Still in shock - assaulted by my husband

[Bluecustardsweets]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for reading my post.

As my title says, I was physically assaulted by my husband of 5 years a few days ago and I’m still in total shock.

We have had a loving and respectful relationship. His mental health really started to suffer about a year ago.

I have a 10 year old DS with my abusive ex partner and my husband and I have a 18 month old DS together.

My husbands mental health deteriorated due to a number of factors- work, hardly any sleep with DS as baby and one of the biggest factors has been the ongoing stress having to communicate with abusive ex husband.

My 10 year old son has been told by my abusive ex not to talk to my husband.

He had been such a kind, thoughtful, gentle person until the assault. He was feeling particularly stressed and unhappy that day lashed out at me. He really hurt me, I have lots of bruises and he was arrested and can not come to the property.

not sure what else to say, I’m just so devastated.

Checking in with hugs for you today. It’s a very different situation obviously but I’ve just found out it’s going to take me a long time longer to recover from some medical issues than I thought. Like you I just want to put it behind me and get on with it, but sometimes life dictates differently. Be patient with your healing process and focus on nourishing yourself physically and mentally. You have so many people here rooting for each step you take <3

Thank you so much @CookiePookie i am so greatful for the words of strength.
physically I am better than I was, still bruising to the face which is embarrassing when I go out with my little one. I did make it out to a soft play this morning. I’m also still feeling pain in my back but luckily there weren’t any breaks of fractures. Thanks again, truly means so much x

@TealPoet im So sorry to hear you have found out that news. Sending you strength for your recovery too. I am so greatful for you routing for me x

Still here OP. I think you are doing a fantastic job of putting one foot in front of the other. Some people hesitate or turn around but you keep plodding on, you will get out of the darkness and into the light eventually 🌻

Oh thank you @AutumnFroglets 🩵💛🙏🏻 I’m having my little moments when I’m really struggling. My husband used to help a lot with our DC too so not everything falls on me I’m feeling exhausted. But I will keep plodding on and doing my best. Xx

Op you really sound like an amazing and strong person. Getting out of the house so soon after your ordeal is impressive. I'm thinking of you and I hope things start looking upwards. It's a terrible shock and very confusing when people seem to change character like this.

I hope you don't feel responsible for him after his breakdown. You have enough on your plate with you and the kids. All the best to you, you're awesome.

Thanks so much @Bigcat25 your message came at a very helpful time as I’m starting to wobble again.🙏🏻💗

My mind races to what I could have done better. As I’ve said earlier in the thread, my partner has been amazing up until the last few months, last one in particular. He had started to be more snappy (he had never been like this before, he’d also emotionally break down and start sobbing in front of our little one, he’d sometimes go off to bed just as I was dishing up dinner, he once or twice drove off and I had no idea where he was going and he had been in a terrible state before it. I really tried to show care for him when o could. I took the kids away a few times to give him space, helped him find therapists, encouraged him to phone Samarotans etc

more recently he’s said I don’t let him make any decisions eg food shop, toys for our little one. This is true, I have been controlling that sort of thing. I know it’s unfair but it’s been my way of coping from a difficult upbringing, bullying at school and a terribly abusive ex. I find myself needing to control those things and having everything neat and in its place. He was always assuring me it didn’t matter but towards the end he did start to say I was very frustrating to live with.

I wonder if I just drove him to this insanity.

Please don't think you drove him to insanity! You didn't, and you aren't responsible for his wellbeing. You have already directed him to other resources and you can't do anything more than that.

I don't think he has been secretly hiding an abusive nature all these yrs, (as a pp eluded) it sounds like he has something wrong psychologically or has developed an addiction. (You mentioned being not well and driving somewhere) That said, some abusers don't show their true colors until their partner becomes pregnant or has a child, when it's harder to leave.

I'm sure it's harder for you to deal with and understand, given that this hasn't been typical behavior for him. I know I'd find it a mindfuck. I guess the rambling point I'm trying to make is don't feel like you have to figure him out or understand him.

I'm sorry I'm not any type of expert so I should stop talking now. Just wanted to say that you have my sympathy.

Thank you @Bigcat25 he also has autism and gets overwhelmed/ has melt downs. In my head I know there’s not much more I could have done but I still feel absolutely terrible. My ex partner also said I was terrible to live with (he was horribly abusive though) so I blame myself and find it hard not too. Your words really do give me comfort so thank you xx

Do NOT blame yourself. He is an adult, a supposedly rational and functional adult for most of his life. If he found your food shop too stifling (what does that mean anyway - couldn't physically go into a shop, wasn't allowed to choose a meal?) he could have suggested counselling for communication issues, or a family meeting situation where everyone thrashes it out, or just a proper discussion with you regarding problem, feelings, compromise, conclusion. Did he? Or did he just moan and whine about it not being fair?

Sometimes in life we have to accept responsibility for ourselves. Out of love and kindness you found therapists, you encouraged him to seek help, you gave him space - but he had to take responsibility for the final steps. He didn't.

Thank you so much. I used to try and agree a meal plan for the week with him and I’d like to do the shop.

I agree we could have tried counselling together although we’d already both spent a lot of money on private individual counselling.

he was always supportive of me saying he knew it just came from the trauma I’d experienced and was a coping mechanism. I could see and hear it did get hard for him in the end.

still no right to attack me though xx

I still don't get it. Someone has to have responsibility for it otherwise it doesn't work and there's never enough meals/rushing to get food in that night. That's not controlling or a coping mechanism, that's being an organised grown up. That's not to say there aren't people who prefer spontaneity every night but most of us prefer knowing in advance. It's cheaper too. You just have to read the many threads on here to know your way is the preferred way.

I used to try and agree a meal plan for the week with him
So you tried but he stopped engaging.... yeah, that's not on you. Don't you dare accept any blame for that.

@Bluecustardsweets I haven't read through all the thread but notice you are wondering if you drove him to this.

Remember the three C's

You didn't cause it

You can't control it

You can't cure it.

Sending hugs x

Hi, I am going through similar at the moment. I’ve found writing in a journal has helped me a lot. I bought one from Amazon which has prompts in it rather than just writing on a whim. Walking is great too. I use it as an opportunity to listen to music or a podcast which you might find is a good distraction? Also music can really lift your mood.
There is also a free online course I found called Bloom. I can send you the link in a message if you like? It’s week by week so not too overwhelming 💖

@AutumnFroglets I think he was struggling with the rigidity of me doing all the food shop. Although he’s work abroad too and when he was doing that he’d obviously come and go and buy whatever he liked. I think he wanted to be a bit more spontaneous but as much as I like that too, with two children that’s not easy when as you say you want to be organised and there’s so much going on

Thank you 💗🙏🏻@ichangedthenameforthis im definitely someone who wants to help, wanted him to be cured from all the pain and frustrations he was feeling but I agree it is out of my control. Also I just wished he’d go away for a few days to cool off and get himself together rather than attacking me and devastating mine and our children’s lives

@addictedtolove022 im so sorry to hear you are going through a similar situation, it’s devastating isn’t it. I hope you are beginning or well on your way to recovery. Thanks so much for the tips 🙏🏻🩵 would love the Bloom link please

Dear Bluecustard

You have done your very best. IN NO WAY is any of this your fault.
I know you have that abusive ex in your head, blaming you, but he was WRONG. It will take time for you to accept this because of what y ou have been through.
You did not ask to be abused by either of them.

I am so sorry you are in pain. We care about you. Big hugs. xxx

@NonsuchCastle thank you 🙏🏻💗 for some reason your post made me well up with emotion. I think the bit about doing my very best and the care bit at the end. Thank you for such lovely words. I think I just feel exhausted from trying my best and then everything crashing down. Also that I just want my parents to show some genuine care and empathy. As I said earlier in my posts I’m getting the absolute silent treatment from mum and dad came over to help on the day I had to go to hospital. Since then a couple of brief text messages from dad. Still nothing from mum. I thought they might put everything aside for once (past issues we e had) and just say I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve it, we care. But no, the silence hurts a lot. I suppose that’s what contributed to me getting into the heavily abusive relationship. The desperate need to feel ‘good enough’ ‘accepted’ that I wasn’t to blame. Thing is this has just given them more things to be able to talk amongst themselves. I have siblings who seem to enjoy saying I’m attracted to bad men. I chose to block them out a long time ago because it all just felt so negative and blaming. There was no humility or understanding.

Ugh, no wonder you are vulnerable to manipulation from abusive men.

I am glad you blocked your siblings if they are negative and blaming you.
The old cliche "you can't choose your family" stands.

Your parents: Obviously I don't know them so I can only speak in generalisations and suggestions.

I don't know what generation they are but some older people (and some not older) just cannot express love in words or sometimes even in actions. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't feel love. They just withdraw or pretend things are not happening.

My mother would blame me for everything - from arguments with other kids to more adult matters. She wasn't all bad. She did love me. But this isn't about me (haha!).

In the end, we have to look at our parents as people not just our mum and dad.
A lot of people spend decades trying to gain their parents' approval or love. It's heartbreaking. And it can lead us to being vulnerable to manipulation. Abusive men can sense vulnerability.

Sometimes it's better to stop trying to get your parents' approval and love and concentrate on other things that are good that you DO have. You might never get what you want from them. I don't know.

You seem like a very likeable, intelligent , caring and thoughtfulperson. Hugs.

I’m sorry your mother blamed you for everything @NonsuchCastle thats truly unfair. It’s a very valid point you make, to stop trying to get their approval and concentrate on other good things and other people in my life. Thank you, I agree with that and think it’s a good way of thinking x

Morning ladies 💗🙏🏻💓🌸

just wanted to send my thanks to everyone that has posted on this thread. It has been a horrendous few days, frightening, painful in every way and traumatising. The messages have given me some strength, encouragement and belief that I can do this. Taking each step at a time. Despite not knowing people personally I have that feeling of warmth and a hand hold that does make me feel comforted.

the physical pain was so bad for quite a few days from the injury of the assault I couldn’t even get out of bed without sliding to the side and literally sitting on the floor to raise up, but now I’m slowly recovering. I think what made me so upset with that is I couldn’t even lift my tiny child without being in pain.

sneding my strength to other mums both going through something similar now or who went through it many years ago. 🌸💛🩵

Hope you're doing ok today Bluecustard! Can I ask, is your x getting supervised visits with the kids or is that not resolved yet? Has he been released from custody?

Hello @Bigcat25
thanks so much for checking in. I’m still a bit of a roller coaster of emotions but this week overall has definitely been better than last. Hope you are ok too lovely 💗🙏🏻

My partner has not requested to see our little one yet. He’s also not allowed to contact me directly. My older child is with his dad half the time (this was ordered by the courts years ago)

I had social services around to meet both children again and it seemed to go ok.

it’s just a waiting game now.

Ive organised some counselling as feel I really need to to things through with someone neutral xx

Glad that SS went well and you have some counselling. Not much to say but it sounds like you're handling everything as well as you possibly could be.

I'm pretty good, thanks for asking! Sending a hug.