Help with my girlfriends weight

[ConfusedBoyfriend]

I’m coming up on one year with my girlfriend, who is my first love, and there’s something that’s been on my mind for a while now. My girlfriend is 5’3” and about 37kg (81 lbs), and I’m genuinely concerned about her weight. To my knowledge, she doesn’t have any eating disorders, but it’s clear that she’s underweight.

I’ve tried to gently encouraging her to eat enough calories consistently, especially when we’re out together, by suggesting she finish her meals or enjoy desserts and snacks. Unfortunately, this rarely happens, and when I’ve brought it up outside of a food-related context, the response has been the same. This was raised in a gentle and a way that indicated this was from safe space.

Recently, she has asked to stop with my concern. While she appreciates that I care, she insists she knows her body best. What complicates things further is that her ex-boyfriend had similar concerns but expressed them in a very toxic way. Her friends, who are qualified doctors, supported her and assured her that she was fine.

My main concerns are long-term—especially when it comes to pregnancy and adulthood. I don’t think this is a healthy weight to maintain, and while it’s a difficult issue, I believe it’s something that can be addressed.

I’m considering bringing this up in person, as we usually discuss issues over text (which she prefers), but if she doesn't want to change then I'm not sure where to go next.

I dont live with her for reference. Her mum and brother are also quite skinny

I know this is not a typical post but I just need all the advice or input I can get here.

There are people on this thread who say they would love to gain weight and eat plenty but are still very skinny. Why does the premise that its calories in calories out and that it's the same for everyone always get pushed at overweight people then?! It's so one sided. People can be naturally skinny and struggle to gain weight. But if you're overweight you must be a glutton and it's all your fault.

Sorry OP. It's lovely that you want to help your girlfriend but I think you're going to have to let her come to you. If she's on regular meds she must be seeing a Dr so I would let them advise. Just support her by having a healthy attitude to food yourself. 😊

I don't believe in naturally anything. If you eat too little for your lifestyle, you'll be thin, if you eat too much for your lifestyle, you'll be fat. That's true for most people unless you have certain medical conditions which aren't that common.

I wanted to lose a stone after having my second child. I used a bmr calculator to work out my calories needed to lose weight. Then I worked out how many calories I needed to maintain my new weight using the bmr calculator again. If I stick to my calories for my height, lifestyle and weight I want to be, I'm slim. BMR is accurate for the vast majority of people.

I’m very surprised she’s having periods. I’m the same height and when I developed anorexia years ago I had no period from about 7 stone/45kg and didn’t get it back until I reached a BMI of 19 in recovery but maybe if you are just naturally tiny it doesn’t effect you in the same way…. Not sure though.

It's bullshit. If you're maintaining a weight that puts you as underweight, then unless you're exercising to athlete level, you're either not eating much or you have a health issue.

This must be so tough OP, maybe keep suggesting going out for in milkshakes, lattes, cola….. get some liquid calories in without making it about her weight, just oh shall we grab a milkshake whilst we are in town etc.

Everyone's different - there's not going to be a weight where periods will always stop.

I conceived two children at 40kg.

There will always be outliers, especially if it's a family trait to be so slight. In the past I was absolutely healthy without an eating disorder with a BMI of 16/17, she's not much under that. I think you should leave her alone.

Some people here are downplaying this. That weight is not a healthy weight for any grown adult woman. You are right to be concerned. That is not being naturally thin. She will be malnourished at this weight.

Weight as low as that will cause significant health problems at some point. She's likely cold all the time, it can cause hair loss, brittle nails, weak bones, brain fog, fertility issues, cardiac issues, difficulties with continence, and so on.

I don't know if she has an ED or not, but at bare minimum she really needs a GP review to rule out anything physical.

So she doesn't eat everything at restaurants? And it sounds like you don't cook together and she only sends pictures? Idk, something just feels off here to me. Eating disorders don't always involve throwing up. People with an ED can be very good at hiding things.

I think you are right to be concerned. Has there been a decline in her weight over the years for example if she was always really slim as a child would make it less concerning? I weighed a bit more than her with my ED and am the same height. My periods were also bang on time and heavy (which I later found out was actually made worse as increasing protein really helped - undiagnosed endo). A teacher sat me down and spoke to me and we took it from there.
I have also been on Accutane long after this when I gained a bit more weight and I must say that is the worst possible drug to be on for this. Hopefully it is a short course that’ll be over soon? I had two rounds as it didn’t work. I was too tired, worst back pain, to even cook for myself on that drug and my anxiety got so bad I nearly ruined my career and became seriously depressed. I lost a lot of weight again. I was only able to gain weight again on a combined pill prescribed for acne.

My main concerns are long-term—especially when it comes to pregnancy and adulthood.

@ConfusedBoyfriend are you a registered doctor, or midwife? Because if not, I’d keep shut of your concerns around pregnancy.

I'm not sure how the OP can 100% know she's having periods. All the GF has to do is say 'I'm on my period' once a month, it's not like she has to show proof!

If this is anorexia, deception is part and parcel of the disorder.

You say she’s not on contraception, but you say in a subsequent post that the medication she’s taking is accutane. If you’re in the UK (and most other countries) there is absolutely NO WAY she would be prescribed (ro)accutane without being on a reliable contraceptive.

The relevance of this is that depending on what contraceptive she is taking, it may affect her periods so you can’t necessarily rely on the presence (or absence) of periods as to how unhealthy her weight is.

Her BMI is about 14.5 so she is significantly underweight and is unhealthy and you’re right to be concerned. Although there are people on this thread downplaying it and stating they’re healthy at a similar weight/BMI, that’s extremely unusual and a rare exception.

She has BMI of 14.5 or 14.3 depending on whether you use the kg or lb weight.

"There are also different tiers of anorexia based on BMI ranging from mild (<17.5), moderate (16-16.99), and severe (15-15.99), to extreme (<15)."

This isn't just very skinny. Another couple of kg and she may suffer organ failure.

What do you mean that her doctor friends support her?

There are certainly outliers of people who are just super unusually tiny naturally.

This doesn't sound great but I think you're in for an uphill struggle trying to convince her to eat more if she's set on maintaining her very low weight. Are you able to get some private nutritionist testing or input? Find out if she's got any deficiencies? She might be open to taking vitamins and supplements if she does or changing the proportions of what she eats to support her health in the short to medium term and you may find her attitude to food improves of its own accord in the longer term. Many women starve themselves when they're young. Many choose to stop at some point though.

When I was 23 I was 5ft 4 and exactly 7 stone. I ate loads I just didn't put on weight at all. 10 years on and I'm 9 and a half stone but I have had a child.

Do you think she's just one of these people who don't put on any weight at all?

I understand your concerns, however some people just don't put on any weight at all.

Edited to say I didn't have any fertility issues.

actually lots of doctors will allow you just to say you wont have sex :)

So, she might actually not weigh this? Does she look healthy to you?

I can recognise that some people are indeed naturally really slight, but OP is saying she is under 6 stone - that's quite a difference on an already underweight person.

@Coconutter24 She’s your girlfriend not your child. Whether she has an eating disorder or not this behaviour from you I imagine would be quite tedious.

Looking out for other people is treating them like children? What bizarre backwards logic is this?

You say her mum and brother are both skinny, could it be that she is just naturally skinny?

No, doofus. If the height and weight we have been given are correct, then this woman is very clearly underweight.

I was just about to type what the poster above said, trust me, I've worked with eating disorders and as an NHS nutrition professional and this BMI is not normal for anyone. It is very likely an eating disorder, check out BEAT but is a psychiatric illness. Those who are chronically underweight have adapted to malnourishment due to the wonders of the human body and its survival but she cannot sustain this and could become physically very unwell indeed. I'm afraid , as her partner, you are in a difficult position and those with ED are often very intelligent and articulate and the masters of deception and control - it's the nature of the ED , it doesn't make her a bad person, however, but it means they will often deny and deflect.
I'm sorry, I really am but she does need pretty urgent help 🥺

That's not true though. You don't get to be super slim and eat lots. Your DD doesn't eat a lot.
Maybe she's healthy, maybe she's subsisting on crap, who knows. Early 20s you can can away with most things.

I think if a number of people see someone having an issue, they probably do. Whether it warrants intervention is a different matter.

Not any more - unfortunately but up until ny 30s I was naturally very slim - Size 6 -8 despite eating like a horse. It’s unreal how people thought they pass comment on your weight - (skinny shame you) and the bitchy comments you’d get from other women,

I think things have reversed now, slim people are in the minority and viewed as abnormal.

I’m sorry you are wrong. I was super slim until mid thirties. 3 good meals and plenty of snacks

No it is not normal.