Still in shock - assaulted by my husband

[Bluecustardsweets]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for reading my post.

As my title says, I was physically assaulted by my husband of 5 years a few days ago and I’m still in total shock.

We have had a loving and respectful relationship. His mental health really started to suffer about a year ago.

I have a 10 year old DS with my abusive ex partner and my husband and I have a 18 month old DS together.

My husbands mental health deteriorated due to a number of factors- work, hardly any sleep with DS as baby and one of the biggest factors has been the ongoing stress having to communicate with abusive ex husband.

My 10 year old son has been told by my abusive ex not to talk to my husband.

He had been such a kind, thoughtful, gentle person until the assault. He was feeling particularly stressed and unhappy that day lashed out at me. He really hurt me, I have lots of bruises and he was arrested and can not come to the property.

not sure what else to say, I’m just so devastated.

@LittleSparklyStar thanks so much. I really do hope they do. I haven’t had much luck with Cafcass in the past and one of the officers did nothing to help me. Even when my ex threatened to kill me and I had a recording they said in a report. He said he was sorry for it. They completely down played it

I been through the same OP, and DS grew up fine. I was accused of all kinds of things that weren't true.Dont worry about social services.
They and the courts have seen and heard it all before. Just stay calm and look after your children.
My ex was such an abusive pest that in the end he was banned from seeing my DS until he was 18. It was the right thing to do.
Having had 2 abusive ex H,s I didn't date again. I feel unable to trust men.

So sorry you went through the same @Gettingbysomehow 💗thanks so much for your reassuring words

Your brain is processing everything that has happened so you’ll have different emotions at different times —- disbelief, shock, even sympathy or sorrow for him. This is normal.
You cannot save your husband and by what you describe he could be a very dangerous man indeed. If he is going to kill himself why not you as well, or the children to punish you? Please keep every bit of evidence, everything he’s said and done as well. —- as you remember things write them down as your solicitor will need evidence.

Let your brain process what’s happened and is happening but tell yourself frequently that the marriage is over. Not because you don’t know that but it helps to keep yourself on an even keel.

I'm glad to see you are still strong this morning

There will even be at least 1 who says you must have done something for 2 men to have abused you.
I noticed similar posts here and I would like to pick up on this. It is true that statistically you are more likely to have another abusive partner BUT THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU HAVE DONE. It will be down to what happened in your childhood and if you were "trained" not to have boundaries , or to emphasise your people pleasing qualities, for you not to go have a voice. It is something that has been done TO you, and the fact that your parents aren't being supportive of you at this time is a red flag for this. And that is why therapy is so invaluable.

Thank you @AutumnFroglets I completely agree with you. 💗🙏🏻

Thank you @Allthehorsesintheworld tes I was very frightened when he used a knife to self harm. I wanted to help him desperately but this frightened me and I naturally I think back off. He was upset I didn’t hold him more but I was so worried when he did this

Firstly so sorry to hear you have been assaulted .Please realise NONE of this is your fault.you are NOT stupid at all ,He has been the same all along, but this is his true self now .Underneath the Mr Nice Guy act lies a Monster .Parents are often too close to look at the situation objectively as well,they will often be in denial and old fashioned . Look after yourself OP ,take each day as it comes and look after your amazing DC ,Just be grateful you are safe, and been brave enough to rid yourself of 12 stone of hurt/pain and distress .Sending hugs to you xx

I think backing away from a man self-harming with a knife is the only thing you could have done. It would have been a crazy dangerous risk to move close.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

Thank you @Tooting33 it’s comforting I am not the only one to feel this way. When he did this and tried to commit suicide at same time obviously I was distraught. I love this man and to see him in such distress was absolutely terrible. However, coming near him like that was also terrifying

Thanks so much @dottiedodah x

I am horrified that it took so long to sort out. I hope you are ok and recovering from this awful trauma.

I guess courts are overloaded with cases so it's just the process I had to be patient with,

It did feel like a lifetime at the time but so glad to be through it now

It will be very difficult for me to to trust a man ever again as I didn't realise what a good liar my ex was.

Xxx

Struggling with the desperate internal pain of this today ladies. Any tips would be greatly received. 💗🙏🏻

I don't think there's any quick fix I'm afraid. It's a difficult and painful process that you just have to go through. I saw this quote on Instagram I found helpful the other day though. It really is just a case of putting one foot in front of the other and having faith that things will get better in time.

Keep posting here too. There are so many wise and experienced women on this forum who can hold your hand through this.

That is a helpful post @Cryingatthegym thank you 💗🙏🏻 I am someone who just wants to fix things and move on but I totally agree it will be a slow process. xx

@Bluecustardsweets
Sometimes making plans can be helpful, even if it's a very basic plan like get up at a certain time, make breakfast, do a certain amount of chores during the day.
It gives you a basic structure to follow and can help you feel a little less 'all at sea', that feeling of being completely adrift with nothing to anchor you can be very upsetting.
Also distracting yourself so you don't have too much time to think and ruminate. I remember years ago after a relationship breakup I was due a week off of work but I persuaded them to let me work the week instead because I knew that it wouldn't be good for me to have extra time on my hands.

Thank you @BlackShuck3 that’s really good advice. I am trying to get out every morning with my little one, it’s the afternoons which are hard but I am trying to get on with little jobs and looking into things to help me/ my children xx

Keep busy and distract yourself - get out for a little walk if you can, fresh air and being in nature can be very comforting. Have a long soak in the bath, get your comfiest pj's on and curl up and watch something gentle, funny and familiar. Make yourself something nice to eat. Message and chat with a good friend. Read an old favourite book. Do whatever you need to do to look after yourself lovely 💐 remember that his problems and emotional issues are not yours to fix. You just need to look after yourself and your children and have some peace now x

Thank you so much @Noseybookworm some good advice there. 💗 I think you’re right, lots of distractions help. X

How brave you are op fair play to you xxxx

Thank you so much. Needed that right now, mornings are definitely the worst x

Hi @Bluecustardsweets Just reading your updates and checking in, hoping you’re doing ok, or at least as well as you can be under the circumstances. You just have to take things one day at a time. One hour or one minute at a time if necessary. As another poster suggested, try to keep doing the little things (that may feel huge rn) day to day that keep things ticking along, making sure you’re taking care of yourself and the little ones (I’m guessing the little ones will not be the issue but that you may forget about yourself in all of this chaos) make sure you’re eating properly and getting a little fresh air, etc. Look after your mental health, and chat to others/reach out if you’re struggling and need some support, be that practical or emotional.
You seem to be confused and even feeling guilty for the situation your husband has found himself. And I agree that it’s very sad he’s spiralled to this point, but you can’t stand by or help a man who is a risk to you and your kids. Maybe when you’re stronger, settled, safe, there is nothing stopping you from opening up the lines of communication if you want to be supportive of him, but I would be very very cautious, even when you’re in a less vulnerable position than you are now, I would advise you to be very wary about getting tangled back up with a man who is able to flip on you and become
violent. Call me cynical but IMO, ppl like that rarely can change. If someone hurt me in that way I’m not sure I’d ever feel safe with them again.
Anyway, I’m rambling on, sorry - basically just want to let you know I’m rooting for you, like a lot of us here - you’re the definition of a strong, intelligent woman and a loving mother who prioritises their children, and you should be extremely proud of yourself. Difficult situation and you’re handling it like a boss!
hang in there 🙏🏼💗

Thank you @Taluulaah i am deeply touched by your kind and thoughtful comments. I am putting one foot in front of each but feeling in such pain, 💗🙏🏻

Reading your updates and hoping you're finding yourself in a slightly better place today, OP. You seem to be working through this with such strength and with your priorities straight. Are you OK physically though? Concerned for you and your injuries. As other have said, one step at a time. Fresh air and self care, along with caring for your DC. It's easy to say 'go for a walk' but can be difficult to do, but will reap huge benefits for you mentally if you are able to. I wish you all good things as you sounds like such a lovely person.