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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left for a week

505 replies

Bboo3 · 07/09/2024 18:08

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Getmeahobnobstat · 07/09/2024 22:08

He might have fooled his GP. Don’t let him food you too.

GivingitToGod · 07/09/2024 22:13

stardustbiscuits · 07/09/2024 18:13

I feel furious for you. Everyone craves/ needs a break when they have 3 young kids. He’s looking for an excuse to blame your relationship for failing as opposed to his ability to man up for his family, or to be loyal. I would be tempted to call his bluff and see what happens.

I agree with this and my heart goes out to you OP. So, someone is making him happy eh????? Very selfish and inconsiderate when you have the full on overwhelming responsibilities of caring for 3 young children. I'm sure you would like a break too. I am unable to offer any advice OP other than take care of yourself and try and stay in the moment, as difficult as that is.
Re sertraline, I do know that it takes a minimum of 6 weeks to take effect for most people although I am unsure if this will have any bearing on the outcome.
It might make him see clearer and realise how selfish and thoughtless his behaviour is. He can't be allowed to hold you to ransom.
Take care OP. Is there a close friend that you can talk to to share your pain?

Unicorntearsofgin · 07/09/2024 22:14

I am so sorry OP he is a total shitrag.

I can’t imagine you feel like doing much practical right now so try and take care of yourself and have some thoughts about the future you want to build once you are ready.

Opentooffers · 07/09/2024 22:20

A few things here to unpick. This woman makes him happy - so not depressed then, just feeling guilt being around you which brings him down, so he's run away from that.
While he's on his week off he's feeling happier - he can compartmentalise the guilt and park it while away and not face it, so that's why he's feeling better. It would not be surprising if he's been seeing this woman during his week off, so is happier. Might be a work colleague. Can you verify he is actually staying with a friend and not with OW?
Don't be so accommodating of his depression claims, it's likely his issues are guilt and fear of change, being in a quandry over making a decision. This week he's testing the water, but he's not going to learn much in a week, it's not long enough to miss his DC's or you, it's just an extra glimps of freedom. Might be worth telling him to stay away longer. Whatever happens, the worst you can do is beg or do the pick me dance. Showing strength is more attractive ironically although it's probably not how you feel really.

Livingtothefull · 07/09/2024 22:26

Royaly82 · 07/09/2024 20:42

I'm going through something similar and am furious tonight at myself. I found out my husband was cheating with multiple women two years ago. He gave me the depression line, went sober and became a 'new man' and a few months later I took him back. 4 months ago he walked out again saying he wasn't happy and need a few days away to 'think'. I was deverstated but told him if he left he would never be back. He walked out anyway. Like an absolute idiot on my birthday he took me and the children out for dinner stayed for drinks and when they went to bed one thing led to another. We talked about getting back on track. Two days ago he says he needs to go away for a couple of days to 'think'. Took his passport this morning and has had his phone switched off since 10am. I'm sitting here beside myself with anger and worry as to if he's even okay. I've been physically sick this evening. No one knows where he's gone. I wish with every part of me I'd blocked him 2 years ago and I would be free of this misery now. Please don't put yourself through what I am now. Please please tell him it's over, find your strength and NEVER look back

I am really sorry @Royaly82 that you are going through this as well. Please don't be furious at yourself, you are not to blame for trying to work things out with your husband who has again betrayed you. I hope (am sure) that there will be better times ahead for you as well as for the OP.

tolerable · 07/09/2024 22:31

the RAT!
(is he even )take sertraline?
THEY DONT STOP YOU BEING A CUNT.
you dont answer phone/door to him.block him. who is your closest ally/friend.Tell them.
THIS "he said there is someone making him happy"
blows it. he probabl;y fully aware you stand through thick and thin,,be adult ,wanna work through it.
Thats why he acting some sort afflicted, fuck him.
seriously. cry.
then pick the bll(in your court)up. Put YOU first. YOUR feelings.
FRAME around you-your picture
did i sy fuck him n his happiness.

pyjamalife · 07/09/2024 22:33

DanceTheDevilBackIntoHisHole · 07/09/2024 18:52

I always think of this song when I read the (many) threads on here like this

I was scrolling through to make sure someone had posted this for the OP to get her strength from.

BubblePerm · 07/09/2024 22:34

If you don't lock him out and
Allow him back In, please take yourself off for a week and leave him with the kids.
He's a cheeky bastard.

Renamed · 07/09/2024 22:34

What strikes me is that he has gone away and made it so that all your thoughts are focused on him. Take time to think about yourself. You are in the house with the kids - is it better and more relaxed? Is it worse? If so in what way? Would you want him back as before, or something better? If he comes back (if that’s what you want) he doesn’t come back to huge fanfare and everyone wrapping him in cotton wool. You are supposed to be partners. You are not there to create what he wants, whatever it is.

LostittoBostik · 07/09/2024 22:37

You will never really forgive him for this - and rightly so. The relationship you had is over. Get rid. Don't let him call the shots. He's treated you appallingly. I bet you're doing way more than 50 per cent of the parenting too.

LostittoBostik · 07/09/2024 22:38

Bboo3 · 07/09/2024 18:23

Wow you guys are brutal, it's just what I need 😂
I do love him, and I do want him to come back. But I know I'm being stupid.
If it is his depression that he needs to get under control, then do I need to let him sort that?
Emotional affair? I've never heard that expression before
I just feel so stressed and ill, I've been physically sick. When does all that go away?
We'd lose our family house, I'm a stay at home mum for our 3 kids whilst he brought all the money.
I also feel sick to the core about sharing my children, them sleeping away would kill me. I haven't spent more than a couple of nights away from them. They are my everything.
Do I have to share 50/50?
I'm on the UK if that makes a difference

You won't lose the house. You will have the right to stay until the youngest is 18 and he'll be paying for it.
Get a brilliant lawyer. Make sure they also argue for a decent chunk of his pension.

AD12345 · 07/09/2024 22:41

Show him your worth and block him. He’s basically asked out on you and your kids. Who is this “ friend” who’s enabling him ?

Sirzy · 07/09/2024 22:42

LostittoBostik · 07/09/2024 22:38

You won't lose the house. You will have the right to stay until the youngest is 18 and he'll be paying for it.
Get a brilliant lawyer. Make sure they also argue for a decent chunk of his pension.

Show quote history

That is highly unlikely to happen especially with such young children. There is no automatic right to keep the house until the children turn 18 and if it does happen it can come with a lot more complications than it’s worth.

steff13 · 07/09/2024 22:46

Yeah, no. You're not going to wait around to see if he chooses you. Change the locks while he's gone and speak to a lawyer. I'm in the US, so this may not be ok there, but I would take and money out of any joint accounts and put it in your own account.

Doubledded123 · 07/09/2024 22:47

Omg how awful. If course he cannot comeback, get legal advice monday mornig.
call womens aid they are brilliant
. What an arsehole!

TellySavalashairbrush · 07/09/2024 22:47

I’m livid on your behalf . One thing is having a bout of depression and needing a break from everything in order to try and mitigate feeling worse . Another thing is telling you someone else is making him happy and wanting to have time away to see if he misses you !
it is unrealistic to say just block him and move on immediately- you have 3 children and 18 years of being just with him . However I do think you need to have time yourself to consider if you should carry on being with someone who has such little regard for you and his kids. I’m not sure I could ever feel the same way again about a partner if I was treated as you have been. Good luck op.

Royaly82 · 07/09/2024 22:49

Livingtothefull · 07/09/2024 22:26

I am really sorry @Royaly82 that you are going through this as well. Please don't be furious at yourself, you are not to blame for trying to work things out with your husband who has again betrayed you. I hope (am sure) that there will be better times ahead for you as well as for the OP.

Show quote history

Thank you so much. I am absolutely broken again tonight but think I am FINALLY finding my anger. I really hope it stays. Can't tell you how much I needed to hear this tonight I'm deverstated for the OP but wount lie reading all these responses has kept me sane tonight. I have an autistic son of 24 and then his 4 young daughters here that need me to stay strong and fight back. I could never ever leave no matter how bad my mental health has become but just sometimes wish it was that easy for us women as it is for the 'fathers'

Hedgewitch123 · 07/09/2024 22:56

GrumpyInsomniac · 07/09/2024 18:36

He’s basically given himself a hall pass to try on the other person to see if life is easier that way. And no shit, away from 3 young kids with a new partner who is desperate to impress and still in the honeymoon phase, I’m sure he will indeed think the grass is greener.

He thinks he holds all the cards because you’re financially dependent on his income. So go and Google “entitled to” so you can find out what benefits you’re entitled to claim if his departure is permanent. Use the fact that you’re in the house and can access any paperwork you need easily to make sure you have copies of everything important in terms of bank statements etc. And start calling divorce lawyers on Monday.

If nothing else, you need to come back at this from a position of power. He should not be dictating the terms, and he’s made very clear that the only one he cares about in all this is himself. I know it doesn’t feel like this right now, but you deserve better and his depression does not excuse or explain his behaviour.

100% this

Thevelvelletes · 07/09/2024 22:58

Madeline bell.. picture me gone.
Opening line..make sure you can see tomorrow today.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 07/09/2024 23:00

My god he is one arrogant bastard, isn't he.

I am so sorry.Please get legal advice ASAP and get your ducks in a row

Thevelvelletes · 07/09/2024 23:00

AD12345 · 07/09/2024 22:41

Show him your worth and block him. He’s basically asked out on you and your kids. Who is this “ friend” who’s enabling him ?

I'd hazard a guess friend doesn't exist or know they're being used as an alibi.
He will be at ow place.

ItsFreedomBabyYeah · 07/09/2024 23:02

Sorry, but you shouldn't need to 'force' someone to pick you. I would not be waiting around for him to decide your future. He's playing games, biding his time. He knows exactly what he wants.

laveritable · 07/09/2024 23:04

"Bite the bullet"
sorry OP

Thepartnersdesk · 07/09/2024 23:06

DanceTheDevilBackIntoHisHole · 07/09/2024 18:52

I always think of this song when I read the (many) threads on here like this

Me too!

Sorry you are going through this. Do look up The Script as he's already started it.

The subtext of 'someone making him happy ' is 'and you are not'.

It the cowardly way where by he either wants you to be the bad guy and end it or he gets the ego boost of the 'pick me dance'.

Whatthebarnacles · 07/09/2024 23:09

My husband played this card. In fact, I feel like you've written my own story. He was having an affair.

As it happens, it was 10 yrs ago and we're still together and stronger than ever. BUT... that story is a script. Delve deeper.

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