Still in shock - assaulted by my husband

[Bluecustardsweets]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for reading my post.

As my title says, I was physically assaulted by my husband of 5 years a few days ago and I’m still in total shock.

We have had a loving and respectful relationship. His mental health really started to suffer about a year ago.

I have a 10 year old DS with my abusive ex partner and my husband and I have a 18 month old DS together.

My husbands mental health deteriorated due to a number of factors- work, hardly any sleep with DS as baby and one of the biggest factors has been the ongoing stress having to communicate with abusive ex husband.

My 10 year old son has been told by my abusive ex not to talk to my husband.

He had been such a kind, thoughtful, gentle person until the assault. He was feeling particularly stressed and unhappy that day lashed out at me. He really hurt me, I have lots of bruises and he was arrested and can not come to the property.

not sure what else to say, I’m just so devastated.

To be honest don’t blame yourself for this, it’s probably more common than you think. Unfortunately you were open in your recent relationship that you were previously abused and some men thrive on that. He may have seemed a nice guy but in the back of his head, he may have liked that you were vulnerable or thought in a way that you deserve abuse, hence why he attacked you himself.

I’d recommend that you stay single for the foreseeable future because at the moment you’re susceptible to abuse and you need time, space, therapy etc to heal. This could take years.

Plus it won’t look good to social services if you jump into another relationship “soon”, after 2 abusive relationships. They’ll rightfully have concerns.

@Smittenkitchen @NonsuchCastle Thanks so much ladies xx

I'm so sorry. Well done for being strong. XXXXX

Thank you @Italiangreyhound @onfiree 💗🙏🏻

Thanks for your kind words @Allthehorsesintheworld and I’m sorry you have been in an abusive relationship and treated so poorly.

i did go to hospital and the X-rays showed no breaks but lots of heavy bruising.

it’s the internal bruising that hurts the most and lasts the longest though.

im also annoyed I can’t remember all of it

I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

You sound like an incredibly strong woman and your children are lucky to have a mother like you ❤️

OP, when you can, find a family law solicitor with a free initial consultation offer and find out your options for going forward re house, finances, children etc.
Good to have your ducks in a row. When you feel strong enough. xxx

I’m so sorry this has happened. Sending love. You’ve 100% done the right thing. I grew up in a house where my dad was occasionally abusive towards my mum and frequently terrifying and aggressive towards me. It was hideous and the result for me has been I have never had a healthy romantic relationship. I don’t blame my mum for not leaving but my life definitely would have been better if she had. You have totally got this.

@NonsuchCastle thanks so much, I think that’s very good advice.

@Choochoo21 thanks so much too, I’m not feeling strong right now but I knew what I had to do, protecting my children and ensuring they had a mother that could be there for them was all I could think of in that moment.

I was terrified but my inner being said get them out.

it’s horrendous when you know the man you’re love is having a breakdown but I know there’s no excuse for violence, no reason I deserved that. I don’t know where it came from, I don’t think I’ll ever understand

Oh god how awful for you.

Firstly, well done for having the courage to call the police and have him arrested. Unless someone has been in that position they have no real ides of just how hard that call is to make.

Your Dad is an arsehole, although thinking back to my Mum's reaction when my exh assaulted me, I do wonder if they just blurt out the first thing that comes into their heads without really processing what they are saying.

From experience; use this time while he is not allowed near the house to gather every scrap of financial info you can. Make sure you can see a solicitor and then make sure that all communication goes via them if you can afford it. If not get yourself a new mobile sim and only allow him to contact you via that. Create an email address specifically for communication with him. It means you only have to deal with him when you want to rather than him invading your life on your normal number.

Tell your friends, tell anyone you cam, because you are gonna need them in your corner for when your resolve weakens.

You are absolutely doing the right thing, but try not to try and justify his actions with excuses like stress and communication with your ex. He made a conscious choice to assault you. He decided to hurt you. He didn't have to, he made a choice.

Stay strong!

@SummerHoHoHoNy ah thank you 🩷🙏🏻 I am so sorry you had an awful, abusive upbringing. It’s so kind of you to post. I really appreciate it 🙏🏻

Thank you @ThisBlueCrab I’m sorry to hear you’ve been assaulted by an ex too. I hope you you are in a much more peaceful place now. 💗

I was married to someone who I thought was a kind caring gentle person,, for almost a decade.

Until one morning last November when I asked him to leave, he was going to punch me, l rung the police and he took all three of my children in car while I waited for the police to arrive.

By that time I suffered an acute stress reaction too because I was so shocked at his behaviour it was always in hindsight Dr Jekyll and Hyde behaviour.

From Dec - March had to wait to see my older children, who are 6 and 8.

He did return my youngest in December who was three at the time.

Did I ever think he would do something like that, never ever?

I'm so sorry he has hurt you in this way.

My ex then used my acute stress reaction as a basis for not returning my older children to my care.

But courts, will look at medical evidence, there was none in my case and even if there is as long as no concerns were raised in past not a lot of weight is given to ex partners who raise mental health. They are probably used to that being used against women and judges are Thank God very fact based.

From March to August ( because of interim court order) I saw my two older children EOW / half holidays .

Thankfully after the CAFCASS report, the final judgement was made and all three children are back in my care.

I now use the parenting app so children can communicate with their dad.

My ex didn't ever directly physical abuse me but in hindsight there was emotional and psychological abuse spanning a decade that I was in denial over.

Yes my parents were not initially supportive and wanted me to return to him. I had to ring the Samaritans line for support as it felt like such a deep betrayal on their part.

The last year has been horrendous but one thing I am sure about is that the man I married was an abuser all along, he chose to hide it very well.

Please be very kind and compassionate to yourself.
You were manipulated into thinking this person was decent.

Underneath the surface is probably a lot of deep set Misogyny from their childhood truama.

None of it is actually a reflection on you whatsoever.
Please seek professional support in terms of therapy and counselling to help you understand how to create self esteem and self-worth again.

Sending you lots of love

xx

Good Evening
I think your family are in as much shock as you. Please hear me out … if your partner was as lovely as you said he was, this must have come as a shock.
BUT THEY SHOULD HAVE SUPPORTED YOU.
Please try to be kind to yourself, you really have done the right thing by calling the police. Please do not let this man back in your house. He sounds a little unstable right now and I would not want him near my children or me.
What has happened to you is just awful and you must be devastated. But please also be proud. Proud that you are a strong woman who is not going to be abused quite honestly you sound amazing.
Get good professional advice, don’t listen to either of these partners because they will still be trying to abuse you mentally, don’t let them only listen to the professionals.
I wish you well and keep using this forum, it will provide you with much needed support.
Keep reminding yourself of what a brilliant mother and person you are ❤️

Please ensure you have a good solicitor to represent you.

An IDVA will help too.

You need all the support you can get to ensure you protect yourself and your children.

Gosh this must be so hard for you. What a terrible thing to deal with. Sending hugs xx

So sorry this happened to you OP.

A word of warning. Later on, don’t listen to the siren “therapy” voices that hasten to tell you that you unconsciously “pick” the “wrong” kind of man (also known as victim blaming). There are far more bad men out there than we’re comfortable admitting, as evidenced by the current trial in France concerning a woman whose husband drugged her so that her multiple (90!) neighbours could rape her.

Good luck with seeing this through and coming out happier the other side.

It's so refreshing to hear someone on here actually putting their children first well done op. You will be absolutely fine and so will your children. mh is no excuse for violent behaviour. I wish you all the best for your future xx

It was a long time ago now. It took time to heal, he both physically and sexually assaulted me.

I met someone and had a child, but he was more of a rebound really. It didn't last and we split when dd was 4, we stayed under the same roof for 18 months and then I got my own place with dd. There was nothing awful, we just became friends who happened to have a kid together and I wanted more. We are still close friends. His older 2 are adults now but they were are and will always be my bonus kids. We have an amazing relationship and I love them like they are mine.

Dd is now 11 and I married the man of my dreams last month.

There is light at the end of the tunnel @Bluecustardsweets.

But be prepared. There will be people here and IRL who tell you you have overreacted, that you family are in shock, that DH is sorry, is a good man, good him a chance etc etc. There will even be at least 1 who says you must have done something for 2 men to have abused you.

Prepare your battle armour because your DH and his family/friends will manipulate everything to make him look good and you bad. Grey rock everything. Refuse to discuss. Tell those you care about the most so you have an army to defend you. But be prepared for a battle.

Use MN, there are more of us here who have been where you are now than there should be in this day and age. But we are here to support you!

@ThisBlueCrab so happy for you things have worked out so well for you but sad you had to go through so much too x

Thank you so much @Differentstarts 💗

Sending you strength and solidarity. You have been (and are still going) through a horrific ordeal, but you have demonstrated so much strength and courage by reporting this and putting yourself and your children first. And this is all that social workers will want to see - that you are able to prioritise yourself and your children.

Abusive partners/ex partners frequently try to use the “mental health” card, the police/social services/courts are very used to it. It is a form of psychological abuse. As a pp said, they will go off of facts - are you prioritising well, do you have a significant, concerning mental health history that is impacting yours and your children’s lives… it sounds like you’re making good choices, so I would guess even if you do have some mental health history (let’s face it, who doesn’t, really), then that will not be given any space.

You said that you had been in touch with a local domestic abuse organisation - if they haven’t already offered you support from an IDVA, please ask them if this is available because they are an amazing support, especially if those around you have not shown you the support that you absolutely deserve. I have an IDVA currently and I am so so grateful for their support.

Try and take things slowly. Your body needs time to heal, but your mind will take much longer. Be as kind and gentle to yourself as possible and talk to yourself as if you were talking to a dear friend when you’re finding things hard. Sending lots of love xxx

Awful situation OP, and I do hope you stay strong, and don’t allow this man back in your life. In defence of your parents, they might be frustrated with the fact that, as you state, they have expressed concerns with your previous relationship, and then saw you be in a subsequent relationship with someone else who turned out to be abusive, and are questioning your judgement. They are probably concerned for the safety of both you and their grandchild. Maybe they feel their concerns when raised with you were dismissed. You should now spend time alone with your dc and give relationships a swerve for a while.

Thanks so much @Rubia3 @LightSpeeds 🙏🏻