Husband left for a week

[Bboo3]

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

How have you frozen his mortgage responsibilities? If he is joint on the mortgage, this isn't possible (I have a background in Building Society then Bank - I used to process mortgage applications, deal with mortgage arrears and other existing mortgage queries/processes, and process Transfers Subject to Mortgage which is where the mortgage holder/s apply to add or remove another person to the mortgage, but requires both parties to apply and it isn't guaranteed the lender will approve the application and they are not obliged to). Also, I am afraid you can't just say any further increases or decreases in the property are shut off from your H because you want that to be the case. The situation would be different in some ways if he isn't joint on the mortgage but in fact your H has the right to move back in if he wants - it's his matrimonial home. I understand you feel very hurt and that is competely understandable but you really need legal advice on your rights and those of your H in terms of finances, rights of occupation of property and in terms of the children as they have a right to see their father and unfortunately this is negotiable and not entirely your decision. I wish you all well in coming to a compromise that benefits the children

@GranPepper

This was why I got the divorce sorted pronto with my ex husband. The house was valued within weeks of him leaving and this was used in the D81 form and we agreed a £ split of equity based on house value at that point rather than % when sold. Financial concept order stipulated a deadline of 4 years in the future to give him his £ - this protected me from giving him equity he hadn't paid towards

Good on you both for agreeing which is the best way if it can be done that way. Unfortunately, in 40 years in financial services, it doesn't always happen that way although I wish it would (ie, mutual agreement). It's a bit more complicated because, eg, property values could reduce (like they did in early 1990s and after 2008/9) so theoretically it may not benefit the OP to fix the house valuation at separation rather than divorce. People often assume property will always increase in value but it isn't always true and anyway the H might not, and isn't obliged to, agree to date of separation being the date assets are noted and divided. The OP has children who have to be housed and the H may be required to do this. The mortgage lender may not agree to the OP taking over the mortgage. There are so many variables. This is why legal advice is a good idea in my mind.

I know there's always going to be people that don't agree.
But here's what's happened.
He took all his stuff on Friday 13th. Everything.
It was my bday Saturday 14th! This is when he was spotted out with 'the woman' in a pub by lots of people that text me. So that was nice.

He came to see the kids for an hour tonight, they asked questions, he didn't answer straight. He tried to get them to go out with him Saturday, they all declined. My youngest (2), wouldn't leave my side the whole time.
They were so upset after that it took 2 hours longer to get them to sleep. My eldest had headache and said daddy makes her sad, she just wants to see me because she's happy then.
I'm at the solicitors Thursday. I'm sorting the house, and offering for him to see them every other Saturday morning. The school evenings are not going to work, they were so wound up and have lost sleep already. They cried at school today because they were nervous to see him.
I have a list of evidence to help my case, from emotional abuse (been told to wait a week for him to "choose"), lied to, humiliated.
Is it gaslighting if he made me doubt my own actions? I honestly believed for a while that I had caused this because I didn't give the break a chance, whilst he was texting another woman.
He's living in a summer house, suffering from depression, needed a break because the home stressed him out too much. He walked out.
I have lists of texts from previous occurrences, he hasn't come home, stayed out all night drinking. Few occasional drug taking. I've asked him to come home when babies have been up crying or poorly and he's just been drunk and said no.

Please be kind in responses!

Unfortunately it is no fault divorce now so it doesn't really matter what he has done to you. It only matters if the children are safe with him or not.

He sounds like a complete and utter dick. Are you starting to feel better now? He's just full of excuses, its funny how all these men that leave their wives and children because they're feeling depressed are happy enough to be dating/wooing a new woman. X

I know it is. But alot of it shows he's not trustworthy to look after them

No house, drinking, not coping at home with them.

I don't feel better. I miss the old him. But that doesn't exist. I'm angry most the time. I'm sad at night. Its hard being alone after 18 years!

You are not alone, you've got your girls ♥️
And it's better to be "single alone" than to be in a relationship and feel lonely

Very true. I just want the legal side sorted now so I can focus on the children. And not have to listen to his demands and accusations.

So sorry OP, wishing you strength and happiness. You deserve so much better than this pathetic manchild.

In the kindest way possible, you need to slow down. You've escalated from I want him home to wanting to finalise the finer details of separation very quickly. You are emotional and responding emotionally, you just need to step back and process everything that's happened. It's fine you've made the decision to leave, for what it's worth, from what you've said, it's probably the right decision. But you don't need to run full pelt into divorce proceedings.
Stop, focus on your children and you and let the dust settle before making any big financial or child care decisions. You need some time to detach yourself emotionally somewhat, it won't be completely, but right now it's all too raw.
My divorce is being finalised in the next few weeks and it got a whole lot easier once the initial anger/hurt eased, and you won't think it now but it will get easier, you'll come out the other side much stronger! Once you've started to deal with the emotions, you'll make much better decisions about the other stuff.

@Bboo3 first of all, happy belated birthday! I know this wasn’t how you had planned to be spending it this year, and I am somewhat aghast that your STBXH wanted to take the children on your birthday of all days, even after the way he has behaved. The brass neck of the man.

Make a note of the people who rushed to tell you that he was out with OW. While some might genuinely have been wanting to let you know in case you were unaware, you can probably tell who those are. Others will have done so for less kind reasons, and it’s never a bad idea to know who those people are.

Are you managing to find time for yourself, or sources of support, in all this?

Sadly if trying for less contact for the kids the courts won’t allow it in this climate as it’s all about the fathers rights

doesnt matter he abused there mother the courts will just say he didn’t abuse them.

plus as a previous poster said slow down as I think you’ve hit rock bottom a lot sooner than you think.

i take it he wasn’t a hands on dad if they don’t want to go as most kids would just to be out and about with dad, in fact I’m finding the kids behaviour strange to be honest as in a back story which you don’t have to tell us but they may need some kind of therapy to talk about their feelings not just about mum and dad splitting up but other things too.

I hope he goes to court and they force you to give him the children when it's agreed, not your airy fairy "when they want to".

Sound like you're setting the stage for your parental alienation early.

I am in a somewhat similar position to you OP and I’m very sorry you’re going through this. It’s awful.

However, you are going to damage your children if you carry on like this. You claim you’ve told him ‘to tell the kids the truth’ and ‘you’re not going to lie to them’. You’ve also said your youngest is 2, and it was your daughter’s first day at school, she she’s what…4?

Why do you think telling very young children the truth is the right way to go? He doesn’t owe it to them and neither do you - all it does is introduce confusion and rejection into fragile little minds. The best thing to do is protect them from all of this and continue to emphasise that Daddy loves them very much.

I KNOW this is hard and painful when you want him to suffer (as he should for being such an arse) but you are already using the children as a bargaining chip and it’s not ok.

I’d be very careful what you tell the kids, from their reactions it sounds like they know too much of what is going on. This is clearly having a huge impact on them, and they are too young to understand. I wouldn’t be trying to finalise contact arrangements with the kids right now, your hurt, emotions are running high. Give yourself time to heal. As much as he has hurt you the kids need their dad, they need to know that no matter what happens between the two of you their dad still loves them. Nothing you have said indicates that he is incapable of caring for the kids. He has been selfish, he has hurt you, but you need to put your feelings to one side and work out what is best for the kids. Don’t make them pick a side, it will only hurt them.

When I say they know the truth, I mean that daddy is living somewhere else and isn't coming back. But at first he was telling them he's camping for a bit, which just made them think he ass coming back.
I am not asking the children to choose a side. I am doing alternate weekends, but not sleeping out to start with as he hasn't got a place to stay and they don't want to stay out yet

But you’re being led by the children and they are only 7,4,2 so very young.

plus what are you being accused off is he transferring onto you and blaming you of doing the same and is he demanding to come home to stay in his house as he can as you’ll find 90% of split up couples live together till the house is sold as one or the other can’t afford to move till they have the equity out of the house to either buy or rent. Please be aware of that as you can’t stop him.

I'm not quite sure what you mean. He doesn't want to come home at all. He comes to see the kids at home because they don't want to go out with him just yet.

@Bboo3
Stick to your guns OP. Don't let others doubt your decision not to force your children to see him. He left. That was his choice. He couldn't cope with family life so left so doesn't get to pick and choose the best bits of parenting (the bits with low to no responsibilities) and then leave you to do the hard work.

I also told my eldest a version of the truth of why her dad left. Why should I lie to her. There was no way I was going to say it was a mutual decision (it wasn't) so I said daddy wasn't happy daddy wanted to live somewhere else. No "we" about it. I said me and her siblings were a team and I'd be there no matter what and I wasn't going anywhere.

Thank you.

But he could take her to court and get 50/50 custody, or maybe a couple of over night stays a week. Nothing she has said indicates he wouldn’t get that, courts would have no issue with kids staying over at their grans house in order to have contact with their dad. It’s shit, but that’s the reality. Only OP knows whether he is likely to fight for custody or not, if she thinks he will fight then rather than letting it get to that point it would be better for her if she offered a reasonable level of contact.

They won't stay at his mums house they haven't seen her in almost 2 years. They won't even go to the park with dad! I have said nothing but positive things, which is so hard. But they don't want to go. What can I do? Send them kicking and screaming?

If it goes to court and gets court ordered contact then yes OP, that’s exactly what you will have to do. Be prepared for that, and seek legal advice.