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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left for a week

505 replies

Bboo3 · 07/09/2024 18:08

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
WeddingConundrum123 · 07/09/2024 21:19

1000% he's 'moving to his friends' to try things guilt free with other woman to see if grass is greener while keeping you on back burner.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 07/09/2024 21:22

I’d say he’s cheating in plain sight. People with depression struggle with daily living tasks but he’s doing quite well at arranging things.

it’s better for yourself in the future if you call time rather than wait for him to decide.

RedWinePoliticsAndHair · 07/09/2024 21:26

Fuck him. Have no more contact with him through the rest of his little holiday, and you call the shots on whether he comes back. Arsehole and, to be frank, cheating arsehole at that.

Dymaxion · 07/09/2024 21:28

What an absolute Tool. What is worse than him being that ? being a completely unoriginal Tool ! Does he honestly believe that he is the first man alive to come up with this well worn spiel ? Seriously ? Absolutely pathetic !

DoubleTime · 07/09/2024 21:29

Go really quiet OP. He has someone who makes him happy ? But not that happy, if he has sought help for depression...

Go quiet and leave him to have his time out, in fact tell him you want to make it three weeks so you can figure out how you feel, and what you and your children need from him, and that buddy of his can start getting fed up with his lodger.........

Wineat5isfine · 07/09/2024 21:34

I’m so sorry that you going through this.

Please take the high road, kick this selfish “man” to the kerb.

You deserve SO much better xx

MaidOfSteel · 07/09/2024 21:37

The lyrics of The Beautiful South's 'A Little Time' cover this situation quite well, OP. I hope you'll bin him, like she does in the song.

His absolute arrogance would be massively off-putting for me and I think that would be very hard to come back from. Please don't just sit, waiting and hoping for him to come back. He seems to have someone else in mind already; could you ever trust him again? You & your kids deserve someone devoted to you all.

Take control here. Why should he get to decide your future?

Dymaxion · 07/09/2024 21:38

I would fight him with kindness, lots of 'you do what you need to do, to get better Babe' , 'Me and the children miss you lots', 'hope the medication makes you feel like your old self soon', that sort of shit. Because at some point he is going to want angry messages to back up how downtrodden he is, how his life is unbearably difficult, do not give him that, do not give him any excuses for his bottom dwelling behaviour. This is entirely on him and how feckless, pathetic and weak willed he is.

Tahlbias · 07/09/2024 21:41

When do us mum's get a chance to do that!? We would never do it to our children, let alone our significant others!

HoppityBun · 07/09/2024 21:41

Change the locks. All of them.

Wombat8 · 07/09/2024 21:42

Bboo3 · 07/09/2024 18:08

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

Sorry you're going through this. I was in exactly the same boat. Except he was taking the odd weekend and even a full week way at a friend's apparently to have headspace and understand what he wants. He had depression too. I hope this isn't the case with you but he left permanently on Monday and I found out Thursday he has another woman. No wonder he was depressed, he's been seeing her for a long time apparently. Maybe he was weighing up the pros and cons of being with me vs being with her. More likely he was waiting for her to leave her husband. Either way he's gone now and I feel devastated but released from what I was going through. All the uncertainty. What I will say is it's almost a relief to know it's done now. He can never dump me again because it's done. He lied and lied about there being anyone else. I'm sorry you're going through this. Men are such shits

WizardOfAus · 07/09/2024 21:42

You also need to read this thread. This woman’s husband walked out on her 4 Weeks ago In circumstances similar to yours (he’s of course, having an affair). She’s an absolute legend in how she’s handling it. Her husband is panicking now and constantly sending her texts:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5136910-blindsided-by-h?page=27&reply=138120310

Jl2014 · 07/09/2024 21:43

OP, whatever is going on then the absolute worst thing you can do is text or communicate with him in any way at this time. Let him have his week. Have your week too. Consider what you want. If he’s in this place then maybe he needs to miss you. Unpopular but sometimes you need to play the game. Something has kept you together for 18 years and he needs to remember what that is.

Ottersmith · 07/09/2024 21:43

Give him what he wants. Tell him not to come back for a month and have zero contact with him while you decide if you deserve to be treated like this. He is a dick to leave his children like that, as though anyone has a choice. You need to take control of this situation and you will feel better.

R053 · 07/09/2024 21:48

Sorry, I suspect he’s already put you on notice that he is leaving for good. Moving in with the friend gives him the freedom to pursue this relationship with the other woman. In the meantime you are kept on the sidelines in sympathy about his depression and hoping once the meds kick in, he’ll pick you.

I would begin telling your family and close friends. You all need to start putting your heads together as if he has already left permanently and you need support in real life.

Joeylove88 · 07/09/2024 21:51

OP not only is your husband abandoning you and his children to go and enjoy some time off - whilst telling you that he's enjoying himself and not missing you yet - I'm sorry but WTAF!!!
Then double whammy, he's also involved with another woman who makes him happy although they haven't been physical yet - another huge WTAF!!!
My brain is still trying to unpick the utter selfishness, disrespect and fuckery of this man...mental health or not please know that there is ZERO excuse for his behavior, language, abandonment of his family and to top it off having an affair emotional or otherwise. How could you ever trust him again even if you do love him and still want him back he's broken his marriage and family already and my feeling is that even if he did come back he is more than likely to do something like this again to you and honestly do you really want to put yourself and your children through that for the sake of 'being together'? Take your power OP and bin this man.

Wombat8 · 07/09/2024 21:52

Outlander56 · 07/09/2024 19:43

Many years ago my husband “ needed”
a break.AWOL over Father’s Day which my 11 year old struggled with big time.Told me after he was away playing golf.
i cut him a terrific amount of slack and listened to his feeling of depression etc.for months.He told me he couldn’t see the GP as he would lose his job if they knew he was on medication.
I couldn’t have done any more.
Later found out he was having an affair and I was devastated as how manipulative he had been to achieve his own ends.
You need to do what is right for you and your children .

I only found out it was definitely another woman on Thursday after months of his lies and deceit. How long until you recovered? Glad you're free of that absolute piece of shit

Thepossibility · 07/09/2024 21:52

Urgh this happened to my best friend. Her husband was “depressed"and left on a desperate mission to better himself. Aka giving himself space to explore his affair. His OW didn't want to leave her partner in the end, she had just wanted to fool around on the side, so the poor little man was all alone.
So the POS came crawling back to my friend saying it was HER that could make him better. Lucky her! And of course she lapped it up and took him back because she had been so distraught by him leaving like that. They are still together years later.

WizardOfAus · 07/09/2024 21:56

Thepossibility · 07/09/2024 21:52

Urgh this happened to my best friend. Her husband was “depressed"and left on a desperate mission to better himself. Aka giving himself space to explore his affair. His OW didn't want to leave her partner in the end, she had just wanted to fool around on the side, so the poor little man was all alone.
So the POS came crawling back to my friend saying it was HER that could make him better. Lucky her! And of course she lapped it up and took him back because she had been so distraught by him leaving like that. They are still together years later.

What a depressing tale.

DreamTheMoors · 07/09/2024 21:57

No, you DON’T have to sit there and wait.
You say to yourself, “F**K THIS SHITE” and text him that he’s got exactly 24 hours to choose between his family and his selfishness or you’re gone.
This arsehole is not the end all and be all of your life. You and the kids deserve sooo much more.
And follow through, goddamnit - be your own Wonder Woman.
It’s high time to get mad and stay mad.

Omgblueskys · 07/09/2024 21:57

Oh op, what a shit , you need to find your strength, pack up his stuff put it in a taxi send it round to his ' friend ' don't txt or reply to him
Do you know of the friends,
Guessing he has taken a week off work?? Wow op, bloody cunt,

blacksax · 07/09/2024 22:03

Depressed my arse.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 07/09/2024 22:04

He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward.

He decides???? He’s having an affair and he thinks he decides your future?
What he’s done is decide he doesn’t want responsibility so he’ll go off and live the single life for a while, possibly even hoping you won’t have him back ( because then, in his head, it’s not his fault )

Take control. I feel angry on your behalf.

venusandmars · 07/09/2024 22:07

@Bboo3 it's a story so old and so frequent that as MaidofSteel posted there are songs about it.

He is so unoriginal, so cliched, yet he probably thinks he's so clever.

I really hope you find your anger, use that raging energy to get on top of things. Tell other people what he is doing. Get in control. Work out your financial position, and do it now before he has time to make any of his grand decisions.

Don't let him use depression as an excuse for this. He may not even be depressed he may instead be feeling guilty (that his head has been turned) and confused (about how he can get out of this while looking like the 'nice guy') and anxious that he will be found out before he has time to concoct his own narrative. A big dose of guilt, confusion and anxiety may well make him look like he has mental heath issues.