Still in shock - assaulted by my husband

[Bluecustardsweets]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for reading my post.

As my title says, I was physically assaulted by my husband of 5 years a few days ago and I’m still in total shock.

We have had a loving and respectful relationship. His mental health really started to suffer about a year ago.

I have a 10 year old DS with my abusive ex partner and my husband and I have a 18 month old DS together.

My husbands mental health deteriorated due to a number of factors- work, hardly any sleep with DS as baby and one of the biggest factors has been the ongoing stress having to communicate with abusive ex husband.

My 10 year old son has been told by my abusive ex not to talk to my husband.

He had been such a kind, thoughtful, gentle person until the assault. He was feeling particularly stressed and unhappy that day lashed out at me. He really hurt me, I have lots of bruises and he was arrested and can not come to the property.

not sure what else to say, I’m just so devastated.

Your ex is despicable, using this DV incident to abuse you further himself.

Keep with the DV charities. Minimal contact with ex. One step forward every day, hold your head up high. You can do this.

Thank you @Livelovebehappy i do feel for my parents that they have a daughter who has made bad choices. But I also question why did I get into this in the first place and why is their reaction one of annoyance rather than love and care and support. Physical and practical support they have given, compassion and support without shaming they have not. My current partner has been very caring and loving and there were no signs of abuse in the same way I experienced with my ex who put me down from the get go. This is why is it more complex and why compassion and kindness from parents rather than judgement would have been the way I hope I am with my own children in the future.

I agree with you @SquishyGloopyBum and I’m very thankful for your kind words. I will try my best to keep moving forwards, I know he will use this dreadful event as an opportunity to try and hurt me more

@Bluebells84 rhanks so much. I don’t have any previous mental health problems/ nothing registered with GP etc.

So sorry to hear about your situation, I've been in a very abusive situation myself quite a few years ago now but still remember how low and hurt I felt for a long time, I had a 6 year old at the time and got an emergency move through the police and council, social services were brilliant at the time they helped me move away and helped with starting over ie: furniture, school admission etc so please don't worry too much about social services they only care that you and your children are safe! I hope everything works out for you

I don't suppose he meant it how it has come across but I'm sorry your dad said that. Sometimes people, especially parents, don't know what to say. Presumably your dad saw your bruises. It must be hard for him to process, gove him time.

This is a terrible shock for you, not least because it was so unexpected.

You've been very brave and acted appropriately. There's nothing much else you can do at the moment so take care of yourself - very well - and your children who are safe from harm now.

I'm sad that you had to go through this and really feel for you but you will feel better eventually. You're a strong woman.

I am so sorry, OP - you are incredibly brave for going to the police - it's the right thing to do but it doesn't mean it's easy.

I've been where you are when I was younger and didn't have children - it was horrendous. Loving someone so much who hurts you so badly is a mindfuck.

He's a weak man to do that to the mother of his child and I hope he gets properly punished for it. Your family are shocking for their response and I'm sorry you had to have that kick in the teeth, too - all feelings of rejection swirling around no doubt.

Please remember - you're not the problem, you're not alone and you're worth more than all of this, from both him and your family xxx

OP you're doing the right thing, and I understand it's really hard.

My father was abusive and my mum took a long time to get rid of him. I remember vividly how big a part of the situation surprise and incredulity were.

She just couldn't believe that he was doing what he was doing. She remembered the good things about him. He didn't start out 'evil', but once he started f.ing up there was no way back.

Hoping he'd sort himself out did her no good at all. You are doing what needs to be done. Well done. Well done.

Dads do tend to not say the most empathetic of things {In my own experience!}
Your Dad probably thinks ''On no..not AGAIN..because of the young baby it will obviously be harder for you.

What your second partner did was completely unforgivable.
He had been masking his aggression very well until it slipped out sideways with the stress of lack of sleep and dealing with your Ex.

Sorry you have had the shock of this.

But WE the majority on this thread are not questioning your judgement. Because NEITHER of those abusive relationships are your fault in ANY WAY.

You did NOT make bad choices. You had no idea these men were going to be abusive.
Please don't give any space in your head to the idea that you should be ashamed, guilty, feel stupid, or berate yourself. You did not choose this abuse.

Your parents' attitude is wrong. Most people do not understand about abusive relationships until they have been in one, and sometimes not even then.

I'm so sorry this have happened to you OP. Have your husband been in contact since? What has his family said?

Such a loss of control must have been a terrifying ordeal for you and I admire your for calling the police and removing this weak man from your home.

He didn't lose control or lash out he was very much in control.

I wonder if you are subliminally attracted to abusive men somehow- especially as your own parents don't seem supportive.

This so called ''nice'' man must have masked his aggression for so long - it must have been there, bubbling under the surface, just waiting for an excuse or trigger for it to boil over.

He physically attacked you.

Decent men do not behave this way.

Maybe try the ''Freedom'' programme? {People speak highly of it}

It can be a pattern to be drawn to abusers time after time unless one is made aware of it.

FAR better to be alone and free than trapped with a vile abusive partner.

Oh @Bluecustardsweets what a terrible thing to have happened to you. Well done on having the strength to report it. Sadly I've been there. You will mourn the relationship, but as a child of DV too, just make sure your children feel safe - I'm sure you are. Let school know and get eldest some talking therapy to help him negotiate this tricky time.

As for your Father's nasty unnecessary comment, park that for now. Don't even dwell on it.

Sending so much love and strength your way. You've got this. You may not know it yet, but you do.

@Bluecustardsweets
I am so sorry💗
And the lack of care & loyalty from your family or origin only rubs salt into the wound. I have experienced similar from my parents when I was the victim of abuse perpetrated by a male, it's very hard to bear because we tend to be programmed to trust our parents.
They are very wrong, you need & deserve care & support, I hope you can take some comfort from those on here who want to help you💗

agreed...I had SA by someone who my parents left me with as a child.

When I summoned upon the courage many years later to tell them, it was devastating how Dad went mad and said ''Who have you told?!!'' {Guilt on their part?}

Oh yes, the disbelief.
You genuinely (and naïvely- but couldnt know it at the time) expected support & sympathy as a matter of course, instead there is an explosion.
I think the explosion is their go to defense mechanism. I think the ignition is pressed the instant the threat is perceived, the explosion is designed to shut you down, neutralise the threat and then it's 'job done' & they carry on as if nothing happened.
There appears to be no processing, reflection, or examination of what has happened. No concern whatever for your wellbeing. You are merely a woman who is making the men look bad😟
I can't really get my head around it tbh. I hope you're ok🌻

I havent read the full thread but just wantwd ro say it sounds from your post as if you might be leaning towards excusing him, or balming yourself. Please do neither... or try not to.

He was not as gentle or as respectful as you thought.

Take time for yourself ....and for your children. I hope you can start to recover and remain clear about boundaries. Whatever is going on for him... even if he wants to resolve it and work it out.. leave him.to do it on his own whilst you build your strength.

Speak to the police who dealt with arresting him, they can refer you to an officer who deals with domestic violence who can help you with things like a referral to the council who can arrange things to help you feel safe in your home, I got window alarms, a stronger version of a chain for the front door, outside lights, a personal alarm & extra locks on the doors.

You also need to see a solicitor to get a non molestation order ASAP. They can get this through an emergency hearing at court, mine was done within a week of me leaving exh. Then get all your financial information, bank statements, pension information etc so you can have a discussion about a way forward for divorce, if you are on a low income, you may qualify for legal aid. If you have a joint bank account, withdraw half the money & open an account in your own name, get everything you have coming in moved to this account. If he needs to collect anything you are able to have a police officer accompany him to collect it. Put things like children's birth certificates, passports etc somewhere safe. As an insurance I would also get your name on the council housing list just in case you have to move house, having your name already on the list will cut down some time if you need to be rehoused.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Know that you are inwardly strong and you can do this by yourself. Heal and be happy. 🌻

Morning ladies 💗🙏🏻 thanks so much for your kind, caring and supportive messages. I cannot express how greatful i am to feel your care and validation.

I am not excusing him but really struggling with accepting how he went for me like this. It’s totally out of his character.

my ex was progressively more physical (started with a shove when pregnant) this man was emotionally supportive and had never done anything to hurt me physically or mentally.

he was beginning to self harm and would also throw his phone. I think that was my red flag. Throwing things. I never thought he would lash out on me though

This is such a hard situation. Do you think he is having some sort of mental breakdown? I don’t say that to excuse what he did. But no grown man should be throwing and self harming if he was healthy.

re social services I’m a paediatric nurse and please don’t worry. A red flag to them is when you continue relationships with abusers which you haven’t you put your kids first. You are keeping them safe. They are used to men unfortunately painting their ex partners as mentally unwell and I’m sure they’ll see through him too

Thank you.

yes he has been having a mental breakdown. He tried to kill himself by taking an overdose a few weeks before. I care and love him immmensely and did my best to support him after he went to a&e. The hospital did not really support him.

he has no family and friends not close geographically. I took my baby to the hospital then next day and waited around all day for him to be realised. I then looked into therapists and suggested he speak to a suicide prevention line I spoke to when he did it.

he felt very unhelped and desperate. I really did try to care for him but my priority was and always will be my two children.

he had an abusive father and no family still so he felt very unloved and abandoned by everyone