Help with my girlfriends weight

[ConfusedBoyfriend]

I’m coming up on one year with my girlfriend, who is my first love, and there’s something that’s been on my mind for a while now. My girlfriend is 5’3” and about 37kg (81 lbs), and I’m genuinely concerned about her weight. To my knowledge, she doesn’t have any eating disorders, but it’s clear that she’s underweight.

I’ve tried to gently encouraging her to eat enough calories consistently, especially when we’re out together, by suggesting she finish her meals or enjoy desserts and snacks. Unfortunately, this rarely happens, and when I’ve brought it up outside of a food-related context, the response has been the same. This was raised in a gentle and a way that indicated this was from safe space.

Recently, she has asked to stop with my concern. While she appreciates that I care, she insists she knows her body best. What complicates things further is that her ex-boyfriend had similar concerns but expressed them in a very toxic way. Her friends, who are qualified doctors, supported her and assured her that she was fine.

My main concerns are long-term—especially when it comes to pregnancy and adulthood. I don’t think this is a healthy weight to maintain, and while it’s a difficult issue, I believe it’s something that can be addressed.

I’m considering bringing this up in person, as we usually discuss issues over text (which she prefers), but if she doesn't want to change then I'm not sure where to go next.

I dont live with her for reference. Her mum and brother are also quite skinny

I know this is not a typical post but I just need all the advice or input I can get here.

Call me a liar if you like but you don’t know my DD. She can pack away loads of food. Maybe she has a fast metabolism, who knows, but I stand by my statement, she eats a lot (and no, not all crap) and has barely changed in years. I hold her jeans up and probably couldn’t get my arm in one of her legs! She’s just done a 7hr walk up and down a mountain, so she’s definitely fit enough.

So there's no need for a boyfriend in the whole thing, then.

A GP can't do anything for someone who doesn't want help either.

@DreadPirateRobots
If the GF loses more weight and her organs start to fail I'd like to think the GP would advise inpatient treatment under a section.

I am sorry to say there is nothing you can do. If she has an eating disorder, she will absolutely resist you attempts to help, and she will be immensely clever in concealing it from you. If she hasn't, then it's still not your business.

www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-help/girlfriend

Hopefully so. Again, though, there's really no role for a nagging boyfriend in the whole thing. Unless and until the GF's health starts to fail to the extent that she is considered to lack capacity, she has been clear that she doesn't want "help".

I think it's a bit harsh to use the phrase "nagging boyfriend" in this situation.

Is your DD really as underweight as OP's GF? BMI of less than 15?
We're not talking about the few, very, very small people who lie a little bit outside the healthy BMI range.

@ConfusedBoyfriend
This is your opportunity to end it, or continue.

Trust your gut … you are reaching out in MN because you know GF has a problem, you tried to talk about it and she told you to back off. The issue- it’s complex and the info she is giving you seems to not add up.

Do you want to continue in a relationship that is like this right now, your partner telling you to leave her alone. The no birth control, & taking accutane, everyone tells me I’m healthy .. doesn’t add up. If you, just a guy, notice a concern … then others will have too. She could instead of pushing you away, be drawing you closer, talking it through, see a doctor together & assure you there is no problem.

Consider how you would handle if she had a concern about your health. You have a suspicious mole. You tell her u talked to several friends who are “doctors” & they said it’s fine. But she was still concerned. She is worried it’s cancer … how would you handle it? Tell her buzz off?

If she does have a ED, you need to know, and understand long term how will impact your relationship. In same way if you had this cancerous mole, she would want to know, will it spread, will chemo impact fertility … will u die?
ED and cancer can be treated … ignoring or hiding it is not healthy.

Thank you everyone for your advice. Its been quite mentally tough over the last few days trying to figure out how to navigate this.

GP must have known her weight to give her her Roaccutane dosage.

With that BMI you would assume immediate referral to ED services if the GP was concerned.

OP does she look overly skinny/scrawny to you? Have you seen photos of her when she was younger and as a child - has she always been this slim?

@Coconutter24 looking out for other people when done in the right way isn’t treating them like a child, OPS ‘help’ is coming across like he’s treating her like a child because he’s not doing it in the right way.

You agree with me that it's OK for people to help underweight people, yet, you are criticising someone for trying to help someone who is very clearly underweight because he's supposedly doing it the wrong way. How should he do it instead?

She may be underweight but that isn’t always due to an eating disorder. Some people are naturally underweight and no amount of eating changes that

Some people may be underweight due to various reasons, including medical problems, but any medical issues should be addressed and treated. Excluding medical reasons, it is absolutely not true that some people are magically underweight and "no amount of eating changes that." If you take a normal person and feed them fast food 3 times a day, they are guaranteed to become fat.

Given that her family are all skinny it could be ‘normal’ for her

The only thing that I can conclude from this statement is that you are mathematically inept and you are poor with numbers, which is why you do not understand just how small 37 kg is. Yes, even for a 5'3'' woman. Yes, even for Asian women (generally advised to stay thinner due to the increased risk of diabetes).

Yes she does look very skinny. I have quite a few photos during her time in school and she was also very skinny back down. She has mentioned she has been around this weight for a long time.

Ive spoken with my parents and they think it maybe time to walk away. Part of me feels like I should have one more conversation with her in person and before I move on.

Any opinions or suggestions?

How should he do it instead?

Not by telling her to eat all her food, for one if she hasn’t any eating issues it’s patronising and two if she does have issues telling someone to eat all their food really isn’t going to help.

If you take a normal person and feed them fast food 3 times a day, they are guaranteed to become fat.

Not really relevant here she’s not eating fast food 3 times a day. Some people can eat endless amounts and not gain weight, you might not find that ‘normal’ but for some it is

which is why you do not understand just how small 37 kg is.

Im fully aware how small 37kg is

Ive spoken with my parents and they think it maybe time to walk away. Part of me feels like I should have one more conversation with her in person and before I move on.

Have your parents met her? Do they think she may have eating issues?

@Coconutter24 How should he do it instead? Not by telling her to eat all her food, for one if she hasn’t any eating issues it’s patronising and two if she does have issues telling someone to eat all their food really isn’t going to help.

You didn't answer my question.

Not really relevant here she’s not eating fast food 3 times a day. Some people can eat endless amounts and not gain weight, you might not find that ‘normal’ but for some it is

I didn't say she was eating fast food 3 times a day. I am aware there are certain medical conditions that make it very difficult for people to gain weight, but unless OP confirms she has one of those conditions, we can assume she is, for the most part, a fairly normal person. And for normal people, it is absolute nonsense that some people can eat endless amounts and not gain weight.

Im fully aware how small 37kg is

Evidently not.

No they haven't. They have seen pictures without knowing her weight and did have concerns.

And for normal people, it is absolute nonsense that some people can eat endless amounts and not gain weight.

Some people can’t eat endless amounts. Can’t gain weight can mean they don’t put weight on like others would on the same calories; but it can also mean they can’t force themselves to eat the amount they would need to gain significant weight.

It’s very difficult to call it blind. But if you’re not happy in the relationship or you do think she’s got a serious problem she’s not dealing with - it’s fine to end it.

Liquid ice cream.

Feed liquid ice cream to anyone, and they will become fat very quickly.

I personally couldn't stay with someone if they had a very serious eating disorder. It's not that I wouldn't care - I'd care so much that it would tear me apart. There's nothing you can do to make her eat. That frustration and helplessness you must feel is a difficult thing to live with.

Wish could remember a show on TV … / childhood friends now in twenties. one fat and one slim. Slim one eats LOADS & never gains. Fat friend eats Nothing. Our whole lives! Slim friend eats like a horse!

TV people track them for some weeks. Weigh them, count the calories, count the activities.

Guess the result?
Fat friend ate more calories, exceeded her recommended. Less active.
Slim friend ate less calories, stayed at correct amount to maintain weight, was more active.

Somehow myth was created that the slim one ate SO much & never gained!

Abslutely this, you sound so miserable

It is ok to an a relationship for any reason. And you do sound unhappy. Much as I understand the pull to want to help your gf, I know how difficult it is to support someone with anorexia, especially if they’re in complete denial and don’t want to be helped. It sounds as if your gf is possibly very mentally unwell.

It is ok to walk away and look after yourself. Of course your parents are going to want to protect you and for her not to pull you down too. This is natural and your parents are trying to protect you. Having read the thread, some people are definitely advising you to end things because it is incredibly hard to support someone with anorexia.

My dd is anorexic. The emotional expenditure I have gone through to get her to eat and the pressure to get her mentally well is enormous. My dd like your gf has no concept of just how ill she is. It is easier for me only because she is a dependent child. Your gf otoh needs to want to save herself before she can be saved. I think you have probably been through a lot this last year and I understand you love this woman but it’s ok to let go.