Help with my girlfriends weight

[ConfusedBoyfriend]

I’m coming up on one year with my girlfriend, who is my first love, and there’s something that’s been on my mind for a while now. My girlfriend is 5’3” and about 37kg (81 lbs), and I’m genuinely concerned about her weight. To my knowledge, she doesn’t have any eating disorders, but it’s clear that she’s underweight.

I’ve tried to gently encouraging her to eat enough calories consistently, especially when we’re out together, by suggesting she finish her meals or enjoy desserts and snacks. Unfortunately, this rarely happens, and when I’ve brought it up outside of a food-related context, the response has been the same. This was raised in a gentle and a way that indicated this was from safe space.

Recently, she has asked to stop with my concern. While she appreciates that I care, she insists she knows her body best. What complicates things further is that her ex-boyfriend had similar concerns but expressed them in a very toxic way. Her friends, who are qualified doctors, supported her and assured her that she was fine.

My main concerns are long-term—especially when it comes to pregnancy and adulthood. I don’t think this is a healthy weight to maintain, and while it’s a difficult issue, I believe it’s something that can be addressed.

I’m considering bringing this up in person, as we usually discuss issues over text (which she prefers), but if she doesn't want to change then I'm not sure where to go next.

I dont live with her for reference. Her mum and brother are also quite skinny

I know this is not a typical post but I just need all the advice or input I can get here.

Part of me feels like I haven't tried hard enough to address this. I've spoken to her and reminded her about making sure she gets enough calories, but it feels like I'm just skirting around the issue. I think it might be time for one final and more direct conversation about her weight and the potential long-term health problems it could cause.

Its only recently, she told me that she understands her body best, but I worry that this conversation will end the same way as before. Part of me wonders if it might be better to walk away without having that final talk, so she doesn’t feel like I left because of her weight or body (I know this is selfish but just the thought of her thinking that destroys me)

@ConfusedBoyfriend
I think if I was in your shoes and wanting to finish the relationship (I'm sorry), talking about your concerns about her weight/health one last time will not help either of you.
You have already spoken to her about it; she knows how you feel.
Maybe let her know you are available as her friend if you feel able to do that.

If she is not ready to face her anorexia, there is nothing you can do, and it's not your fault.

I want to add to this that when you leave there is a high chance she may try to manipulate you into saying it's because of the eating disorder, or because she's ugly or not beautiful enough. She probably won't even know she's doing it to be manipulative. It's all part of the horrible disease that because it consumes your thoughts it becomes your ego. The loss of control within the relationship may just spark some irrational words or actions.

Please remember why you're leaving and choose your words carefully. Remember you don't actually owe an explanation, and your unhappiness is enough to politely and firmly end things.

Really you're not leaving because she's anorexic or because she's not beautiful enough which is how she might see it. You're leaving because you don't feel heard in this relationship, and whilst you love her, you have to love yourself more and she's had enough chances to demonstrate that she has heard you and has genuinely taken your concerns on board.

Please remember in whatever you say to her, it is unlikely to make a difference. It didn’t with my dd. I asked a friend to talk to her. Dd’s friend also wanted a boy dd was sweet on to have a word with her. He refused, it was much pressure. But i know now it wouldn’t have helped. Nothing would have helped.

I do know someone, who had anorexia when younger and was constantly complaining about her life etc. The thing, which turned it around was when she and her friend were 19 and her friend ran out of patience with her. The friend having empathised for months snapped and was a bit stroppy, saying something along the lines of “what do you expect me to do about it”.

Please remember in whatever you say to her, it is unlikely to make a difference

This. I've been arguably harsh in this thread because I've been there. I ended up walking away from a friend with an ED, because I could no longer take the lies and the emotional demands. My support, when she had it, made no difference. When I withdrew it, it made no difference. I was always irrelevant.

You can't fix someone else, even when they want you do. You double can't fix someone else when they don't want you to. The only person's health and behaviour you can influence in this situation is your own.

Some people don’t want to eat liquid ice cream. My mother used to eat lots of ice cream in her 20s in an attempt to put on weight but it didn’t work. I eat plenty of ice cream and I’m a 6-8 in current sizing.

I think you might be right about the “final talk”. If she has a problem she will have to deal with eventually but your words are not likely to have an effect. If she doesn’t have a problem you’re barking up the wrong tree.

Try and end it the kindest, friendliest way possible. There’s no point ending on a bad note for nothing.

Hi, If I am not wrong, it looks like everyone immediately assumes that OP's partner has anorexia. He did say that she struggles to finish food, but I don't think it's possible to make a diagnosis simply on that basis. There are many different types of eating disorder, for a start. I am very thin (naturally - my parents were both very thin and they ate a lot) and I have also had a couple of EDs over the years. I no longer have anorexia, but have other issues. Unlike what many of the posters here have suggested, I have been very grateful to past partners trying to help me with my eating issues. And they have helped me a lot.

I do think that, like alcoholics, anorexics (and no doubt others) need to want to get better in order to truly recover. However, not all EDs are anorexia. And my particular issues were helped greatly by supportive partners. I realise that this may not be the case for the OP, but I wanted to make it clear that not everyone who is underweight has anorexia and that some people really can be helped.

I'd be weirded out if my bf was bringing up things like consequences for 'pregnancy'. I mean yes there could be. But its certainly not your place to bring that up with a 23 year old gf. Maybe she won't want kids anyway.

I think you're being pushy. Either support her and love her or sod off. You can't fix her, IF she's even ill. Eating disorders are between her and her doctor.