very light but at that weight maybe important to count every pound. OP also says in one comment that the GF is 38 kg which is very close to 6 stone.

It’s hard to imagine 5 and a half stone being a normal weight for a 23 year old woman of 5 foot 3 though, even if she was very slight. I had friends when younger who were a size 6 and even 4 and I really don’t think anyone weighed so little.

I think the fact she prefers to discuss things by text would indicate there is something uncomfortable around intimacy OP.

It’s also odd that she appears to eat more normally at home (when you’re around) but not in restaurants, which would seem to indicate some control issues around what she is eating eg a concern about how much fat is in a dish.

The chances are something is wrong, but if she won’t engage with it she won’t. If you can get her to go to the GP on some pretext, you could ring them in advance to flag your concerns - they won’t talk to you about her obviously, but they will allow you to confidentially flag a concern.

Other than that you can either keep on keeping an eye on it, and work on increasing your intimacy with her (only talking about tricky things by text isn’t viable long term), in the hope that she’ll open up to you - or you may decide to call it a day - if you do do the latter I would express your worry to her parents before you move out of her life.

How tall are you though? We all carry weight differently. I was a lot less than 8.5 stones at that point and I’m two inches taller than his girlfriend.

Im not saying she is okay and I haven’t said that in my first post, but naturally thin people exist and if there are no signs of any kind of eating disorder then I don’t know why people jump to it. She may have a medical reason for being thin but it doesn’t necessarily mean she is purging or infertile as some people are saying.

5ft 3 so the same height as her

Okay, I can’t comment on you or his girlfriend as I’ve never met either, I’m just sharing my own personal experience because I don’t think it’s right that people are saying ‘she will be infertile’ and ‘she will be purging’. There may be something medical going on for sure, or maybe it is ED, but people don’t have anywhere near enough information to be saying some of the things they are.

Strange how people are so quick to give examples of "naturally thin" people but poo-poo anyone who suggests someone is "naturally fat".

What medication is she taking and what for? That could be a factor.

She can't be eating much to maintain that weight. She may be sending you photos of her dinner etc, but she can't be eating much.

accutane

If she is having regular periods then I wouldn't be so concerned. Are you sure she is having them just not saying that she is?

Accutane can be a risky drug, lots of side effects reported that haven’t necessarily been verified,
and yes it can cause loss of appetite

she has been at this weight for a while prior to starting

Yeah, I was a slim size 6 20 years ago at the same height, and weighed 50kg. Downplaying a BMI of 13.8 as "just one of those things" is not helpful. She is definitely not eating enough.