Still in shock - assaulted by my husband

[Bluecustardsweets]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for reading my post.

As my title says, I was physically assaulted by my husband of 5 years a few days ago and I’m still in total shock.

We have had a loving and respectful relationship. His mental health really started to suffer about a year ago.

I have a 10 year old DS with my abusive ex partner and my husband and I have a 18 month old DS together.

My husbands mental health deteriorated due to a number of factors- work, hardly any sleep with DS as baby and one of the biggest factors has been the ongoing stress having to communicate with abusive ex husband.

My 10 year old son has been told by my abusive ex not to talk to my husband.

He had been such a kind, thoughtful, gentle person until the assault. He was feeling particularly stressed and unhappy that day lashed out at me. He really hurt me, I have lots of bruises and he was arrested and can not come to the property.

not sure what else to say, I’m just so devastated.

No advice I can give, just lots of hugs. I’m so sorry you’ve been through this and that your parents aren’t being the protective rocks they should be for you. You deserve better and you didn’t cause any of this.

Thank you so much @cestlavielife I really did try to support him, found him therapists, gave him space to be on own, recommended he call various help services, listened to him. He was self harming and would also wonder off from time to time. It became so difficult to know what to do or how to help him. He’d always been so kind but then started getting snappier towards end saying what’s talking going to do. He did at times become frustrated with me. I admit I controlled the food shop, something I did as a coping mechanism after abusive ex. I also liked the house super tidy. But never EVER would I believe in a million years he’d do that

Thank you @TealPoet I feel a lot of shame and guilt. I know I didn’t deserve it but I feel terrible for my children and feel like my parents just expected me never to be in a stable relationship

Gentle hugs from me. You are an amazingly strong woman and you did absolutely nothing to warrent this, it is all on him

Unfortunately once a woman has been in one abusive relationship they are more likely to end up in another, unless they get some decent therapy first. Perhaps when you are in a better place you could try The Freedom Programme as recommended by others here.

You've done so well, OP. It's amazingly brave to immediately call the police. So many women can't take that entirely correct leap straightaway. I'm so pleased that you're so clear headed about your worth and your children's environment. But like everyone else, devastated that you have been attacked so badly and aren't getting the family support anyone would ordinarily expect. Just massive support though - you've got it right, you're doing amazing.

So you tried to help for a while... Sadly you cannot cure someone. It s hard but you now have to pull away. He needs to be charged. He can plead mental illness. But that s for him.
Focus on your recovery and your dc. You got this.

I've had social services involved too, and if anything have found them really understanding and supportive. Please try not to worry. You've done the right thing getting your children away from both of these men and they'll recognise that.

My ex has tried to paint me as mentally ill too, so I know how that feels as well. Please try not to let it get to you and know that the professionals can see straight through that sort of behaviour.

Could you contact Women's Aid for support? They and my GP really helped me through the toughest parts.

Thanks so much @cestlavielife I agree, I commit 100% and find it so hard to see him in such a bad way but also felt very distant when he wasn’t doing enough for himself. I know he is utterly disgusted and shocked at his action but it will never take away what happened.

And thanks so much@Corksoles @AutumnFroglets i immediatly knew this just had to be reported. I had to protect my children and I was utterly terrified.

@Cryingatthegym So sorry you’re painted you as mentally ill too. It’s disgusting behaviour. He will do absolutely anything to continue to try and destroy me. This situation is now making it a million times worse with him. I really hope ss will see through him I’m just scared as the family courts didn’t. Thanks again 💗

I have been in touch with local domestic abuse charity which has been very helpful. Thanks for suggesting xx

I'm so sorry he did this to you OP, sending you gentle hugs 🫂 and I'm sorry that your parents haven't been more supportive. You have done the right thing, you are a strong woman dealing with the shock, pain, fear and grief that such an attack brings - yet you have safeguarded yourself and your son. Don't fret about what abusive ex says, you are in no way at fault and social services will see that. It will take a while for the shock and fear to wear off so be kind to yourself lovely 💐

I’m sorry op and I’m sure you know. The first time is never ever the last time.if you take him back he will do it again, so i am glad that’s not a consideration for you. Protect yourself and your child.you will get through this.

You’re really going thru it aren’t you, with an old ex trying to create more pain for you, and for your kid too, which is just awful.
tbh, even if you did or do struggle with mental health issues, there are plenty of awesome parents and wonderful mothers taking care of their little ones perfectly. I’m not sure if you do actually suffer from OCD or it’s just your ex trying to create problems, but I suffer from OCD and I know how difficult it makes to things day to day - it doesn’t stop me from putting my little one first tho, I may go the long way around doing certain things, but I do just a good of a job as anyone else. I believe it will be the same for you too. If you are looking after your children, and there is no detriment to them, then mental health / OCD or not, your ex and social services will not have a leg to stand on if they try to say otherwise.
Maybe you could reach out for specific support regarding any mental health issues you have or have had, if you’re worried they’ll come up in your ex’s arguments against you - prove that you’re working with professionals, seeking help or getting therapy etc. You are in control, OP, as much as these people in your life seem to want to steal that from you, you still are very capable of steering this ship. And we are all rooting for you on the sidelines here!

@Noseybookworm so kind of you, thanks so much 🩷 the reassurance from you ladies I did the right thing means so much.

I am a social worker and I can definitely say that you are demonstrating that you are doing the right thing to keep your children (and you) safe. Do not allow him the head space of what he may say or do… any social worker with any experience will ensure that you have the right support for you and the children moving forward. My advice is to accept support and to take things slowly… it’s a lot to process! Good luck x

I just wanted to chime in to congratulate you on acting so swiftly and doing the right thing by your children. Also to try to reassure you. SS know exactly what abusive exes are all about with their 'you're mentally ill' accusations, they will want to help you not chastise you. Their aim is to keep children with their mum, not snatch them away.

You are an inspiration to your kids by showing that abuse is not to be tolerated. Sending you hope for better times.

@Taluulaah so so greatful for your message 🩷🙏🏻 yes I’m really going through a tough time now. I was being supported a lot by husband trying to deal with the continuous ongoing difficulties with abusive ex but obviously now he assaulted me I’m left dealing with abusive ex/ss on my own. That’s so scary but I am a fighter and I’m just trying my hardest to get through all this. I’m so sorry you have ocd too. Mine came about from childhood and not having any control of decisions with ex. So now im funny about having things in their place, not having too much stuff etc. I worry ss might think I don’t have enough toys for little one etc but I do lots of things, parks, soft plays, church play groups etc. I’m much more of an outdoors person and would always want my children to have fun and plenty to keep them happy entertained etc. ex is saying I don’t let child have very much. I just bought him a new games console etc.

Best wishes to you OP. It's an incredibly difficult situation now but it's not your fault.

I am so sorry he did this. You must be very confused, very hurt, all at sea. Look after yourself. xx

Sending you a gentle hug, OP. I'm so sorry you're going through all this turmoil and pain. Your shock at what's happened and grief for the relationship you thought you had is perfectly understandable.

Lean on the friends you know you can rely on and do keep posting here; you'll find lots of support and wise advice.

I was married to an abusive man, but his was more mental abuse. He did threaten to rape and kill me tho so you never know — if they’re abusive in one way why not another too?
You sound like you have serious injuries. You’ve had medical attention?

I’d say work with SS. You want to protect your children, they want you to protect your children. Ignore anything your ex says — keep anything in writing, record him if necessary but don’t respond or feel you have to justify yourself to him, you don’t.

Look after yourself, talk to Women’s Aid if you’re up to it.

So awful to read this. Not been in that situation myself but having multiple abusive partners is common and not your fault.

Just concentrate on healing and looking after yourself and your children.

Ignore the parents. Your dad is out of order and probably very old-fashioned. My mum used to blame anything that happened to me on me.

Also, your parents might feel really bad for you but just not have the right words. Don't know.

@BlueSkies1981 Thanks so much 🙏🏻💗 your post gives me a lot of reassurance.

Most people who have not been in an abusive relationship have no understanding of how it feels, the psychological ramifications etc.
I highly doubt you are stupid, love.