Help with my girlfriends weight

[ConfusedBoyfriend]

I’m coming up on one year with my girlfriend, who is my first love, and there’s something that’s been on my mind for a while now. My girlfriend is 5’3” and about 37kg (81 lbs), and I’m genuinely concerned about her weight. To my knowledge, she doesn’t have any eating disorders, but it’s clear that she’s underweight.

I’ve tried to gently encouraging her to eat enough calories consistently, especially when we’re out together, by suggesting she finish her meals or enjoy desserts and snacks. Unfortunately, this rarely happens, and when I’ve brought it up outside of a food-related context, the response has been the same. This was raised in a gentle and a way that indicated this was from safe space.

Recently, she has asked to stop with my concern. While she appreciates that I care, she insists she knows her body best. What complicates things further is that her ex-boyfriend had similar concerns but expressed them in a very toxic way. Her friends, who are qualified doctors, supported her and assured her that she was fine.

My main concerns are long-term—especially when it comes to pregnancy and adulthood. I don’t think this is a healthy weight to maintain, and while it’s a difficult issue, I believe it’s something that can be addressed.

I’m considering bringing this up in person, as we usually discuss issues over text (which she prefers), but if she doesn't want to change then I'm not sure where to go next.

I dont live with her for reference. Her mum and brother are also quite skinny

I know this is not a typical post but I just need all the advice or input I can get here.

I think your gf is lying to you, which is par for the course with an eating disorder.

You say you haven't met her mum, so you only have your girlfriend's word that her mum is also super skinny. I imagine the doctor friends who think your girlfriend's weight is fine aren't people you've met, you've just had your girlfriend's version. How many 23 year olds have lots of friends who are doctors?

My best friend has a 22 year old daughter with anorexia. Thankfully she has had good medical care and psychiatric treatment and is on the road to recovery. At her worst she spent 9 weeks as an inpatient. She weighed about the same as your gf but is only 5 ft. So her BMI would have been higher, and she was admitted as a critical case.

I've not got any advice but you are right to be concerned.

I was exactly the same slimmest in the family and biggest appetite and that always got comments.

Who uses the word doofus?!??

looking out for other people when done in the right way isn’t treating them like a child, OPS ‘help’ is coming across like he’s treating her like a child because he’s not doing it in the right way.

She may be underweight but that isn’t always due to an eating disorder. Some people are naturally underweight and no amount of eating changes that so telling someone to eat all their dinner isn’t going to help in any way physically or emotionally! Given that her family are all skinny it could be ‘normal’ for her

I was friends with someone for decades while they hid their bulimia from everyone. People would surprised how well sufferers hide it. I was shocked when she "came clean" having always thought she was just naturally very slight. People hide these things very well.

My friend was otherwise "fit" active, keen and accomplished runner.

She is eating normally now after conquering her eating disorder but unfortunately the damage is done to her skeletal structure. It's as if the years of poor nutrition and being underweight are really taking their toll now and she is not well at all.

So I would say if you are concerned for your friends weight, don't give up on them.

Yet again we have a thread in relationships from a guy expecting our time and resources to solve his issues with his female partner

Anyone else seriously had enough of this now?

Because I have. It's a daily occurrence. We're here to help women, not problem solve for men.

There's plenty of places men can go for help, this is not one of them imo. I think we really should be more discerning about the threads that get responses and effort.

You are free to ignore posts from men.

MN grew from a group of mothers. It is very different from that now.

@TiramisuThief if you're not keen on helping, why didn't you scroll by when you saw the title/username?

Surely we are helping a woman by helping her boyfriend deal with this situation carefully, sensitively etc

With a BMI of under 15? Even if this was your healthy normal for you, surely you can recognise that for probably 99% of the population it is something to be concerned about. It's not helpful for the OP to be told her GF is maybe naturally very slim. Her weight is not super slim, it is at a weight where organ failure is a risk and she should be checked.

It's more complicated than just encouraging her to eat. Honestly it's better to end the relationship than get involved in this. It sounds most likely that she is mentally unwell and dealing with it by food restriction. This will be a lifelong struggle for her and if she has children it's likely she will pass on the neuroses and perpetuate it into the next generation. This isn't a future you should want for your theoretical children.

Dealing with this and getting well has to be something she chooses, it cannot be initiated by you.

The kindest thing to do is to end the relationship. Having you as her bf and being able to argue against your concerns is part of the scafolding perpetuating this. She must be either lying about what Dr friend said or have lied about her weight to the Dr to make her say it. Just googling "Is a BMI of 14 dangerous?" makes it very clear from multiple sources that this cannot be healthy but it's not the physical health that is the problem here. The mental scaffolding required to deliberately starve herself and lie about it to herself and everyone around her and pretend there is nothing wrong is a much bigger issue and that cannot be fixed with eating more calorific foods.

She might have an overactive thyroid or another medical condition?

She might. And if this was the case if she trusted her partner she should be able to tell him this, especially when he has shown concern about her eating.

Some people are naturally very slim but 38kg at 5' 3" is more than slim. It does sound like a possible eating disorder.

I did know a young woman of similar height and weight and that was after she had received in-patient hospital treatment for anorexia. In addition to the list of symptoms written by Mumof2namechange this young woman was covered in fine, downy hair all over her face and body. Sadly that young woman did not live to see 30.

I'm sorry to say that if your girlfriend does have an eating disorder then you are unlikely to be able to help her. As a PP has described, it's like an addiction and just like addiction people with ED's can be very manipulative (this does not come from a place of malice), it's all part of the disease.

It's hard to know what to suggest, eating disorders are very complicated and the rose to recovery is long. Telling someone with anorexia to eat more is no more helpful than telling someone who is morbidly obese to just eat less. You need advice from people with specialist experience but if you girlfriend does not want help then I don't think there is much you can do until she is so unwell she has to receive hospital treatment.

I strongly disagree with this. MN has become a parenting site. It describes itself as a parenting site, not solely for mums (deapite the name). I'm more than happy to advise men. This man is rightly concerned about his partner and has received some good advice and insight.
Speak for yourself. Clearly many of us are happy to respond to men and feel no need to be "discerning" as you put it.

I think i'm late to the party - i haven't read through all the other comments

OP, if this was my partner I'd want them to see a doctor. She either has an eating disorder or medical condition.

I know everyones different but my sister is 5'3 and when she dropped to 6st 5 she looked incredibly skinny- I can't imagine if she'd been any smaller than that.

Some people are naturally skinny but I find it hard to believe she's naturally that small.

This isn't easy for me to write, however I felt the need to add my experience.

In my late teens and early twenties I suffered with an eating disorder, at the worst I was just over 5.5 stone. I would describe it as not only an addiction, but a parasite, almost like another person taking over your mind and body. Believe me it's not easy to flight against that.

If she does have an eating disorder, she will be an expert at hiding it, did you know that you can add coins to your clothes to appear heavier at those doctors appointments? She will be desperate to hide what's happening so that she can continue, it's highly likely she won't even recognise it as a problem. Encouraging her to eat won't work either, that will only strengthen her resolve.

She cooks her own dinners and from the pictures I receive they do seem well balanced and reasonable sized portions
The sending of photos is her proving she eats, I'd be concerned at her low weight.

It really depends. There are occasional outliers and some have responded on this thread - one poster is roughly the same weight as gf, always has been.

Some women, particularly Asian women, can have tiny, tiny frames that are the size of chidlren.

Whether gf has acute anorexia or whether this, however unusual, is actually her normal, we cannot possibly tell from a forum.

I’d suggest OP finds a way to get her to a GP and they can make an assessment.

I support someone who has anorexia, and I mean this very very kindly.

Get therapy. ASAP.

You need to lose the "I can fix her" mentality, because you can't. The more you bring it up the more the eating disorder wins.

Ultimately I think your relationship needs to end. You will never be happy and you will always have concern that you've to walk on eggshells around, you can never compliment on her appearance because if you say you look beautiful it solidifies that having an eating disorder makes you beautiful and if you express opinions the other way it makes them feel like there's a loss of control.

Before she can really love someone she needs to learn to love herself enough to get better.

Anorexia can be a comorbidity to autism which can make it extremely difficult to overcome due to the nature of black and white thinking and rigidity in routines. It can also be a comorbidity of OCD. Of course these things do not make a person unlovable, but you are so young to feel like you need to be in this scenario where your relationship or life is dictated by the beat of someone else's drum.

Getting someone with anorexia support when they do not want to be helped is nigh on impossible.

I've had ambulance services out who have said they can't issue a section in the house, so there's nothing they can do. We've had doctors round who have issued a section, but then when hospitalised there haven't been the facilities to actually put a proper care plan in place or the person that I'm supporting has not been honest or compliant, or has found ways to manipulate the system so they can be released off the section and go back to their old ways. There are very limited inpatient beds in the UK for eating disorders and they're reserved for the worst of the worst cases but particularly the ones who do show that they really do want to get better but are struggling to do so without help. My young person has had falls and slips and bumps and bleeds because of their lack of energy, and it's frightening when it happens. They aren't getting enough vitamins or minerals in their diet to sustain their bodily functions. Their hair is falling out in droves now, and I'm so worried about their bones.

So please heed my warning, if you do not have to be in this position, don't be. I've left out some really gory bits that happen longer term. You need resources and support to end this.

Generally I agree with you. Especially when entitled men complain about their wives being difficult or not wanting sex etc. I never contribute to those.

But this story sounds like it has at its core a young woman who needs help. If somehow posting on here indirectly helps her, I'll do it

I’d suggest OP finds a way to get her to a GP

What did you have in mind? Chloroform? A horse trailer?

I jest, sort of. But OP's girlfriend has been crystal clear she doesn't want him all up in her weight and eating and she certainly doesn't want to visit the doctor with him. No matter how many right-thinking people agree with him, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Eating disorders are very, very difficult, for everyone, the sufferer and everyone around them. His practical options are to accept that it's out of his hands, and if he can't deal with that, to end the relationship. Being in a relationship may not be what is best for his GF right now anyway if she has an active eating disorder.

Would the medication (accutane) she is taking requires fairly frequent reviews by a GP?
A smart GP would see how unwell she is, though she may be doing a very good job of hiding it (baggy clothing).

From what I was told, GP acknowledged the weight but never said anything further

If your GF is under the grips of anorexia she is likely not to be telling you the truth.